Daily addiction check in #1

I haven't survived thanksgiving yet...everyone is drinking around me in my family except my mom she's just very emotionally and mentally abusive so far. I wanna drink to the point of raiding the fridge and finding booze in it and planning it's escape. I know I know bad idea but I hate holidays with my family they are all like drunks or something. I being told what to drink with dinner and how much to eat and my plate was piled high and there is fricken two pies on the table I cannot eat I am so stuffed I feel sick! Ew man this day is making me sick...

HELP Me...ahhh!!

I don't know what's going to happen actually lol...

Usually coming down for me means deep depression and wicked cravings. I just went back for every little shard of crystal I could find, and smoked all the residue in the pipe. Already having cravings and anxiety.

Do you have a prn for the anxiety?

Not anymore, I was prescribed ativan but they won't refill it anymore.

Your outta refills?

Yeah, and they won't give me more.

Also, my girlfriend just tried to give my pipe away and I pleaded until she let me keep it, I was pissed.

greentires4me, Hope you made it through Thanksgiving dinner ok, and didn't drink. I find family holiday events incredibly stressful, fortunately for me, my family is really scattered across the country and we almost never get together. So I don't have that pressure to deal with.

28 days for me today, so I'm coming up on a month. Looking forward to hitting that milestone. Had some pretty wicked cravings yesterday but I talked myself through them.

I'm roasting a Cornish Hen tonight for Canadian Thanksgiving. Normally I'd cook it in a wine and mushroom sauce - but that's out now. Roast is just as good.

splitimage

Congrats on 4 weeks!

Oddly enough, I have never really considered cooking wine a temptation. A small bottle (not enough to get drunk) of bad wine with salt in it does not appeal to me.

Congrats on the four weeks! It's hard to believe you've been fighting so hard for so long! I remember how hard it was - both with cravings & the emotional letdown - when you had to start over this time. I'm very happy for you!

Just my two cents worth, but I never cook or order anything with alcohol in it. I know the alcohol evaporates out in the cooking process, but it's a matter of principle for me. Also, even if there's a remote chance there will be even a hint of alcohol flavor, I err on the side of caution. Arby's has a meat sandwich out right now that looks mighty good! Unfortunately, it's slathered in a bourbon sauce. Oh, well...

Vanilla extract is 35% alcohol; I am not giving up everything that's in. I can't remember whether I have had anything that was cooked with cooking wine during sobriety or not. There is one flounder dish that I might have had; not sure when we last had that. But it doesn't bother me that there are 2 partial bottles, one red and one white, in a cabinet over the stove. History says if I start to drink again, it won't be because of a trigger. I guess the fact that it is there and doesn't tempt me could be a factor in the thought process that says I can handle this again because I am not triggered by things like that. Kind of a stretch though.

I wasn't providing advice to anyone...just writing about how I approach it. As I've written here before, I ain't no preacher. Sorry if I sounded judgemental. You know your tendencies better than I do, UpDownAround.

Don't worry about it. It's food for thought; a legitimate consideration. Because of my history, I am pretty open to considering tweaks I might make to steer clear of the thought process that leads to me deciding I can handle it again. Just because my knee jerk reaction was defensive doesn't mean I am done thinking about it.

I think the single biggest threat to my sobriety is the image of me sipping wine under the palms in retirement. I cannot seem to shake it. It's a daydream I have had for decades and it is pretty detailed; I even know exactly what type of wine and can almost taste it. If I stick to the plans I have made, I will be retired in a little under 5 years. I will be doing some poking around looking at candidate palm trees sooner than that. My wife has no interest in going but is encouraging me to find a reasonably priced "fishing cottage" to chase away my winter blues. It's like the perfect storm...

If I start drinking again I will definitely not stop

Day one living clean. Can you say that on day one? Total ****ing meltdown, hysterical sobs, can't get out of bed to go to my family's Thanksgiving. **** this.

Yes of course...keep strong you can do this jess!

Not using when addicted, physically and/or mentally, is very hard. but it's worth it in the long run. Your future self is rooting for you!

UpDownAround,

I can totally relate to your future fantasy. I have a similar one. It's me sitting in front of a roaring fire, in a cabin in the woods in the fall, with a cat asleep on my lap and a glass of whiskey.

I'm no expert on recovery, so take this with a bag of salt, but whenever that thought pops into my head, I just go, "That's 20 years from now. Just concentrate on not drinking today." And since that literally takes most of my energy I'm ok. Who knows what you'll feel like in 5 years, you may not want to drink, you may feel it's ok to. The main thing is focussing on staying sober today, That's one thing I absolutely agree on with AA.

splitimage

I dislike the idea of personifying addiction; it's like ascribing my behaviors to a boogeyman instead of facing them myself, but in this case it is easier to explain that way. It's like the addiction is being sneaky; it takes me near zero energy to stay sober each day. So the thoughts start to creep in that maybe I could handle it if I establish some ground rules and stick to them. Right now those thoughts are easy to squash because it has not been that long since I had real problems with drinking and using. But in a year, two or five it will likely be much harder. I have not smoked weed in over 25 years but still have the desire to, so I don't think the fantasy is going away in five years.

I don't mean to sound arrogant here, but I don't have any future fantasies about drinking; I had my arse kicked for too many years to kid myself. For me, I try to play the movie all the way through...from the end to the beginning, though. Experience has taught me that the end generally ain't too pretty, so when I get to the beginning, I realize the fantasy is a dangerous illusion. Who knows? I may have an overwhelming urge in a year, or five years, but if I play the tape through backwards, I know what I have to lose. I've already lost enough due to my drinking, & there's a lot I haven't lost "yet." I always try to remember the "yets."

Been a few days over a month since I've taken

I'm finally independent from severe stimulant dependence!

Also today has been exactly one year since I was admitted to the psych ward then to rehab for being caught with about 10 different drugs and using them at the same time.

Wow! That's fantastic Desoxyn! I've heard meth is a tough enemy to defeat - perhaps far more difficult than alcohol. The fact that you were able to do this on your own for over a month is amazing...It's got to feel great. I'm sorry to hear about your hospitalization a year ago, but it sounds like you've come to terms with that, too. Keep us posted...& in the future it would be OK with me personally if you didn't trigger meth. This is an addictions forum, so none of us judge. One addiction is like another.

Desoxyn, Good job on passing a month. From your statement I assume that means that all physical addiction symptoms are gone and the mental ones are not giving you trouble. Just keep adding the days and keep use posted. It helps me to post often as I really don't have anyone closely tracking it IRL.

IIRC, you realized you had a problem at a fairly young age and didn't have extended periods of responsible drinking. Am I remembering that right?

When I had those extended periods, there were times when I would be sitting back enjoying a sunset at the beach from the deck of a rented house and having a glass of wine or two. Once in St Martin it was sipping a rum they called the "Cognac of the Caribbean" and smoking a cuban cigar (I don't really smoke, but had to see what the fuss was about with cuban cigars). Those were "this is the life" moments. I would get buzzed but not really drunk and I didn't have anywhere to be so I wasn't going to be driving. I didn't consider myself a problem drinker and neither did others, so it was in the open and I was not alone. Pretty much textbook responsible drinking. So when I imagined retiring someday in the distant future, that's the image I saw. This movie played in my head hundreds or thousands of times.

I am not saying it will win out, just trying to give you an idea of how much power these images have, since you don't have one.

You're absolutely right, UpDownAround. I went to my first AA meeting when I was 20. Since then I've had several bouts of prolonged sobriety, but certainly had a serious problem right out of the shoots. I could never have had "just a few" at any point in my life; I got thoroughly trashed the FIRST time I drank. This past time I didn't sober up until I was in my 40's (I'm 56 now). I know I can never drink like a "normie," which probably makes my job of staying sober somewhat easier in some ways. I still know I'm capable of going back out, but over 30 years of bad experiences are a good teacher. For me, however, I still have to take it one day at a time. Thanks for the clarification!