[Data]

Hi, I don't have a specific question its more of a rant really. I usually get really stressed and emotional at work. I try and keep my temper at work but its hard and it affects not just my working life but also my home life. I cope by overeating and drinking too much but as we all know this is not healthy.

I have a difficult home life also. My wife has serious psychological problems and she struggles to accept things. My son has Aspergers. I also have a teenage daughter. I have no real friends to turn to since I have relationship difficulties, so I can't really make friends.

I also have a lot of stress in my life. I work full time. I also work part-time as a tutor for a distance learning university. And I run a hiking club.

I work as a software developer and my work is very important to me. I feel the management don't listen to me, and that they don't respect me. I am the only software developer there, I know about how to develop programs and they don't. I have been working in computing since 2002, and I've been a programmer for 3 years now. I have a degree in computing and a PhD in artificial intelligence.

I struggle to form relationships at work and I've observed people from a distance ridiculing me (I am obese).

A couple of times I have lost my temper at work, usually its little flare-ups but one time I went in the lift and screamed and shouted at people and had to apologise. I struggle to control my anger.
I have mood swings and some mornings can be hell. I am taking citalopram at the moment but not sure it will help.

I am responsible for creating a large program at work and because of the way the company manages things, I am concerned that they are going to ruin the project and I will get the blame. But in my last job I was upset because the work was so hard, the project was failing and I hated my boss. In the job before that I struggled to find a niche in the company and I didn't get on well with people and lost my temper. In the job before that, I couldn't get on with my boss. Before my PhD, I had a job that I hated as I hardly did anything all day, there was no work for me. In the job before that I was overworked and subject to workplace bullying.

I can't remember the last time I was happy at work. So I am all wound up internally about the problems at work, but I know in 6 months they will have changed, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Why can't I just relax about things and leave work in the office? But it stresses me constantly. And its not just stress, its anger and guilt. I think the anger makes me drink more than the stress.

Hello Data, from one software developer to another

The way you describe your work, sounds like the story of my professional life.

Working in the IT industry for 25 years now, I know how difficult it is to keep it cool. I had moments when I impolitely expressed my frustration at work... I blew gaskets, I laid eggs, I had tantrums... you name it, I did it.

I used to see the software I developed as my offspring, I was always really passionate about my work, especially at the beginning of my career. I'd always put my heart and soul into that, so much as to be working Monday to Monday in 3 different jobs at one point...

Long story short, one day I kind of flipped a switch and everything changed. I started working not out of passion anymore, but to pay the bills. And that is how it should have been all the time.

Only very few people in this world can work in what they love, and enjoy it. The rest of us, well, we work because we need to.

You see, the good baker gets up at 4 in the morning and then labours tirelessly to make his best bread yet, but as soon as it is baked and sold, it is consumed by someone who says "It's only bread...". Later on or the next day, all the baker's hard work goes down the toilet... literally.

And so is the life of the accountant, the policeman/policewoman, the street sweeper, the plumber, the caretaker, the vet, the undertaker, the bus driver, etc... why should it be any different for a software developer?

I guess that what I'm trying to say is: it is what it is: work. It's a means to an end, it's something to keep the cogs moving and definitely not worth chewing your nails or growing grey hair for.

I wish you the best

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by Data

Why can't I just relax about things and leave work in the office? But it stresses me constantly. And its not just stress, its anger and guilt. I think the anger makes me drink more than the stress.

Well even though it's not good and sucks to experience, it does make sense to me. For most people, our jobs are the difference between staying afloat and dying on the streets. There is so much serious significance behind employment that it's almost never "just a job" whether you're a physician, a programmer or a waitress. So I think when there is a lot of stress at work itself, it can easily provoke a crap-ton of more primal stress about survival, taking care of family and so on, even if it's all on a subconscious level.

I'm currently working as a cashier in a gas station, and more often than not I have nightmares about being at work and things going wrong. It's craziness.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Data

Hi, I don't have a specific question its more of a rant really. I usually get really stressed and emotional at work. I try and keep my temper at work but its hard and it affects not just my working life but also my home life. I cope by overeating and drinking too much but as we all know this is not healthy.

I have a difficult home life also. My wife has serious psychological problems and she struggles to accept things. My son has Aspergers. I also have a teenage daughter. I have no real friends to turn to since I have relationship difficulties, so I can't really make friends.

I also have a lot of stress in my life. I work full time. I also work part-time as a tutor for a distance learning university. And I run a hiking club.

I work as a software developer and my work is very important to me. I feel the management don't listen to me, and that they don't respect me. I am the only software developer there, I know about how to develop programs and they don't. I have been working in computing since 2002, and I've been a programmer for 3 years now. I have a degree in computing and a PhD in artificial intelligence.

I struggle to form relationships at work and I've observed people from a distance ridiculing me (I am obese).

A couple of times I have lost my temper at work, usually its little flare-ups but one time I went in the lift and screamed and shouted at people and had to apologise. I struggle to control my anger.
I have mood swings and some mornings can be hell. I am taking citalopram at the moment but not sure it will help.

I am responsible for creating a large program at work and because of the way the company manages things, I am concerned that they are going to ruin the project and I will get the blame. But in my last job I was upset because the work was so hard, the project was failing and I hated my boss. In the job before that I struggled to find a niche in the company and I didn't get on well with people and lost my temper. In the job before that, I couldn't get on with my boss. Before my PhD, I had a job that I hated as I hardly did anything all day, there was no work for me. In the job before that I was overworked and subject to workplace bullying.

I can't remember the last time I was happy at work. So I am all wound up internally about the problems at work, but I know in 6 months they will have changed, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Why can't I just relax about things and leave work in the office? But it stresses me constantly. And its not just stress, its anger and guilt. I think the anger makes me drink more than the stress.

I hope this helps. If you are not seeing a therapist, I recommend you find one. You will benefit from having someone help you untangle the upsetting threads of your life. You might also consider AA meetings and Overeaters Anonymous meetings. Nonjudgmental support can be very comforting and helpful--and this is something you can do just for yourself. This might be a good way for you to address your food and drink and relationship issues. One of the things I noticed about IT departments and personnel is that they are often better with things--ideas, programs, data-- than people. View your job as a paycheck and keep concerns project related on the job. Stop 'seeing' the bullies making fun of your appearance; stop seeing it as acceptable to lose your temper on the job, stop hoping you will like your boss and start focusing on whatever the task is at hand and at quitting time: stop thinking about work.

I've worked with some truly horrible people. I know how disheartening it can be. But once you find more enjoyment in the other parts of your life, your job will recede in importance.

In my opinion, the workplace has changed. People no longer see the need or benefit in being civil or courteous or team-oriented. But it isn't politic to point that out, so I just get along the best I can and look for personal fulfillment elsewhere.

[Data]

Originally Posted by BuildABridge

Hello Data, from one software developer to another

...
I wish you the best

Thanks for your best wishes. I think that I am quite depressed at the moment. The other day I cried a little at the end of the day - because I felt OK. And OK felt MUCH better than I normally feel. So I realised just how down I've been.

I have realised I am looking for work to gratify me emotionally. I am looking for my job to make me feel better. And often its the opposite.

Whether I'll ever get a job which fulfils that role I am not so sure.

You sound happier after your "switch flip". Maybe one day a switch will flip in me!

[Data]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Well even though it's not good and sucks to experience, it does make sense to me. For most people, our jobs are the difference between staying afloat and dying on the streets. There is so much serious significance behind employment that it's almost never "just a job" whether you're a physician, a programmer or a waitress. So I think when there is a lot of stress at work itself, it can easily provoke a crap-ton of more primal stress about survival, taking care of family and so on, even if it's all on a subconscious level.

I'm currently working as a cashier in a gas station, and more often than not I have nightmares about being at work and things going wrong. It's craziness.

Yes but lots of people don't worry about their jobs. They'd worry if they didn't have a job, but while they have one, they don't let it get to them. In some ways I wish I was a bit like that!

Your nightmares sound scary.

[Data]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I hope this helps. If you are not seeing a therapist, I recommend you find one. You will benefit from having someone help you untangle the upsetting threads of your life. You might also consider AA meetings and Overeaters Anonymous meetings. Nonjudgmental support can be very comforting and helpful--and this is something you can do just for yourself. This might be a good way for you to address your food and drink and relationship issues. One of the things I noticed about IT departments and personnel is that they are often better with things--ideas, programs, data-- than people. View your job as a paycheck and keep concerns project related on the job. Stop 'seeing' the bullies making fun of your appearance; stop seeing it as acceptable to lose your temper on the job, stop hoping you will like your boss and start focusing on whatever the task is at hand and at quitting time: stop thinking about work.

I've worked with some truly horrible people. I know how disheartening it can be. But once you find more enjoyment in the other parts of your life, your job will recede in importance.

In my opinion, the workplace has changed. People no longer see the need or benefit in being civil or courteous or team-oriented. But it isn't politic to point that out, so I just get along the best I can and look for personal fulfillment elsewhere.

I've seen many therapists throughout my life and had several years of therapy. I am coming to believe that I have reached the limit of what therapy can achieve. And therapy is expensive.

I have attended a couple of AA meetings but it wasn't a pleasant experience for me, I didn't find it helpful or agree with their philosophy.

You are correct about IT departments, I have observed that also.

I don't see it as acceptable to lose my temper at work, I'd like to learn to control myself better.

I don't think the people at work are horrible. My boss is strange but a nice man. The problem is that I struggle with relationships. I always have. I don't really understand other people. I can manage the general social skills which are good enough to pass an interview and function in an IT job. But I just don't have the sophisticated social skills required to make friends, influence people, and break into cliques. I think this is because i have some autistic traits and some BPD features. I am reading a book on social skills at the moment, I am hoping this helps me.

[AutumnEmbers]

I'm sorry to hear that you are having these experiences. I am in a different field, but can relate to work stresses and frustrations relating to both tasks and environment/coworkers. It's a challenge, and sometimes it takes a toll on us and our well-being.

We can't change others, or how they act or treat us and toxic work environments can take a toll on us and our well-being. With time and support, we can take control of our lives, though, and in time can change how we process and think about these situations.

I would echo some of what "IceCreamKid" has noted. You've gained an awareness that there's dissonance in your life, and it sounds like you've been able to identify a few components that are effecting you... it may be worth trying to find support for some of the things you are experiencing whether that is a therapist or a support group. Finding a few moments for "me time" can also be valuable to explore and a tool to begin distancing the work from following you home.

I wish you the best of luck!

[IceCreamKid]

You seem to think you've found the answers to your situation. So far neither therapy nor AA seem to have worked. Yet one of AA's philosophies is "It works if you work it." Not all AA meetings or groups are alike, and attending two meetings isn't a fair shot. In my opinion, AA isn't just about not drinking. It's about creating a healthy sober life, and that is an ongoing process that isn't always immediately pleasant but is ultimately rewarding.

There are all kinds of therapeutic approaches, but therapy is unlikely to fix autism. I'm not sure what you mean by BPD. Do you mean bipolar disorder? Or do you mean Borderline Personality Disorder? I've never heard of Borderline Personality Disorder mixed with autism; I wouldn't call those two conditions natural bedfellows. If you mean Bipolar Disorder, drinking isn't going to fix that.

I have to tell you that "sophisticated social skills required to make friends, influence people, and break into cliques" aren't really sophisticated. In fact they are simple, best learned when someone is young and over time they become automatic. The best social skills are being pleasant, honest and polite, keeping your hands to yourself, sharing, taking turns, and allowing others to talk about themselves.

There are plenty of ways to "influence people". Hitler influenced people. So did Mahatma Ghandi. So what is it you really mean?

I believe "breaking into cliques" is a waste of time. The social skills I mention above will draw people to you.

Negative self-talk like "I've always been bad at relationships" is a waste of time, too. Relationships are always evolving. You don't have to understand people to have good relations with them at work, and there is no magic formula to understanding individuals; many people don't even understand themselves. Listening is a good place to start, though.

Therapy doesn't achieve anything. The individual does, with the insight and assistance of the therapist. If you want better social skills a therapist who runs group therapy might be the place to start.

If you were talking about Borderline Personality disorder then DBT is a long haul process but it does have some success.

[bigblackdog]

The problem is that I struggle with relationships. I always have. I don't really understand other people. I can manage the general social skills which are good enough to pass an interview and function in an IT job. But I just don't have the sophisticated social skills required to make friends, influence people, and break into cliques. I think this is because i have some autistic traits and some BPD features. I am reading a book on social skills at the moment, I am hoping this helps me.

Yeah, so there's a couple of things at play here:

Tech departments simply aren't known as hotbeds of relationship bliss....techs of most kinds tend to be object-oriented vs people-oriented.

Have you looked at DBT? That might help.

But honestly, find a way to deal with frustration and the people that you work with. It's okay to take breaks to deal with emotions, if your boss or co-workers have an issue, just tell them you are going for a walk to think through a coding problem.

Is it easy? O Hell no.

[Data]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

You seem to think you've found the answers to your situation. So far neither therapy nor AA seem to have worked. Yet one of AA's philosophies is "It works if you work it." Not all AA meetings or groups are alike, and attending two meetings isn't a fair shot. In my opinion, AA isn't just about not drinking. It's about creating a healthy sober life, and that is an ongoing process that isn't always immediately pleasant but is ultimately rewarding.

There are all kinds of therapeutic approaches, but therapy is unlikely to fix autism. I'm not sure what you mean by BPD. Do you mean bipolar disorder? Or do you mean Borderline Personality Disorder? I've never heard of Borderline Personality Disorder mixed with autism; I wouldn't call those two conditions natural bedfellows. If you mean Bipolar Disorder, drinking isn't going to fix that.

I have to tell you that "sophisticated social skills required to make friends, influence people, and break into cliques" aren't really sophisticated. In fact they are simple, best learned when someone is young and over time they become automatic. The best social skills are being pleasant, honest and polite, keeping your hands to yourself, sharing, taking turns, and allowing others to talk about themselves.

There are plenty of ways to "influence people". Hitler influenced people. So did Mahatma Ghandi. So what is it you really mean?

I believe "breaking into cliques" is a waste of time. The social skills I mention above will draw people to you.

Negative self-talk like "I've always been bad at relationships" is a waste of time, too. Relationships are always evolving. You don't have to understand people to have good relations with them at work, and there is no magic formula to understanding individuals; many people don't even understand themselves. Listening is a good place to start, though.

Therapy doesn't achieve anything. The individual does, with the insight and assistance of the therapist. If you want better social skills a therapist who runs group therapy might be the place to start.

If you were talking about Borderline Personality disorder then DBT is a long haul process but it does have some success.

On the contrary, if I had the answers I'd not be here .

I don't subscribe to the religious aspects of AA. And I felt the meetings were about sharing drinking stories, I don't see how that would help me. Drink is more a symptom for me rather than a root cause. And I have seen some unhealthy aspects to AA.

By BPD I mean I have some traits of borderline personality disorder. I also have some traits of autism. There is no reason why these should not coexist. I don't have enough of either for a full diagnosis.

I would not be eligible for DBT or group therapy on our NHS here in the UK.

[Data]

Originally Posted by bigblackdog

Yeah, so there's a couple of things at play here:
But honestly, find a way to deal with frustration and the people that you work with. It's okay to take breaks to deal with emotions, if your boss or co-workers have an issue, just tell them you are going for a walk to think through a coding problem.

Is it easy? O Hell no.

That is a good idea, thanks.