The insanity stops today

Thanks Michelea and Notz,

Day 19 today.

Notz, lists don't really work for me. But I know I need to build routine, so that's something I'm working on. Will be glad to get back to work, but for now job hunting's on hold, until I get through rehab in July or August. Right now I'm just trying to focus on sobriety.

Had a good day yesterday, got all my errands run and went to my drop in group at Branson. I got all weepy and cried in group but that's ok.

I have to laugh, like any good alcoholic, I want instant gratification, so I want to be through the healing process and six months sober by tomorrow, but I know that's not going to happen, so I have to give my brain a chance to heal.

Nothing wrong with crying...but don't forget to smile and pat yourself on the back sometimes, too. You are doing a great job on a difficult task.

Thanks Michelea,

Made it to day 21 today, and that feels good. Was actually able to sit outside on a patio yesterday and be happy with my Diet Pepsi and didn't have strong cravings for a beer. Sure I thought about how it would be nice to have one, I just told myself that no it wouldn't/

Thanks for telling me to give myself a pat on the back, for what I am accomplishing. I'm really good at beating myself up, and not so good at recognizing when i'm doing something well.

Got a phone call from the concurrent disorders rehab, yesterday but missed the call, so I'll call them back today, and hopefully get an intake date. Really hoping it'll be sooner rather than later.

Ah, not having strong cravings is a big step.

Fingers crossed on your getting an earlier intake date.

So nice to hear that you're doing well!

Thanks Michelea and Refuse2sink.

Day 22 today.

I finally heard from the concurrent disorders rehab and got my start date. It's not until Aug. 23, which is a lot later than I was expecting. Not impressed.

But the good news is they waived their no benzo policy for me, so I can stay on my clonazepam.

Today I have a meeting with my addictions Dr., and then I'll go to the harm reduction drop in meeting at my current rehab.

Just feels like Aug. 23'rd is really far away.

Day 28 today for me, and I'm feeling pretty good about that. Having some cravings, but they're easy to dismiss as I'm on the antabuse still. 2 months now, until I go into rehab, and I'm struggling with how I'm going to fill the time. I feel guilty about taking the time to focus on just staying sober, and feel like I should be job hunting, but I know my brain isn't ready for me to work yet.

I have the option of going into an IOP program until I get into the residential program, and I'm thinking about it. My plan was to do the residential and do the IOP afterwards. I'm just afraid of burning out of rehab.

I need to really focus on building a routine for myself to get through the next 2 months.

splitimage

Happy that you are doing well with dismissing the cravings. Afraid I don't have any great advice on getting into a routine, since I am also working on that.

A couple of days ago, I started looking at my days as 9-5 work days. Still working on keeping that view all day, but when I do have that view, things click and I get things done. Think for me, doing that puts feelings, personal stuff, etc in the closet for awhile, and I stay more motivated during the day.

Dunno if I explained that well, or if it would work for you...but thought I'd share what's working for me.

Thanks Michelea,

I like the idea of treating the day like a 9-5 work day. That might help me to not waste so much time. I'm going to think about how I can incorporate that idea into my day.

splitimage

Whoo hoo! 30 days today. I've made it a month, which is the longest I've been sober, in ages. It's still really hard, and I still really want to drink every day, but I feel really good that I've stuck with it. Staying on the Antabuse and going to the groups at my rehab and working the Women for Sobriety program really help me.

My head still feels kind of foggy, but it's a little bit better which is encouraging.

Still struggling with how I'm going to make it through the 2 months until I go to IP rehab, but I'll figure it out.

Strictly taking it one day at a time.

30 days is awesome! I'm so happy for you.

Thanks RainyDay.

Today is day 31, and while I'm happy about that, I feel like all I've accomplished in the last month is not drinking. Now I know that's a REALLY big deal for me, but I still feel like a slacker for not doing more (that's my brother's voice talking in my head).

I've got so much I could be working on between now and going to residential rehab. Cleaning my room, my 2 computer courses, and my CFE prep course. Just no motivation.

I'm thinking of asking to go into my current rehab's IOP rehab for the 8 weeks between now and going into CAITS. It would get me out of the house each day, and give me some structure, and once I'm up and about, I find it easier to keep going. It just feels like a bit of a cop out. But I do think I could use the support. I'll talk about it with them when I go to contemplative tomorrow.

I just wish it wasn't so freaking hard.

Try your best not to overwhelm yourself throughout recovery. When you hit the 30 day, 60 day, and 90 day marks especially, they can be tough and get overwhelming sometimes. You experience PAWS, post acute withdrawal, which is basically an emotional roller coaster. It's really important to practice a lot of self care during those times. Congratulations on the tremendous accomplishment of staying straight for 30 days!!!! You can do this!

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Thanks Refuse2Sink,

I'm very aware of PAWS, and it's definitely affecting me right now. And I do understand the need not to overwhelm myself - I'm just shooting for something higher, than doing absolutely nothing.

It's day 32 today, and while I'm happy about that, I'm noticing I'm not feeling significantly better, other than being through with the withdrawals. My brain still feels messed up. I know part of that's PAWS but it also tells me, it's going to take my brain a while to heal from all the relapsing.

I've decided to ask my rehab, if I can do their IOP while I wait to get into CAITS. It would give me something to do each day, and might help me deal with these crazy cravings that I'm having. Plus once I'm up and motivated, I'm much more likely to be productive and get things done during the rest of the day. So I'll ask them in contemplative today. I'm pretty sure they'll say yes, and hopefully I can start next Mon. I feel like a loser for needing the extra support, but I really do feel like I need it.

Day 34, and still feeling kind of flat and unmotivated. My current rehab has agree to let me come into their IOP program while I'm waiting to get into CAITS and I'm both happy and frustrated with that.

I'm frustrated that I feel like i still need the support, and happy that they're letting me in for an abreviated period of their program.

Still having crazy strong urges to drink so I'm grateful that I'm on the Antabuse. It at least stops the internal debate of should I or shouldn't I.

Still just working on taking it a day at a time.

Day 39 today and still having crazy strong cravings to drink, which is frustrating as heck.

Today I start the IOP program, that I'll do until I get into CAITS. I'm both looking forward to it, and dreading it. But I know I need the extra support, so it's good that I'm doing it.

Thanks Jamie514, You're right I do need to be strong.

Day 40 today.

I started the IOP program yesterday. I already knew almost all the people in it, because I'd either done the program with them in the past, or I'd met then in the harm reduction program when they were getting ready to enter Core, so that was both weird and nice.

It was a good session, but the Dr. running it sent us all off for a urine screen which was a bit of a pain, since only some labs do one of the tests she wanted, so I didn't get home til mid afternoon, at which point I promptly fell asleep.

Looking forward to going back today.

Thinking of you and keep on, proud of you!

Thanks Rainyday107,

Day 41 today.

Yesterday was a great day and was one of those days that makes me feel great about being sober.

I went to my IOP in the morning, and it was pretty good. Then I caught the bus down to Kensington market, and had a designer Grilled Cheese sandwich, then went to my favourite yarn store, and bought some lovely yarn. Then went to my harp lesson where I played well, and got to see Grace, one of my teacher's dogs. She was super affectionate, so I got to pet and cuddle her and was rewarded with lots of licks and tail wags.

Today will also be good. I have IOP in the morning, and I may stick around for contemplative in the afternoon, because the hospital is air conditioned, and my place isn't, and it's supposed to get up to 34 today.

Day 42,

Got great news yesterday. The hospital where I'm scheduled to do a residential concurrent disorders program called and gave me an earlier admission date. I'm now going in Aug. 3 instead of the 23. I'm very happy about that.

Congrats! Keep on doing what you're doing! xo

Thanks rainyday107.

Day 43 today, and I think I'm finally having the pink cloud I heard about when people quit drinking. I'm in a ridiculously good mood, given the other circumstances in my life.

Core today and then an appointment with my addictions Dr. Looking forward to both.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks rainyday.

Day 45 today, and I'm proud of myself too. This is the longest I've been sober in I don't know how long.

Someone tried to rain on my parade on another recovery site, yesterday, but I'm not going to let them get me down. If they want to be judgemental that's their problem, not mine. I'm trying to stay happy.

I woke up this morning with a splitting headache - I don't know if it's from the heat or from caffeine withdrawal, but it's my first time waking up with a headache since getting sober, and I was "this really sucks, remember when you always used to wake up like this." Don't want to go back there.

Day 46 today.

I took a major risk yesterday, and leveled with my brother who is helping me financially. He's had a super successful career and has never understood alcoholism or mental illness. I haven't been telling him about my relapses or treatment plans, because I know he thinks I should be just focused on finding a job.

A couple of weeks ago he sent me a NY times article about addiction, and yesterday I responded to him, giving him my opinion about the article in terms of my experience with rehab over the years.

I then decided to level with him, and told him I was back in an IOP program while waiting to get into residential rehab which I was doing at the beginning of Aug. and then following it up with another 10 weeks of IOP, while I was job hunting. And I told him how hard it was with wanting to drink every day.

He called me later and while we didn't address my e-mail specifically, he did say it sounded like I needed to concentrate on treatment for a while, which coming from him is a huge concession.

So I was glad I was honest with him.