[Capp]

Yesterday I had more oral surgery. Only two and a half hours this time. It's necessary for me to have nitrous oxide whenever I undergo this type of surgery.
Part of my childhood abuse involved my abuser playing dentist...

With the help of my therapist, we devised a plan where I would not bite the surgeon or cat scratch him to get away.
Yeah, I've done it...
Part of this plan is the use of the nitrous oxide. It's been used several times and it does help me and the surgeon. My surgeon is aware of my history and works with me...

Usually I don't give it a second thought. Yesterday was different...I wanted those twelve seconds of float-in-feel-good. Wanted it. Was Happy I was going to have those few seconds.
It's the first time this has happened to me. My mind is usually geared towards the surgery and fighting my fears.

It shocked me so much that I wanted it that I didn't take the prescribed pain pills. Stupid of me, but I was mentally uncomfortable.
The surgeon called to follow up with me and was slightly POd that I had not taken the pain meds. As he pointed out, it was only making it worse--jaw clenching, etc. and it could increase the bleeding/slow down the healing.
About 4am, I took one and went into a restless sleep.
Another call from the surgeon late this morning to check on me...same pointed advice about taking the pills.
It was so hard for me to take them. The area was still oozing blood and my ear hurt, and I do not want to go through another surgery because of my hesitation about taking these pills.
The pills do not make me high. I get sleepy but have no feelings of being high/relaxed/etc..

They are narcotics, and after my happiness yesterday about the Twelve Second High, I don't want to take them.
I've a fairly good pain tolerance but oral surgery brings me to my knees.

I'm going round and round about this mess. I didn't think I was above wanting to feel high, but it's been a very long time since I've wanted it.
So it shocked me yesterday.

Right now I feel blue and damned if I do and damned if I don't concerning the pain meds.
If I can tough it out for the next few days...which will deprive me of sleep and that won't help anything.

I'm sharing about it because it's getting near the next dose. I felt like a failure this morning when I took them.

Cap

[splitimage]

Capp,

I hear you. But I say take the pills. My addictions Dr. always tells our group that if you are taking narcotics as prescribed by a Dr., and taking them exactly as prescribed, then you are not abusing them and have not relapsed.

Not taking the pills is likely to delay your recovery which won't help you or anyone else.

I understand your fear, after the thoughts of getting high and wanting it. It may be a long time for you since you've last thought of getting high, but I believe the impulse is always there lurking. But from reading your posts I sense that you're pretty solid in your recovery and so a medical procedure, even if you enjoyed it, shouldn't be regarded as a slip. Maybe think of it as a wake up call to be attentive to things like this.

Just my 2 cents.

--splitimage

[madisgram]

hi cap, was going to read but saw your post. glad you shared. think we all protect our sobriety especially when the bells and whistles go off. a good thing to do. i believe from your posts that u are in a 12 step program of recovery. still got those phone numbers? call a few and talk about it. it will help. make a meeting if u feel up to it and share. we all have these moments. u've got a healthy fear about where all this stuff can take us, so i think you'll be just fine. and if a higher power is in your life...throw up some prayers. they always help me.
i had spinal fusion surgery in 2004. i didn't know until after the operation and i was home that they had to give me tons of morphine. i was terrified hearing that. i too had not wanted to take pain meds at home but this op required that i do. everything turned out a-ok.
sending gentle hugs and hope you are on the mend real soon.

[Capp]

Thank you for your support and encouragement. I sincerely appreciate it!

My concern was concentrated on my delight about those twelve seconds of floating in feel good. Several surgeries of various kinds have not led me to looking forward to any type of sedation, seeking that "lift," or changing the dosing schedule. I've been fortunate in not having a problem with meds associated with my pain issues, and I'm very, very grateful for it.
Yes, I am fiercely protective of my sobriety--as I've said 3,908 times

It does lurk as you put it, splitimage.
Perhaps my experience will also help others to understand it.
Time in any recovery program does not guarantee the loss of temptation, it might make us more aware of its patience and take measures to handle it.

Still...
I'm not bashing myself about it. It's a learning experience for myself and hopefully for others.

madisgram, yeah, all those things were in place. I try my best to be careful, do the meetings, etc..
It's not been a problem so far about stopping any of them. If anything I am glad to be off them.

Honestly? I think it was a well placed kick in the butt and out of complacency.

Cap

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by Capp

Thank you for your support and encouragement. I sincerely appreciate it!

Honestly? I think it was a well placed kick in the butt and out of complacency.

Cap

"powerful, baflling, and insidious..."
your post will help all of us to be ever vigilant.

[Capp]

Feeling better today from the surgery and from my twelve second fright...
Off the narcotics and on Tylenol and a baby aspirin.

Emotionally, I feel all right.
It was a humbling experience to so strongly want those seconds of float-in-feel-good. Humbling but worth the gratitude that came from it..
It reminded me of suddenly getting an intense itch in an unreachable place...

Fortunately my Senior second didn't turn into Senior hours of drinking or using.
Age, years or program time, is not any type of guarantee.

Cap

[Raynaadi]

Hi Cap,

I haven't been down in these parts in awhile so I was really glad I checked it tonight to find this thread. I don't have much to add except to agree that the 12 seconds was a reminder. As I was reading your first post, I thought about any time I have a drinking dream. It always makes me look at my program and really take a look at what I might be scrimping on. This is reminding me that I had a pot smoking dream the other night and have not talked to my sponsor about it. I always talk to her when these dreams take place. Its funy, the drinking dreams are always insane, like drinking beer out of milk jugs and trying to keep it away from newcomers. But the pot dreams are SO real. And pot was never my thing. But man, I can smell it, taste it, feel it in my lungs in these dreams. So I need to remember to talk to my sponsor about the recent one.

Also, I was chatting with someone online who was smoking it and for a second, I was jeasous. That reminds me of your sudden anxiousness to enjoy those 12 seconds of floating. Sometimes, when I don't eat and then drink lots of caffeine, I get all light headed and almost like it.

I don't think any of this ever totally goes away, and I for one, am grateful for those mental slips, because if I take action on it, it keeps me from a relapse.

Thank you for sharing Cap. Hope you're feeling better.

Hugs,
Rayna

[multipixie9]

i am in a relapse. i have chronic pain issues that make wearing a pain patch necessary. my doctor finally had to add some pills due to breakthrough pain. i am in emotional pain and used my meds to alter my feelings and mood. i am not in a program due to landing in some abuse in program and having a damnable habit of picking abusive sponsors. i do not know what i will do about this since i've was sober for 5 1/2 years and left my program due to all the garbage going on in it. look where isolation has gotten me though i am in therapy for childhood abuse. damn. for today all i can do is get honest. i am in a relapse. i hate myself.

dear (((capp))) I had dentail surgery in sept. I do not have a addiction problem
But i do understand your concern on taking the meds.
I think I drove the dentist nutty as I was so stubborn on taking them.
It went on for weeks. To tell you the truth I did at one point have to come home and take a whole pill. I was in pain before the novacain wore off
I know i fought it and fought it. Because it went on so long I agreed to take a quarter of one LOLOLOL He was like thats better than nothing
They do still hurt some as he said it would be up till 6 mths for it to be gone all the way. I do not take anything now for it.
Do as your dentsit say s if you can
My daughter goes thursday has to be put out sedated, They are doing 5 hours or more of work all at one time. I am not looking forward to it. Her b/f is coming to help me with her.
Because of our past family historys her and I are very careful . I understand your concern.
sorry i kinda rambled again LOLOL

Hope you are feeling better
muffy

[Capp]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

i am in a relapse. i have chronic pain issues that make wearing a pain patch necessary. my doctor finally had to add some pills due to breakthrough pain. i am in emotional pain and used my meds to alter my feelings and mood. i am not in a program due to landing in some abuse in program and having a damnable habit of picking abusive sponsors. i do not know what i will do about this since i've was sober for 5 1/2 years and left my program due to all the garbage going on in it. look where isolation has gotten me though i am in therapy for childhood abuse. damn. for today all i can do is get honest. i am in a relapse. i hate myself.

Please, please--Do Not Hate Yourself!
There is no reason for beating yourself up...at any given moment we are doing the best we can.
I think it's damn good that you are being honest with yourself, and sharing with us.
It takes courage to do these things.

Abusive sponsors are not the norm in any program, but unfortunately they do exist. Perhaps as you ease back into a program it will be easier for you to spot one so you can stay away from them.
BTW, an abusive sponsor is not sober; they are dry. There's a bid difference between standing with someone getting sober and belittling their efforts.
Seek another one that will encourage you...
In all fairness, there are some folks who are comfortable with a brash and pushy sponsor. Because you need a different type of sponsor doesn't mean you are a failure.

I relate to the chronic pain issues. It's walking a fine line, isn't it? We need relief yet we need to be careful with our drugs. Like any other drug, it's trial and error to find one that works without dragging us down.

Chronic pain syndrome presents many symptoms, but there are some useful treatments being used and more being tested...please don't give up.
You can do this, multipixie. But getting down on yourself is not going to help in any way.

Keep posting, stop beating yourself up, get back into a program...anything to help you get through another 24 hours.
Perhaps speaking with your T will give you some good suggestions.

Early in my recovery I also had a mean-spirited sponsor; one I fired because I knew they were not right for me. Doing so led me to the most wonderful sponsors. They didn't take any BS from me, yet they were by my side every step of the way...and they still are.

Peace and Power,
Cap

[Capp]

muffy, thanks for sharing.

I wish your daughter luck with her surgery! One of the oral surgeries last year lasted five hours also. Frankly it was because my dentist (at the time) got in over his head. He should have referred me to the oral surgeon...
I hope she does all right, and her recovery is uneventful.

Wednesday is my post op. I'm expecting a good report
I'm been off the narcotics, and most likely won't need them if the work is done...which would be so wonderful.
I am so tired of my body being cut on in some/any way.

I ramble, too

Cap