[Rose76]

I have a history of alcohol abuse during times of extreme stress. Those were isolated episodes. I never used alcohol consistently. Usually I'ld figure what I needed to do to get myself out of very stressful circumstances. Then I really wouldn't have that much interest in alcohol. I've suffered from recurring depression all my life. When I'm severely depressed, I have no interest in drinking. It was in times of bad anxiety that I would drink. It's been years since I drank excessively. Now I'm starting to have chronic pain related to compressed discs in my spine. Suddenly I'm thinking I want to have alcohol available.

I grew up in a drinking family. Frequent alcohol use seemed normal. Occasional heavy abuse didn't seem strange to me. I think that may be why it occurs to me to think of alcohol as a way of escaping pain.

My pain med was suddenly stopped, due to new laws, according to my doctor. He said I can't get pain med (Vicodin) until I stop taking sleep med (a benzo.) I was taking both for past 3 months. Lots of people deal with way worse pain than I have. Doing chores around the house can set off painful muscle spasms in my neck. I have extreme anxiety fearing these muscle spasms and fearing further degeneration of my spine.

With having my pain med stopped, I feel trapped like a rat in a cage. I am starting to feel extremely stressed. I don't see a way I can control what's happening to my spine. Losing control seems to be what becomes intolerable to me in how it feels. I always could use my mind to figure a way out of a bad spot. Now I feel like my mind can't help me. Two days ago, I drank a bottle of wine by myself (750ml.) That is far from normal for me.

My parents drank for years without becoming alcoholics - IMO. My father never really crossed over into alcoholism. He was always very in control. So was my mother, until later in life. Quite late in life, my mother began drinking abnormally. I think that could happen to me. I want so bad to escape from depression, anxiety and pain.

Lately, I feel in despair. I live alone and I feel isolated. I am shy of venturing out amongst people. It used to be that either school or work kept me in contact with people. I no longer work. I hate to open my door even to go to the mailbox. It's like I am hiding, but, at the same time, I want to escape. Suddenly, I am interested in drinking to try and not feel bad.

Anyone ever go through this?

[Leed]

Rose, I'm a recovering alcoholic. He CANNOT just stop you abruptly from taking a benzo AND the vicodin!!! He needs to WEAN you off especially the benzo!!! Is he some kind of a nut or something? Does he know of your past abuse of alcohol? He should know, because then he'd know how you could easily become addicted to either the vicodin or the benzo.

You need to talk to him about weaning yiou off these drugs. Stopping you abruptly could cause seizures (especially with the benzo) or other severe withdrawal problems. I would think he would be more compassionate than he is!!! Call your doctor -- tell him you need a WEANING schedule and enough drugs to do the trick. Tell him you cannot abruptly stop these meds! If he won't give these to you, I would report him to the Board of Licensiing in your state, and tell them what went on. Tell them he got you addicted to these, and then wouldn't give you a weaning schedule to get off.!!!

If you have to do this yourself, you should have someone with you at all times, and take BENADRYL, along with drinking lots of liquids, to flush this stuff out of you.

Let us know how things go, ok? Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

PS --- Yes, I've withdrawn from worse things than Vicodin & the benzo. It's not much fun, but I did it. I felt "better" in about 2-3 days, but it lasted about a week.

[Rose76]

Thank you, Lee. My PCP who wants to play amateur psychiatrist is gone for 2 weeks. I thought so highly of him. He is the one who told me to apply for SSDI, which I got approved for. I only got one check so far. But, already, I feel like a leech on society.

My PCP doctor is not someone to be put on the pedestal that I had put him on. He gave me a prescription for a lower doze of temazepam. It was for 15 capsules. I can not get off temazepam in 15 days. The next day, my psychiatrist told me it would probably take months to wean off it. That might be overstating the problem. Benso's never helped me much. But once I get used to being on one, it is very hard for me if I stop it suddenly. I get what I call "the hee-bee-gee-bee's." It's like bugs running around inside of my thighs. I can't sit still. I go in and out of a tub of warm water. It's horrible. I've told my boyfriend that I would commit suicide, rather than go through that for an extended period of time. When I've gone through it, the reason was simply that I didn't get a refill, or failed to go to the doctor for a script. No doctor ever forced me into withdrawal.

I know nothing about street drugs and I have never been habituated to alcohol. But when I had the "hee-bee-gee-bees," I've thought to myself, and told my s/o that I would try and score anything (on the street) that would stop the withdrawal, if I couldn't get a prescription. I also found that drinking alcohol - for me - does not stop the withdrawal discomfort of abruptly stopping benzo's. So I always got the benzo and told myself not to let it happen again.

I am very sensitive to benzo's. Most of my adult life I've taken just Librium 20mg each eve to help me sleep. (I have a very hard time falling asleep.) But I went through a horror show of anguish just when I would run out of the Librium. I know I can taper off it because I've done so in the past.

I never asked for the benzo I am now on. A pdoc put me on Restoril (temazepam) 60mg each eve. That is a very high dose. He was nuts to order that. It would knock me out like a sledge hammer. I, myself, cut it in half to 30mg and had no withdrawal problems. I have to second guess them all the time. I can't trust them to know what is the prudent thing to do. I am alone with no family. My s/o can barely cope with his own life - never mind advocate for me. He is really my ex-boyfriend, but I don't have the heart to just leave him unsupported. He is elderly and frail.

I have made a mess of my life. Somehow, I will get it together.

[xara_beth]

Oh, yes. Self medication with depressants feeds a vicious cycle. It dulls the pain, but when they start to wear off, say, a few hours into being drunk or coming off of a heroin high, levels of dopamine in your brain are so low that it's just a whole new world of pain and you have to keep taking more to make it bearable. I've used both to try and ease the hurt only to have it come back twice as bad. That being said... are you sure your doctor knew what he was doing when he put you on a benzo? I'm no doctor, but putting a depressed person on downers seems like a very sketchy idea.

I'm sorry you feel alone... If you ever need someone to talk to about this stuff, feel free to message me. No one should be completely without support when they're really depressed.

[perseverance11]

Hello Rose76,

You seem to be depressed and you want to drink beer to forget all your pain, is that right?

Drinking alcohol will maybe be good at a short range, but in a long range, it will not be good for your health. Talk to someone near of you before doing that.

If you feel alone, feel free to message me if you need to talk, I will not judge you and I will be listening to you.

I wish you the best!

[Leed]

Me again. Another thing is since you're sensitive to drugs, etc., you have an addictive personality like many of us. Using alcohol would just add another addictive substance to the list, and it' very possible you'd fiind yourself addicted to that too. You could cross that invisible like into alcoholism, and THEN what a problem you'd have!!! So PLEASE don't use alcohol to try to ease the problem of withdrawal or ease ANYTHING. That's our problem --- we used alcohol to hide from the pain, and look where it got US!!!

Stay away from the alcohol Rose. It's a big problem sweetie. Hugs, Lee

[tokiwartooth]

I can sympathize with you. I drank and took painkillers as well. I used to go to work at my old job and put them in an old antibiotic bottle and go to the back and pop two at a time. I'd be so high that nothing upset me. Then when I couldn't get vicodin anymore, I tried tramadol, but that did nothing for me. So I turned to booze. I drank before, but now that I didn't have pills, I drank much more. I hid my booze in weird places, like in my bathroom under the towels in the cabinet. I'd go out to eat with friends and I'd be drunk before they even arrived to get me. That is a super hard thing to stop. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, and this was my way of coping. I'd be at the bar at 2 or 3 in the afternoon, sometimes before work. I finally scared myself enough that I knew I had to stop. I drank so much one night that when I started to come down off of it, my body started shaking, full body tremors, and my heart was going wild. I thought I was going to die. But I just laid back down in bed and said if it's going to happen, let it happen. But I didn't die. And the next day I called the AA hotline. I'm thinking of starting NA too. My family members that I live with have to hide their pain meds from me. That's really bad. Taking one vicodin now hardly phases me. I need to take higher dosages for it to affect me. I know how it feels to self medicate with alcohol and drugs.

[Rose76]

The day after seeing the PCP doctor, I saw my psychiatrist. He said that he expected it would take months to a year for me to be weaned off of Temazempam, my sleep med. (I take 30mg.) So he recommended I ask my regular doctor for Tramadol. Maybe for me that would help. IDK - never tried it. Well, I called my regular doctor, but he had just left for 2 weeks or being away. So I've just continued to take the Sleep med. I waited 10 days before even filling the prescription for Vicodin. Then I did fill it. I've taken 3 tablets over the past week.

Today I got a call from my PCP doctor's assistant. She said the doctor was back and got the message I left about what the pdoc said. She told me he says that I should not take any Vicodin, until I am completely off the Temazepam. I don't know how much of this he is required by law to do, or what is his honest judgement.

My house had gotten messy. Tonight, after taking a Vicodin, I was able to pick up the place. I am very inhibited from doing a lot of things by the constant nagging achiness of my neck.

I understand that throwing alcohol into the mix could just add to my miseries. Thank you, xara_beth, for mentioning about the dopamine. I will read more about that. I do get influenced by good information. (Well, sometimes, at least.) There really was no need for me to be put on increasing doses of benzos. I didn't ask for them. It was their idea.

Thank you, perseverance, I appreciate the support. I do have to think about long term effects. That is hard for me to care about when I am depressed.

Thank you,Lee, I found in the past that alcohol didn't help when I was experiencing withdrawal from a benzodiazepine. I was only taking 20 mg of Librium, but I was used to that every eve. 10 days after running out of the med, I came down with what I call the "hee-bee-jee-bees." I would have been suicidal, if I did not go back on the med. It was like bugs running around inside my legs and arms and intense restlessness. I think I might be prone to hard withdrawal, which I think is why my pdoc wants to take me off the Temazepam slower. I guess the word to remember with alcohol is "insidious." I've had so many relatives who got over-involved with alcohol.

Thanks, tokiwartooth, you have been through a lot. I don't believe I'ld be strong enough to come out of that. I'm glad you did call AA. I hope you continue to recover. I honestly think the lure of pain killers can be stronger than the appeal of anything else. Well, obviously, there are differences among individuals, in what holds the most appeal. But I am very afraid of pain. My neck is not what I would call severely painful. Basically, I don't do anything that I know sets it off. In the past year and a half, I've gotten progressively more willing to just stay in my recliner and watch TV.

I know that lots of people with a lot more pain that I've experienced get up every day and do all kinds of things. For me, pain is intensely demoralizing. I just lose any interest in doing anything that is causing me to feel bad. The Vicodin allows me to feel "normal." That seems to be my biggest issue. I am having trouble accepting that, with age, comes aches and pains, and I will never feel like I used to when I was younger.

There is a lot of unhappiness in my life. I think that is making this harder to accept. I get in despair, thinking that all life holds for me, down the road, is increasing pain.

I am very afraid of getting over-involved with Vicodin. Today, after the doctor told me not to use the Vicodin, the first thing I thought of was that I better make sure I keep beer and wine around. Maybe the doctors could have handled this better. I think the laws are changing, and they are scrambling to be in compliance.

[tokiwartooth]

I'm in constant pain, mainly my foot, but also severe TMJ. I have a fallen arch, plantar fascitis and tendonitis in my right foot. It is agonizing. My jaw will hurt so bad sometimes that I literally cannot eat anything hard. I have to work my jaw out in the morning because it will be so tightened up that I can hardly open it. But the pain meds weren't just for that. I loved the way they made me feel. For a little while my depression turned into euphoria. And the booze made me giddy, everything was fun. It's pretty bad when you have to crawl up your stairs because you can't walk. Literally, cannot stand up. I don't always go to AA meetings like I should, but I do occasionally and I have a pretty good support network. That doesn't mean that I don't think about it all the freaking time though. I have dreams where I'm guzzling as much as I can. But like they say in AA, take everything day to day.

[Rose76]

tokiwartooth, I'm sorry you have to endure so much pain. I have arthritis in my right foot. I minimize pain by minimizing walking. Around my apartment is okay. Things like squatting, which seems to be necessary to keep up with housework, are hard. But, other than go to the store for groceries, I just don't go for walks anymore. For me it's not as intense a pain as your's is. I avoid the pain by doing so much less. The sadness is from feeling hobbled from doing what used to be natural.

I'm glad you have a support network. I haven't put a lot of effort into getting that. I kind of don't know where to go. I'm introverted and I just don't make friends easily. It is painful to go to support meetings and feel like an outsider. I know people say, "Oh, everyone feels like that in the beginning." It just goes on and on for me, and I feel like a fool.

Still, you are doping with hard problems. I know what you mean about pain pills turning depression into euphoria. I've experienced that lift. It seemed great and helped me get more stuff done - like cleaning house and going through mail. That's why I don't take the vicodin very often. I'm afraid it will become a crutch. Then the doctors will cut me off and I'll be in worse shape.

I have a friend here with me since Monday afternoon. He's annoyed that I haven't been cooking that much. He's bored here and didn't like what I made for supper this eve. Tomorrow he will go home, and I will be glad. I'm heartbroken at how we've drifted apart, largely do to failing health on both our parts. I wish he could love me like he used to. Now, I think a lot of what used to seem like love was just him fulfilling his sex needs. He was always good-natured. I just think I overestimated what he really thought of me. That hurts a lot.

I hope you do get to an AA meeting soon that makes you feel like you have a place to be a part of a group that is caring.

[Rose76]

Yesterday, I drank a couple of glasses of wine with something to eat. A few hours later, when it had worn off, I became extremely depressed.

After hours of crying and being in despair, I took a pain medication. I didn't take it for physical pain. I took it because it sometimes reduces depression. That takes about 3 hours to happen. Last evening, it took 4 hours. It did help a lot. Also, I woke up feeling a lot better today. I believe I can cope with going out of the house.

I know I am crossing over the line into misuse of things to try and feel relief. I felt so bad yesterday that I would rather be dead than feel that way. I don't mean that to imply that I am having any suicidal tendencies. I am not. I have no history of that. The problem is despair. It became so bad yesterday that I couldn't stand it and wanted anything that could relieve it. So I took the Vicodin for mental pain. I'm glad it worked. I don't want to make that a habit. If I did, eventually it wouldn't work.

I do not trust my doctors. I feel I have to figure it out alone. Yesterday, I was desperate. I feel better today. It's because I took the hydrocodone. I will eat, get dressed, and go out to do some errands.

I don't have a history of drug abuse. I'm very used to having bouts of bad depression. They are getting too bad to endure. Now my main concern is relieving the extreme distress that comes sometimes. That's how it was, yesterday. I found something that helped. I was glad it did. There is a risk that this could become a bad habit, and I know that could lead to bad distress, also.

Part of what seems to be overwhelming me is that I have no good friends to turn to for support or understanding. I do have some people in my life who have pretty serious problems, themselves. They come to me for help, and I just feel I can not continue to be involved with them, when I feel this bad, myself.

I thought that being alone was my biggest problem. It is not ideal to be alone. However, I seem to be getting more distressed when I am with any of the few people I do know who bring their problems to my door, or call me with their problems. I think I want to put kind of a wall up. Thank God, I live alone.

Just a little while ago today, I got a call from an old co-worker who is retired and recovering from heart surgery. She is lonely. She's a good person whom I respect. Still, it becomes stressful for me when she wants to do a lot of talking and not so much listening. I listened for a while, then told her that I have to go make lunch.

It's cold in my apartment and the there is no heat yet. I can get under a heating blanket to get warm. I guess I'll do that now. I feel so relieved to not be in the despair I was in yesterday.

I need to go to the library and get out some books to read. Watching TV is getting to stressful. I think I will make a decision to not turn on the TV today, at all. Also, if anyone calls me, or I run into anyone who wants to tell me about their problems, I will have to cut it short and say I have things I need to attend to. I need to take care of myself.

Right now I just have to get warm. I should bring in the electric space heater that I have in a storage closet. It's only 55 degrees outside and only 64 degrees inside my place.

I have to protect myself from negative influences. This is kind of rambling and maybe off the original topic. It does help to put my thoughts down somewhere.