Alchohol and sex addiction

I'll keep it brief. I'm addicted to porn, sex, and alcohol, and my wife just found evidence of the first two, and deals with the third. I'm at work and she says we have to talk tonight. We have two kids. I'm afraid she's going to leave me. I'm afraid I've ruined our family and irrevocably hurt the people I love most in this world - a list that does not include myself. I am so unhappy and repulsed by myself I want to crawl out of my own skin. I know this is heavy, but ai just had to vent. I hope it's okay. I want to get better and live my life like a normal human being without secrets and shame.

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

and that is coming from the wife of a man that had the first two problems as well and that has greatly hurt me, but good news is that we are still together (married 20 yrs) but I only stayed when I saw that he really wanted to stop............. he had to prove himself.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.

YOU have taken the first step in healing by admitting the truth of your addictions, please be as honest with your wife tonight (or) you will hurt her even more.

Please check out these website's - they will be of great help to you and your wife as you two try to cope and heal from this destruction..... ((( hugs )))

http://www.intimatematters.com/

http://brothersforchrist.com/

http://forums.strang.com/viewforum.php?f=18

http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/home/

I'm just so freakin scared. I literally can't believe I created a problem like this. It's like another person trying to ruin my life and my family's.

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ineedhelp4242 said:
I'm just so freakin scared. I literally can't believe I created a problem like this.

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Honestly though - what did YOU think your WIFE would say or feel when and if she ever found out.... did you never think of her feelings while you were lusting over all those bodies.... maybe even self pleasing while you looked?

.... just some FOOD for THOUGHT -

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

No, I never did think of her or her needs. My behavior has been the purest selfishness, a total denial of reality; maybe the greatest immaturity an adult can possess. The way I'm feeling now, I don't want to touch or look at another body than my wife's ever again. But I know I need counseling. Even now my reaction is immature - I feel like a bad child who's been caught doing something wrong, and I need mommy's love again to make everything all right. Not adult feelings. Or are they? Isn't there some aspect of that kind of child-like feeling to all love relationships? I don't know.

On a more prosaic note, my wife's reaction was pretty bad. I don't know if our marriage will survive. Aside from seeking and securing counseling, and stopping the web-surfing, drinking late at night, etc., I don't know what else to say or do to start healing her wounds. I feel like I need to say or do something in the short run to keep her feelings from hardening and becoming unreachable. My wife told me she hates me last night. That makes two of us.

Thanks so much for listening. If I lose my wife and kids I don't know what I'll do.

I am sorry for what took place last night..... for I fell asleep thinking about your situation for I have lived through its h*ll and I still have problems from what he did.... to be honest I DO NOT think that I will ever be able to fully trust him again, and now I hate even being out in public with him or seeing a movie with him - for there are beauties to be seen and lusted at from all directions.
While I am feeling terrible for what you and your marriage is now having to deal with - I am feeling more for you wife.... for I was once in her place and it sucks more than I could ever explain. She will never be the same again, nor will her view of her self as a woman, for she was not enough to keep your love pure and safe - for just the two of you.

Please by all means seek the counseling you need and DO NT try to go at this along, for you will never make it out alive and with your family if you do.... you need professional help to get you thru the wounds that drew you to these addictions in the first place - your drug of choice for not wanting to feel any more.

Please know that I am here for YOU and that I will try to help as I can and I will back off as I need, if my feelings get upset from the woman's side of this sickness and from my own experience with it all.

I truly do wish to see your marriage saved and the love restored..... I will get a list together of some books that greatly helped my husband and myself to heal and send them to you - please look into buying them for both you and your wife to read. Good Bless +

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

P.S.
Here are a few links to some of my post on here that might help you better understand how your wife is feeling right now and WHY.... good luck.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...t=1&PHPSESSID=

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...t=1&PHPSESSID=

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...t=1&PHPSESSID=

Please forgive your husband, Rhapsody. If he's really changed, that is. I can tell you that this sickness is not necessarily a rejection of you - it's more like an outside force that pulled him away from you. Of course he's responsible for his actions, but if he's behaving well toward you, coming to bed at night, do your best to give him the benefit of the doubt. For men, looking at and desiring women is just an ordinary part of being heterosexual. But spending obsessive amounts of time on it, arranging meetings, paying for sex, etc. is NOT. If he's not doing those things any more, forgive him all the way if you can. He will benefit and be stronger as a result. It's what I'm hoping for if my wife gives me the chance to change and be a better husband.

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ineedhelp4242 said:
Please forgive your husband, Rhapsody. If he's really changed, that is. I can tell you that this sickness is not necessarily a rejection of you - it's more like an outside force that pulled him away from you.

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After ten years of living in this h*ll hole with him..... this I know, but it still does not take away the inner wounds and pain that his lusting and wanting created.... some females may never totally heal from his eyes.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I don't know whats happened since you posted,but it sure looks like you're in a rough spot. I felt alot of empathy for you when I read your post..I'd like to share what I feel is relevant to your situation based on my years of substance abuse and subsequent recovery. You screwed up,we can all see that,thats bad behavior...right? I want you to realize that it does'nt make you a "bad person" because if you don't you'll cripple your self esteem,and how will you ever feel as though you are worth the effort of straightening yourself out if you're just a "bad person". I tried to use drugs to fill a hole in me,you tried to use what you did.A baby will pick up anything and the first place it goes is its mouth,why? its based in need/drive we all understand that. As adults we do similar things
in a blind kind of way ,trying to get a need/drive met,but not really knowing how to do it because maybe we don't really know what we're looking for,would'nt recognize it on sight,was'nt taught to us by our parents.I want you to take responsibility for what you've done,and do whatever you have to do to to make it up to your wife and family.What I don't want you to do is trash yourself in the process.your a human being "mistake maker" forgive yourself and move on,knowing that this is one mistake you'll never have to repeat.

A little Food for Thought..... on PORN - LOOKING - LUSTING

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Truth is.... most women cannot and will not comprehend why a man would choose or risk such damage to their relationship for a mere look (and lets admit it is LUSTING) no matter how you throw the dice.... to some women looking with the intend to receive sexual pleasure is the same thing as cheating.

A woman whose husband does not control his looking and lusting will often start to feel like a failure, both as a wife and a female.... for her beauty can no longer measure up to what her husband wants - his eyes speak volumes.... so she had no choice but to doubt.
She wants to be found worthy in his eyes, she wants to be his BEAUTY (his only beauty).

While some women do not mind if their husbands are truly appreciating beauty (as in "What a Beautiful Girl" and nothing else) they will experience excruciating pain if their man looks long, lingers on, and lust after another attractive female. Their TRUST in their man's love gets badly shaken.... shaking turns to breaking when the other woman or image obviously aims to provoke lust, hence why many females hate PORN.

Let's face it.... men cannot control what a woman will show up in at a store or on the street, but with porn it is a conscious choice. When a man turns to porn no matter how infrequent, it sends a clear message to his wife (or gf) that she is inadequate. It says that no matter how hard she tries she cannot satisfy him sexually.... so why should she bother trying? - she may even feel as though he wants or loves the other woman / image over her.
Even women who do not see the power of porn or has become desensitized to its sight.... can and will at times find the experience of her man looking sexually at other women / images excruciating to both her heart & her trust in him.

The fact is for all men this is an area in their life and relationship were there really has to be zero tolerance, and obviously that applies to PORN, but it also includes.... lingering glances and lustful thoughts of another. Men injure their wives (and gf) when they look (as to lust or to receive sexual pleasure).
REMEMBER: You vowed to look in and at only HER, when you married. When you look you shatter your ability to reflect her value and beauty back to her.... YOU BREAK HER TRUST.

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LoVe,
Rhapsody -

.... Spoken for every woman ever in love, from personal experience & broken trust created by his eyes.

I was avoiding this thread because it hit close to home. But reading this post helped me understand myself a bit when I was with a guy who constantly borrowed porn and looked it up online, and made a disgusting sound every time a scantaly clad pretty girl was on tv. I used to wake up in the morning after he'd gone to work and find the sound turned all the way down and a porn in the dvd player, or, the spanish channel turned on with the sound down...he didn't speak spanish, he watched it because a lot of the women on those channels are half naked. I felt so inadequate, and didn't want him to see me naked, eventually not even wanting to sleep with him because in his sleep he would be trying to grab at me. In my mind he was dreaming about those beautiful women he saw on tv. It was so much more then a general appreciation for the female form. I just wished he would lust after me the way he did for the videos and spanish channels. It definetly is a harmful addiction. I guess I used to feel like I was just being a silly woman, until I read this post and realized my fears were valid. Thanks.

Rayna

YOU are WELCOME...... and NORMAL! - Never let any one else tell you any different.

If I can help others from my HURT, then I can except that some thing good came from it.... ((( hugs )))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

gosh this thread hits so close to home! I was married to an alcoholic and when I first went online he would use my user name and go in lesbian rooms and say stuff to them. he wouldn't touch me for months on end. the even told our therapist one time it wasn't worth his time to please me in the bedroom. man I hadn't thought of that in a long time. good luck with repairing your marriage but please get help soon!

Checking in to see how things are going with YOU (and your wife)..... for I have not heard any thing back since your wife found the stuff on the computer.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

Y'know, I have to offer something here, especially in light of the tone of some of the replies.

Sexual addiction is as much a disease of intimacy as it is about physical sensations. That has a great deal to do with why it appears in concert with other addictions. Addicts sometimes feel so guilty about their chemical addictions that they find it impossible to allow themselves the vulnerability and trust that are necessary to a healthy sexual relationship.

I understand that everyone can only speak from his or her own experience, and that most of the people who have replied have been victimized by someone else's addictions. But addicts feel bad enough about their faults without being reminded just how awful it is for the people they've harmed.

Just my 2¢.

Here is one more LINK that I forgot to add to the lsit.

LINK: http://www.sexaddict.com/

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

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A little F&Q from th site....

FAQ's: Sex Addiction

1. WHAT IS SEX ADDICTION?

Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior/fantasy or they may have a binge of sexual behaviors.

2. WHY DO PEOPLE BECOME SEXUALLY ADDICTED?

This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict. The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance, the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs. Spiritually, a person is filling up the God hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present. Then there is the sex addict who can be two or even three of the above reasons. This is why a specialist in sex addiction is the best route for recovery with sex addiction.

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yes a lot of times is when the person gets help and is all sorry and aplogizing willing to do anything but it is done only only because they got caught. Then as soon as the presure is all they go back to the things they did before. and try to be smarter this time. Sometimes it takes a person to hit a real bottom doing it for kids wife mother father or anyone else. You better be willing to prove to her that you will do it again.

Be grateful you only have to live one side of it.