Daily addiction check in #1

My worst was driving my pregnant wife to the hospital drunk. It was earlier than expected; I had planned to stop drinking when it got closer to the due date.

Memories from way back - I drank and used all through high school - can be problematic because even though I got in trouble numerous times, most of the memories make me smile. But not all...

In the more recent past, I was dosing myself as an escape while depressed, late at night at home. I cannot be trusted to be my own doctor.

I'm sorry, UpDownAround! I didn't mean for you to have to spill your guts! I was just bouncing an idea around inside this dense head of mine! I'd be happy to share some of my most embarrassing/troubling moments (my DUI, intentionally taking a pee on a friend's sofa, waking up with bruises I can't explain, missing my kids' games to get drunk, etc.), but I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I'm taking a break from work around the house, but I'll share more later. Sorry, dude; I didn't mean to preach or put you in an awkward spot! I feel awful now...

P.S. Comparing drunken tales is also dangerous in that we can compare & think we're better off, or worse off than others. All it takes to be an alcoholic is the constant inability to feel comfortable having "just one." I'm not sure of a good definition, but I hope I didn't spoil this thread for everyone!

Again...I'm sorry.

I am not proud of my worst, but I don't mind facing it again as a reminder of why it really isn't okay to start back thinking I can handle it. I was lucky nothing happened and that I didn't get stopped because I was bad off enough that the doctors and nurses all knew. Luck is not something I should risk so much on.

No, we don't want to compare. From my Recovery International training:

Comparison temper is a form of fear temper.

That means insecurity; judging myself as wrong. I pay attention in class.

Sometimes, reminding ourselves of how bad it had gotten can help build up the resolve to stay clean when it's starting to break down. It is okay to look at the bad stuff every now and then, as long as we don't get stuck in self pity and self hate. There is nothing wrong with thinking about how bad it truly got while we were using.

Thanks for the message. When I go to meetings I listen to the good AND the bad that people share - in turn, it helps me stay more honest with myself. I think that's the key for me staying sober. In AA they encourage working the 12 Steps. One of the AA promises after working the first 9 steps is that "we will not regret the past, nor wish to close the door on it." That's ********. To be honest, there are things I'll cringe about/regret until the day I die! You're right about not beating yourself up too much, though.

UpDownAround, I wish there was Recovery International around here, so I could attend them in addition to AA. There are about 200 AA meetings within driving distance for me, but no Recovery International meetings. Go figure. I should review my old CBT skills, because I haven't picked up my workbooks in a very long time. The tools you describe are valuable, and somewhat different than the AA approach. Being MI, I think Recovery International would address my dual diagnosis better. As I wrote, due to anxiety, depression & semi-agorophobia that I've been feeling lately, I haven't been to an AA meeting in over three weeks. I generally go to 4-6 meetings a week (is there a program for being addicted to AA meetings?). When I disappear like this, I wish I could explain to my AA comrades why I do this...It doesn't feel altogether comfortable doing so, however.

Some of it does feel like trite sayings, but it does help you focus and look at things in perspective.
Do not look regretfully into the past or fearfully into the future.

I don't interpret that to mean you shouldn't learn from past mistakes, just that regret doesn't do anything for you.

I am putting in effort with RI. I bought the workbook and have been actually doing the exercises and filling it out. The people who have been doing it a while nearly always manage to step back and assess situations using the tools instead of just acting on impulse. I'm pretty sure there aren't any tools that make deciding to drink or use seem like the best choice.

My t is also starting on some CBT with me soon.

I don't know if anyone else here has had this experience, but there were times when I really thought I had enough alcohol in the house for the night. After finishing the beer I had, I'd have a burning desire to go buy more...trying to beat the 2 a.m. deadline for the sale of booze in my state. I mentioned earlier that I had one DUI (back in the days when they didn't come down as hard as they do now). It's miraculous that I was only busted once when I look back at all the times I was behind the wheel drunk. I'm also thankful I didn't kill someone else on the road. Did I have an alcohol addiction? Ummmmm...Yep, indeed!

Sidenote: In Michigan the legal blood alcohol limit is 0.08...which (depending on body weight) is equal to about 4 beers. In other words, it doesn't take much to get busted these days. There are many people forced to go to AA meetings because they "blew dirty," but are probably not "true alcoholics." Everyone should know this & exercise caution!

Late 70s and early 80s the attitude was very different. There were 3 times that I was pulled over and admitted I had been drinking because it was so obvious and they let me go. Once a cop gave me a ride home and drove someone back to the car. I threw up into the floor of the squad car and he still let me go. I have never taken a breathalyzer test. I had a pretty serious problem but I never had to face it back then.

You and me both. Denial is a big part of the disease of alcoholism. I denied my problem for a long time...screwing up opportunities I might have had if I'd not been so obsessed with drinking & drugging. I'm not dishing out self-pity, though. As childofchaos alluded to in an earlier post, self-pity is a trap. I think it's important for me to remember where I've been - where I came from. Only after I've done that do I truely appreciate the gift of sobriety. It's kind of like the Tao...It takes the yin & the yang to be whole. I have bipolar disorder, so I have to deal with enough demons to stay healthy. I now see how alcohol (a depressant) made me even more depressed than I was to begin with...& led me to exercise even less good judgement when manic. Being sober all these years has probably kept me alive & out of jail. A pretty good deal...

Tuesday is UpDownAround's 100 days! How is everyone else doing? Any significant anniversaries coming up?

Well, it's not as long, but it's significant to me. Today is day 21, so I made it 3 weeks sober. I'm really happy about that. Next stop a month.

splitimage

Congratulations splitimage!

Oh, man, splitimage! Don't minimize three weeks. The first few weeks are probably the most difficult! What a huge milestone for you! Congrats!

Congrats to SplitImage and yes, today is 99, last of the double digit days.

Even after admitting there is a problem. Speaking from personal experience and from hearing the same thing from others, one reason that a lot of people don't want to go to AA meetings is the standard introduction. Once you have said "I am an alcoholic", you have essentially categorized yourself as someone who should not ever drink again. It makes drinking again a dangerous rationalization instead of a reasonable choice. I still really want to believe it is temporary. I don't think that it is, but I would like to. Denial is hard to shake.

Yeah...Once admit you're an alcoholic (by going to AA in my case), it kind of ruins your drinking because you realize the nature of your problem. It took me several attempts to quit before this stretch, & after realizing the extent of my problem, I could never really drink without a shadow hanging over my head. Once you admit, it's hard to deny again. That doesn't mean I'll never go back out, though. I gave up up drinking (a day at a time), but if I'm not doing something (even writing lists of crap I've done) alcohol will remember my name & call out for me in a moment of weakness. Alcoholism is a sneaky S.O.B. Your mileage may vary, though. My aunt has over 30 years of sobriety, but she stopped going to AA 27 years ago. Given my history, however, I'm not ready to take a chance. Writing on this thread is even a form of alcohol therapy for me. Whatever works.

Alcoholism unfortunately runs in my family my granddad was an alcoholic drank a lot of scotch and never ever had anything for me to drink then that which is a shame why should a kid at 4 know her first drink to be scotch?!?!?

And my dad had heart disease so when my doctor found out that it was safe for him to drink red wine at that time I was a red wine connoisseur and enjoyed my bottles of two ocean reds!

Anyways a lil history from me...

Alcoholism runs in my family too, greentires. I can't believe your grandfather had you drink scotch at the age of 4! That's a form of child abuse, in my opinion. I remember seeing my grandfather drunk; bouncing of the walls unable to walk straight. I think for many alcoholics there is a genetic component...just like there is for MI. Thanks for sharing a bit of your history! I started drinking early, too, but at 4-years-old?! That's rough!

I drank a few times at age 11 but it was at 13 that I stared drinking and using frequently. Alcoholism runs in my family; my dad's dad drank and my dad pretty much stayed away from it because of bad experiences with his dad. But my dad took a lot of fairly heavy duty tranquilizers for anxiety, not all of which were prescribed (he was able to get lots of samples from a family member). I swiped a few when I was using and was really surprised at how strong they were. Only a few, though; downers really weren't my thing. But dad had a drug problem. He still does, only now (in his 80s) it is opioids for mostly legit pain.

Congratulations UpDownAround, on hitting triple digits, that's awesome.

I was another kid who was introduced to alcohol by my parents. I can remember being a little kid, being given tea with brandy in it when I was sick, when I was as young as 7. And then there were the deserts, ice cream with creme de menthe (nasty stuff) poured over it. No shocker here, I always wanted seconds when we had that, and I poured with a fairly heavy hand. And 3-4 oz can get an 11 year old pretty looped. Don't know what they were thinking - just repeating what they'd learned from their parents I guess.

Day 22 for me here, and happy with that. Getting my hair coloured and cut in celebration.

splitimage

Thanks, yes it's triple digit day - 100! The next really big one will be six months at Christmas; that will be the best gift I could get myself. I will take note the 4th and 5th months also, but 6 is bigger; just have to stick with it to get there. My history says I will (the 4 times I made it past 2 months I made it 6+) and then I have to start watching for the "I have this under control" thoughts. That is what derailed previous stretches of sobriety.

CONGRATS ON 100 DAYS!!! You know what your next big milestone is, UpDownAround? In 22 days you'll have been sober for a third of a year! Take each day as it comes, but you're getting there!

I'm glad you're treating yourself today, splitimage! Isn't it funny how seemingly all of us started drinking at a fairly young age. While you hear about many "normies" getting sick the first time they drank, I know I enjoyed getting "looped" the first time I drank, splits. I thought I'd found a magic potion to take care of all my anxiety & depression. It might have been early self-medication but, with my family history, it was definitely the onset alcoholism.

Same here on drinking to a stupor the first time I stole a bottle of wine from my parents. They didn't drink, but they stockpiled bottles people gave them to take to dinner parties. Then I used to ride my bike to a store where it was easy to shoplift the flat bottles of MD 20/20. I got those because I could get one in my pants, buy a snack and waddle out of there without the old guy who ran the store even noticing (he wasn't very observant).

I thought I was the only one who stooped this low!!! Mad Dog! It almost tasted better coming up than it did going down!