Feel Trapped Into Accepting Job

LOL, I love the story about the leaderless/overleadered groups building towers. And your (non) work-life really does sound like it could be a movie, something with Richard E. Grant.

I sometimes start to wonder if my emails don't go through, given how little response I get sometimes. Am I going straight into the spam filter? Whenever I've asked, it turns out that the person did get my email and it just fell through the cracks... and then I feel like they think I'm weird for asking. But just asking is good. The more invites you issue, the more likely someone will say yes, right?

I am so unsure about the personality/career test stuff. I feel like my personality isn't stable enough or something. When I worked for the company that sold those assessments, my answers were a bit confounding. One of our tools was supposed to measure permanent sorts of personality traits and interests. Most people who did the assessment got the same results in year 1 and year 10. Mine changed drastically within a couple of years.

I also tend to test very high on diametrical opposites i.e. both right brain and left brain, tactical and strategic etc. My Myers Briggs test results tend to be different every time and always right on the line between each of the categories... and I just took a DISC profile and got D, S, C.

Maybe it is in part due to my mood this week, but it just makes me feel like I don't fit into any real category, like I don't have a niche.

I do, at times, have an incredible amount of red energy. I've done and do a lot of stuff. I go to festivals, explore new places, attend lectures, etc. I go through phases where I don't feel like doing things that I feel like I *should* be doing, like working on cleaning my house (really basic stuff!). The 'doing nothing' ranges from fooling around online to puttering in the garden to reading all of Chekov or binge watching some crappy tv series.

It's hard to explain, my driven-ness. I am driven but undirected and unfocused. I am driven to live fully rather than to complete something for a particular outcome, maybe? Like right now I am out of town. I had a pretty full day walking around, went to some lectures and two museums. I went back to the hotel after the last museum because there's nothing interesting to do between now and dinner - but it feels sort of wrong, like I am wasting time, even though I am enjoying the view from my hotel window, and my feet appreciate the rest (it's been rainy! If the weather were better, I'd probably still be out there).

Anyway.

What happened with your convo with your boss this week? Do you have an assignment? Any word from the department full of people about to go out on maternity leave?

I've looked at those Craftsy courses too, but I haven't signed up. I wanted to take a sewing class in person last year, but I never got around to signing up. It takes me so long to thread the machine sometimes that I thought I would just embarrass myself I like in person classes more than online classes, I think. There's more opportunity to meet people, even if I don't always do it.

Wow, this feels like the first morning off that I've had in AGES. I love it. It's sunny, even if it's cold, and I've been working on some of my gardening-related pursuits, both personal and volunteer.

I feel a lot of pressure to increase my hours and my availability for this company. Two weeks ago I was on the verge of offering to work an additional day... but then I had a long week and decided that the last thing I want to do is be trapped in an office 40 hours a week.

So I am not sure what I will do with this. I think that I need to stick with the part time schedule I have with these people and refocus on some of my other projects...

Wow. What a crazy day today. I felt like I didn't have time to get a glass of water. I'm so happy someone flaked on a meeting because I just didn't have any more bandwidth.

Things are getting interesting for me. I found out that one of my classmates for my art/hobby is starting a business that I am VERY much interested in. Like, I know so many people who want and need this business. I need to print up some cards and make myself available for her systems issues.

Today I had a guy I was meeting about some equipment I want to buy for this company I'm working for ask me to speak to his chamber of commerce type group about one of my projects-- we just started off talking about something that was sort of related to my side work, I mentioned it, and we spent a good forty minutes talking about that instead of the thing we were supposed to be talking about.

And then I had a coworker tell me that I should talk to his girlfriend's company up the street about working for them!!!!

Crazy!

Hi Hvert,

Well, I'm officially "moderately depressed." My therapist gave me a test, and that's where I came out. I then announced to my piano teacher that I'm officially depressed, and he said, "yeah, I know." So it goes.

Your trip sounds like it was fun! Museums and walking around sound great. I get why you might feel like you're wasting time in the hotel room... because you're in a new place with a limited amount of time. That's how I've felt in the past anyway... like, why waste the time and money to travel to another state/country, and then do nothing but spend the day napping in the hotel? I can do that much more cheaply at home! It's almost like you need to squish as much as you can into the limited time you have. (Though I still like to go back and rest in the room, I kind of need that down time to function, or I get really grumpy and bratty!)

The personality stuff is really weird, I think. It almost feels like you need to find a system that works for you. I love reading about myers-briggs, but I always test all over the place... particularly on the "thinking-feeling" scale and the "judging-perceiving" (I think that was it?) scale. (Super strong introvert and Intuitive though!). I think for me, maybe I'm just near enough to the middle of those scales that I'm not clearly one or the other... and that's ok. But it makes the whole system less useful for me, personally, I guess.

I wonder if you're like that with some of the tests? With the right-left brain stuff, for example.... isn't it possible to be pretty well-balanced? We had to do a test like that for work awhile ago - the Herman Brain Dominance (I may have the name wrong or mispelled) - hopefully that's not the one you worked for as it was a little annoying (a lot of the questions felt like they were asking, "hey do you do this creative thing?" and if you said yes, they then said, "guess what! You are creative!" )

When we took it, they did say that it was possible for people to be equally balanced between all FOUR quadrants of their brain! There was a special name for those people... which I can't remember. But basically it meant that they were equally comfortable with all types of thinking (maybe holistic thinkers?) It was sold to us as a good thing

Anyway, I do think it's hard for us (any of us) to really know ourselves, though the tests are fun and sometimes interesting. Some people worry about it less, but it's one of those things I just find fascinating and get easily caught up in!

As for work. Well, yup, I have some stuff to do now. I'm not loving it. Our team is becoming much more externally focused (we previously just did work for other groups in our large company, now we're actually selling ourselves to other companies!). It kind of sucks, in a way, because we're becoming like an agency... and my boss loves that, but I don't. I very specifically did not apply to any agencies when I was looking for jobs, because I didn't really want to do that type of work (lots of travel). Now, he's got me more or less on THREE projects - trying to get up to speed on two very different industries, 3 companies, and preparing for us to go meet up with people from these companies to try to understand what kinds of problems their having and how our company can help in a big, huge, holistic way.

I'm sure it's interesting for some people, but not what I signed up for and not what I was hoping to do right now. And the travel will seriously just drive me up the wall, although it sounds like we may not need to do that - he's going to see if we can sell some of us staying local and participating via a teleconferencing room, which would reduce costs (and stress!).

So, we'll see. I think my job in these bigger meetings right now is essentially going to be a glorified secretary, which is not helping my sense of hopelessness about life! He wanted to bring someone else to the meetings to help with the brainstorming aspect, and I suggested we bring someone else to take notes, and let ME help with the brainstorming, and he actually said to me that... "well, I don't know what kind of notes everyone else takes... I want to make sure we have someone who I know can take good notes."

Seriously. I have a master's degree. From a really good school. And had a fellowship to get it. And, this is what my career has been reduced to. Praise for my amazing note-taking skills? Can I just pause and sob for a second here? (Oh I wish I was joking, seriously!!!)

So, that's work. Busy, but not good busy. Yeah, I know... I need to start trying to pull together my old work and make up something that can pass as a portfolio. Oy.

Oh, and nope... I haven't heard anything from the other group. It's kind of silly. I think my friend's friend over there has actually had the baby and is off on maternity leave now, so I'm kind of giving up on that. If, miraculously, somebody over there gets in touch with me, that would be fantastic, but at this point, I can't really afford to hold my breath any longer.

I did sign up for a Craftsy class, right before I got all this new work dumped on me! It was on sale, and it's to sew knits! But I haven't done anything with it yet. I'd like to though... knits... t-shirts... yoga pants... anything stretchy seems so comfortable. I've never sewn anything stretchy and it seems a little intimidating, so hopefully it's good. I'd LOVE to do something in person, but haven't seen anything yet that looks good.

And, wow! Your day sounds amazing... that's *awesome* that you have so many great opportunities suddenly popping up! Amazing! I hope some of these opportunities work out, and help you get a bunch of better contracts!

Oh boy, I am really sorry about the development your job has taken. I am not sure what the positive is - having work or now having something to think back on the next time you run out of work??? This is like telling your parents you're bored on a Saturday and getting sent to clean your room.

The comment about bringing someone else in to do brainstorming is just heartbreaking. I feel like that happens to me all the time, if that makes you feel any better. Is it something about being female? I will be curious to hear who he brings in for the brainstorming.

This is one of those situations where I want to 'think like a man.' When I imagine how the men I know would react to being asked to take notes at a meeting while someone else did brainstorming they were qualified for... well, I don't think that's what either of us are inclined to do.

This brings up a bunch of professional image stuff for me. I still have not figured that one out. I still feel like most people do not take me seriously, even those close to me. My boyfriend and his brother are doing this software startup. They've got this guy giving them business advice. They treat him like a guru, but some of his advice is bad! Meanwhile, when I say something, I get treated like I don't know what I am talking about, despite having some decent credentials.

Is there a secretary you could recommend for the note-taking role? "Hey, boss - I just had a great idea. Admin does a great job taking notes - I can vouch for that. Maybe we can bring him/her along to support us while we dialogue with the client? The trip would be a treat."

But maybe make sure it's someone you wouldn't mind sharing a hotel room with.

I picture your boss using phrases like 'dialogue with.'

Is it that he wants you to be the smart one sitting in the corner who pipes up with the perceptive insight? Are either of you good at whatever he means by 'brainstorming'?

At least this is motivation for the portfolio. It's so hard to pull stuff like that together when you are depressed and dealing with this kind of work situation. I hope you can find some kind of motivator that helps you do it.

Thanks. Yeah, it's crazy. I wonder if my boss secretly hates me. He gives no clue, if that's the case. And, I don't think it's a gender thing, as our team is actually mostly female. It's just... really bad management.

We actually had a team meeting to talk about all the new work, and he mentioned the idea of getting our business analysts involved to take notes. The idea being that they're used to that role, somewhat, since they often capture requirements. I piped up and said it was a fantastic idea, because honestly, note-taking is a waste of skills if we use anyone on our team.

Nobody else agreed though I was told that it's more than just straight dictation, that it's actually listening, and processing, and figuring out what's important to write down, and they were afraid the BAs might miss something important. Ugh. It still feels like taking notes to me.

Our first one is coming in a couple weeks. It sounds like I won't have to travel, I'll be doing a tele-presence thing, which is actually fine with me, since I really don't travel well, and since all I'm doing is taking notes, I'm sure it's not going to matter.

Oh and my boss is going to be out for a bit before the trip, so he wants me to gather info about the company and prepare a "briefing" for him. But we don't seem to have anything internal, it's all just searching on the internet. He wants something that will get him up to speed quickly... and it's just... I don't know. It's a little overwhelming, although, he doesn't seem to have the highest standards, so maybe whatever I can pull together will be fine.

Yeah, my job is pretty demotivating Thanks for understanding!!!

Oh and you are right, I don't know that a man would be OK with this. I don't know that a lot of people would... we've already had a lot of very smart, talented people leave the group. The people who are left aren't... you know, the strongest.

Ha! And you're right about saying stuff like "dialogue with". Though he does love his brainstorming. I'm not sure why, but any excuse to get us all in a room together to brainstorm and whiteboard, he's there. That's a big part of his process. Sometimes we have to gently reign him back in, because not everything requires 10 people brainstorming in front of a whiteboard! He is pretty decent at running a brainstorming/focus group type session. He's sociable and has a good sense of humor, so he's good at running those big conversations and making sure everyone gets to talk and keeping people involved without feeling defensive. I'll give him that, especially with clients.

Wow - that really sucks that your boyfriend isn't take your professional advice seriously, and is putting his business at risk by taking bad advice from someone else. I don't understand why he's not listening to you, that's so bizarre... does he not believe that you know what you're doing? I can see how that would be confusing, but also... frustrating and crazy-making. I'm sorry

Oh and my mom is going to be visiting sometime this summer. With her friend. It's so stressful... I did manage to convince her to stay in a hotel, but I have enough stress trying to find things for the two of us to do, trying to also hang out with someone who is a complete stranger to me, is just making my stress go bonkers. You have no idea how much I want to plan a vacation for that time period, and just not be here when she shows up! Especially since I haven't been able to get a straight answer about dates from her!!!

At least it's almost the weekend!

It's never sounded like your boss hates you - just that he is incredibly incompetent as a manager. I have really negative vibes about him because he sounds so much like the male version of a raging narcissist I worked with - I can't get that idea out of my head.

With this additional description, it's starting to sound like he is just labeling the work you are being asked to do in a really inappropriate and offensive way. I am not sure what you would call this role, but maybe they are looking for a strategic report of the meeting rather than just minutes? If all they wanted was information capture, they could just record the meetings, right?

But if he is asking you to google stuff and take notes... that's treating you like an admin. .. unless he is preparing you to take a more managerial role with the clients and business acquisition? I really don't get it - but this *could* be a really awkward way of giving you a promotion of sorts, although it sounds like it would be one you don't really want.

Yeah, I don't like that. Maybe Option B wasn't that great when the problem was not having enough work, but being assigned secretarial duties... that makes Option B look a bit better.

If your mother has a friend, it's tempting to just give those two some suggestions about things old ladies might like to do in your town and let them amuse each other. Let her friend take some of the pressure off you-- your mother won't be bored and alone if she has Mary to keep her company.

The less notice she gives you about dates, the easier it is to claim that you aren't available

I went on a road trip to some of our outer branches and learned *so much* about this company. The more I dig in, the more levels of dysfunction I find. So many of my original assumptions were right. The organization openly proclaims that anyone who does not generate billable hours is of no value. It's not just IT. They have doubled the # of employees in a year or two and people are starting to have mental breakdowns.

I think the person I am working for is someone who actually suffered due to this, not someone who believes in this policy (although he might be slightly indoctrinated).

So the further involved I get, the happier I am that I am not a full-time employee with an impossible job. And thank god I am not salaried!

I just spent nearly two hours this morning trying to sort stuff out. OMG. It's not really worth the money to work on this stuff from home. I need to do a better job disengaging.

Yes... you're absolutely right about him being completely incompetent as a manager. He's actually not a horrible person, but is really terrible as a boss. It could be worse, I guess, since he's the opposite of micro-managing (the "non-managing manager"?), but it really isn't working for me.

He actually labeled it as the "scribe". It's still taking notes though. I think he has the expectation that I'll occasionally pop up to clarify points in the notes, but ugh! That's not really the same, especially if he's planning specifically to bring someone else along from our team to help generate ideas.

I actually did suggest we record the sessions as a backup, and as a way to let me participate more, but he was afraid it would make people less talkative and more self-conscious. And, he doesn't want us to have to listen to it all a second time to roll up the data.

I'm feeling so not excited about any of this. And, I got almost nothing done on Friday... it's hard, because I feel like my boss doesn't really have high expectations, and I'm miserable and depressed, and I know I'm not really feeling a burning desire to put in 110% to get everything perfect. It reminds me of something I read about a famous actor (can't remember which one) who talked about how exhausting and hard it is to really put 100% of yourself out there for a director. So, he'd basically do a take where he didn't give it all, kind of phone it in. If the director didn't call him on it, he assumed the director wasn't good enough to tell the difference, and just did that for the whole film! (Yeah, I know, you'd think it would hurt his career... but apparently he was good enough that it didn't!)

Sigh!

I have no idea what my mother is going to want to do. I misunderstood originally, and thought she'd be here for the weekend... but I'm now realizing (despite her awful ability to provide concrete details!) that the reunion is over the weekend, so she'll either be here before or after (this is still unclear to me!!!!!!). She's already asking about a certain playhouse that I've taken her to in the past...

But yeah, that sounds like a really great idea. Maybe I can tell her that I just got swamped with all these projects, and won't be able to get any time off... but here are some things they can do that will be fun, and hey, why don't we just meet up for dinner one night.

That could work.

And, wow. That's just nuts that the company thinks that if you don't generate billable hours, you're basically useless! Wow! I remember you mentioning it earlier... it's just, yikes. That's crazy... and sad!

Why are people having mental breakdowns? I didn't quite catch that... what that has to do with doubling the number of employees? It sounds like an awful situation, anyway... it's really good that you didn't end up as an employee too!

That's the type of stuff that makes me nervous about looking for a different job, by the way. It just seems that nearly *every place* is dysfunctional! I don't know how corporate America manages, as a whole... it just seems there's so much more dysfunction than actual good, healthy, productive work places! How is that possible?

So... what ever happened with the volunteer work where half the people quit while trying to arrange a meeting? I'm going to go see if you updated the post, so forgive me asking here... but yikes! That's really something!

I can't believe that you 'get' to be the scribe instead of an admin while he brings someone else in for idea generation. And you *can't* record the meetings? Seriously??

What is with these people? I learned from the HR director I rode with the other day that my company also frowns on hiring admin types. They want to hire professionals and have them do admin work. It makes no sense to me. Maybe you don't need a college degree to ship packaged to Fedex, but it's still a skill. Someone who does it a lot is going to be better at it than someone who does it once every three months. My company would rather spend 2x as much money in wasted time and postage having 'professionals' ship packages rather than focus on their core duties. (For "shipping packages" read "a task usually done by an entry level employee.") I guess your company subscribes to the same philosophy.

I think the mental breakdown thing came in because the company has no structure and no admin. You can kind of get by for a while working in a chaotic environment... but then you grow to a certain point where that just doesn't make sense. If you have some crazy, convoluted non-process for payroll with 10 employees, fine. If it's 100, you start to head into nervous breakdown territory.

I think this company got by for a long time with employees taking on operational and administrative tasks that were really outside of their realm of expertise. Big stuff, like Finance, IT, Ops.

And, yeah, every place is dysfunctional - but some types are better than others. If you can get yourself to appreciate the good aspects of your job vs. the crappy ones, maybe it's better to stay... but based on your description, I think you can do better. There's a tipping point.

I really like working for myself. I am really surprised at *how* much I like it, despite knowing I would like it. It's totally worth the time I spent this weekend trying to sort out my payroll tax

You have a great excuse to avoid your mother. Work beckons! And if she is bringing a friend, isn't it reasonable to assume she wants to see your city with her friend rather than visit you specifically?

I am so tired of some of my volunteer engagements. I just feel really stressed and pressed for time lately. I spent this evening disengaged, reading old comic books. I should probably actually do some work for that committee that didn't meet last week!

They have regular employees doing things like Finance? They don't have a process for payroll? Oh geez... I'm a bit speechless. I can't even begin to imagine... wow. I'd be watching my paychecks like a hawk, double checking them, to make sure there were no screw-ups!!! That's... so incredibly scary. OK, I understand now why everyone is on the verge of having a breakdown.

I assume it's a private company? So, the person who started it doesn't really have any accountability? So scary. It's really, really good that you fought to be a contractor!

And yeah, that's ridiculous that they want professionals wasting time on admin stuff. That's like hiring an admin for $100k . So not smart.

We *do* actually have an admin, though there's a lot of crap we still are expected to do ourselves. Our admin is a really good point of contact for information though, especially since my manager doesn't tend to know much about what's going on.

We also have to do a weekly timesheet, despite being salaried employees. I understand why (I'm under IT, and when we work on projects for other departments, we bill them for our hours - that's part of how we get funding, apparently). But it feels crazy. Then, when my boss doesn't give me any work, all my hours go to "Admin/General" and that generates warning notices to my boss and his boss that I'm not charging enough hours I keep telling them, if they want me to charge hours, they need to put me on a project where I can... charge hours! (Even this stuff I'm doing now, as far as I know, there's no code to charge it yet, so it's not being charged to anything.)

I'm still not getting anything done. I worked for an hour or two yesterday, and then a few more hours late at night trying to catch up. I haven't gotten anything done yet today, and it's 1pm. I feel awful, and I keep trying, but I'm so... blah feeling... I'm really just struggling. I'll have something for my boss when he comes back, but it really feels like I have no way to know if it's what he had in mind, and part of me thinks - why bother killing myself trying to put together something awesome. It doesn't seem to matter.

I really do need a nice long break. I was on track for saving enough money to do that, but now therapy is eating up most of my disposable income, so I'm not putting much/anything in savings (I'm putting money in an HSA instead, and leaving it there to grow for now, hopefully that works out better.... my therapy bills are more than enough that I can cash it out if/when I need it).

Sorry, I've got a headache and am a bit dizzy/tired today, I'm probably talking in circles.

Any more leads for your company? Working for yourself sounds really awesome... Did you have to shop your own health insurance? Was it hard? I have to admit, I kind of love the idea... although trying to find clients (and get them to pay) seems really intimidating. I'd love to have the freedom to plan out my day a bit better, to work really hard for a client that I like, then take time off to do something nice for myself in the middle of the day, and to say NO to things like taking notes for people

re: my mom. I'm completely with you, it does seem reasonable to assume she wants to go sightsee with her friend. But, that's not how my mom works. I'm not sure what's wrong with her, exactly, but I have this weird feeling that she either wants me to be friends with her friends (???) or wants to show me off to her friends (???). Maybe I'm wrong, it's just so weird, considering she's incapable of actually saying anything nice about me directly to me.

OK, I'm going to run and see if I can put a few more pages of pre-brainstorming notes together for the boss. Sigh. I need to plan a nice vacation to escape from all this, soon!!!

Take care, hope you're enjoying the day!

I hope you were able to put something together and be done with it. Your boss probably doesn't care what it is as long as it's short and helps him look good You know him and his weaknesses, so anything you give him to compensate for them will be perfect, right? I'm in favor of not killing yourself over it... although if you don't have anything better to do, it's not a bad thing to learn as much as you can about this client.

This company is actually plagued with payroll issues, none of which affect me since I invoice them, thankfully! And, yeah - my friend was the first 'real' professional they hired. The things she has had to clean up are unbelievable... and it makes you wonder what else you will find.

And just ... the sheer madness to the way they do things. I had lunch with my friend the other day and we compared notes. Honestly, the deeper I get into this, the more shocked I am that this place is as successful as they are. I am SO GLAD I am a contractor and not a full time employee. I flat out told my boss the other day that I was not looking for more hours and that I would never work a salaried position there. I didn't say it like *that*, it was sort of in passing/conversation - but after I said it, I thought, whoops, I am supposed to be pretending that I want to try on a full time job... but I would refuse a full time job if they offered it today, so what does it matter?

And I had a meeting to get budget approval for some desperately needed repair work. I almost got turned down because one manager doesn't like another manager! Employees are unable to do their job and you want to let them suffer because their boss is a jerk???? Really??

Yes, so glad I am not full time.

I have been so ... stressed? or something that I have not worked on any more job opportunities. I don't have enough time or mental space in the day. Nominally I am working three days a week, but the days are usually nine hours, plus I am putting in time here and there. I'm going to have to take 8 hours this weekend to come up with a report.

That time, plus insomnia, plus social stuff, etc etc. It's all starting to get to be a bit much. I need to cut back and am just starting to finally realize that I need to put some stuff on the chopping block.

Shopping for health insurance turned out to be easy - a Facebook friend posted a recommendation for a plan. We have to use the federal health insurance marketplace in my state. The biggest hassle is working with the incredibly broken website. Comparing plans was simple enough.

WRT to getting people to pay: a friend who hates asking people to pay said that he came up with the idea of asking for a retainer. I really liked that.

Even if your mother expects something different, I don't see why you can't treat her based on normal assumptions. I am not sure how to word that. I do this sometimes and it seems like the least bad alternative. Like you can just pretend that the person doesn't have insane expectations and treat them the way you would treat a normal person. If she has a friend with her, it kind of locks her into making more of an effort to be normal (well, for some people it works that way), so maybe she will just go along with it.

Wow.... you really lucked out by refusing to take their offer to be an employee. That all sounds really awful. And, that's crazy (but I totally believe it!) that you almost didn't get your budget approved because one manager didn't like another one! Office stupidity at its best. Seriously, it sounds insane over there! And once again, I don't understand how the real world ever actually works... it seems amazing that anything ever gets done.

I'm sorry the job is causing you that much stress, and taking up that much mental space. That sounds really frustrating . It seems like that's how it always goes - you're in a stressful job/situation, you want to find something better, but the stress itself makes it ten times as hard! It's so unfair!

Does the report have to get done this weekend? Is there any way to realistically limit your hours? Would that even help, or would it still be stressful enough to not make it worth it?

Hmmm it sounds like you've got a lot of other things on your plate, besides the job?

I'm trying with the info my boss wants. But, I'm really feeling pretty crappy these days, and am really... I don't know? Unmotivated? Distracted? Depressed? I'm finding that the hours slip by, and I don't get much done. So, I'm trying to do more late at night (just finished a little bit now, at 11:30) - but it's really slow going. I'm slogging through it. And, I don't think I've even started the important section yet.

He really shouldn't have me doing this. I'm not sure if this is what he had in mind, but I'm trying to include things about the business itself (size, branding, revenues, competition) - and it's just drudgery and stuff I'm not good at (I'm not business-oriented). I get lost trying to keep it all straight, fact check, figure out what articles are referring to the parent company versus the company we're working with (with the same name, of course!). Ugh... I really hate it.

I guess it's a consolation that whatever happens, I'm sure my boss will be OK with it. I just need to get it wrapped up. I don't want to spend time over the weekend doing it, and I have to go in to the office tomorrow for a demo of some technology related to this project.

Lots of ice cream and chocolate and cheesecake to get through this and none of my clothes are fitting now. Argh!

Aha! Thanks for the tip with dealing with my mom, that makes so much sense! I'm not going to let it worry me for now, I think, since she clearly doesn't want to plan (as evidenced by her inability to tell me what actual days she'll be here!).

It was interesting, I mentioned it to my therapist this week, and was trying to explain to him that I just can't wrap my head around the way she communicates - the fact that not only can she not give me the dates, but she didn't even mention the month ("oh, the reunion is the weekend of the 17th"). Who does that? Even if we talked about it before, how hard is it to write the name of the month, to make sure it's clear?

His response was that with her, it's all about "me me me me me" - and she's selfish!

It sounds so silly, but honestly, I hadn't put that together before. It was a little "Aha!" for me, and helps me make more sense of her actions.

The retainer idea is interesting... I'll have to think some more about that. I guess if I had more energy right now, it would be really good to try to find some freelance or volunteer work, to see how that would play out for me. But, like I said, my brain feels like mush right now - this project I'm doing should not be taking this much effort, energy, or time... I'm just so blah feeling, it's hard to get through. Not sure I'd be able to handle adding something else important on top of it!

I'm delivering the report on Monday, so I do need to do it this weekend. I would have loved to have done it sooner, but I'm trying to get people to give me quotes and it's been much more difficult to find people willing to make a sale than one would expect.

It really is pretty insane, the way they work. I am glad that I said yes to this arrangement because it has reminded me that I am good at what I do and gotten me back into the working sort of mindset - although I am still taking longer to structure information both for myself and others. It's weird how you forget to do stuff. It sounds like that may be happening to you a bit also, getting back into the swing of things after a long hiatus?

I do need to limit my hours, though. I don't want to add more hours. They are not paying me enough. I do not want a full time job there. I don't care if they want to terminate the contract because I set limits. I want to find clients who pay more. This is okay for now, but if it ends tomorrow, I will find something else. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

And, yeah, I am feeling just kind of stressed about other stuff I'm involved in. I have like a dozen charities/groups/community projects I do stuff for, it's crazy. On top of that, I have some really time consuming hobbies and activities I participate in. I am not sure how I find four hours to blow online most nights.

I'm also wondering if there is any such thing as mild bipolar, where you are functional enough during highs and lows but there's something that's not quite normal. I am not sleeping anymore. I guess it is good I have a doctor's appointment next month.

I really don't know what your boss wants, but 95% of the time, you can't go wrong with brief. Stuff like knowing that Joe Schmoe and I share an interest in paddle sports or that a VP from GE just replaced their CEO who came from Google.

For the meeting I had yesterday, I had three sheets of paper, not even full. It was still too many words for the CEO! And then I have my friend, who wants to know every single detail... That's why it's going to take me so long to do this report this weekend...

You may wind up playing a much larger role in this meeting than anyone realizes. You have all this backstory in your head.

You sound so on the right track about just not letting your mother's inability to communicate and plan bother you. That's *her* problem. If she wanted to see you, she could suggest a specific time and place, not just randomly babble at you.

My boyfriend's mother is similarly vague, btw. My tendency with stuff like that is to fill in the gap and say 'Okay, here is what we are doing.' My boyfriend has been kind of reluctant with that approach, but I think he is seeing the benefits. It's SO MUCH less annoying to deal with her if I've set it up so that we are doing something I kind of want to do AND I've there are boundaries already in place ahead of time. I know that if I have to spend four hours straight in the same room with her, I am going to be upset. I plan activities that allow me breathing room. I have a hard time with boundaries in the moment, so maybe this is my boundary retainer.

And I get really annoyed with vague plans, so it takes away some of the annoyance. I do this with my mother too, only I can't take more than two consecutive hours with her.

There can sometimes be some resistance. I find that if I ignore it and make it clear that the plan is X, she often just complies because she really does want to see her son. And X is something that I think *she* will enjoy, also. I am not just deciding that I want to go to the mall at 6:00 AM or something. I think this sounds sort of mean the way I am describing it, but it isn't. It's just a coping mechanism for someone I have trouble dealing with.

I am not sure if your mother is like mine, but I found it was kind of an a-ha moment when I realized that martyrdom is another form of narcissism. It really is weird how you live with something for so long that you just get kind of used to it- and then you find out it has a name!

It does sound like you don't have a lot of bandwidth to find an alternative at the moment either. I hope you can carve out some time for doing something that energizes you.

Sorry that you're going to be stuck working over the weekend too then. That sucks that people weren't able to get you quotes faster, I would have expected that they'd do it quicker (to make the sale). Maybe everybody is just hating work and life these days

I don't think my issue is getting back in the swing of things. I'm thinking it really is genuine depression. Like, "OH! So THAT'S what THIS is!". It's just so... demotivating. I got pretty much nothing done on my project today . I had a lunchtime meeting in the office, so most of the morning I was getting motivated to get up (!), getting dressed, getting breakfast, just not doing much of anything. I went in, the tech stuff we saw was actually really cool and exciting - I may have to send you a PM to share! - and it lasted longer than we expected. Stopped at the store afterwards to get lunch, came home, ate, and just... sort of lost track of time. Oh, and gave up at 4pm to lie in bed and watch several DVR'ed episodes of "Married at First Sight". Not my best choice of the day

Then I walked, cooked, watched more TV... sat down at 11:30 and thought about working on it, but it's almost midnight. I may be able to get it together tomorrow, but if not, it's the weekend for me too. And really, I'm just having such a hard time caring. This has to be the least motivating job in the world. This is so not how I used to be!!!

Anyway, I feel especially lazy after hearing that you're involved in 12 different volunteer organizations, plus your job, plus your hobbies. Holy cow! How on earth do you manage to do all that!

I really miss feeling smart! Maybe you're right that I'll get to play a bigger role in this, I was already giving people random bits of background info on the company today when we met. We'll see.

What's going on with you not sleeping? That sounds... bad. You mentioned mild bipolar...do you think you might be in some sort of manic phase? (You don't sound manic here, but it's probably hard to tell in text, and you are doing a huge amount of work/projects/hobbies.) Are you tired during the day, when you don't sleep at night?

Hope you're OK, and you get it figured out...

Thanks for the tips on being brief, you're right - my boss doesn't want pages of details, he never does. But, it's so so hard, because I can't not put them in! I'm like, "OMG! You need to know this... all this stuff that happened a couple years ago was huge and covered in the media and resulted in all this new stuff they've done since to get customers back and and and...." I like details! (I'm sure I'd get along great with your friend!)

But, I may be able to skimp on some of the less important stuff. I may take out my section about competitors completely, because I don't know that it's going to be useful at all (and I haven't written anything yet ).

That's a great idea about dealing with mom's and their vagueness, very take charge, but also sets everything up so that there's no need for any negotiating. Though in all fairness, the one good thing about my mom is that she tends to be up for anything. Any place I want to take her, she's happy to go. She loves getting out, seeing things, and meeting people. I just wish she didn't drive me nuts.

That's a really interesting observation about martyrdom and narcissism. I'm still confused and on the fence with that... there are things that make me think she could be a narcissist, but I'm just not sure. Maybe... I'll have to watch for the martyrdom angle and see if that comes up. Hard to tell, since I really do not spend a lot of time with her. It's so weird, she gets along with people so well, she's sociable and has a ton of friends. But, she was such a terrible mother and it's still painful for me to deal with her, and she just does not get it. It feels like there's just nothing real there to even try to connect to . It's truly bizarre. But people like her anyway!

Thanks... I'm not sure what I need to do to re-energize. It's frustrating, because I feel like I need to take a vacation/break from work... but then I realize that even if I took a couple weeks off, any gains in my mood/mental health would be obliterated as soon as I started back up. That's depressing in itself, and I can feel how true it is! But it feels like the job is a big factor sucking the life out of me!

Hmm. I don't know. They were actually encouraging us to take leaves of absences last year (ha! To try to help the budget!) People tend to take off for a year when they have babies... I'm not having any babies, but it would be so so so nice to take off for like, 3 months. But, you obviously don't get paid during that time... plus you have to pay COBRA for your insurance, plus they actually adjust your effective start date, so you don't even get credit as an employee (which would screw up my vacation for next year, since it would push out my Dec. start date into the following year).

But you're right, I need to find something to get excited about. I really hate this feeling of just *dragging*, and the fact that the *years* just seem to be slipping out from under me, with nothing to show for it !

I had a really long rant about how frustrating it is to work with vendors, but I snipped it Really, though - dealing with these sales people is seriously annoying. I spend time being bored to death (even when I try to cut them off), I give them very specific (but succinct!) information about what I need quoted... and they give me quotes that are seriously incomprehensible and not at all what I asked for. Like, we have a building that has X employees. They are quoting me a system that has x*3 capacity, even though there are products that are x+10 or x*2. Why are they doing this? I did not mention any planned expansion and they did not ask.

And now that I am starting to pull together this report, I am really struggling to figure out how I will do it and feeling like I totally screwed up with the path I went down. I just have more questions than answers and I am supposed to be providing the answers. I should have started with a structured requirements discovery process. I thought I would be able to quickly get some numbers on various options so we could get a rough idea of budget, pick out one or two possible solutions, and then start to drill down.

It's like I've forgotten how to do stuff.

I'm struggling to take out detail, too. This project is huge and multi-faceted. I want to have a summary page and print out all the detail for my people. That way the CEO can have what he wants and my friend can have what she wants and if anyone wants both, good for them. The CEO did look at the detail I brought in for my last meeting very closely and found a typo!!!

PLUS it is going to be 60 degrees this weekend, for the first time in six months. Not what I want to do!

I think we both need to just be more confident about what we are doing. Whatever we do will be good enough. Nothing has to be perfect - we are working with extremely imperfect people/organizations! It's okay if we don't get it right on the first try, either.

My father, who I really think is a narcissist, was also very social and had a lot of friends. He is just a very selfish person (and a liar). If you only see him at the bar for 30 minutes a week, you might not notice. If you live with him... it starts to affect your life in a very bad way.

My mother is also always up for everything, but I just can't be around her. Maybe someday I will get over it, but she is very annoying to me and it just makes me angry. She was very clingy when I was in my teens/20s, and once I saw how horrible it was that I spent most of my time doing stuff with my mother instead of having friends like other people my age, I really started to resent her. She also has a very annoying way of communicating. She's extremely passive aggressive. She will ask for an opinion and no matter which way you answer, she will argue. It just gets old.

So, yeah, difficult parents are stressful!

I don't think I am bipolar either, but I wonder sometimes if there is a sort of mild version. Throughout my life I go through hyperactive phases and more fallow phases. About 7-10 years ago, I was extremely social, working 60-80 hours a week, going to grad school full time, involved in the local art scene, engaged in many bad dating situations, etc. I was always on and lived a 'sleep when you're dead' life. Some of the stuff I did then was pretty crazy, really...but still functional crazy? Except for the dating? I wasn't running up my bills... but I *was* putting every available cent into gambling in the stock market, and I did take out student loans to have more money to gamble with. A lot of my classmates were doing stuff like that, so I am not sure what that means.

I have bipolar friend and family and what happens to them is not what happens to me. I just wonder - where is the line? If my crazy choice works out, does that mean I'm not crazy?

I was describing an art project I'm working on to my art teacher and she was kind of looking at me like I was crazy. I asked my BF about it and he said that if someone who didn't really know me heard me talking about it, they would think I was crazy too. My mother and brother got it immediately, actually - I didn't even have to finish my sentence. Does that mean something? I don't know.

I am hugely in favor of sabbaticals. An adjusted start date messing with your vacation, sure, that sucks, but being able to take three months off and go back to a job is huge. It's safer than quitting to take three months off. Is the COBRA a must?

Did the people who took leaves come back? Were their jobs eliminated later on?

I think I have my report more-or-less "done enough". I had to take out a couple sections (rather than try to power through them), but the rest of the info is pretty good.

I feel better knowing that the meeting got pushed out another week or so, so my boss will have plenty of time to get up-to-speed, even if my report doesn't give him anything, but omg, I am soooo exhausted. Really, it just felt like *slogging* through the day. Not good.

So, I'll write more tomorrow - don't mean to ignore everything you wrote! Just need to go curl up and sleep for like 20 hours.

Did you manage to get outside for some sunshine at all today? I forced myself to go ahead and walk for a good hour... that helped some. It was nice here too, but we're already in "pollen season". So much green haze floating through the air - crazy!

Congrats on done enough! I still haven't started and have just let myself get kind of worked up about how badly I am blowing this project. I just feel so ... unstructured about this. Like, in hindsight, I totally did this in a random way... and felt a lot of pressure to do that because I let myself worry about how they would feel about the amount of time it took.

I think whatever weather report is showing on my phone must be for a different place. It was not that nice out yesterday. It looks nicer today, but I have so much indoor stuff to get done that I am not sure if I will make any use of it - and it's still cold anyway. Your walk sounds really nice! Did your foot wind up healing?

Thanks, and good luck getting your report pulled together today. These things sure do suck, don't they? I tend to procrastinate too, because it's stressful, but then I create more stress for myself... ugh. It's an endless loop sometimes. I hope you can find a way to power through it today and get it to "done enough" also, so you won't have to worry much more over it

My ankle is doing OK. It's a lot better, but it still is not 100% . It will feel fine for awhile, then I'll do something, like accidentally sit on it (tried sitting with crossed legs, like I used to do all the time before the fall... not good) or just bump it wrong and it hurts again. It's so frustrating. But, walking doesn't seem to bother it, and it's a huge help with the depression, I think. So, I'm trying to stick with it.

Your vendors sound like they're quoting you bigger systems than you need just so they can make more money! That, or they're just complete idiots that are incapable of listening to your request . What a pain though. Getting quotes should be the easy part, they should be bending over backwards to get you what you need, so they can make the sale!

That's a great point that we're working with extremely imperfect people and organizations, so we shouldn't get too caught up in worrying about making our parts perfect.

Ugh, yeah, your parents sound about as much fun as mine. My mom might be a narcissist, but honestly, I'm not sure. I think it doesn't matter, because it's usually painful to be around her. She won't give compliments, redirects attention on to herself, and has no ability to deal with negatives either. It feels like I don't exist around her, things are unreal, and on top of all that, there's nothing *there* to actually connect *to*. It's all very... weird though. It's taken me (and my sister) a long time to figure this out, and I'm not sure that we truly get it all yet.

Interesting that your mom was too involved when you were younger. My mom was more the "totally ignore your kids" type. She really did NO parenting at all. When I think back now, it's pretty ridiculous. For example, I pretty sure I learned to drive through trial and error. I didn't take any classes, and my mom took me to a *parking lot* one time. One time, and she yelled at me the whole time ("negotiate your turns!") while looking terrified. There was no instruction. I failed the driving test 2-3 times and thought I was an idiot whereas, really, nobody had bothered to actually teach me what I needed to know. It's really, really ridiculous.

Hmmm... yeah, what you're describing sounds like a low level of mania to me too. Though.... I don't know... maybe it could have just been the age you were? I didn't sleep much in college either, though I don't think I was nearly as active as you're describing. It's hard to tell... do you feel like you're swinging more into the hyper-energized type of place now (with the not sleeping)?

I don't think that "if your crazy choice works out, that means you're not crazy" If only. When my sister was supposedly manic-depressive, she was living downtown in a huge city, and would cross the street without looking! She said that she thought checking for traffic was bad luck, so she'd just walk out into the street! (*heart attack here*). She didn't get hit, thankfully, but that doesn't mean that that was a good, sane thing for her to do .

But, I do think it might be a question of degree. It does sound like that time in your life was a little crazy, I'm not sure how you managed to keep on top of so many things, work so many hours, and do as much as you did... but I'm not exactly a high-energy person these days.

Maybe the fact that your art teacher didn't understand your project means you're a creative genius clearly meant for bigger and better things than having to fight with vendors to get clear quotes and put together silly reports for dysfunctional companies!

re: The people who took leave. I assume they came back, but nobody in our group that I know of did. Well, one person might have... she was gone an awful lot and I heart that she had some personal problems, and she is back now. I don't really work much with her though, and she's got a bit of a bad reputation...

I don't know. I think my new tentative plan is to quit therapy. Therapy really seems to be making things worse, and I can't see a clear (or even murky!) path on how it's going to make things better. I think quitting therapy is going to get me back on my aggressive savings plan, let me refocus on diet/health again (I've gained back almost all the weight that I lost before starting therapy, it's awful), and just be a bit more stable. I'm not 100% sure yet... it might take me a bit to extricate myself. I just hate spending so much money, and feeling like it's actually making me worse than I was before!

I hope you got everything that you needed pulled together for today, without too much additional stress!

I just presented to my boss, and he loved it, of course. He said he was happy to be working with me again, since I'm so thorough and detail-oriented, and that it was great work.

Phew... so much relief, I feel like I can breathe a little now... actually have a little bit of a headache, but glad that part is over!

*good luck with your report (and presentation, I assume)* !

Yay! I am glad your report went well! That's awesome!

I still feel kind of shell shocked by the way mine went. I wound up not getting it as put together as I wanted to, but it was good enough, I guess. I also feel like it took me a lot longer to get to where I wound up than it should have - maybe I spent 8 hours on a three page document with some tables? How do you quantify how long something should take?

And the end result was that they 'had no idea how expensive it would be.' And I'm fine with that - it's pretty expensive for what we would get - but I wish they had given me a ball park idea of how much they wanted to spend!

I want to find out if the CEO acts the same way with everyone in meetings or if it's just me. I think I put him off.

Ugh, I really need to stop putting in so many hours at this place. I feel like exactly what I did not want to happen has happened. I'm taking support requests from home at night. Time to stop checking emails when I am not working.

The vendors have been so incredibly incompetent. Last week one of them wanted to drop off a quote. I was in meetings all day, so I asked her to email it. She refused and dropped it off anyway, after I told her I was unavailable. The hard copy she left should have been printed on 11x17 paper but instead was printed on 8x11, so it was pretty unreadable. I asked, again, for an email copy because I could not read the material.

She never did send me the email like I'd asked. Today I left the stupid folder she'd given me at home. I dropped her a line as soon as I realized, but she didn't get back to me in time. Why couldn't she just have emailed it to me in the first place?

Yeah, your mother doesn't sound like any picnic to be around. Too bad neither of our mothers could have found that happy ground between 'overprotective crazy person' and 'totally ignore your kids.' I didn't take driving classes either and had my mother screaming at me so horribly the one time she did take me driving as a teenager that I refused to get back in the car. I didn't get my license until I was in my 20s. Mine was also pretty scared of my driving

There's something really poetic about the way your sister crossed the street. I mean, that's a bad choice, but I can kind of see how someone could get that idea. My guess is that kind of logic is more common than we realize...

That's really lousy that therapy is making you *worse* off on so many levels! I would be so annoyed if I was spending money to gain weight and be miserable!

Thanks! And, sorry that your report has been such a nightmare to get together. It doesn't sound like it's your fault... that vendor that you described sounds seriously incompetent... like almost worth complaining to her boss about, if that's possible. Though, if the company has decided to not pursue this system anymore, it's probably not worth it, since you're not buying anything anyway. But seriously, geez! Could she have made your job any harder?!?!

It sucks that it took so long to put together, but sometimes it takes longer when you have to really tighten it up and get it down to just a few pages... all the editing and work spent summarizing is a pain. Easier to just dump everything in as many pages as it takes (like I did!) - but obviously that doesn't work for CEOs that are super busy and have short attention spans!

Would it help next time to ask them upfront what they're looking to spend? Would they even be able to answer, or do you think they really have no clue, and that this was just expensive enough that it was clearly out of their range?

I'm so sorry that you didn't get driving licenses either, and got yelled at! Isn't that just *insane*. Cars are huge, heavy, and dangerous - I can't wrap my head around the amount of pure idiocy it takes to put a teen/young adult in one, and basically say, "Good luck!" Ha - and then to complain that they can't drive, well... yeah, duh. I wonder why that is?!

That's a nice thought that there was something poetic about my sister crossing the street without checking for traffic, but seriously, this was a HUGE busy downtown area, and I nearly had a heart attack when she told me. Thankfully, when she told me, she had already moved away and gotten considerably better. But gosh... it sends shivers down my back!

Thanks for the support around therapy! Yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm actually doing a little better tonight... I picked up some random multivitamins, and crazy as it sounds, they're helping! It's so subtle, but I feel like they're making it a bit easier to avoid spending the whole day in bed. I'm still getting my walking routine back in order, got to talk to my friend who moved (who is such a sweetie, she wanted to call after I wrote and told her how depressed and miserable I was!), and even managed to make it out to a meetup for boardgames tonight (fun, but a little exhausting).

All good stuff, but gosh, the therapy stuff... I just don't know. I so much want to work through all my crap, but I'm starting to wonder if that's even possible. I'm *really far* from addressing any of it, I struggle with just being there.

Oh well, so it goes. Are you going to get to do anything fun tomorrow/Tuesday? Definitely do NOT check your work email tomorrow! They know that you're a contractor working part-time, don't let them get used to having 24x7 access to you, or it will never get better! Hopefully you get some (more?) nice weather, and can get out and enjoy it!

I think what was really disappointing about yesterday for me was that I had discovered that we were paying 3x as much for something as we should be. I found two other companies willing to provide significantly BETTER service for 1/3 the price... and the response wasn't 'wow, that's awesome,' but 'well, there must be something wrong with these other ones.'

Re: their range: I did ask them and they didn't have one. They did utter some numbers and what I had was well below the highest. I almost think that the CEO makes decisions based on his mood or something. The last time I had a set of numbers, he wanted us to spend *more* - and that was a bigger $$ than what we were talking about yesterday.

And when they choose not to act, the reasoning is that 'well, we are waiting for X.' Dude! You've been waiting for X for six years now!

I *really* need to learn how to disengage more. Not just from this, but from everything. I just get so... worked up. I was in a bad mood for a few hours when I got home last night because of this crap. Not good! And it's kind of bothering me that I thought being a consultant would solve these problems, but I am still getting too emotionally invested.

I think maybe most mothers may just be bad at teaching their kids how to drive. Mine thought I was going to hit something, so she yelled at me and I got confused about which was the brake and the gas pedal, so I *did* hit something (very lightly, no damage). All I remember in terms of instruction was 'I need this car for work, you can't wreck this car.' It wasn't meant in a mean way, but I don't think she could get over it. It would have been nicer for all involved if she had found some money for driver's ed for all of us (which she really probably couldn't). We all were late to get our licenses.

I believe you on the multivitamins! I keep forgetting to take them, but I've noticed the same thing. The therapy stuff sounds like a tough call. I mean, who wouldn't want to avoid working through all their crap? It just sounds overwhelming and horrible. There are so many more fun things to do with life than work through all our crap. How much does the frame contribute to the problem?

And this is one of those situations where it's just impossible to tell if it's some kind of internal resistance or a logical conclusion. I hate stuff like that! I wonder if it would be less annoying if you found a cheaper option? Do you *have* to address it?

The other changes going on in your life sound great - working, walking, getting out there. Spring has sprung! Today is probably going to be too busy for me to have much fun, mostly because something unexpected happened. It's one of those days where everything overlaps i.e. I have to be here from 9-11 and there from 10:30 to 12:30.

((((((hvert))))) (((((guilloche)))))

(((AnnaFlower))) - thanks!

Hvert... wow! That is crazy that you could get them better service for 1/3 the cost, and they are turning that down! Do you think that they *really* believe there's something wrong with the companies that you found? Or do you think somebody maybe has a deal/relationship with the vendor in place? Ugh, what a pain, and how crazy... I bet your head was just spinning at all of it, they don't want to pay to have proper admin staff, but you offer to save them a significant amount of money, and they pass! Ha! Maybe all you can do is sit back, shake your head at the craziness, and keep looking for your next job?!

And, omg - that CEO sounds nuts. Once again, I'm wondering how places like this manage to stay in business. It makes me wonder exactly how high the bar is to keep a business running? I always *assumed* it was difficult, but.. *ahem*.

Hey, maybe the CEO has manic-depression. When's he's manic, he starts to think the sky's the limit for spending, and then reality hits when he's depressed and he doesn't want to change anything! I have trouble thinking of any other way to understand the type of behavior you're describing!

And... ugh! I'm sorry you're still having to deal with stupidity like this, even as a consultant. Learning to disengage sounds like a good plan! Do you think you can find a way to just step away from it and say, "nope, I'm done for today, not going to let myself think or worry about it!"? (It probably works best if you have other things to think about instead... you know, the "don't think about a pink elephant" thing!)

re: Moms... oh gosh, I don't know. Maybe they're just generally bad at teaching driving, but really, seriously, if you knew how hands-off my mom was, it's kind of appalling. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, but the little things I remember.... aye.

I wish you had had a better experience with learning to drive too! They actually offered driver's ed at my high school, and everyone signed up, except me. I was such an idiot! I signed up for.... creative writing! I was *dying* to take a writing class. And then, not enough people signed up, the class got cancelled, driver's ed was already full, and I got assigned to home economics... which was painful (think: "here's how we sift flour!").

But again, had either of my parents been paying attention, or had the least clue or interest in what I was doing, or just a modicum of desire to actually "parent", they might have stopped me and said, "Have you thought this through? You're going to need to be able to drive... a driver's ed class would be a big help!"

I know, it's a small example. But, there were plenty of big ones too. Just crazy stuff. I have a younger brother that spent an alarming amount of time chasing my sister and I around with a very large knife, trying to kill us! My mom's reaction was, "Oh just ignore him, he just wants attention." All I can think now is, "Seriously? When the kid is running around with a butcher knife and slashing under bedroom doors to try to get at people, maybe he NEEDS some ATTENTION!" *sigh*!

Sorry, not to whip out the crazy! Just... ugh. My mom has this very almost pleasant demeanor, like she expects we can be best friends now that I'm all grown up, and I'm just so not up for that at all! Nope, sorry!

Thanks for the believe on the vitamins! I know it sounds a little crazy, but I don't care, it's made a difference and I'm actually up and doing things, and not just crashed out in bed with no desire to get up even for a shower. I don't even care if they're a placebo, I'm keeping them!

I've actually got the bottle sitting right in front of my computer. When I get up, I bring breakfast into my office and get online, so I take a vitamin then.

And... ah therapy. Yeah, it's really hard. I went today, and am totally wiped out from it. I didn't quit. I almost did. I *did* manage to tell him, "I don't hate you, but I really HATE therapy" and he took it surprisingly well. It's so hard, because I absolutely believe he wants to help, but I'm not sure if he can... *sigh*. I don't want to quit until I feel *sure* that it's not going to be useful, but in the meantime, it's not cheap!

"And this is one of those situations where it's just impossible to tell if it's some kind of internal resistance or a logical conclusion."

Yup! I can't tell at all. Part of it is, I know there are things I need to deal with in therapy. But, I don't really know what a successful therapy experience looks like. Everybody seems to love their therapist and feel good, supported, and empathized with - and I just don't. But I don't know how much of that is me (bad attachment patterns from my crappy parents!) versus reality. And, he really has been better at handling my stuff than any of the others I've tried, and I know I am NOT an easy person to do therapy on.

I told him today that I think I'm "not therapatizable" And he said, "well, you're *hard* to therapitize, but not impossible!" LOL.

And, yeah, it would definitely be less awful it were cheaper, but the problem is... I've had some really awful experiences, and this guy actually seems to have his own stuff in order, enough that me telling him how horrible therapy is doesn't make him defensive or freak out. (One past therapist thought I hated him because I couldn't open up and talk! Ugh, it had nothing to do with him!)

And, yikes to your overlapping schedule today! That's sounds crazy, I hope you got it all worked out. You've got to get some fun in though! Even if it's just a quick walk around the block to get some fresh air. Are you still working on the pottery at all, it sounded like you really enjoyed that... maybe that would be a good way to turn off thinking about the crazy workplace?

[I had to delete some smilies! I got a message that I had 14, and the maximum allowed for messages is 12! I want to add a surprised look here, but that will put me over the limit... so imagine my eyes wide with surprise!!!)