Sigh.... okay, here goes... I hope that you guys don't all hate me for this.

I have managed to get very addicted to tylenol 1's. They are OTC here in canada and the drugstore doesn't monitor how much you use. It started slowly, the doc told me to take them for chronic pain condition(fibromyalgia + Degenerative discs disease in my lumbar spine) and thus, i began taking them.

Im not quite sure when I got addicted, I just know that suddenly I wasn't getting releif from the regular dose, and figured since it was weaker than tylenol 3, i could take as much to equal a dose of T3. Then that became not any good, and i upped it again. I've managed to get to a very high dose - the equivalent of about six t3's all at once when i dose. That doesn't sound like alot but its ALOT of tylenol and I know its doing damage to my liver.

I have an ENORMOUS amount of guilt, because I do them when my son is still here, albeit he is sleeping.. And i don't get obliterated, just a little motivation and energy to get me through the night. Does this make me a bad mother? I sure feel like it sometimes.

Why am I doing it? I know why Im doing it. For two reasons - One being it gives me a rush of energy and motivation thats sort of like being slightly manic. I am tired and exhausted all the time and a little lift like this is just what the doctor ordered(pun intended) to get me through a rough night or day. The other reason is now im so embroiled that if i dont take them i get serious sick withdrawls.. picture the worst stomach flu ever, and you will know what i go through.

So why don't i just stop? Seems simple, right? Oh but its NOT simple at ALL. Because if i stop, i suffer serious pain, and I am almost unable to walk i get so sore. Plus if i stop the depression/fatigue comes roaring back and i am left with no energy to get through the day.

Tonight i took too many pills (dont worry, not enough to seriously harm me - but too many nonetheless) and now I am in panic mode. The caffeine in the pills has made me VERY anxious. And has made me feel a new conviction to get OFF these pills. So this is my first step, posting here, to figure out how the hell i do this with a chronic pain condition on top of everything.

Hell, this is not what I signed up for!! I want off the rollercoaster now kplzthx.

For those who listened and post, thank you! I appreciate your care. If you don't know what to say, hugs are appreciated to know people out there understand.

Thanks you guys. Im sorry to have let you all down. I am trying to fix this very hard.

[bebop]

bowzz honey you made a huge first step. I thank you and applaud you for that! now to deal with this addiction hon. don't try to go off them cold turkey. instead of 3 take 2. you are going to have to wean yourself off them. yes they are damaging your body. you don't need to do that being a mama. lil jeremy needs you to be healthy. remember to cut down 1 per dose. we still love you very much hon.

[BlueFaith]

((( bowzz ))) Yes, you have made a huge first step. You're on the right track. I believe in you and I know you can do this. I'm here for whatever you need... just to listen, or scream.. yell... vent... whatever. I've never been addicted to anything, so I can't say I understand what you're going through. But, just know that I have so much faith in you... you'll get through this, and not just for yourself, but for that precious baby you have.

Oh be I just love you! thank you.. you are so right in that I need to come off slowly. It is hard because i have to keep this somewhat hidden as my family would pull stunts on me if they knew. I am going to try to come off with the help of PC and the help of local AA/NA crisis lines, and failing that I will turn to the doc, though i really do not want to.

I am feeling better, thankfully, but still very convinced that i want OFF this ride.

Jenn!!! You thought of me even with all you are going through, bless your heart, i love you to peices. Its ok that you don't know what addiction is like, in fact im GLAD you don't. Just that you have showed me love here means so so much to me. Im sure that I will need to vent, scream, and cry in the next little while so I will definetly remember you, lol!

[PleaseHelp]

A little slip up is no reason to hate you. We LOVE you! The fact that you can come out and talk about it is a huge step.

You know I'm here if you need me. And I agree with Be, got to do it slow!

Love & hugs

[madisgram]

you are worthy of being "fixed", as you put it, and have shown courage and honesty with your post!!! hugs to you

PH, I love you so much!!! You are such a good freind to stand by me in my hour of need. Thank you for reminding me this is not the end of everything and I CAN do this. It means so much to me!!

madis, thank you for reminding me that I am worth getting better. Thats something thats obviously been hard for me to see. Thank you for your post!!

[splitimage]

((((Rainbowzz))))

It's so good to see you posting. I've been thinking about you. Remember you kicked much harder drugs when you got pregnant with Jeremy, you can beat this too. I know it's hard and withdrawl absolutely sucks, so I agree with the advice to taper off slowly. Yes you'll feel like **** short term, but you'll get through it & you're definitely worth it.

Remember Tylenol can seriously mess up your liver, so that's another good reason to get off them, plus you want to be there to be a Mom to Jeremy.

I'm rooting for you.

--splitimage

(((splitimage))))

Thank you for thinking of me. I have been thinking of you too but just have been so guilty and wrapped up in my own issues I haven't messaged you and I apologize for that.

Thats what I am focusing on.. if I can kick the harder stuff I should be able to kick this.. and your right, slowly is the key here so I don't get miserably sick.. because that will just result in me messing up.

Thank you for posting to me.. love you to peices!

((((((((((((((((((((((((Rainbowzz))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I was right where you are a couple of months ago. You are so brave to admit to yourself that it's a problem - and then to admit it here, too

When I came off of everything, I did it cold turkey, and it SUCKED. The withdrawals were horrible, and it was scary. If you can do it by tapering down, do it. I couldn't do it that way...I knew if I kept putting it in my system, I would want more, more, more. That's me, though, Ms. Black and White thinking!

((((((((((((((((((((((((Rainbowzz))))))))))))))))))))))))) Don't be afraid to go to your doctor if you need to. The most important thing is for you to get healthy for your baby and for YOU.

Sending many

[nowheretorun]

((((Bowzz)))) i just read your post and i'm sorry for missing it earlier... you are in no way a bad person! you are very kind and dear and care very much for many others... you've come and given of your spirit and inspiration to help us all cope in our times here... you are not bad, you are responding in a healthy way to a troublesome situation and i am very proud of you... you have always been clean imo

[Lenny]

Being honest with ourselves Rainbow is hard. Our lives are so filled with illusion, instant gratification and pretending.

But to sit quietly with oneself and see for even a moment.."who we are"..can be frightening yes,,,but so profound in what doors it can open for us..

You have just had such a moment...And I am happy for you..

Now comes the action and it can only be tempered with shame..Please let that go..no one here or IRL has any right to throw stones...we are all perfectly imperfect...

We are here to encourage you...but it is your commitment to change and your Faith that will turn the corner..

With Respect,

Lenny

[Capp]

((Bowzz))
I'm new to this group, but not new to addiction.
I also applaud your courage in sharing here. Please don't beat yourself up for being human...

Just a thought, and I offer my apology for being nosy, but why isn't your physician giving you adequate pain control? It may be worth speaking to him about him, and also requesting a blood panel to check your liver enzymes.
I also am very careful about pain drugs, but there are some available that are non-addictive.
Another thought from my days of weaning; perhaps you can try doing it by half--instead of 3 take 2.5 until you see how it's going to affect you. Just please make sure they are "scored" or you may run into problems. If it's not scored, then do it a whole pill at a time.
Like everything else, it's baby steps.

Cap

Originally Posted by earthmama

((((((((((((((((((((((((Rainbowzz))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I was right where you are a couple of months ago. You are so brave to admit to yourself that it's a problem - and then to admit it here, too

When I came off of everything, I did it cold turkey, and it SUCKED. The withdrawals were horrible, and it was scary. If you can do it by tapering down, do it. I couldn't do it that way...I knew if I kept putting it in my system, I would want more, more, more. That's me, though, Ms. Black and White thinking!

((((((((((((((((((((((((Rainbowzz))))))))))))))))))))))))) Don't be afraid to go to your doctor if you need to. The most important thing is for you to get healthy for your baby and for YOU.

Sending many

Thank you for sharing this with me. Its been helpful to know that I am not alone, even though im sorry you are going through this yourself too. Much love and hugs!

Originally Posted by nowheretorun

((((Bowzz)))) i just read your post and i'm sorry for missing it earlier... you are in no way a bad person! you are very kind and dear and care very much for many others... you've come and given of your spirit and inspiration to help us all cope in our times here... you are not bad, you are responding in a healthy way to a troublesome situation and i am very proud of you... you have always been clean imo

How sweet of you nowhere. Its ok for missing it, I do that too sometimes. Thank you for saying I am not a bad person. It sure feels like it, but I know deep down you are right. Thank you for reminding me of that fact.. Just because I am struggling does not make me a bad person. Aww thank you for being proud! I am still struggling but making some progress.

Originally Posted by Lenny

Being honest with ourselves Rainbow is hard. Our lives are so filled with illusion, instant gratification and pretending.

But to sit quietly with oneself and see for even a moment.."who we are"..can be frightening yes,,,but so profound in what doors it can open for us..

You have just had such a moment...And I am happy for you..

Now comes the action and it can only be tempered with shame..Please let that go..no one here or IRL has any right to throw stones...we are all perfectly imperfect...

We are here to encourage you...but it is your commitment to change and your Faith that will turn the corner..

With Respect,

Lenny

Lenny, bless you! You are right, it does come with shame, but I have to get past that and not allow it to keep me in hiding. That is the hardest part. These drugs just get such a hold on you, i have the break the cycle.. Albeit slowly. Making some progress, its sort of two forward and one back right now so its slow but its going somewhere. Thank you for your post.

Originally Posted by Capp

((Bowzz))
I'm new to this group, but not new to addiction.
I also applaud your courage in sharing here. Please don't beat yourself up for being human...

Just a thought, and I offer my apology for being nosy, but why isn't your physician giving you adequate pain control? It may be worth speaking to him about him, and also requesting a blood panel to check your liver enzymes.
I also am very careful about pain drugs, but there are some available that are non-addictive.
Another thought from my days of weaning; perhaps you can try doing it by half--instead of 3 take 2.5 until you see how it's going to affect you. Just please make sure they are "scored" or you may run into problems. If it's not scored, then do it a whole pill at a time.
Like everything else, it's baby steps.

Cap

Capp, the funny thing is I am not receiving adequate pain control because the doctor fears i might get addicted!! Isint that a kicker? I ended up addicted anyways.. I have tried the non narcotic options and didn't get much releif, but I dont know if that is in my head or not.

The pills aren't scored, so im working on going down by one pill a day. So far it is two steps forward and one back, so slow progress, but progress nonetheless.. Thank you for your post!

[nowheretorun]

Originally Posted by Rainbowzz

How sweet of you nowhere. Its ok for missing it, I do that too sometimes. Thank you for saying I am not a bad person. It sure feels like it, but I know deep down you are right. Thank you for reminding me of that fact.. Just because I am struggling does not make me a bad person. Aww thank you for being proud! I am still struggling but making some progress.

((Bowzz))))) you will always be in my heart... once i read your first words here i became attached in a caring and sister friend way.. you can pm me anytime

[silentandscared]

(((((((((((((rainbowzz))))))))))))))))

What a brave first step.......we will not hate you or judge you but
what we will do is
Be here to support you
Be here to show you love and understanding
Be here to lissten through the bad days
Be here to remind you
You are not alone and we are here with you all the way

The advice to do this slowly is so right , if dropping a whole tablet is too much of a shock to the sytem then try half a tablet dropped each time. Remember you need good self care
rest when you can
eat well
do things that you enjoy when energy up
and when time sare hard
STOP look at your beautiful precious son and remind yourself
I CAN DO THIS, I WANT TOO AND I WILL

Alwya here if you should ever need an ear
Mandyxx

[nowheretorun]

Originally Posted by silentandscared

(((((((((((((rainbowzz))))))))))))))))

What a brave first step.......we will not hate you or judge you but
what we will do is
Be here to support you
Be here to show you love and understanding
Be here to lissten through the bad days
Be here to remind you
You are not alone and we are here with you all the way

The advice to do this slowly is so right , if dropping a whole tablet is too much of a shock to the sytem then try half a tablet dropped each time. Remember you need good self care
rest when you can
eat well
do things that you enjoy when energy up
and when time sare hard
STOP look at your beautiful precious son and remind yourself
I CAN DO THIS, I WANT TOO AND I WILL

Alwya here if you should ever need an ear
Mandyxx

((((Rainbowzz))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

Sweetheart! Here's a partial answer to your post. Don't forget you've got THE strongest weapon at your disposal; prayer.

I'm [You're] looking at a child forgiven
I'm [You're] looking at a soul set free
I'm [You're} looking at a pardoned prison'r who's walking now in liberty

What you're seeing now is a happy, happy child set free
Now what you see is not a perfect person
What you see is not a faultless soul
What you see is someone that Was broken until the hand of God made me whole
What you see is not a finished product
What you see might sometimes miss the mark
But I know my Father's eyes see only His sweet prize
A happy, happy child set free!

(Rain))))))))))))))))))))) please know you are not a bad person
I am very proud you wrote it out
Be kind to you
This happens to alot of ppl you are not alone
My sister went threw this along with coke and drinking withdrawl
She said the Codine was one of the hardest parts
But she made it. She did go into rehad because of all the other stuff
If you find you can not do it. Try a rehab place as they will help with the withdrawl
Your doing great ((((((rain))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
muffy

[multipixie9]

hi rainbow,

i just read this thread. normally i am not in this part of pc, but i finally had to admit that i am abusing the painkillers prescribed to me. i had 5 1/2 years sobriety and the doc. began to give me some pain meds to help becuase i have bone on bone arthritis in both knees and fibromyalgia.

so, i do understand the struggle with pain and addiction and "wanting so much just to function" that i got addicted. it wasn't that i just wanted to be "high", i just wanted to be normal and do my chores and things that need doing.

OK, so that is background and here's what i really wrote to tell you. When a person gets addicted to pain killers they seem to work less well and so you keep upping your dosage. well, here's the deal the more pills you take the less well your body gets help from them. so when you finally get off of the codeine in the pills you will find your pain levels go down. the fear in going off is that you will hurt too bad to do anything at all. it doesn't happen that way, you actually begin to feel better than when you were overdoing it.

if you have insurance, at some point it may be helpful to go back to the doctor and just tell him the pain is getting too bad to cope and see if there are pain-management courses you can take to help you manage your life better.

you are showing some real courage and character to recognize what you are doing and calling it what it is and not lying to yourself. i am rooting for you to be able to kick the habit and find another way to deal with your pain issues.

see you around,

leslie and the pixies