[BamaSurvivor]

Today is 5 days clean for me since my relapse. I'm really wanting to stay clean but right now it feels like it's almost impossible. I have my sister on one side crying her eyes out because my dad just made her feel worthless (he's good at that. He does it to me all the time) and I have my dad on the other side screaming at me, "You're a piece of *****! Why are you defending her to me? After all the ***** she's put you through, you should hate her by now!"... I'm about ready to scream at the top of my lungs and just say f**k it all. *sigh* Why put ME in the middle of all this drama? I have enough fricken drama in my life as is without carrying others' drama. I can't win for losing.

When you get the strong urge to use, what do you use or what do you do to make the urge/craving go away? What is your coping mechenism, I guess is what I'm asking? I need advice on how to stay smart and clean. I'm losing it here.

{{{{{ Bama }}}}}

I'm no expert here, and I'll leave the advice to the experts, but until someone can answer, it sounds like you need to remove yourself from the situation and go for a walk. I know it's not a permanent solution but for now...in the moment...get outta there.

Have you found a sponsor yet?

Petunia

[mrb020377]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BAMA))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hang in there! We are here for you!!!!

[BamaSurvivor]

I did, I went and took a drive downtown and sat at the park for a few minutes. Didn't have enough gas to keep riding the roads so I came home. My sister has locked herself in her bedroom and won't open the door and my dad is giving everyone the silent treatment like a child. I'm always put in the middle of every fricken thing that goes wrong in this house. If I'm not in the middle of my mom and dad fighting, it's my sister and dad. If it's not them, it's me and daddy fighting and having everyone gang up on me.

My mom says she can't trust me because of my relapse and addiction. I'd understand if I went behind her back and used and stole money from her or lied to her, but I didn't. Not this time. I told her me and my sister was going to a friends house, which we did. I told her I didn't know what we'd be doing, which I didn't know until after we got there. I didn't have to tell my mom I relapsed, I could have hidden it from her, but I didn't. I told her straight out, yet she can't trust me? What the hell? And my dad laughs in my face and says, "I knew you'd give in again. You're just not strong enough to stay clean. You have no will power." I swear I wanted so bad to kick him in the crotch really hard! My addiction has nothing to do with being strong, it has nothing to do with will power... It has to be with being SMART and will power isn't even a part of recovery. I have a disease, it's called addiction. He doesn't know the first thing about recovery and how hard it is to stay clean, especially when dope is brought around you.

GRRRRR! Someone shoot me now.

[mrb020377]

Bama,
We arent going to shoot you... you know that.......
I know how hard this is for you... We have talked about it... I understand. Your dad sounds alot like my stepdad. I used to hate it when he would say things like that to me. Made me feel worthless.
Let me tell you something.... YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS!!!!!! YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF S**T!!!!!!
I care about you and what you are going through.

[BamaSurvivor]

My dads real good at making me feel that way a lot of times. He NEVER tells me he's proud of me. It's always, "You won't make it", or, "Just waiting for your next f**k up". It's never, "I'm proud of you, Stacy." or, "Good job!"... That man has nothing but negative to say and quite frankly, I'm f**king tired of it! If he wants to throw down, we can throw down. I'll put his ***** right back in jail where he went the last time he hit me. He very rarely hits me but when he does, he does it full force. I'd rather him hit me than belittle me. pfft!

[wi_fighter]

I don't have any great ideas for you Stacey, just hang in there. Don't give up hope that you can get out of that living situation.

I think I could have a real addictive personality, but I obsess about all of the worse things that would come out of putting a mind-numbing band-aid on the situation. My biggest vice is shopping. Any time things aren't going too great, I get the need to buy something to cheer myself up or fix things. Let's just say I really racked up the credit card debt the last year I lived with my ex husband, and now I'm really paying for it.

Please, please, please, try to avoid doing something temporary that will things worse in the long run.

[BamaSurvivor]

I'm trying to stay away... I'm doing alright so far.

[Allan]

Bama, some people just do NOT understand what addiction is and may never learn what you have to deal with on a daily basis. All we can do is try and tell them what it is about and hopefully someday they will learn. The same goes with mental illness. My father did not understand either for many many years. Now he has a little bit of knowledge about it. As far as you feeling like you are in the middle, step out of the middle. Let them fight between them selves and you just take care of what you need to keep yourself claen and sober. As far as what to do, thats tough because you have said you can not leave there yet due to financial reasons. Do me a favor if you will. Remember the first chip you got for staying clean. Put that in your pocket and leave it there. If you change clothes, keep it with you. When you feel the urge coming on, put your hand where it is and rub it. This will make you think what you had to do in order to get to that place and you can get there again. I remember I almost wore mine out from rubbing it so much allot of the time. It gave me something to focus on instead of wanting to use. I wish I had better advice but until you can remove yourself from that situation, it will be a tough road all the way. But as you know, I will be here for you every step of the way.

Allan

[BamaSurvivor]

Thank you for the advice, Allan. That's a very good idea about the chip. I'll do that. Of course my first "chip" was a 24 hours clean keychain. Then got my 3 month one, then 6 month one, and finally my 9 month one. I think I'll keep my 9 month chip in my pocket. It took a lot more to stay clean those 9 months than it did one day, although that first day was terrible too.

[Raynaadi]

I think a 4th step is in order. There is obviously a huge resentment at your family right now, and we all know that resentments make us use. Sit down, write down what they did, how it affects you, and find your part. You know you have one. And ask your Higher Power to remove the defect. It's back to basics now. Or better yet, start at step one. "You're powerless over your family situation as well as your addiction and your life is becoming unmanageable." Go from there. Work all the steps on the situation. As far as the obsession goes, I had it bad today. Something changed at work and I hate change. I got myself to a meeting straight after work, then went to another, then went for dinner with my fellow AA's, then drove straight home and thanked my Higher Power for keeping me sober one more day. I had to take it hour by hour. You went to any lengths to use, now it's time to go to any lengths to stay sober. Your crappy family situation is not your ticket to get high. You make that decision on your own. As long as you're keeping the resentment, your keeping a reservation, and reservations are only made with the intent to use. Do a 4th step hourly if need be. You don't have to use ever again, if you don't want to. Keep coming back, don't use no matter what, hit your knees, keep it simple, this too shall pass, sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes your the bug. Keep your head up and say, "I will not use today." You can do it sister.

~Rayna

[Raynaadi]

PS-Congrats on 5 days. =) You're a hero in my book.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
As long as you're keeping the resentment, your keeping a reservation, and reservations are only made with the intent to use.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I REALLY liked that. Haven't heard it put that way before. Thank you.

em

[BamaSurvivor]

Thanks Rayna and Allan. ((((( both of you )))))

Rayna, I'm doing better. I did do a 4th step and it calmed me down and made me think. As far as today goes, I'm done with using. I have no idea what I'll do tomorrow because it hasn't come up yet. But for today, I refuse to use.

[Raynaadi]

emily, I wish that was my line, lol. I heard it at a speaker meeting, but in a different scenario. It was about keeping alcohol or drugs in the house, that that is a reservation. And if we make a reservation at a hotel, it's only because we plan on staying there. So I kinda converted it to resentments. I thought it was a brilliant analogy. So pass it on =).

Bama I am so proud of you!!!! You sound like the old Bama again! You had me frightened girl! I know you can get out of the fog for good. Like Scarlett O'Hara said, "I'll think about it tomorrow, because tomorrow is another day!" Ah, I love using other people's lines. Not having original thoughts is so much easier, lol! Anyway, enough babbling, I'm feeling silly. I'm just so proud of you. You've taught me a lot through all this. You gave me the opportunity to reach out to another alcoholic, when I needed to do a 12th step. Thank you!!!!

~Rayna

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((bama)))))))))))))))

kd

[BamaSurvivor]

Thank you Rayna... You've been a big inspiration to me and have helped me greatly. I'm grateful you're here to guide me in the right directions when I need pushed.

(((((((( kimmy ))))))))) Thanks!

Well, I've made it through another Saturday night. Had a hospital visit late lastnight due to a medication I was taking, but I'm ok now.

[Raynaadi]

Glad you're ok Bama. I made it through Saturday too, but bored as hell. Miss playing pool and singing karoake. The night was kinda lame and I'm kinda bummed. Beats the hospital though. I'm proud of you!!!!

~Rayna

[mrb020377]

(((((((((((((((((((bama))))))))))))))))

I am so proud of you!!!!! You are doing great!!!!!!

[BamaSurvivor]

Thanks y'all! (((((((((( Rayna and mrb ))))))))))

Understand the boring feeling, Rayna... But with time, you'll develop more friends from your meetings who you can hang out with and do fun stuff with. Wishing you the best sweetie.

As for me. I met a great guy this evening at Wal Mart, of all places. lol I was looking at the cd's and he came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me miss, but would it be any trouble for me to get your name and number?" I said of course, gave it to him and he called within an hour. I spent all night with him laying outside looking at the stars getting to know eachother. I'm on cloud 9 right now. This is a first for me... He kisses me but doesn't even attempt to have sex with me. I felt so respected, it was amazing. Even going to go get him from work tomorrow evening and spend the day with him. w00t!

[mrb020377]

(((((((((((Bama)))))))))))))))))))))

just rememeber: " failuer is not about falling down.......
it's about not getting up again."

[BamaSurvivor]

Absolutely! I've definitely picked myself back up and now that I have someone who encourages me to do good instead of looking down on me, it's made it that much easier. I'm starting to have fun with life again, on lifes own terms... Not a drugs terms.

[mrb020377]

Bama,

I made a post in the social forum and the self esteem forum about a song that has made a major impact on my life. I dont know what kind of music you listen to but the song is called Shadow by Ashlee Simpson...
I have lived under many different shadows.... BUt I have learned that by living for ME not someone or somethign else... I found who I was!!! I have enjoyed my life a lot more... I can be me and know that it is ok!!!!

If you would like I can get the lyrics for you. Just let me know!

(((((((((((((((((((((bama ))))))))))

[BamaSurvivor]

Yes, I've heard the song and the lyrics are so true.

(((((((((( mrb ))))))))))