alcohol...C2H5OH

...so what is the attraction?
what makes a person an alcoholic?....it's a pretty random combination of chemicals to like?!
but there it is.
I was thinking about it for days and my multi personality was in fine form yesterday in particular. ( it's involuntarily in fine form most days)
the real me is deep inside buried and tormented by unusual ideas of itself!

so I watch tv right!...most people watch tv...I have seen on tv ...people in places that are so remote yet they have a tv?...who knows maybe they watch me being amazed at their tv...on their tv?

anyway I hate movies these days but my video store is right beside the bottle shop...I got a movie last night (some american crap...sorry but yeh)
parked right out front!...something to watch instead of tv....as I pulled up
I uttered a few words of the cynical sober alcoholic about the crowds of pissheads circulating the place. hovering like thirsty big dumb birds .

how cunning is the drink?...and I need no rewards for any sober time...I know what goes on and if I am suddenly despicable for weakness then I can assure you I will sentence myself to a suitable punishment.

...but from experience I believe that it is important that I do not condemn myself and even more importantly than heaps important ...not to panic!!

so a boy had a drink. My battles run deeper than a stupid drink.

I must trust what I am doing right now.

and I am sorry to those who are relying on people like me! (lifetime substance abusers of the most extreme kind....be it a powder a plant a liquid a solid a ....whatever it might be..whatever altered my mind)
I apologise to those that rely on people like me for nothing. because the crap I have been through!

I really should be an inspiration if anything. ( watch the justification in action!)

I got weak tonight and I waited three days and I had my drink. I paid my bills...I did my washing...my dishes and shopping ..I kept my ******** to myself.

I cared...I worried enough...I am ok. I am 40 I am a big boy now...I will manage....when I am done.

well i for one feel you are a great guy, DM. ok you fell off the truck/horse, etc. you can start over again. no need to beat yourself up, friend. always here for you.you deserve all the good things in life. those of us with some form of MI struggle staying sober. we have a tendancy to self medicate. but we can overcome our challenges. and we care about you here at pc. you've made a lot of progress already. hope you will remember that and so glad you posted. that's a high degree of honesty.

the most reliable defense....madisgram!...

the best ...

the most reliable defense in life ....

is being honest!

yes indeed....
(now this is not an excuse to lie!)

I have nothing to hide from anybody.
james.

this helps me to know....thankyou madisgram....x

....this is the most boring relapse comment of all time!

No it's not.

such a simple reply...so audacious and complete.

the ultimate mental tonic for a depraved individual!!

thankyou Ygrec

DM - as one monkey to another - I appreciate every one of your written thoughts here!

Please don't beat yourself up. I am also struggling. It's been a long time since I managed even one day of sobriety. Yet, I keep trying and I truly believe that as long as I keep trying (even if it only lasts a few hours) - then I am not a failure or a loser and I don't need to beat myself up.

I keep coming in here because I know that the experiences of others adds bits of thoughts into my brain and heart. I truly believe that the day will come where all those bits come together and I will succeed in this battle.

And thank God for Madisgram and all of the time she spends here cheering us on, lifting us up, reminding us that it can happen for us too.

yes I agree with you caretaker....please forgive me because I can be strong...I do not want to dis-hearten you... I am a very tough nut to crack. I adore you...just quietly in my own little monkey way...and I also adore madi in my own little monkey way!

I slipped....and I will return....you encourage me and I will in turn encourage you.

I am sooo sorry I let all the people on this thread down....

but the monkey the good monkey...james he never gives up.

NEVER

It's impossible to know when the day will be that the miracle will happen and the drink will go down and the person will rise up from the ashes. Some people hit that spot all at once and they "get it". Many, Many more take months, days, years of battle with the bottle to surrender and raise the white flag for good.

For me, It took 3 years of fighting, trying, drinking, doping, and doing it all over agian until finally alcohol beat me into a pulp and I waived the white flag and said enough. I finally knew I was gonna die. Really die. Not spiritually die or die over time, or have some long term drawn out death. I was going die with the very next drink. It was fact. Beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Before I knew that in my heart, mind, body and soul I would never have stopped and stayed stopped.

I love your honesty and the way you keep coming back here and sharing. I need you as you help me stay sober each day.

You are a wonderful example to me of how to keep fighting and trying and not giving up.

Thank you for sharing the ups and downs.

[QUOTE][I had my drink. I paid my bills...I did my washing...my dishes and shopping ../QUOTE]

Fast forward to your 6th month of drinking again - will you be able to fulfill these responsibilities?

I will not give up!

I cannot...I wont

[quote=notz;2201420] ..a precise reality check Notz.....thankyou.

I do not forget the upper cuts!...xo

Do you feel I wronged you?

Does this really mean that you thought about it, had a drink, survived, have kept on drinking & plan to do so till you stop--& will deal with stuff then?

Wow. I hope it's just late & I'm tired. Falling off the wagon is one thing, but to sound so doe-se-doe about it? What's up? Am I mis-reading you?

I probably do sound just like you think I do roadrunner.

not at all notz.

roadrunner....you ask a good question ....and yet I am glad I am merely doe-se-doe. it's like the formidable back-up plan during a crisis.

as paramedics put a blanket on shock victims....it's not to warm them up....if anything it's not good to re-heat a shock victim..

it's a comfort thing.

I must 'play down' a relapse, observe it.....
amuse myself perhaps by it.
not panic
not fall apart
not be a shock victim

I have been here before except it is new....

it's uncomfortable to be in crisis mode but you can plan to not succumb to the drink as a solution. once one decides to stop drinking again, i hope they do, the crisis will still be there awaiting us. a suggestion-think before you drink. reach out for help instead of reaching out for the drink.

Chemically speaking (C2H5OH?) I think it has more to do with the GABA in the brain that alcohol interacts with. I don't know why something is called an agonist - it sounds painful - when it supports the role of something like a neurotransmitter. Alcohol is not the only GABA agonist. They don't all work in different ways. I think baclofen is another GABA agonist that is prescribed for anxiety, an see what Wikipedia has to say about it?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baclofen

It inhibits cravings for alcohol, even ....

....I stopped

.....I started again