[Have Hope]

What is wrong? What is going on?

I have been bullied in different jobs by at least 6 different people who have been either my direct supervisor or a more senior colleague.

I am being bullied yet again by yet another boss in my current job. I am trying to understand why.

I do my job very well, and I am very successful in my career. I am also very intelligent and offer great solutions and ideas. I am hard working, diligent, responsible, professional, respectful of others, and diplomatic. I am polite in my communications with others, and I frequently (if not always) express my gratitude to colleagues for their hard work and/or assistance.

My current boss who is bullying me now is far less intelligent, and I don't think she's all that successful in her career. She has remained at the same level position for many years, despite. being in the same company for over 21 years. She did not go to a good college, and I went to a very good college. I have also not seen one ounce of her own work since I started there nearly a year and a half ago. I have not seen her develop or give a single group presentation, even though all of us who report to her do, and even though her own boss does. She has not given any presentations in team meetings, even though all of us do.

She is very loud and is a kiss up. She talks out of both sides of her mouth often, and I've seen her talk badly about colleagues behind their backs, while being sugary nice to them to their face. On LinkedIn, she likes to comment on all our CEO's posts, saying inappropriate things such as "I'm so proud of you!" What she should be saying instead is "I am proud to be a part of your organization!" The CEO is NOT her son OR her employee.

She berates me frequently, coming down very hard on me, and sometimes in front of other people. She singles me out on our team and makes me feel invisible by treating me very differently than everyone else,. She has insulted me in front of team members, and has been overtly rude to me in front of other team members. She plays favorites on our team, and it's 100% crystal clear that she favors my other two team members over me.

I've read in psychology articles that bully bosses bully and target those people they feel inferior and envy towards - those that are more successful and smarter or more competent than they are.

Is this what could be going on? I don't know how I could be offending her otherwise. I know I am not perfect by any means, but I am a good employee. I do my work to the best of my abilities and always push myself to do better. I do have high ambitions and look for ways to succeed. Is there anything wrong with wanting to shine in my job????

My question then is: what is it about bully bosses that cause them to target certain people?

I am not weak and I am not insecure either. And I am not "too nice" at work. I just go to work and get the work done.

So what is it??? Is it exactly like I've read about online? Are those the true reasons why this happens? And why it keeps happening to me over and over again?

[Have Hope]

I guess no one can help, or maybe no one has an answer. I feel very alone.

I had a meeting with my bully boss to confront some of her bullying behaviors towards me. I even used ChatGPT to make sure my tone and approach were respectful, professional, and diplomatic. She gaslighted me in response. I had told her that she takes on a harsh and punitive tone with me, on more than one occasion. Her reply was that I have misinterpreted her intention.

BS. Just last week when she got angry with me over something, she gave me a lecture about the company culture being collaborative, when I have been working there a year and a half already and when she had only just recently (in writing) congratulated me on my collaborative efforts with other teams.

I mentioned this contradiction in my meeting with her yesterday too.

She also just removed me from her Instagram, when she is connected with several other of my colleagues, making it overtly and painfully obvious that she doesn't care for me. It feels like she WANTS me to feel socially and professionally isolated. She plays favorites in the office too - giving my teammates roses for their birthday and a team lunch, and me, no roses, but lame flowers and no team lunch.

It's SO obvious that she favors others and shows it, while mistreating me.

I am becoming depressed over this issue, and work is a constant and many hours during the week, which makes this issue pervasive in my life.

I am so tired of this at jobs. I am so tired of being treated like crap. I am freaking sick and tired of it. It's happened ALL of my life from various directions: bosses, colleagues, acquaintances, boyfriends, and my ex husband was also a bully.

WTH??

[NovaBlaze]

There isn’t an easy answer to this, unfortunately. You’ve tried to address the issue calmly and rationally, and it sounds like you’ve hit a brick wall.

I don’t think your boss’s attitude is going to change without dramatic intervention from someone higher up. It’s a question of whether you think you can get that support from higher up - and even if you do, you face the age old problem of then potentially having to go back and work with that boss - unless your claims are sufficient to have her removed from post, or you moved teams. In the latter case it then depends on how receptive your new boss is, and will they know the history of your current issues.

From my experience, there’s no happy ending in this scenario. I know you said you don’t want to move, but you have to balance up the short term pain of finding another job, against the continual daily war with your current boss. Which is the lesser of the two evils? Or, you try and find a way of ignoring the situation with your current boss in a way that allows you to continue working effectively. Again, if that can’t happen, you have to balance up your options.

As an aside, what is it, do you think, that your boss likes about the people she is buying roses and team lunches for?

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by NovaBlaze

There isn’t an easy answer to this, unfortunately. You’ve tried to address the issue calmly and rationally, and it sounds like you’ve hit a brick wall.

I don’t think your boss’s attitude is going to change without dramatic intervention from someone higher up. It’s a question of whether you think you can get that support from higher up - and even if you do, you face the age old problem of then potentially having to go back and work with that boss - unless your claims are sufficient to have her removed from post, or you moved teams. In the latter case it then depends on how receptive your new boss is, and will they know the history of your current issues.

From my experience, there’s no happy ending in this scenario. I know you said you don’t want to move, but you have to balance up the short term pain of finding another job, against the continual daily war with your current boss. Which is the lesser of the two evils? Or, you try and find a way of ignoring the situation with your current boss in a way that allows you to continue working effectively. Again, if that can’t happen, you have to balance up your options.

As an aside, what is it, do you think, that your boss likes about the people she is buying roses and team lunches for?

@NovaBlaze, thank you so much for your reply!

I can't move companies right now. I don't have it in me to interview and to find another role. I am in a good company now, with great benefits and a good salary. I like my teammates. My boss is the only issue and hurdle.

I also spent the last 16 years looking for a new job. I need to stay put. I am exhausted.

I can try and ignore it and go about my business. The next time it happens, I will confront it again, but this time much more firmly and directly.

I've been reading that it's good and best to stand up to a bully, even at work.

I am speaking about it with her boss tomorrow. I am going to ask him not to speak with her directly about it, because I don't want any retaliation or further isolation and discomfort within my small team environment.

I talked to a colleague about it yesterday. She said that;'s not her experience.

I believe that the teammates she likes better do not threaten her job at all. I am the only one on the team that could potentially come close to threatening her job.

I've read that bosses bully when they feel threatened. So I must threaten her in some way.

I'm now wondering if others have come forward with complaints about her. She has seemed to be unusually very stressed at times, saying things like, oh the new Director may ask us what our priorities are at any time. She should know what her priorities are; the fact that she was stressed about it tells me she hasn't a clue.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I've read that bosses bully when they feel threatened. So I must threaten her in some way.

I can see how, if she were somehow to get the impression that this might be what you thought of her...

Originally Posted by Have Hope

My current boss who is bullying me now is far less intelligent, and I don't think she's all that successful in her career. She has remained at the same level position for many years, despite. being in the same company for over 21 years. She did not go to a good college, and I went to a very good college. I have also not seen one ounce of her own work since I started there nearly a year and a half ago. I have not seen her develop or give a single group presentation, even though all of us who report to her do, and even though her own boss does. She has not given any presentations in team meetings, even though all of us do.

She is very loud and is a kiss up. She talks out of both sides of her mouth often, and I've seen her talk badly about colleagues behind their backs, while being sugary nice to them to their face.

...she might feel triggered (or threatened, which is pretty much another word for the same thing).

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I've read in psychology articles that bully bosses bully and target those people they feel inferior and envy towards - those that are more successful and smarter or more competent than they are.

Is this what could be going on? I don't know how I could be offending her otherwise....

I'm not sure that envying you would always, or often, be a prerequisite for her feeling threatened. If she'd somehow learned, with or without any help from you, to associate being around you with feeling triggered, she'd tend to react to you as a threat. If her reactions tended to throw her off her stride and lead her to respond awkwardly or inappropriately, her resulting embarrassment might incline her to perceive you as even more of a threat.

Unless she were really, really good at tolerating (perceived) threats, she'd be pretty sure to respond at least a little defensively. She might seek to avoid you, or appease you, or assert her right as your boss to tell you what to do (and not do), or find small ways to "zing" you so that you might be motivated to watch your step and keep your distance. She could easily be seeing herself as the victim and you as the bully. If you insisted you weren't trying to bully her, she might decide she was being gaslighted.

If, meanwhile, you were more adept at tolerating threats -- or threats of threats -- it might not matter so much to you if she seemed to be reacting badly. However, you sound as if you easily interpret other people's actions as threats to you. You tend to become uncomfortable, blame them, and look for ways to make them stop whatever they're doing. You seem predisposed to see yourself as the victim and others as bullies. If they don't see it that way and protest that they weren't trying to bully you, that may suggest to you that they're just gaslighting you.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to keep noticing how you respond to whatever happens to you.

[Have Hope]

@FooZe, with all due respect, you have no insights into my history of abuse and bullying that has occurred throughout my entire life, beginning when I was 10 years old. You do not know, nor have you witnessed, the bullying I have experienced, therefore, I do not feel it is your place to comment on whether factually speaking, I was bullied or not in my past and even present history. You seem to question that history and seem to be flipping the script around to claim that I have not in fact been bullied, that it is all my own misinterpretation, and that I see myself as a victim instead. That is in fact victim blaming and in no way helps me or supports me in my plight. I think you should take my words at face value that I have been a victim of bullying all of my life - this in no way means that I am passive and see myself as a constant victim. But factually speaking, I have been a victim, repeatedly. So please, if you are going to comment further, trust my words and statements of having a history of abuse and bullying, and trust the fact that I am being bullied by my current boss when I state that's what's happening. It is insulting otherwise, to not be believed at my word. Thanks.

[Have Hope]

So my boss wanted to speak to me on video yesterday to follow up on the meeting I had called with her to discuss last week's incident and how I felt treated by her.

She suggested that if we get into yet another messaging "swirl" as she likes to call it, that one or both of us says "let's pause" and then we get on the phone to discuss it instead of in writing.

I agreed to this and thought it was a good plan. We do seem to communicate differently in person - she is never overtly harsh towards me to my face. I get these lectures and berating from her mainly over instant messenger, which is all in writing. No, I am not misinterpreting her either - this is now a pattern of behavior that I have witnessed and experienced.

Then I thought, after agreeing to this new approach, that she is trying to avoid having any evidence be in writing. That's my cautious side talking. And I realized that it would next become a matter of "she said vs she said" type of argument if it happens again, with no concrete evidence.

Doh! But I agreed, and I cannot take it back now. Ugh Ugh ugh.

I meet with her boss today about this whole issue. I will post an update after today's meeting. Oye.

[NovaBlaze]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

So my boss wanted to speak to me on video yesterday to follow up on the meeting I had called with her to discuss last week's incident and how I felt treated by her.

She suggested that if we get into yet another messaging "swirl" as she likes to call it, that one or both of us says "let's pause" and then we get on the phone to discuss it instead of in writing.

Doh! But I agreed, and I cannot take it back now. Ugh Ugh ugh.

I meet with her boss today about this whole issue. I will post an update after today's meeting. Oye.

A phone discussion does sound more pragmatic. Emails, whilst they are a record of what’s been said, are, I think, problematic. I know a few people who are really lovely, kind individuals, but their email “tone” is appalling. A few years ago some European companies turned off internal email facilities, and only allowed emails to external partners. They insisted on internal people using phone contact, video conferencing or face-to face.

Good luck with your meeting.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by NovaBlaze

A phone discussion does sound more pragmatic. Emails, whilst they are a record of what’s been said, are, I think, problematic. I know a few people who are really lovely, kind individuals, but their email “tone” is appalling. A few years ago some European companies turned off internal email facilities, and only allowed emails to external partners. They insisted on internal people using phone contact, video conferencing or face-to face.

Good luck with your meeting.

True! But the flip side is, it erases any evidence if it's done via talking on a video call. EEEK.

[Have Hope]

So, I met with my boss's boss yesterday. He heard me out and gave me time to lay out the issues I have with my boss. He wanted to look for solutions, naturally, and we did agree that video calls vs texting could help my communications with my boss.

He also wanted to hear me say that some feedback given by my boss has been constructive and valid, which I confirmed and consented on.

I did tell him that my boss had dropped me from her Instagram, which I said I interpret as an overt act of hostility, which alienates me further on the team. I also told him about the public berating in front of other team members.

He didn't seem to validate my concerns in the end, but then again, we were on a call for an hour and ended up talking about how the company operates for a full half hour. The conversation kind of morphed into something else.

He did validate my frustrations within the company and my role at this juncture in my tenure. He seemed to empathize with me on that front. He also gave me some tips on how to navigate through the company. It's a highly complex and highly matrixed organization.

I mentioned a change in the reporting structure as a possible solution. I only brought this up because my boss had brought the question up to me. The way she posed it to me was "I wonder if you would be better served reporting under a different group".

He said he doesn't want her to be unhappy and he doesn't want me to be unhappy. Maybe a change in reporting will be the solution... I am hoping so.

I don't know how much value there was to this call... I am left feeling uncertain and unclear. I don't know how to feel.

I wish they would just get rid of my boss.

[NovaBlaze]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

He said he doesn't want her to be unhappy and he doesn't want me to be unhappy..

I've always taken this to be a sign of a poor manager, who shies away from dealing with conflict. Their subsequent lack of action, and a tendency to bury their head in the sand and hope it will resolve itself, results in all parties being left unhappy. Sometimes managers have to take unpopular decisions, and someone has to wind up being unhappy. It's the job.

That said, at least he has spoken to you, and listened (hopefully).

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by NovaBlaze

I've always taken this to be a sign of a poor manager, who shies away from dealing with conflict. Their subsequent lack of action, and a tendency to bury their head in the sand and hope it will resolve itself, results in all parties being left unhappy. Sometimes managers have to take unpopular decisions, and someone has to wind up being unhappy. It's the job.

That said, at least he has spoken to you, and listened (hopefully).

@NovaBlaze, he could be doing that a bit. Then again, I did make a point of asking him not to mention my call with him to my boss for fear of retaliation. I said I simply wanted him to be aware of the issues. So there's that too.

[Have Hope]

I am now fighting depression over this issue with my boss. It's Christmas, and I am fighting depression yet again in my life during the holidays.

I am very scared and worried that my boss will learn I spoke with her boss about the issues. I am worried about retaliation.

I wish my boss would just get fired. She is so awful and deserves it. I wonder if other people have complained about her during her 21 years of employment with the company. Someone has had to have complained - it cannot just be me who has experienced her bullying or been at the brunt of her hostilities.

It is so very hard not to let this issue eat me up. It is eating me up - it's poison to my whole body, and it's seeped in.

How do I survive at work?

[Have Hope]

I am putting all my faith into God and into my prayers to God. That's my only survival mechanism and strategy right now. I cannot survive on my own. I need God's help and God's divine intervention.

[NovaBlaze]

I wish I could offer you some sensible advice, but you’re caught in a really awful situation. Hang in there.

Has your boss’s boss taken any action yet?

[rechu]

There's probably a 99% possibility he will bring your conversation up with your direct boss. And, if she's been there for 21 years, there's very little chance she'll be fired. Management will side with her, that's just the reality in these situations.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by NovaBlaze

I wish I could offer you some sensible advice, but you’re caught in a really awful situation. Hang in there.

Has your boss’s boss taken any action yet?

@NovaBlaze, thank you.

No action yet - I asked him not to speak with my boss about it.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by rechu

There's probably a 99% possibility he will bring your conversation up with your direct boss. And, if she's been there for 21 years, there's very little chance she'll be fired. Management will side with her, that's just the reality in these situations.

@rechu, thanks... you never know. I asked him not to speak with my boss about it. I hope he honors my wishes.

I think my boss has been moved around the company without much advancement, or with very little advancement.

They tend to pluck people from their current roles and dump them into a new role without the employee's input.

I think that's happened to my boss in her current role, and potentially with other roles she has held in the company. She's not very bright and has not progressed very far.

[Have Hope]

I've been through way too much at work, especially during the last 16 years of my career.

In one recent job, my boss and his best buddy I am convinced got me fired/laid off. That boss turned into my enemy after I had gone to HR about our reports, which on that day, had me in tears and about to quit. My boss had been out of the office that day, so I couldn't approach him. I didn't think clearly about what I was doing - I simply acted on impulse. I walked into HR's office crying. That turned into HR bringing in the company CEO into the problem with our reports. I was crying because they took up one full week to complete across all clients I carried and I felt they were far too long, far too cumbersome for our clients, and far too time consuming to write, so much so that I had a breakdown.

Well, because I went to HR instead of my boss, that made me my boss's enemy from that day forward. We did rework the reports and the shortened version took half as long. So I helped to improve and make more efficient our reporting process. But my boss resented me for it and made me pay. Eventually, he and his best buddy assigned me a task that was over my head and not in my skill set to do. I wrote an email saying I couldn't do the task because it was far beyond my skill set. The next day, I was let go from my job.

When I got hired on in a new company, I got bullied by a female superior in my first week of work! I got pulled out of orientation for an emergency project assigned by the Company CEO. I was suddenly thrown into meetings, with several people who all seemed to think they knew best when it came to my own work and industry expertise. So, I had to assert myself with my opinions and perspective to gain their buy-in and support. Well, this woman got on the phone with me after those meetings and harassed me for being assertive. She raised her voice at me and berated me for coming across as the expert. I was simply trying to do my job!

HR got involved, and to make a long story short, this woman and my new boss ganged up on me in that call. The boss sided with the bully, and HR didn't know what to do. HR played it neutral.

Well, while this was happening, my old boss and his best buddy left the old company. His best buddy got himself fired. So the CEO, who always liked me, came to me telling me he could hire me back on.

I was so distressed by being bullied by this woman in the new job, that I ended up hospitalized. I negotiated a job offer with my old company and CEO while in a pscyh ward!

I was able to quit the new job after a mere five weeks of employment and go back to the old job, but now without that old boss and his buddy trying to sabotage me.

Unfortunately, everything went wrong once again. and I had to leave the company after only 8 more months of employment due to staffing losses and high turnover on my team and in management.

And just before I had initially landed that job, six years ago I had been bullied by a female company owner in the job before that. She berated me in front of teammates, humiliating me, just for presenting ideas that opposed hers. She did not like to listen to experts on the team, and only wanted to do what she wanted to do versus what would be best for the organization. She was stubborn, strong willed, and very arrogant to think that only she knew best. Why hire experts if you're not going to listen to them?

Well, one night she called me and screamed at me for 20 minutes. I had told her that she will kill the business if she implements a certain website tactic she wanted to implement. She didn't like that input, so she berated me harshly on the phone screaming at me. (and by the way, eventually she DID implement that tactic, which DID kill the entire business as I had predicted!!).

Well, I ended up in the hospital that night, suicidal. The next day once home, I determined that I needed a time out from work,. so I took an unpaid leave of absence due to all the bullying I was experiencing working under this company owner. That leave of absence turned into four months. I looked for another job but was not in good shape to interview. When I returned to work eventually, that boss got into trouble with HR. HR then had to be involved in every email, every communication with any employee, and every phone call with employees, because I had accused her of bullying in a formal complaint.

Eventually, I was laid off/let go from that job and had to scramble to find another one.

This all is what has gone down for me in the last 7 years. Prior to that, there was a lot more bullying occurring in other jobs, to the point of me always getting sick.

I cannot get sick again, and I cannot end up in the hospital again, or needing to take a leave of absence again from work. I cannot let that happen. I am too far along in my career.... and amazingly, I have somehow managed all this time to continue rising in position and in salary, despite all the bullying, the hospitalizations, and my sickness.

I don't feel broken, but I feel the repercussions of it all.... this isn't even the half of what I've experienced in my life. This is only what's happened in the last 6-7 years.

And here I am, having to face bullying yet again in my work environment? When will this pattern end?!?

I'm not feeling sorry for myself or throwing a pity party here - I literally am at a point in my life where I just cannot take it anymore.

[Have Hope]

I think I am in a state of shell shock... My life has been one long tragedy of many tragic stories, coupled with amazing highs from having many incredible life experiences and travels.

I've lost many people in my life who have died, including an ex fiance who committed suicide three years after we had broken up.

I am definitely shell shocked.. I should not be alive. I should have offed myself by now. I don't know how I am even still standing or functioning, or even smiling cheerfully.

And I don't have a therapist. I cannot bring myself to try that route yet again, to only end in failure. I could never find a good therapist.

I am truly on my own, except for God. God is the only answer for me... I wouldn't be alive or surviving had it not been for divine intervention in all of the above tragic circumstances.