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#1
Apr 16, 2009, 01:35 PM
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One of my friends and I were discussing our addictions and addictive personalities and how hard it is to deal with it...
When we were talking about addictions, something that popped to mind was the idea of primary vs. secondary addictions. Like the typical example which immediately comes to mind... alcohol. A person addicted to alcohol may switch addictions, to something like smoking. But sometimes a person can be addicted to more than one thing at the same time... I'm having a hard time figuring out what my BASIC addiction is at the heart of everything. I mean, I gave up alcohol back in July. It wasn't hard. I gave up self-injury over two years ago, and that was harder. I am physiologically and psychologically addicted to caffeine, but I don't find it to be an issue since it's only present for 8 months a year (when I'm in school). lol. I've got codependent tendencies, as in I'm a BIG people pleaser. My life revolves around making others happy with me. I'm addicted to Facebook (I wish I was kidding since it's a running joke in my age population... but for me, I am addicted. So I'm locked out of it - literally - until my friend gives me the password in May). I'm addicted to being on my computer... it's a routine, but it's such an integral part of it that it's addictive. I go through withdrawal without access to a computer within 48 hours. I have control issues with stuff. I've got eating related issues ... you could say I'm addicted to controlling things. I have a major issue with control and change. I loathe change. I'm able to change if it's familiar to a degree, but the unknown and change - do not mix in my books. I guess I'm just at the point where I realize that if I don't change - then I'm essentially doomed. But it's getting to the point where my life is completely unmanageable and I admit it to myself that's hard. I don't WANT to hit rock bottom and ruin my life in some way. That prospect scares me. I don't want to be harmed as a result of my addictions. I don't want my addictions to kill me. I guess I'm just fortunate that I stayed away from drugs and smoking and other addictive substances because if I hadn't ... I'd be in deep trouble by now. I'm trying to figure out the root of my addictive personality. What caused it. Where it comes from, where it has originated from in my past, both life and experiences. I think my primary addiction is to self-deprecation and to codependency. But I'm not sure... has anyone else heard of this distinction in terms of addictions before? I'm looking into CODA, ACOA, Al-Anon and other 12 step groups another day. I gave AA a shot and it doesn't seem right to me.
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 Anonymous37904
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#2
Apr 16, 2009, 01:48 PM
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It sounds to me like you have more control issues rather than addictions. Wanting things to stay the same/routines, etc. I don't see them as addictions.
For me, being controlling is something that comes from "me" and my life rather than an addiction that comes from the outside. That's why I don't particularly feel computer solitaire, internet use, online sites, etc. are "addicting" as there's no "substance" there to addict one like there is with drugs, smoking, drinking, etc. Things that are "inside-out"-oriented aren't addictions to me but habits and defenses that I used therapy to work on.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
 Christina86
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#3
Apr 17, 2009, 11:44 AM
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Hey Christina! I think this is a pretty interesting thread.
I'm just now learning about addictions and addictive personalities so I don't have much to add, but you've really got me thinking about stuff. I used to smoke lots and lots of weed, but when that was no longer an option I started taking a lot of Benadryls. Whenever alcohol is available I binge drink, but once it's gone I'm over it as long as I have Benadryl handy. It's sort of like I have to have something or I can't function. It's the same way with all my addictions, whether it's self harm, drugs/alcohol, a certain food, playstation games or whatever. If I stop doing one, I replace it with something else. That's so weird! I hope a few more people respond to your thread and provide some insight.
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 " I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence. The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth. Please don't tell me that we had that conversation, 'Cause I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use? Aahh, the night is calling, and it whispers to me softly, "Come and play". Aahh, I am falling, and if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame. I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me, but why do I feel this party's over? No pain, inside, you're like perfection, but how do I feel this good sober?" (From the song "Sober", by Pink)
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| Christina86
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#4
Apr 17, 2009, 04:45 PM
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Perhaps you could try directing the addictive/obsessive tendancies into something productive, I know someone who is "addicted" or "obsessive" about buying and renovating houses and getting respect through their work, starting from nothing, they're now rich. Achieving a lot helping others may be more your style.
It seems like there's a remote chance you have a hint of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder rather than addiction, this involves proccupation with orderliness, perfectionism and control (everyone has at least a hint of some personality disorder, it's not strange). A little of this is a good thing, especially in this world where there is so much mess. |
| Christina86
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#5
Apr 23, 2009, 02:26 PM
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I was addicted to meth then whn I quit that, i started smoking alot of pot. Well quit that then it was caffiene and sugar and pain pills. I always heard of ppl trading one addiction for another.
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Dx: PTSD, Panic Disorder, Obsessive Personality Disorder. A Do Da Quantkeeah A-da-nv-do |
| Christina86
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#6
Apr 23, 2009, 03:17 PM
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coming down descending on me like a grey fog, jaw tightening and brain's ache'n.. ohshittson. what'll surface THIS time..? this minute is gifting me with momentary clarity at this moment i have a choice to stop the familiar 'foreplay'. it brings a distraction that plays me, enticing me to "click to enter"..
i would naturally go there although i KNow how it ends. something inside me DOES like the chaos and pain need2 keep and covet it, stash it, love it get into a bikini and ROLL in it! ALL covered in mud MyNameIsMudd it is always the same ol song and dance, sans music -cruel. whispers delicious LIES - i believe everyONE of 'em they're mine, i made them, they are me doubt pours over me, soaking it like a vampire feeding hungrily, black water fills my lungs as i sink into TheNothing the hunt starting all over again, look'n for 'love' in all the wrong places f*#^ed and not kiss'd.. that's ok w/ me cause any 'touch' is the substitute for numb |
| Christina86, wadingthruemotions
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#7
Apr 23, 2009, 04:30 PM
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Uh... okay?
 Quote:
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#8
Apr 23, 2009, 04:45 PM
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Quote:
2. Big people pleaser...guilty here too 3. Facebook...this was actually covered as a growing issue psychologist are seeing on CNN today. I'm personally having the same issue HERE. I've joked about it but I'm seriously feeling addicted to this site  4. Control- Yes I can be a big control freak . This is a component in why I like coaching sports, why when I do work it's usually with some degree of either authority or autonomy...I'm a horrible subordinate . I'm also spoiled rotten by wife which makes me even more pretentous at times(((christina86))) |
| Christina86
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#9
Apr 24, 2009, 02:59 AM
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a description of the constant struggle w/ ALLa my dependencies..
the vicious cycle when i am weak, qnd rebellious. left 2 my own devices, w/out copious support, encouragement and accountability, well, i would once again be a slave to the free radical brain chemicals that assure me i'm insane and un reachable. unlovable and damaged beyond repair. when i look back on those days i am stupified and mortified that i behaved and lived like i was raised by wolves, and then shortly abandoned to surviving like an animal. trusting NO one and hating myself, blame and shame fuled the never ending assault i administered to myself, and allowed others to as well. it is not a story of regret or loss.. just a reminder of what it was like to be a 'living dead-gurl' trust me, although i struggle daily - i will never again abandon Li'l D. we're 14 in a 40 year old body. i always had to perform and act as if.. i was a fraud. now i take full responsability for, well, my whole life. the " animal i had become "- and now, the snails pace that IS going to get me to the next indicated adventure, where growing up is following a more "normal" pattern. i have guides and angels and clearly marked signs (and still an occasional SHOVE) in which direction is true - for myself. we are all called through our spirits to seek good in order to pass on to others a message of hope, regardless of the bs we try'n tell ourselves that is to the contrary.. Quote:
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| Christina86, wadingthruemotions
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#10
Apr 24, 2009, 10:58 AM
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((((((((((heavenisofaraway)))))))))))) thank you for explaining
I thought it might be something like that but I wasn't sure I did find it really poetic!! Quote:
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#11
Apr 27, 2009, 01:22 AM
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[FONT="Century Gothic"][/FONT]
Quote:
i shoulda made it clear it was my analogy for 'coming down' from drugg'n, ect..
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| Christina86
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#12
May 25, 2013, 12:41 PM
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I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober since April 25, 2009. However, I feel I have another addiction, which has again brought me to my knees. I am a compulsive gambler. I figured this was just a "phase" or "character defect" of mine. But it is much worse. I feel the exact same way I did on day one of sobriety. Alone, confused, scared. I have alienated everyone in my life, I have isolated, lied, stolen, manipulated and done everything on the face of the Earth to preserve my addiction. I guess hearing about "secondary addictions" from other alcoholics made me think that gambling was "unimportant" or could be treated in a sort of "secondary" way. I feel like a fraud, phony. I'd pretend among my friends like I didn't understand why my family and I didn't get along, even though the entire time, I knew exactly why: because I was a liar, dishonest to the core about my problem. Gambling is easy to hide for a while. There are no outward signs, no physical symptoms. It is simply the money and the mental anguish. The only thing people ever notice is when the coccoon of lies begins to unravel. I'm just spilling this out because I won't have contact with anyone about this issue until Monday. Right now, my Dad, Sister and family are emptying my apartment out. It was a disaster because I simply abandoned it after I couldn't afford it. Very selfish of me to just leave like that. I tried pushing my Dad out of my life prior to the whole thing collapsing around me. I was sleeping outdoors for a couple of days. I lost the ability to have a cell phone, so calling anyone was out of the question. I was lucky, I ran into a fellow alcoholic who offered to put me up until I got back on my feet. God put someone there for me so I wouldn't have to suffer any more. I don't want to gamble, I don't want to compulsively eat, I don't want to be the lying piece of trash that I feel I am most of the time. I am a smart guy. I am educated, I accomplished a lot in my short life (I am 28 as I write this). But right now, everything seems so insurmountable. I know recovery is possible because I have stayed sober from alcohol and drugs for 4 years now. But I don't see myself attaining any of my goals anytime soon. I want to hide but I know if I hide, I stay sick. So I won't hide, at least not from the help. I'll probably remain hidden from my family, mainly out of fear, but also because I think my presence at this point would do more harm than good. The hurtful lies and the untruthfully hateful remarks I hurled at my Father in an effort to push him away seem too raw and real at this time. No amount of sincerity is going to mend that relationship anytime soon. The lies I have told my friends seem to be forgiven at the moment. I guess at times I felt like some paragon of virtue at AA meetings because I wasn't the one chasing newcomer girls around to get laid or using drugs to cope with not drinking. But I had this sick, debilitating addiction to hang on to. It has ruined me for the time being. It has had a crippling effect on me that I have not felt in a long time. I have forgotten what the bottom feels like. I know what it looks like because I see it in the face and life of every newcomer I have ever met in AA. But the feeling...that's what I forgot. That's what I am reminded of now. The pain, the misery, the starting over. I don't want to "start over" again, I am 28 years old. I should be all grown up by now, living a life with marriage and a career and kids. Instead I lost my job, my residence, my self-respect and my sanity all to play cards. I feel like a child. I have so much work to do. I have so many fences to mend. I know it is truly a "one day at a time" thing when it comes to working through my problems and issues. As I said, I'm just ranting here to save my sanity. I feel like if I just toss this honesty out there (5th step-style), maybe it'll provide some relief. Wanna hear a good one? I was in law school. Yeah, and where I went to school, there are 3 casinos within short travelling distance. So guess where I went instead of class? Yep. Flunked out. Idiot. But I wasn't above pretending I was still in school, going so far as to fake like I was getting ready to graduate and move on with my life. I even faked like I was going to take some big-shot job in another city. Really, I was just going to run to see my friend there and "change things." He was kind enough but I know if I disconnect from the help, it'll never get better. I'll end up homeless in a place where I know no one, rather than a place where I have people. I am done now. I can't think of anything else to confess at this point. In fact, I think that might be it for the time being. All I know right now is that being broke and homeless has provided me with one very powerful gift, that I can't gamble if I don't have money. I could go see a loan shark but I don't even know one, which is a blessing.
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#13
May 25, 2013, 07:39 PM
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I've read that the alcoholic personality doesn't start out the way it ends up. It's the
alcohol itself that causes the personality changes: the need to try to control, the co-dependency needs, the low self-image, etc. Therapy is the way to help change that if you can put that into your schedule. If you go online and look at some sights that describe the alcoholic personality, you might find the cause of the feelings you have developed over time. Even though you no longer drink, those patterns may be set until you get help to remove them from your personality. |
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#14
May 25, 2013, 07:49 PM
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my primary had to be benzos, then my secondary was opiates although i took more opiates than benzos they were harder to shake
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Tams https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Whgn_iE5uc https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FOUqQt3Kg0 YOU LAUGH BECAUSE I AM DIFFERENT, I LAUGH BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL THE SAME Don't only practice your Art, But force your way through into its secrets, For it and Knowledge can Raise men to the Divine. Beethoven |
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#15
May 27, 2013, 01:30 AM
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In my past experience there were so many things I could not control in my life I went overboard with the things I could control. For instance I felt I had no control of the majority of my life the one thing I could control as a teenager was my eating. I would binge and purge. I was so angry at my mother for telling you shouldn't eat this or that will make you fat that I had a stash of desserts and junk in my closet and would sneak and it while cursing her all the while and then I would feel so guilty about everything I ate I would vomit it all back up. I also am a recovering heroin addict that was something I fooled myself into thinking I could control when in reality it controlled the hell out of me. If I couldn't get heroin I would use whatever I could get a hold of. I did rehab over and over and over again to no avail. Until I hit rock bottom and was so sick, tired, and disgusted with myself that I finally asked for help and got it. Try not to dwell on the past but look toward the future and what you can change. I wish you all the best.
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#16
Jun 20, 2013, 11:54 PM
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I think about that a lot..I have so many addictions and i'm a people pleaser but also don't take crap from now body... I'm also a clean freak I want everything to be perfect. Just wanted to share that..Thank you
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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