[ADHDpineapple]

I'm the daughter of a man who has a reoccurring substance abuse problem - primarily heroin. He has two more children of his own (half siblings to myself) and one stepson. My mother had custody of me. I visited my dad and his family every Sunday. We had a strained relationship. I was his first daughter, and 'daddy's girl' in his eyes. I always knew that he knew, when I told him that I loved him, that it always hurt me. I haven't seen him or my siblings in 5 years, due to him moving to another state and relapsing. We keep sporadic phone contact and he says he's clean, but I always expect him to relapse. I feel really sad when I think of my father. I want a relationship, but I can't admit how sad I am without being scared of losing contact with him. I also suck with admitting that stuff. I like to pretend I'm always okay. I just feel so cheated out of having a father when he is a good man and alive, but just not around.

I understand addiction - I struggled with my own during some time at a young age.

These are tough questions I'm going to ask - and I ask because I'd like to understand, because I've had a tough time with this. For years

I wanted to ask - where does a children's love fit into an addiction? Can a child love you enough to make you stop? If a child loved you enough, would you not leave them? Does a parent think of a child when getting high? If you have any of your own stories about being the child of an addicted parent or addicted person with a child, please share I'd just really like to hear some coping skills or other stories on someone who can relate.

[trixielou]

bless your heart with my oldest child i was messed up & her grandma raised her with my 3yr old i struggled but i finally quit there is much guilt & shame like after i would get high & go upstairs & watch her sleeping it was awful my oldest one resents me & is angry becuz im here for Lil but was not for her i can only speak 4 myself i dunno its like i know people with kids who keep gettin high like they dont care but thats looking from the outside i always hear that "it seems like they would stop 4 the kids" the sad reality is addiction is so strong & u have to wanna stop for nothing or noone except yourself if someone just quits for other reasons chances r they will go back. i know what u mean cuz my husband still wont quit drinking but when he has quit before hes a very good dad but being with him so long i can always tell theres that oohhh how i would love to drink i myself didnt have parents who used or drank so i dont know what its like i cant remember if u said u dont know where he is but i guess try writing a detailed from your heart letter that covers all bases just so he knows all your feelings hurt desires write it regardless im not a t or anything just sharing my thoughts i know u have probably got this over & over but have u tried seeing a therapist i know easier said than done cuz its not cheap mine is a Christian t & i dont wanna think about the bill ive racked up with him he cares enuff to not let the money part get the best of him pm me anytime

[madisgram]

i'm sorry you are experiencing these conflicts of emotions.my comments are in red to your questions.

wanted to ask - where does a children's love fit into an addiction? Can a child love you enough to make you stop? NO, but it may help motivate the person to seek help. the addict/alcoholic must want it for themselves. that's the primary way it works to get clean and sober. If a child loved you enough, would you not leave them? not if they are in active addiction. the stinkin' thinkin' causes one to make bad choices. they place their addiction first above all else.Does a parent think of a child when getting high? can't say that was on my mind. i have 2 sons. If you have any of your own stories about being the child of an addicted parent or addicted person with a child one of my sons, 18 at the time, got on his knees, was crying and begged me to stop drinking. i didn't pause from drinking my scotch while he was there. not proud of that today. i'm 20 years sober and each day i'm sober is making amends to him., please share I'd just really like to hear some coping skills or other stories on someone who can relate. i'd like to suggest you go to ACOA, AL-ANON or similar programs affiliated with narcotics anonymous. you will find so much spport and ppl that are dealing with the same feelings as you. just google them to find meetings near you, free for the taking.
hope you'll keep posting. you can get better even if your dad doesn't. i hope he will get better but it's his choice.

[DePressMe]

ADHDpineapple, I can relate to your story and I understand some of your questions. My mom was an addict and she left me when I was about 3 years old. My father was/is a full blown alcoholic. I was raised by alcoholic grand parents and other family members. It was a very abusive and violent childhood. I started using drugs and drinking at a very young age to "cope" with life. I turned out to be a raging alcoholic and drug addict. I've been clean and dry for many years now. I thank my stars that I was able to see my addiction and decided to turn my life around. I have mended fences with my mom--she is my best friend now. However my dad is still an active alcoholic. One time I went over 10 years without seeing him because I was in recovery and it hurt me too much to see him suffer in the bottle. I've only seeen him a couple times in the past 13-14 years. It's just so hard to watch him kill himself. At one point I had a lot of rage about him not being a father to me because of the alcohol. I've let go of my anger towards him and I now have a lot of pity for his life circumstances. Although he really let me down as a father, I know deep in his heart he wanted to be there for me--he wanted to be a good father but the booze kept him from following through on that dream. It still keeps him from me. There is no doubt that I love him but I don't see how I can repair the broken promises while he is still an active alcoholic. I hate the damage alcohol and drugs has done to my family. It seemed like we were doomed from the beginning to fail...drugs and alcohol are powerful especially in child's lives.

[splitimage]

I come from a long line of alcoholics. My gradfather was an alcoholic. My Dad and half his siblings were alcoholics. The other half were Southern Baptists who believed that drinking was a sin (talk about weird family dynamics). I and one other brother (out of 6 kids are alcoholic). Half my cousins are alcoholic. The only real question in my family is are you in recovery or not?.

Growing up, I just took my Dad's and other realtive's drinking as normal. He never got violent, unlike one of my uncles, he mostly got sad after drinking. I think he suffered from PTSD from his experiences serving in WW2 and killing one of his daughters (she would have been my older sister) in a car accident when they were in an emergency evacuation of Angola during the civil war. I just thought it was normal for him to get drunk every night. Other than that he was a good Dad.

Things got really bad though after my Mom died when I was 13. He couldn't cope with her death, and so proceeded to get drunk and stay drunk for 2 years. I coped by denial and burying myself in my music. I was studying piano pretty seriously at the time, so I upped my practicing to 4 hours a day, I also took pretty heavy duty theory courses, music history, and harmony classes. I played in a band, and I volunteered to play piano at seniors homes in my town. Music became my refuge and my salvation. I did resent him for being absent so much.

After 2 years I think he was forced into councilling by his job. He went into grief councilling and got his drinking back under kind of control. He remarried (which is a whole other nightmare for another thread) and restricted his drinking to evenings, but he got drunk every night. When my stepmom went out of town he'd get plastered with one of the neighbours, and I often had to let him into the house because he was too drunk to get the key into the lock. I resented him and loved him at the same time.

I feel like I understand him a lot better now that I'm dealing with my own addiction. I couldn't stop until I was absolutely desperate enough to stop. Not my friends, not my relatives, not even loosing my job, could make me stop. It took landing in hospital and almost dieing during withdrawal to get me to enter rehab, and even there I relapsed. i've struggled with relapse for the last 5 years. Longest period of sober time I've had is 14 months. My addictions Dr. says I just happen to have a particularly severe case of the disease. I'm currently sober and doing my best to stay that way. I pray that I'll never have another relapse, but I can't be certain.

I'd encourage you to go to Al-anon or Narc-anon. You'll find other people dealing with similar issues, and get support.

Hang in there.

--spliitmage

[trixielou]

wow its so comforting to see u guys share your stories splitimage i pray the best 4 u & 4 all of u & your families. i know the pain of not wanting to quit no matter what or who. while my pawpaw was dying of cancer he put up a brave 3 year fight & i chose to stay in my bottle instead of going to see him. i can remember coming home from work & he would be standing on the porch watching me go by & my mom telling me it bothered him hurt him so much that i would just drive by like i didnt care. the truth was i cared sooo much but just wanted to drink into oblivion. looking back now maybe he wouldnt have cared if i went to visit him wreaking of booze he had once told my mom he thought i had the same problem as my brother this was over 10 years ago when my youngest was a baby & it still hurts to know i hurt him & others my oldest didnt get the best treatment by me when she was young but i pray all the time God will heal her wounds i pray i dont ever see my girls get into addiction i see people i went to school with that i guess have been going strong with addiction ever since they started & were so young healthy & fresh in yearbooks but now look like someone has wrung them out like a wet rag not to mention the dark places u go all Glory Praise & Honor be to God im not chained to the bottle or crack pipe anymore!

[ADHDpineapple]

I'd really like to thank all of you for your responses. I don't realize if whomever responded realizes how much this means to me. It's been a lifelong struggle of acceptance, along with realizing how much I am like my own father and how addicted I can become - to anything. My Fiance is also overwhelmed with how much I am taking this into my heart. He's glad to finally see me trying to help myself with my internal issues with my father. I love my Dad so much and I'm just like him-but I resent him as well at times. But I'm overcoming this.

Many of my main sadness comes from the fact that my father left with my sister (my brother too, but he was old enough to fend for himself) as well - who was much like my own daughter (we have a 9 year age difference). When we had no communication, I was fearful for her life. I didn't know what situations she would be put into if they became homeless or anything. I'm upset that my relationship with my sister was sacrificed for his drug usage.

But really - YOUR STORIES AND VIEWS HAVE MEANT THE WORLD TO ME. I feel very blessed for your words, and your courageous openness about darker parts of your lives. My thoughts are with all of you and I hope you all find rest in yourselves. You have very deep rooted strengths.

[trixielou]

sorry for the blurb in the part where i said it was over 10 years ago i meant to say when my oldest was a baby having a 13 & 3 year old i get mixed up sometimes when referring to them. when i did the post about my pawpaw i was also crying which it takes a lot 4 me to cry cuz of high zoloft dosage im on so thats saying something he was basically my dad showing us to fish & all that dont get me wrong i love my dad theres a history of mental illness in his family & hes done best he can he actually lives with me now i love it cuz we r so much alike too i was raised by my mom cuz they got divorced when we were babies i remember feeling so sorry 4 my dad but God has a way of mending things actually its my mom that makes me cringe now cuz shes critical & i finally just started talkin to her only when i have to cuz i dont wanna hear it & dont have to thanks for saying about very deep rooted strengths i needed that there have been people in my life that make me think im useless but we are valuable & special