[Caitlin86]

Hi guys!

Ive just come across this site and thought it might help me. I was using cocaine, e's and prescription pain killers for the last 4yrs but in january i began to try to really give them up once and for all. I spent thousands of euros in the last 12months on cocaine and have lost numerous friends. My sister and 3 of my best friends have warned me if i start using again thats it. I tried really hard but began suffering from insomnia and depression the last few month so i just figured it was easier to go back on the drugs. The last few weeks I have not been taking drugs as much as I used to and I think I have it under control, i don't think I have a problem, how can i tell? I'm just really confused and don't know what to do because I can't tell my friends, sister or doctor im taking drugs again, they are so proud of me but in my mind im thinking what they don't know wont hurt them! Just wondering if anyone is going through the same thing?

Thanks for reading

Caitlin

[trippinmickey]

Euros thats funny it took me awhile .After reading your post its easy to tell that you know what the answer is .Taking that first step is the hardest part. The real question is how much are you willing to loss before you take it .Been there done that and its a game you cant win it just gets harder and harder the longer you wait to get clean.

Once you do you can work on your Depression and insomnia the right way so it gets better and your just not masking it with drugs.

[Caitlin86]

hey trippinmickey, thanks 4ur reply. I know your right &I obviously think that aswell or else I wouldnt be on this website. Subconsiously im just looking for something to justify what im doing but i know thats not going to happen. You said what am i willing to loss before i see sense &the answer is i dont know...the nyt i started back on the coke 2 weeks ago my sister said to me "if i find out your still doing drugs wer finished this time for good" but even with that threat of losing the best person in my life i still cant turn down a line of coke, i dont kno what to do its like i have an angel and devil on my shoulder &i seem to be always picking the bad option.

[Cyran0]

Caitlin, I'm a recovering addict and my drug of choice was cocaine. So boy do I know where you're coming from. I rationalized my choices a million different ways, telling myself that taking out a loan to buy coke was a reasonable thing to do so long as I payed it back. Well, that's insane. I was going into debt to get high and I had a wife and child and we were broke. I didn't care. I'd go off by myself and do it for hours. No sharing for me. It took time and a lot of looking myself in the mirror but eventually I admitted what I'd become. I flushed the remainder of an eight ball down the toilet and left town (to a place where I didn't know a dealer).

I don't know about you but just the thought of doing a line, that cold nose sensation, the medicinal drip in the back of my throat, it makes me yearn for it so badly that I feel I can't help myself. But here's the thing. I've been clean for something like seven years. So I guess it was possible to help myself after all.

I know first hand the hold coke can have on ya so even if you're not addicted, I hope you'll stop using it. It's not worth it.

Cyran0

[Caitlin86]

ok so its my birthday &it was this time last year that the %#@&#! hit the fan but im thinking back now how i remember how i felt when my sister told me that she hated me &my best friend told me that i was nothing more than a waste of space & how i felt so bad that i wished i was dead, but now a yr on there was coke &E's at my birthday but i had none of it &now i feel so proud, i can honestly say is bn 2wks since i las scored...i know i can do it,im better than that

[StarPonysMama]

((((((Caitlin86)))))

I have always been terrified of Cocaine. My mom had tried it once in her twenties. Told me to never try it - she knew I would like it. Guess the fear always kept me away.

Big HUGS and KUDOS to you for your two weeks! We are very proud of you - KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

We are all here for you at PC, sometimes it helps to get online and post when you are having cravings! We're here to listen!

[Cyran0]

Two weeks is a huge accomplishment. Congrats! I know you can do it.

Cyran0

[splitimage]

Feel free to drop by our recovery chat. It's every Tues. pm. at 10 EST. It's right after Dr. John's chat.

And congrats on your two weeks.

--splitimage

[Caitlin86]

Thanks for all your support and encouragement but I dont deserve it, I always end up letting everyone down in the end. I thought I was making progress but I had a major set back the other night, thought I could stop after one line but I was still going the next morning and ended up in the medical centre, it really scared me and I swore never again but knowing me the memory of how much of a state I was in will soon pass. Got my finals in uni starting next week so just going to try concentrate on them but I see now that my way of dealing with this obviously isnt working so ill have to sort myself out properly when I finish my exams. My friends have also had enough.

Caitlin

[lauren_helene]

I also was addicted to cocaine back in the early 1990's. It was six months of my life and only got it through a boyfriend. I quit him and the coke cold turkey.

It was hard, I couldn't sleep and would panic at about 10pm every night which is when we started doing it.

Best decision ever was to quit. It isn't easy I know.