The Addiction to trying to find the inner child in the wrong way

I put a trigger on this- Due to How I do describe some things I can see some seeing it as Reminiscing the drugs past, as a person that still craves- I can see how it could trigger someone in away...
Just a warning - ok??
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Now I tend to stay away from the addiction form due to it seems like not many understand me and I get upset with no validation on it from others and feeling alone with something that is simi a wound still for me- But i will try again, but this time on more of another subject as well that has drugs intertwined with it.

Here recently I have been thinking partially on inner child and if with drugs at some points in me (besides the addiction to the mental high/physical and break away from reality, etc.), if some where i was trying to find my inner child since I did not have much of a child hood and had to grow up fast and worked basically my childhood and now as adult i do the same.

- And Maybe this does not belong in the addiction section; but I am initially posting it there due to it does have to do with part of addiction that I believe was for me when I was heavy into hard drugs.

I started to think on this when someone mentioned to hug my inner child along with some one mentioned drugs in the same thread which I was thinking all over the place-
With Inner Child Hugging- I have such a hard time imagining things with certain topics- This is one of them.
Some how some of my drug memories came up- and I remembered just having fun, blowing my mind, while on drugs and doing stupid things (not to say the with draws were fun but while ON the drugs). Even ecstasy that has such a high thing of sex attached to it (i never did so I can't say for that) But not everyone is that way- you would not see good old Beauflow kissing and making out getting ready to do whatever,- you would see her under the black light with the glow in the dark paint painting the floor, herself, others around her, and just having fun with it.
Or you may see her outside watching the stars. Or giving and receiving head rubs
I know for some of you - this may seem like I am reminesing in the past of drug use- Perhaps a little but the thing with me is realizing - wait a tic- i did not have the same motivations as others did while on drugs.

Even on cocaine- I just wanted to be numb, free of issues bothering me as an young adult and perhaps the issues that still reside in me today (most diffidently)
Now Meth- i can disagree with inner child searching for me-- well partially- that drug for me was more of the rebellion Teenager-- Tid Bit on me- I followed rules and did what others told me and did not stand up until about 16, and really when I was 17-18. Meth the few things I remember on that for me, was the attitude of - You Push Me- I will push you Back- Don't mess with me Persona Beauflow... TBH Meth I don't remember much and I guess I was really "crazy" on it as in, Talking to myself, talking to imaginary people, and seeing things that others did not (guess it made me slightly schizophrenic if that makes sense) I remember hallucinating transparent people which scared the poo out of me.

But the other drugs- and marijuana I think I can honestly say- I think part of me wanted that "no adult responsibility"/trying to find that inner child as some call it. And the drugs gave me that escape, along to the more deeper escape of issues, that I am trying to deal with these days.

*Frogot to mention these: I am not sure about shrooms and acid-- shrooms possibility but I remember not so happy things on them as well-- But then out of it and discovering everything as new thing in ways- Like a child would i suppose......- Acid was like I went back to a child of not being able to speak but just following people around and being really oblivious of things- and alone, well acid was the one drug that made me think and sort of snap out of it saying- what am I doing- this also talking to a older friend that was an addict to crack, while I was on acid, and having a deep convo with him about how many issues he has contributed to his drug use.... But that was also towards to end of my rein of drugs.

I just was pondering on that- -- has anyone else..

the sad part is I have a mixture of music and some of it i use to listen to when messed up (I have friends that were addicts with me that can not listen to the songs at all- I only get that some days, A lot of days It can pop up a memory and I get all happy, but realize that life is chaotic-- Guess today I was trying to find the meaning of why I get so happy, why i am not like my past drug addict friends of not able to listen, but at times it just makes me feel better).... perhaps I did not attach such a drug reference as they did with the music, and just still enjoy the music? But that is beside the point here I guess.... sorry for getting off the topic.

But trying to find a inner child through drugs- does any one think that may be possible for some-- here recently i have been thinking on that; and I do believe it is not a very good way to try to do that, (incase any of the wonders that mis read my words wonder that) to just clarify.

I am not sure about any others, but I also intentionally tried to over dose several times on drugs-- Did not get the job done, but I tried; some times I wonder if this deep down inside me of not finding that inner child or not doing it the right way and just damaging myself more with addiction, PLUS THE DESTRUCTIVE LIFE and in ways re-traumatizing me with some of the emotional relationships with friends and family while on drugs; all had to intertwine with that.

I just thought I would share- I will try hard not to take it personally if no one else understands-

Be well all and have a wonderful growing experience.

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Also I wanted to add-- the child thing with out the intoxication. I have been trying over the years to do things that may hit this for me. My boyfriend and I can be like kids at times, I am blessed to have someone to be silly with.
Also I do try to still do creative things like art (from painting to this tissue project with glossy medium that i do that is awesome), and as I mentioned in the things I did right the other day- I made some jewelery one was a very kiddish/teenager thing with bright pink stars and cool blue and black beads, and the other more mellow colors that I could wear at work.
BUT after all this is not hugging my inner child and saying things are ok-- but I think perhaps it does help with the inner child stuff... maybe?

beauflow i'm not real learned about the inner child topic. i know some years ago it was discussed in the psychological community. if your quest re that helps you to seek answers or know yourself better i'm happy for you.
as for wanting to better understand who you are and exploring room for personal growth i do this too. i've never regretted learning to know myself better...and the cause and effect. and for me with this knowledge i have had desires to change. i think it's great you are doing that for yourself.

would like to share with you some of my thoughts on addiction. please keep in mind these are merely my thoughts. beauflow, a classic reason to abuse drugs/alcohol is wanting to escape reality and become numb of feelings, imo.
i certainly know i have not the right to tell you your different motivations for using but i've known many active or recovering addicts that had/have the same feelings/motivations as you stated previously, me included in my active addiction. those of us in recovery have different triggers and for them perhaps it's a trigger and what we might call reminiscing or romancing our past addiction. it can set in motion the thoughts of returning to that life particularly in early sobriety.
for me, i'm glad you shared in this forum. perhaps someone else, as i have identified in my past, can understand your viewpoint too. hope you'll keep posting here.

Thank you Madigram for reading-- I am sorry if some times I get short with some things- but I do appreciate your input with a lot.

Yeah I do understand what you are saying and I thought I covered the over all "general" (I hate to say general for this but it is the best word I can think of) for addiction in my first little blurb

About the motivations, It is just I saw so many people that I was around, especially with extacy, just go for the motivation of feel good and sex-- TBH the sex thing there was not my thing with "x"- it was that it was fakeness with what i felt (the escape from reality/fake happiness), and in ways being a child again.. I had not finger painted since kinder garden in a class... and I was there doing it as a 18 year old..

I just have to wonder if the feeling of some what being a kid again at times while being on hard drugs; if I was not trying to be a child in some ways.... if that makes any since.... but in a very bad way.

Perhaps inner child is the wrong description for this. I know I have read and even witness a little with people that don't have childhoods - they simi do things as an adult that a child or adult would-- I think that is try to re-capture or to re-do it in some ways but I am not sure.

For example one of my sisters--- I remember she turned 30 (perhaps a mid life crises thing but idk) but she had to basically play Mommy role at 9 years old with me, she took care of me and all- she was rebellious when she was 16 but by 18 she was having a baby of her own and 3 more after that, and she is still a mom with growing kids-- but I remember she tried shrooms for the first time in her 30's and started to smoke pot-- I remember thinking to myself that she is a good mom and person, but she never got to have a child hood in a lot of ways and maybe in some ways she is trying to make up for that later in life-- In her mid 20's she would go out to bars and stuff but when she told me about the shrooms and pot- - she was never an addict like me as a young teenager or in her 20's. and she is well aware that the stuff is dangerous- it just got me to think

My mother can be taken for example as well- She was 16; she did not have a great childhood on what little she shared with me one time; and through out her life as a mother and even to what I hear to this day- she will splurge not take responsibility and even she in her 40's "poked some smot" with me when she would complain about my addiction at the time with things. Again my mother did not have addiction to illegal drugs I will say- Maybe prescription and she was an alcoholic.

I'm not sure if what I am trying to explain is very well--

I just some times have to wonder if drugs also gave a way to "allow myself to be a child" at times-- I mean if I can think back on some memories with weed-- geez yeah - Children we (friends and myself) were smoking and laughing and saying what we used to say.. It like allowed us to be silly.

I see what you are saying about the music- Music is very brain impression, and with some it could be just a trigger--- and perhaps with myself too but I am self aware as I mentioned above- the life is very chaotic.

I am sorry if this is off the topic: but it could be why some of my friends can't listen to the music and I can-
I am sorry as well that my views on my drug addiction are not all bad-- I kind of refuse in ways to see it as all bad due to mostly I learned a lot on drugs (I know it deteriorates and messes with your mind but some things I did see in different perceptions which in ways have helped and others has damaged), and the after effect with getting cleaned up from drugs--

I am by no means saying people should do drugs - I just say It is a fact of my life- I did it, went through it... now what did I learn, and what can I take away form this- if anything good away-and if any thing bad. And I can... Not to say I will go back due to as I said- it is a very chaotic and now even with out drugs, i feel chaotic to which I hate and brings to me edges that I don't like. Also for me - Drugs are a major escape route for me when things get tight- As I mentioned a while back when I first signed up- that some times I miss that, and i believed you suggested AA, or NA, to help with cravings at some times -- I try best to talk to my boyfriend (he is a form of support group- he has been clean for 10+ years and has done similar things as me) He reminds me that this drug world is an illusion and chaos- and I agree... It helps- I think that would be similar as a group- but the anxiety to go in with other people and actually share and fear with judgement is something that i fear.... and have yet to conquer so I do what i can right now.

I talked to my other sister on a talk group one time, she mentioned she thought at times to go to an eaters anonymous (my other sister has never touched a drug, she eats to escape and does understand a bit with addiction but in a different form)... And she too said as I think you try to say- It is good to talk to others that have the same struggle- due to it some how provides some strength in you that you are not the only one, and you are doing what you can do for the best and they maybe able to give some pointers as well... that is the great things about groups- different minds

now that is really off the subject and I am sorry....

I too find music and drugs as a vice, always have ...I have a substance abuse issue. I have a very adult grown up job and am good at what I do, but at home I'm like another person.... I tell myself its my inner child who is the addict and if I don't give her time to play, she causes work me issues. It's like literally I can argue with myself when it comes to choices or behaviors related to substances. I didn't have much of a childhood either. I think I relate to what your saying. But I've been doing this for 23 years, and you seem younger and I wish someone would have stopped me from the drug/alcohol life years ago, but now I have to do it for me. The inner child thing , although partially true is no more then an excuse to continue my behavior. It never just goes away. Good luck on your journey.

LolaCabanna-- Thank you.

Yeah I am a little older than you having been doing what you have been doing.

I hope you have the strength to do what you need to do for yourself as well. and thank you for posting on this.

beauflow i forgot one thing so doubledipping...
it's suggested by professionals that the age we begin to abuse drugs or alcohol stunts our emotional growth. meaning say i started at 14. my emotional growth would be curtailed at 14 even tho-i wish-i might be 30.
can't tell you how many ppl i know who get clean/sober have this phenomenon. i recall thinking in early sobriety oh darn i've got to grow up to be able to stay sober. i didn't know if i could do it!!
my post here may be off topic, idk, but thought i'd share that info in case it may help.

Madisgram you are fine to put that here - Perhaps that is part of it as well-- I think my topic is vague though or it has too much put into it- I think even I am confused on it

My dad use to always say that (that you are stuck in the mind set of the age that you started drug use; ie. the emotional growth as you are saying) to me and my one brother-- I do find it true too as well-

- though I get confused at times with myself; for I did not start heavy into drugs till 17 or 18 and yet at times I feel younger than that at times- like 12 or 13 or even dare say a child that may have to do with something else though or Intertwined with the past drug abuse and ptsd but idk. Or maybe just the fact that I was not allowed to go out (very sheltered childhood and teenager years due to mom) but idk, I know that had to put an effect on me as well and perhaps I was not a "regular" kid of the ages..

I felt more confident at 17 than I do at 25 though (that is not something that stuck around)- that is something that I miss, for I had to build that from about 14-17 and now have lost it; and realize I messed up with what happened around 20-22 really took a blow to me and the heavy drug use I don't think helped at all-

sigh-- I know it is hard to keep the kid at bay with wants, it is severally hard, but I think I can tell my kid self- go play with paint instead