[treevoice]

I have been sober for about 3 years now. I did attend some AA meetings during my recovery, but didn't really go through the whole 12 step process. I always thought that if I could just get some time sober under my belt, everything would be okay. Now I am discovering that the longer I'm sober, the more agony I'm experiencing remembering what a terrible person I had become, and the terrible things I did. I understand now why that step of apologizing and confessing to the people you hurt is such an important one - I'm seriously regretting never finding some sort of closure with these people. At this point, I'm not even sure how I would go about contacting the people I really want to apologize to. Even if I were to find them, I'm not sure I'm brave enough to say what I want to say. I feel like I need to confess, admit it, because I never really did, so I'm going to do it here. Thank you for letting me vent my thoughts. <3

The day I lost my job as a nanny, it was Blank's birthday. I had taken him to pick out a goldfish, and we had one of the funnest outings of our relationship together. I was hungover, and struggling with alcohol, but I had never touched a drink at work. We got back to his house and we put the fish in the tank and laid down for a nap, when suddenly the fish died - right before our eyes. This child had never experienced death before, and I immediately started having a panic attack trying to figure out what to say to him. I went downstairs to call his mom and let her know what was happening, and while we were talking, I saw a half-empty half-gallon of Jack Daniels on top of the fridge. I don't know what possessed me, it horrifies me to this day that I did this, but I grabbed it and started chugging. The next thing I remember was being roused awake by Blank's mother. What came next was a blur of sobbing, someone holding my head in their lap, someone driving me home. I slept for hours before they came to bring my car to my house. The carseat had been removed from it, they handed me my last paycheck, and I never saw the child - who I had grown to love so much - again.

I still think about them all the time. I am both terrified and hopeful that I might run into them in the grocery store, or around town. The feeling is so intense that I'm selling my house and moving to a new state (that's not the only reason, but I desperately need a change of scenery). It's been 4 years, and I try to imagine what Blank must look like now. I doubt he remembers me. I wish I could say that that was my wake up call, but it wasn't. I got worse from there, and worse, and worse, for another year before I finally got sober. I never worked with children again, even though it had been my life passion before then. It has been hard enough living with myself knowing what I had done, and if anything were to happen again I know it would be the end of me. The more time goes by, the more I think about it. I can never undo it. I have to live with this forever. Sometimes it's such a heavy feeling I feel I might collapse underneath it. I know all alcoholics do some terrible things, that aren't really representative of who they truly are, but how do you live with the memories? How do you pick up and move on? Is that little boy's face going to be the last thing I see in my mind's eye when I'm dying? Some days I just don't know how I'm ever going to be able to conquer my depression & anxiety when at my very core I know that I endangered a child and I can never undo it.

I don't know why today is the day I became so overwhelmed I had to spill my guts, but...thanks for listening.

[childofchaos831]

Part of AA is making amends for wrongs we haves done. But in some circumstances, we cannot make those amends in person or even at all to those people. There are other things th at can be done in place of going to the people and making the amends, but that is step 9, and there are 8 steps that need to be done before it to truly be ready and understand, according to AA.

For people that don't follow AA, I'm not really sure how it's done. There is confession within the church, there's what you did here, and other things. One thing that AS does teach is that when we are truly ready to make the amends, the person will show up. Basically, the idea that when you are ready, you'll run into them. These days, there is Facebook as well.

One thing I have done to help myself release something that has haunted me is to write it down on a paper and attach it to a balloon and let it go or even burn the paper and watch the smoke float off.

Notg sure if that helps at all...

[Bill3]

treevoice, have you had a chance to discuss these events with a therapist?

[treevoice]

Originally Posted by Bill3

treevoice, have you had a chance to discuss these events with a therapist?

I did seek help a few months after that. I didn't have any money or insurance (I was unemployed for some time after that), and so my mother in law set me up with a life coach who volunteered at her church. Truthfully, the experience was more traumatic than helpful. I had so much anxiety/panic during that time in my life it was nearly impossible for me to speak about what I was going through, so one day I walked to my appointment half drunk. I opened up to her that day and told her everything. And then, she never returned my calls again. I didn't seek any more help after that, although I'm sure I should have, but I was so humiliated that I never did. I think about doing that a lot now. I've used some of the online services like Better Help, but truthfully it hasn't been all that helpful. I feel like I'm pretty self aware about it so basic coaching hasn't been all that helpful. I know I could benefit from some more intensive therapy from a real psychiatrist, but alas, money still stands in the way of that. I focus some of this energy towards activism in my community for more resources and on a larger scale for single payer healthcare - it's stressful, but gives me hope I might be able to get the help I need someday.

[Bill3]

(((((treevoice)))))

I'm so sorry that the coach abandoned you and thereby retraumatized you. That was a terrible thing to do.

(((((treevoice)))))

[treevoice]

Originally Posted by Bill3

(((((treevoice)))))

I'm so sorry that the coach abandoned you and thereby retraumatized you. That was a terrible thing to do.

(((((treevoice)))))

In fairness to her, I think that my problems were a bit more than a volunteer at a church was prepared to handle. It was just a vulnerable time, and I was very sensitive. In the end I was able to overcome my drinking without a therapist, and I have faith that someday I'll be able to overcome the residual self loathing with or without one as well. Thank you thank you thank you for your kindness. <3

[Bill3]

You're welcome!

I admire your posts here and I know that you can do it!

[johncarguy]

I agree with ChildofChaos. When looking back at things that i have done, or even now things i want to say to someone. I find that writing it all down then either deleting it, buring the paper helps me to control myself. I do feel better after. Hoping that someday you have a chance to reconcile with the childs mother. Keep in mind though it might never happen. But either way you must get it right so it doesnt consume all of your thoughts.

Good luck,

John

[Misssy2]

tree..hi..
First I want you to know i am an alcoholic..I had 8 years sober once and went thru the "steps" reluctantly..when we got to the part of "amends"...I balked at it big time..

And most of my apologies I treated like a checklist and people that know me...knew I was just aplogizing because that is what the rules said...lol...

I don't know how long you were a nanny to the child.

But, I can tell you feel so hopeless over this situation and I get it you are hurting and...you are owning YOUR PART in the situation...BUT..I can look at it like this..it was "Blanks" birthday...why wasn't the mother with the child? And you did so many positive things probably prior to this day and on this day and you are focusing on the one thing that was bad..and yes, it was really bad.

But, the mother did the right thing for her family due to the condition you were in at the time...you were "sick".

Children are resilient I'm sure the child misses you or missed you for a period of time..how old was the child at the time?

Cause maybe the child wouldn't remember you..my mother says we don't remember things before the age of 6...The child is safe....for yourself..I wish you would find a way to forgive yourself.

How many years ago was this? I am sorry I have so many questions...I can see how bad you feel....is there a way to get in touch with them?

Sober of course...even if you ever drank again...you have come to a point in your life that this is really bothering you and pulling you down when you need to be lifted up. Seems you need to either write a letter to the Mom and child (depending on age)...and explain that the way you parted has saddened you and you wanted to let them know that you have realized how sick you were at the time and how much danger you feel you put the child in and how you wish you could take it back...but you can't and you are sorry for that.

I hope you bump into them too...speak from your heart....nothing to do with AA...just get rid of this burden for yourself...

[treevoice]

Originally Posted by Misssy2

tree..hi..
First I want you to know i am an alcoholic..I had 8 years sober once and went thru the "steps" reluctantly..when we got to the part of "amends"...I balked at it big time..

And most of my apologies I treated like a checklist and people that know me...knew I was just aplogizing because that is what the rules said...lol...

I don't know how long you were a nanny to the child.

But, I can tell you feel so hopeless over this situation and I get it you are hurting and...you are owning YOUR PART in the situation...BUT..I can look at it like this..it was "Blanks" birthday...why wasn't the mother with the child? And you did so many positive things probably prior to this day and on this day and you are focusing on the one thing that was bad..and yes, it was really bad.

But, the mother did the right thing for her family due to the condition you were in at the time...you were "sick".

Children are resilient I'm sure the child misses you or missed you for a period of time..how old was the child at the time?

Cause maybe the child wouldn't remember you..my mother says we don't remember things before the age of 6...The child is safe....for yourself..I wish you would find a way to forgive yourself.

How many years ago was this? I am sorry I have so many questions...I can see how bad you feel....is there a way to get in touch with them?

Sober of course...even if you ever drank again...you have come to a point in your life that this is really bothering you and pulling you down when you need to be lifted up. Seems you need to either write a letter to the Mom and child (depending on age)...and explain that the way you parted has saddened you and you wanted to let them know that you have realized how sick you were at the time and how much danger you feel you put the child in and how you wish you could take it back...but you can't and you are sorry for that.

I hope you bump into them too...speak from your heart....nothing to do with AA...just get rid of this burden for yourself...

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it. I was a nanny for the family for 2 years, I was there to watch him begin to take on personhood and learn to speak. We spent all day every day together during that time. His older brother was severely autistic, so the parents were very often engrossed what was going on with the other child. I almost felt like another mom to him in some ways, which is part of why it was so devistating. He was so young though, I'm really doubtful he'd remember at this point. He would be 7 now. I wasn't that close with the parents because they weren't around much. I think I saw the father from across a grocery store once, but he either didn't recognize me or pretended not to. Honestly, I completely understand why they terminated the relationship the way they did. They could have pressed charges or something and they didn't, and for that I am endlessly grateful. They blocked me on facebook (understandably). I'm not sure if they still live in the same house or not, I could probably write a letter but at this point I'm too afraid to re-open that chapter. Part of me really hopes they forgot about me. I hope they found an amazing person to take over my role and I hope all the time that they are well and happy. Maybe the best thing I can do for them is to just leave them alone, I doubt they would want to revisit that awful day. I can only imagine how terrifying it must have been for them to find me that way. I did send the mom a long apology the day after it happened, and I think maybe in the months that followed I deliberately repressed what she said back to me, because even though I can picture myself opening her text very clearly, I can't remember at all what it said. That may be for the best, too. Someday I'll figure out a way to live with this. I count my blessings every day that no one was hurt and they let me go in peace.

Again, thank you thank you thank you for your kindness.

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by treevoice

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it. I was a nanny for the family for 2 years, I was there to watch him begin to take on personhood and learn to speak. We spent all day every day together during that time. His older brother was severely autistic, so the parents were very often engrossed what was going on with the other child. I almost felt like another mom to him in some ways, which is part of why it was so devistating. He was so young though, I'm really doubtful he'd remember at this point. He would be 7 now. I wasn't that close with the parents because they weren't around much. I think I saw the father from across a grocery store once, but he either didn't recognize me or pretended not to. Honestly, I completely understand why they terminated the relationship the way they did. They could have pressed charges or something and they didn't, and for that I am endlessly grateful. They blocked me on facebook (understandably). I'm not sure if they still live in the same house or not, I could probably write a letter but at this point I'm too afraid to re-open that chapter. Part of me really hopes they forgot about me. I hope they found an amazing person to take over my role and I hope all the time that they are well and happy. Maybe the best thing I can do for them is to just leave them alone, I doubt they would want to revisit that awful day. I can only imagine how terrifying it must have been for them to find me that way. I did send the mom a long apology the day after it happened, and I think maybe in the months that followed I deliberately repressed what she said back to me, because even though I can picture myself opening her text very clearly, I can't remember at all what it said. That may be for the best, too. Someday I'll figure out a way to live with this. I count my blessings every day that no one was hurt and they let me go in peace.

Again, thank you thank you thank you for your kindness.

I read your reply to me and in that reply you talk about the other child having autism and getting more attention...what was the JD up there for anyway?

You never know...they could be apologizing to "Blank" someday for the favoritism of his brother...which I have done with my children.

Yea..I think you are evaluating this based on AA..and I think they also talk about where some amends could do more harm.

I don't see any good coming out of you contacting them for either side (you or them)...let this be one of the things you let go...the boy is only 7 now..if it is still bothering you in 11 more years..WHICH I HOPE IT IS NOT...look for him on Facebook and tell him that you loved him as a child.

Until..believe you both are in Gods hands...and that you will both be taken care of...you did not do an extremely horrible thing..the boy was safe....I have done much worse and I have forgiven myself.