My CEO hit on me

I don’t think you invited anything. He used it as invitation, so it’s on him. Some men will do such things regardless what you do or don’t do.

I was hit by men in few completely inappropriate situations (including bosses) and I never shared anything with them at all and I am not flirty or anything like that. And yet they’d make inappropriate propositions.

So it’s not you. It’s him

Thank you.

I certainly did not intend anything by it.

Well, it definitely pays to be picky with who you confide in, but don't think your openness is in any way an invitation for misconduct. That may not have even been the reason he hit on you. Some men even take rejection or prudishness as a turn on because they see it as a challenge.

This is all about boundaries. A good boss would set them with his subordinates. If he felt like your friendliness was an invitation to an affair and had good morals, HE would have set a boundary verbal or otherwise.

I would suggest, be more cautious but do not blame yourself at all.

Thank you, Guy. I greatly appreciate your supportive words. I agree with you. And this says something about his overall character. I really like him otherwise and have since I started working there. I felt special and privileged because he always talked to me. But now I see that it was perhaps because he was attracted to me. It’s confusing. I want to be valued as a professional, not as a sex object.

I had an epiphany today about WHY I may have opened up to him to begin with.

Months and months ago, my desk moved across the room, so I no longer sat in close proximity to his office and that meant that he stopped coming by my desk to casually chit chat. Then COVID hit, and we lost all contact as we all worked from home. In the meantime, for months, I was gearing up to approach him about a possible leadership position.

I emailed him on a whim one day during COVID to inform him that I may be getting a divorce, saying that I was having a rough go of things, but to reassure him that it wouldn't effect my work. This email was prompted by a prior email from him to just "check in" on me, tell me I was doing a good job, and to reach out if I ever needed anything. So I took him up on that and reached out to him on a personal level.

I think subconsciously I wanted to reestablish a connection with him again to help bridge the lack of communication and also in preparation for approaching him about a leadership role. So I opened up on a personal level to reestablish that connection we once had. This is what I believe was going on rather intuitively for me and on a subconscious level.

And it DID open a door. We had two phone conversations after I sent that email. We spoke at length on the phone for about an hour at a time. And we talked mainly about COVID, about life and about our marital problems. I felt close to him again, and honestly, that felt good. I felt not only valued by him on a professional level, but I felt like we had a semblance of a friendship too. He had even told me in a prior email that he viewed me as a friend - and last Thanksgiving, he had given all employees a gift with a personal handwritten card. My card from him said "thank you for all your hard work and for your friendship".

It IS confusing though.

Was he only chit chatting with me in the beginning BECAUSE he was attracted to me? Or was it more so because he was really glad he hired me, he felt like I was a fresh breeze in the office and he wanted to get to know me better? It's hard to know.

I know that when I was first hired, that they looked to me as a senior in my department to tell them what was being done right, and what was being done incorrectly. They wanted my feedback and input and asked for it from me. They sensed things were not being done right in my department. They even fired the Director above me when I first got there. And the CEO is the one who hired me, not the Director, and not my former boss.

Oh, the whole thing is confusing.

Even after he hits on me, I have to admit that I still kind of like him as a person. I don't know why, even though I say his character is poor. Perhaps it was just poor judgement on his part - or perhaps it really does point to a lack of morals.

I view him as someone who is human, MISERABLE in his marriage, a bit lost and very lonely. He and his wife have slept in separate bedrooms for TEN years. He was living apart from her all this summer and was enjoying it. While on the phone, I was encouraging him to take steps so that he can be happier.

He is also only five years older than me, I found out at our lunch. It came out somehow. I had told him I'm turning 50. I may have even asked him how old he is. We had had two glasses of wine at lunch, and we both were a little buzzed. Perhaps I forgot to mention that. Perhaps it was the alcohol talking on his part, when he said he wanted to invite me to his cottage.

But I lost my boundaries by asking his age. I asked him this AFTER he said he wanted to invite me to his cottage.

I am working on strengthening my boundaries. This is a weakness of mine and something that I know I need to work on.

If you've read this far, thank you for listening.

Many times, when you hear of people having affairs (even affairs that grow into new marriages), it started when two coworkers commiserate about their unhappy relationships.

The order of events makes the whole thing with the CEO confusing to me, too, because HH got laid off. Why wasn’t someone else laid off instead? Then he suggests this lunch...what for?...and he hits on you. It’s like now that you were not his employee it was okay for him to have an affair with you.

You know he doesn’t have such great character. He lies to clients and does underhanded things in business. It’s safe to assume this extends to his cheating on his wife and thinking of you as a sex object.

Yeah. I have a tendency to want to see the best in people. And when I feel someone has been nice to me (which he has been), I don't want to think poorly of that person.

But you're right. He has led the team to lie to clients. That was Ok by him. And he allowed underhanded crap to go on with my boss and my manager. That was also Ok by him. And now hitting on me after he laid me off is Ok by him.

I need to view him as he truly is -- and not as how I want him to be.

Perhaps he has some charisma and good social skills and he knew what to say to get people hooked, that what often seems attractive.

However he lacks morals and would throw you under the bus any time, I am glad he isn’t your boss anymore.

And honestly usually (not always of course) if a man invites you out (lunch or dinner no matter), and not you and your spouse or you in a group, it’s a date, not a business meeting, especially if alcohol involved. So he thought he was on a date, hence suggesting going to his cottage. Yikes.

And who knows what’s really going on in his marriage, perhaps he isn’t treating his wife right or hits on other women too much. I don’t buy men’s stories about their bad marriage (unless I know them very well on a personal level). It’s often done to open possibilities of hitting on other women

I’d cut all ties. Not rudely but I’d just stop all contacts with him

Well, he is an entrepreneur and has strong charisma along with incredible sales skills. He is a personality in a room and a presence.

Wow, well, if he thought it was a 'date', he could not have been more wrong. That is not how I viewed it at all. When he first offered to have lunch, it was in the context of talking to me about my future path and how he could help me.

As it is, we spoke mainly about professional things while at lunch. It wasn't until we were about to leave and after a couple glasses of wine that he asked how things were at home. I said great, and that there's been a huge turnaround. He said, oh ok-- then a few mins later, he said I was going to invite you to my cottage. So I told him my husband would not be comfortable with that.

The whole thing is weird to me. I am still processing the whole situation.

I cannot cut ties with him. I need his good reference for future jobs. I cannot afford to not rely on his reference.

If you need his reference, I’d keep his info on hand in case you need to contact him in the future. I’d just not keep in touch in terms of like calling each other or having any more meet ups. This guy isn’t to be trusted.

I’m in full agreement with that. No need to meet up again or talk on the phone.

He has some nerve to lay you off and then hit on you! I would not trust him as a reference.

I know, right?

I have no choice. He’s my one good reference from that place.

What a creep!

Get the reference then cut all ties after a new employer follows it up. Even thanking him when you get a new job could lead him to think you want to stay in touch.

I'll never get involved with someone at work again, not that I've had a job in five years. Stupid to realise it would end in any other way than it actually did. Thought he was a decent guy but fell for the oldest line in the book!!

He clearly saw it as an opportunity for something fishy. Its been many years since I had a new job but I recall I always used former bosses and coworkers for references and recommendations and many of them were men. They never ever invited me for lunch or dinner, let alone drinks in order to provide a reference. Usually phone conversations or emails are more than sufficient. They don’t need to go out with me to provide me with references, they already know me! They can provide it based on what they know or call me and ask me questions if need to

Clearly he had an agenda. This guy is sneaky and arrogant. I’d accept his references and would go no contact. He doesn’t need continuous interaction, one reference is enough.

I wonder how your husband felt about this? Men usually understand how other men operate. Did he not suspect this guy inviting you out was up to no good?

Yeah, I will definitely minimize contact to only what’s necessary.

I only dated one guy from work but I was 22 and working at a ski resort. He was my boss.

The lunch was to talk about contacts and connections he could make for me. He’s sending my resume to a couple organizations.

My husband thought it was weird that he asked me to lunch. Then wasn’t shocked when he hit on me.

I think what bothers me is there was a power imbalance- I'll explain. You need a stellar reference- and he knows this. There is a pandemic going on and all jobs are now no longer guaranteed and the economy took a dump. In regular circumstances you would want a good reference but in these circumstances you NEED a good reference in order to recover. Add that to the fact that he has some basic info about your marriage issues. So I think he thought that you would be receptive to anything. I am not saying he is holding your reference hostage on the basis of you having an affair with him but he knows that this reference will be essential to your employment. It may not have been a total quid pro quo but sort of a passive aggressive way to test the waters.

I agree about the power imbalance, and in fact, had thought of that too just yesterday.

He knows I need his reference. I know he will still give me a very positive reference, even though I rejected him. And when he hit on me, I wasn't confrontational about it. All I said was my husband wouldn't approve or appreciate my going to the CEO's cottage.

The whole situation just stinks. I don't like it.

Have Hope, what kind of work relationship did you have with this CEO? Were you two always very personal with each other? Did he mistake your personal disclosure about your marriage problems as you inviting him to have an affair? I am trying to understand why you would go so far as to confide in your company's CEO about your marriage problems, instead of just keeping that information to yourself?

I don’t mean to be rude but it’s already explained through this entire thread. If you had actually read the thread, you would have your question answered. I also do not need to feel judged for this experience. Your tone and wording are very judgmental.

I guess I just need more clarity on why you created multiple threads about your CEO. Do you have feelings for him?

I do not have multiple threads about my CEO, Motts. I have a few threads going about various work issues I faced at this company. This is the only thread I have about my CEO specifically. I never had feelings for him. You are reading the entire situation incorrectly. Again, I encourage you to read each of my posts in this thread about the CEO.

@Motts this explains where I was coming from.

“Months and months ago, my desk moved across the room, so I no longer sat in close proximity to his office and that meant that he stopped coming by my desk to casually chit chat.”
^ Maybe someone was threatened by this fraternizing between you two. Who was responsible for moving you?