[midcilla]

I really need some advice....I feel like everything is pretty hopeless at this point! I am 30 years old and have been with my husband for 14 years (married for 4 and together before that for 10). We have 2 beautiful boys, 2.5 years old and 4 months old. When I met my husband he liked to party and drink a lot but I always thought it was because we were young and I thought he would stop when he got older. Well when we got married in 2006, he didn't stop. He would go out at least 3 nights a week and most times would be out till past 2am in the am. I wouldn't know where he was most of the time and he usually would drive himself home after drinking all night. I am not much of a drinker so I eventually stopped going out with him. Plus whenever I went with him we would usually get into a fight because we can't get along when he drinks. H told me after we got married that he would slow down when we had kids. Well a few months later we got pregnant. We moved into our own apartment. He continued to drink at least 3 nights a week (sometimes more) the entire time I was pregnant. I can honestly say he was out with his friends more than he was home with me. He always stayed out till late in the am with no phone call and usually drove home drunk. I rarely knew where he was when he was out. In fact, one morning I was driving around looking for him at 4am. He said he would change once the baby was born.....he didn't. One time I came home from work at 9pm and found out he had driven our new born baby to a friends house, drank, and then drove home with our baby. I don't care how many beers you have you don't get in the car and drive my baby home!! His "social drinking" has continued. I just recently had another baby. He has slowed down some....he will sometimes go a month without a drink at all. But then his friends call and off he goes. He neve can just have a couple. No matter how much time he has it seems like he has to drink as much as he can. He never comes home when he says he is going to, he always drives home drunk, and when he comes home he is a totally different person. He is not the person I married. He is very argumentative, will find something that aggravates me and keep doing it, and will not leave me alone even if I ask him nicely. I even found out the other night that he left my 2 year old in the car ALONE while he went into the gas station to buy some beer to take to a 3 year olds birthday party!! His response to my shock was that he could see him from the door the whole time! He always tells me that if I didn't yell at him then he would come home when he said he would but he stays out all night long even when I don't yell at him! He says there is nothing wrong with him going out "once in a while" and that it is not my fault that he doesn't want to do anything. I don't like to go anywhere with him because I ALWAYS come home alone or have to wait around till midnight for him to finish drinking with his friends. Well I finally had enough the other night and bagged all his clothes out and threw them in the front yard. I told him he has to quit drinking or we are through. My parents live next door and unfortunately they got involved. They came into our house and were yelling at him and calling him an alcoholic.....well 1 week later my husband swears he will never drink again. He says he doesn't think he has a problem but he will quit this time because he sees how much it hurts me. However, I am not sure if he really will cuz he has said it before.. Then too make matters worse he wont talk to my parents because he said they had no right to come into his house and call him an alcoholic. This is very difficult because my mother watches our children. I am about ready to go crazy trying to make my husband happy and save our marriage AND keep my parents happy. Was I wrong to be upset about my husband's drinking? Do you think he is an alcoholic or is he just a social drinker who will be able to stop if he stays away from his friends? Were my parents wrong to get involved? HELP ME!

[splitimage]

Sounds like you're in a very difficult situation. And yes it does sound to me like your husband has a drinking problem. But only he can admit it, and he'll only do something about it when he truely wants to, you can't force him to change.

I strongly encourage you to find an Alanon meeting in your area and attend. Alanon is for family and friends of people who are alcoholic or have drinking problems. It's a great support network and can help you to build a stable life for you and your children despite your husband's drinking.

Keep posting here for support to.

Stay strong.

--splitimage

Hello, midcilla. Unfortunately, he does not seem to be able to control his drinking. Please take care of yourself and your child. I fear his drinking will only get worse.

[billieJ]

I, too, fear that your concerns may be justfied, by the unkept promises, the inability to stop after a few, the risks with the child, the drunk driving, the personality changes, etc. One final question. Do you have any reason to believe that he has relatively little memory of his behaviors from "the night before"? Such blackouts pretty much cinch the question, but I think you have already done that. However, if he keeps this promise, he keeps it. My best wishes from the heart. Do contact Alynon. You will get most valuable info and support there. AA, listed in the phone book, will be able to direct you to Alynon. Or you may find meeting times in the local paper. Oh, and about my signature. You can forgive your husband withOUT letting me back in your life if he is endangering your children.

How are you doing, midcilla?

[NuckingFutz]

You know that your husband can kill himself, your children and other people on the road when he drinks and drives. He is a danger to himself and others. I agree that keeping your children safe is priority number one. He could have gotten arrested for child engangerment...believe me, it is also a felony if convicted. Al Anon would be good for you. I am sorry about all the promises that he has broken. One question though...when you put his stuff on the lawn...how'd he get back in?

[midcilla]

I am hanging in there. My parents still are not talking to my husband and vice versa...which makes it real difficult when my mom lives next door and watches the kids for me while I work. He hasn't had one drink since the fight....but this isn't the first time he has gone extended periods of time to only going right back to his own ways. Since I first posted we have already gotten into a few more arguments because he will comment that he will stop drinking BUT he still doesn't there is anything wrong withhaving a drink "once in a while." I just can't get him to understand that his view of "once in a while" is different than mine and that what he does is harming his life and his family's. So I am scared every single day that this is going to be the day that he decides that he can have a "couple." And then what.....I don't know. He keeps saying that maybe sometime he will be able to just have a couple....then I say that he probably will never be able to drink again...then we fight. I keep telling myself that I have to take it one day at a time but it is soooo hard to not think "what if this happens." I would like to go to the alanon meetings but I work 10 hour days and would find it really hard to fit it in. I just pray every single day that this time will be different for him.....I hope.

[trance]

very justified...

Midcilla, how happy are you in this relationship when your husband is not drinking? I ask because is seems that alcohol has been a point of contention throughout.

If a heavy drinker stops he/she may be one of those described as a dry drunk. A dry drunk, in simplest terms, is someone who does not drink but still retains many of the characteristics of a drinking alcoholic. Those characteristics may include exaggerated self-importance and pomposity, grandiose behavior, a rigid, judgmental outlook, impatience, childish behavior, irresponsible behavior, irrational rationalization, projection and overreaction.

I am not suggesting anything by asking you about the relationship. I do know when my Dad quit, he still made life very difficult for everyone.

Good luck.

[Tatyana2009]

Hi, I just posted too about my bf having a drinking problem and then saw your post. To me - there is no question about it. He HAS a drinking problem. And from what you write your husband has too.

I am shocked to read about leaving the baby in the car etc. I am so sorry.

And also - I think it was good that your parents got ivolved! why are you supposed to deal with this on your own? and of course they called him 'alcoholic' because this is what he is. He need to understand he has a problem. Its not embarrasing to have a problem but embarrasing not to do anything about it. I would explain my parents' point of view to him and ask him to grow up. Your parents are not the one with the problem here and should not be punished for it. Having said that, if he does not want to talk to him - that is his choice. Do not stress yourself about it!

Its hard living with someone who i addicted to something that takes them away from you. I feel for you and know how you feel. Hang in there xxx

[Yoda]

You and your husband should both read the book, Under The Influence. Once you understand alcoholism you are better prepared to deal with it.

http://cgi.ebay.com/UNDER-THE-INFLUE...item4839618407

[River21]

I have been living with my alcoholic husband (his father killed him self by drinking himself to death) and for years I just let him be passed out on the couch at night and ignored it like the "elephant in the living room". He is very difficult to get along with, argumentive, boastful and just plain a ****** to be around, has lost almost of all his friends. He is addicted to his mistress, alcohol. I threatened to divorce him, argued with him, begged him to stop, took pictures of him passed out to show him, wrote him letters begging him to stop and/or threatening to leave him. None of that worked. I am seeing a therapist now and he has taught me some things. #1- my daughter and I need to have a safe home without a drunk passed out there. He asked me if I would allow him to come party at my house all weekend and pass out on my couch. I told him, no way. "That is what I am allowing" my husband to do. I was told to no longer give him idle threats (only follow through with my clear boundries). Do not allow him to come into our home after drinking, do not engage with him when he is drinking. Do not get in a car or allow my daughter to get in a car with him when he has been drinking. I told him that he will not be allowed in our house if he has been drinking and that I will not talk with him if he has been drinking. I wrote out my boundries for him on a paper and left it for him when I left for work. This was after about 2 weeks of not having a conversation with him when he was drinking. I would just tell him that I will not talk with him when he is drinking and I would leave the room. He got angry and would tell me that I have such a temper. My teenage daughter was told to do the same thing. My Mom is angry at my husband and dislikes him at this point and my therapist says that she is right to feel this way, as my husband is not treating his family fairly. She is right to feel this way, until (and if) my husband gets well and makes amends with all he has affected. I pray this will happen someday (sooner than later, I hope). Alcoholics don't wake up one day and proclaim that it's a good day for recovery. There is always a motivating factor, divorce papers, boss's ultimatum, or a family intervention, etc. When something in an alcoholic life adversely affects our life, it becomes our business and whom ever the alocoholic affects! The price a family pays with an untreated alcoholic makes it clear that alcoholics do not have the right to say that is nobodys business. This is a family disease. After now no longer making idle threats, but solid boundries, my husband has decided to get help. He has been going to AA meetings every morning at 6am for 2 weeks now. He says that he has not had a drink in 2 weeks. My therapist said that he should not be living at home until he has been to 90 meeting in 90 days without a drink. But, he has no where to go, so he is still here. If I find him drinking I will ask him to leave and not come back until the 90 has been met (I really don't care where he goes at this point-my daughter and I deserve a peaceful home) My only problem now is, sometimes my daughter and I think he has drank. We smell it on him or he acts strange. I work all day and my daughter is at school. My husband is unemployed, so he is home alone all day. But, I find no physical evidence of him drinking (bottles). So, I can't really accuse him of it with out proof. I have read that it takes a long time for a normal personality to come back after an addiction, so I attribute the strange behavior on this (and the smell of alcohol as my imagination?) This is a cunning and baffling disease! I have questioned my own sanity through all this many times and now that he claims he is not drinking, I am still doing it! I want to question him about the behavior and smell, but he got mad and defensive when I have done that. Midcilla, one book that I love that is helping me through this is "No More Letting Go, the Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction" by Debra Jay. I am also going to a Codependents woman's group through my church that gives me support. Haven't made it to alanon, yet, but am anxious to. You am wondering if your husband is an acoholic. According to the AA book (the Big Book) "Drinkers who are not alcoholics can change their ways, even when they are heavy drinkers; alcoholics cannot, with out outside help." Alcoholism isn't determined by how much you use or when you use, but by what happens as a result. I hope that maybe some of my experiences here might help you. You DO need to set boundries and the peace and safety of your family is number one. You can not change him, but you can control how you react to him. Good Luck, you are in my prayers. PS~sorry that this is so long, I just went on a tangent .

Good luck midcilla and River21. My very first memory is of my father beating up my mother in a drunken rage. The cycle of abuse from my dad's alcoholism was harder to deal with than the year I spent in Vietnam. My dad was a wonderful man when sober. People had a hard time believing what a vicious, violent person he turned into under the influence.

Who protects the children?

[River21]

Byzanthine,
I am so sorry what you went through with your father. I hope you are finding peace now! It is difficult to see the jekyl and hyde affect that the "poison" has on loved ones, and family. I call my husband's Rum ~ Jerk Juice, as that is what he becomes after having it. He almost drank a big bottle of it in one day (not the 750 ml, the bigger one), one drank of rum and coke consisted of half a pint and a little coke. I am personally feeling stronger, now that I have clearly set my boundries, getting support and making my daughter's and my peace paramount over not upsetting him. I know things must have been different in your mother's time, there is so much more known about alcoholism now and so much more support for those of us dealing with this devasting disease. We have to search out this support or we ourselves will go crazy!
We have to save our children....

Wishing you the best, River.

[River21]

And to you, also Byzantine!