[StargazerLily]

yeah..try taking a standardized test, the one test that i HAVE to take to graduate. one of the tests that i HAVE to pass to get out of school, or else. yeah, i showed up with a hangover..woohoo. passed out for the first 2 hours, finished 3 hours late. good job me. almost overslept last nite..half a bottle of vodka and half a box of benadryl. told this to someone and they wondered how in the hell am i still alive? hehe..i'm superhuman.. stupid me

Any particular reason you do this to yourself? Here's a piece of advise, take it or leave it, it's up to you. From the point of view of a recovering drug addict, I can tell you that the path you're on is very self destructive. You might not think it because no teenager ever does. When I was in my teens, I thought I was invincible and I'd never let addiction take hold of me. Turns out I was so very wrong. It's one thing to party and experiment. It's another thing to abuse these drugs/alcohol that have the ability to take our lives. I'm not trying to harp on you at all so please don't take this the wrong way. I hope that you will take care of yourself.

Ryan

[BamaSurvivor]

starbright, I'm 18 years old and the day I was supposed to go in for my GED test, I was asleep... Why? Because my alcoholism had me blinded and thinking everything would be fine. I didn't need no stinkin' deplomia! I had my booze and I had my boozin' friends, why get an education when you can have so much fun! WRONG!

I finally got my GED, but not without admitting to myself first that I was powerless over my drinking and using and only God (of my understanding) could restore me to sanity. Sounds easy, huh? It took me MONTHS to finally turn my life over to my Higher Power and admit my powerlessness. Admitting you are powerless over anything in your life is hard enough to do as is, especially for a drug addict... I had lied and munipulated so much to others, that I started doing it to myself just so I didn't have to get on the right track. Wasn't the fact that I couldn't do it, it was a matter of me CHOOSING my path, and I'll be darned if I'm letting anything or anyone else control my life but me! ... That was my thoughts. That was my addiction speaking loud and clear to me daily. It took many alcohol poisonings, two overdoses, and being raped to finally get me to the point of saying, "Ok, enough is enough. I think it's time."... I really, truely hope it doesn't take that or worse for you to realize your problem with drugs/alcohol is really there, regardless of you thinking it's under control. The longer you wait to get help, the harder times will get, sadly. Best of luck to you.

[StargazerLily]

okay..rem..thing is, yeah, it is self destructive. that was the point. just testing to see how much of something would do what. and apparently, it just knocks me out for a few hours. it's not like i'm doing anything illegal. haven't found anything in otc meds that are addictive. anyways..just a weak attempt at something that will never happen for me..just yet.

and bama, i don't know what to say to you. i don't see myself as a drug addict or an alcoholic, well not anymore. if anything, i binge drink. that's all. gah..nvm. like i said, i don't know what to say to you. so i'm done now..silly me. feeling sick anyways.

[BamaSurvivor]

star, please don't think I'm trying to 'jump' on you, but something you posted stuck out to me loud and clear... Are you 21 years of age or older? If not, you posted, "It's not like I'm doing anything illegal." Well, if you're not 21 or older, then yes, the drinking is illegal. If you were to walk out in public and a cop seen you and thought you may be intoxicated, not only would you go to jail for PI, but you'd also go for drinking while still a minor. Also, half a box of Benadryl would be considered illegal. You weren't taking them for a cold or cough or anything, and you took WAY over the legal consumption, so that makes it illegal...

I'm not saying you are an addict. That's up to you whenever you are ready to admit to yourself whether the addiction is there or not. I'm simply saying as active drug addicts, we make excuses for our drinking and/or using so that in our own mind, it will be ok. In my journal, I wrote a lot of things in there during my active addiction that now I look at and realize I was making myself believe drinking and using was ok, so I didn't have to stop. I lied and munipulated myself more than I could even imagine doing to the others around me, and I did that a lot to them.

They say for addicts, it's the first drink that gets us drunk... Why? Because we can't stop at just one drink. We have to go until we get good and drunk. Doesn't matter if you do it daily or just once or twice a week, if you can't control the drinking while doing it, there's a problem.

[StargazerLily]

i see what you are saying. i understand that. but i don't drink so much. when i do, my parents know. they're the suppliers, so at that point, i don't have issues. and..there are legal amounts of taking otc meds?

[BamaSurvivor]

I'd be really careful who you tell about your parents buying you alcohol. If it gets to the wrong person who tells their parent, your parents will be in deep poop for contributing alcohol to a minor.

Cough syrup and other medications that have that same effect can give you a drunken sort of feeling if taken inappropriately. So yeah, it can have that same effect as alcohol if going out in public and you get caught. A LOT of alcoholics who can't get ahold of real beer/liqour because of money, transpertation, etc, etc go for the other stuff... One man died a couple months ago from drinking a whole gallon of Pinesaw (sp?) because it was only 2 dollars at the dollar store and he didn't have enough for real booze. It happens...

[shadowalker164]

Starbright…
Why are you here?
People normally don’t show up in places like this by accident.
I don’t know you from Adam, but a blind man could see pain all over your post.

There is a part of my mind that thinks up all kinds of excuses for my sorry behavior, and there is another insane part of my mind that buys all that crap.

You’re not here by mistake.

There is another part of my mind that knew that all my excuses were just what they were, bulls***. I got a feeling there is that same part of your mind telling you the same thing.
Pull the plug on yourself now or pull the plug on yourself later, the only thing I know for sure is it ain’t never gonna get any better than it is right now. Over any length of time, it just gets harder and harder. And from what I read, it don’t sound like it’s much fun right now.

There are a lot of supportive voices here, and they will offer you words of comfort. And God bless them for it. But I’m here to tell you that you are in deeper doo doo than even you believe.

Again Starbright you are not here by mistake.

Richard S.

[StargazerLily]

Bama..I'm not drinking cough syrup, I'm taking pills. I assure you I get no high off of it. Usually take some benadryl to sleep, but that doesn't work anymore, so I took a box last night and not feeling so hot today. So I don't feel that applies here, but that's my screwed up opinion.

shadow, Why am I where? This site? This Earth? Anywhere at all? The only thing I could possibly answer is to the site, and that is irrelevant. I know it doesn't get any better over time. Getting better isn't my objective, or I'd maybe make some sort of effort. But I'm giving up, throwing down what I got, and it's not being fair.

Well I'm done, don't know what else to say except oww..my tummy aches. Later..

~Kayleigh

[BamaSurvivor]

If I knew how to do the private messages here, I'd send you all my contact information in a heartbeat, star. I've been in your shoes... I don't know what's lead you to feel such sorrow and loneliness, but I've felt those feelings too. The many suicide attemps, having my stomach pumped time after time from trying to OD on pills, the boozin' day in and day out and smoking all the crack and meth I possibly could, all to take away the pain I didn't want to face... I didn't want to face REALITY. I don't know much else to tell you other than you're not alone in this battle and you're definately not alone in the denial. My arms are open if you need to feel warmth instead of the cold hallowness we often feel. I'll fight any battle with you that you need help fighting, but you gotta want to help fight the battle, too. (((huggz if wanted)))

[StargazerLily]

btw..thanks bama.

anyways..

denial? denial of what? just curiosity.

well..i'll be out of pills anyways in a few days. that's my goal by now. just to get rid of 'em so it doesn't kill me. wouldn't want me to be too happy. so, yeah, i'm fine. i don't need help with anything

thanks for the (((((hugs)))))

~Kayleigh

[StargazerLily]

Okay, so all my stuff is gone..b/c I took it all. So what? So I had to go to the doc today b/c I was coughing up blood..hmm..don't know why though. So the geniuses they are send me home with a handful of bottles of painkillers and a pat on the back. Geniuses..

~Kayleigh

[shadowalker164]

Kayleigh….
How can it be that you don’t know why you are coughing up blood?
How can it be that you took that handful of painkillers from those geniuses, and trotted home with them?
How can it be that you ask the question, Denial? Denial of what?
You strike me as a bright woman, too bright to fool yourself that way.
Will you even entertain just for a moment the idea that you are in the grip of an obsession far more powerful than yourself?

Again, I tell you, you are not here by mistake.

Richard S.

[StargazerLily]

Hello Richard..
Doc said don't worry about it too much. Something in my throat. There is no pain so how am I supposed to know?
Why can't I take prescribed painkillers from a Doc?
And, yes, I ask about denial. What am I denying?
I seem bright to you? You don't know me, so I wouldn't make that assumption.
Not a second of my life will I have the slightest thought that this may be an obsession, something stronger than I am, something I can't control, because it isn't.

I'm not here by mistake, you say? Then why am I?

Thanks..

~Kayleigh

[BamaSurvivor]

Well I used to be prescribed pain pills every 3 months, but that doesn't mean it was legal. I abused those drugs, but at the time I thought it was ok because a doctor gave them to me, so it was no big deal, ya know? WRONG. The moment I started abusing them and not taking them "as directed", is the moment it became illegal and wrong.

Denial and fooling other people is an addicts best traits. We can fool ourselves into believing we don't have a problem (Denial) and we can usually get away with fooling others, for so long...

A very wise man in NA once told me, "An addict can't lie to an addict." Meaning, no matter how much you try covering your tracks or how smooth you go about doing things in active addiction, other addicts more than likely know... Because we once did the same things, too.

Why are you here? Hmm, because you logged in, came to this forum of all forums, and posted about drugs you are/have taken. For the most part, this thread is revolved around drug addicts or recovering addicts/alcoholics. there's a 99.999% chance you knew this, and even if subcontiously, it was a cry for help. Maybe you've gotten scared and started the denial full fledged again, I don't know, only you do... But in your original first post, it had 'i want help' written all over it.

[shadowalker164]

Bama…
Bingo!
You got that little girl pegged.
As they told me,
you can’t bulls*** a bulls***er.

You’re here on purpose Starbright, you know it, anyone who reads this knows it.
And it’s a right thing.

On the road to the good stuff,
Richard S.

[StargazerLily]

Well..

I was thinking about this last night because, yet again, I couldn't sleep. So..turns out I figure somethings out for myself. I swear it, it's not an obsession, it's not an addiction. For me, all it is, is another thing to turn to when I can't SI. When the harm needs to be more severe than just a cut, something a little more life threatening. That's all. That's what I think and the bell just rang so catch up with y'all later.

~Kayleigh

[BamaSurvivor]

Starbright, have you ever heard the term, "Substituting one addictoin for another"? I'm a cutter/burner, and I know the struggle of cutting and the urges to cut when you don't want to... Do you realize SI is a form of addiction? It's just like drugs, it's temporarily fixes the emotional problems we are going through and gives us a sense of peace. By doing drugs to keep from cutting is only substituting the original addiction you have, which is SI.

I've sent you my information, as you know... I will do anything I possibly can from where I'm at to help you if you want the help. Reading your posts, I see me from not that long ago... Yeah, I still occasionally SI and I'm still working on it everyday to get better, but what I do know is subing your original addiction for something equally as harmful isn't doing you any good; emotionally, physically, or mentally. Please think about it.

[StargazerLily]

I know that's what I'm doing. I do other things too in place of cutting. I've been aware of this. If it gets my mind off of what I don't want to think or feel, I'll do it. And, yeah, I know, it's not good for me. But it's all I got right now to keep me semi-sane for the time being. With my situation still living with my parents, there's nothing I can do. Other things need to be solved, I think, before I'll be able to quit. Because, I just don't have a reason.

Thanks, though..

~Kayleigh

[BamaSurvivor]

I can understand where you're coming from, I've been in the same position before too. It's hard to stop something that makes you feel better, yet it's harmful, when you don't really care that much about yourself. I think if you could somehow come to terms with YOURSELF and learn how to love you and realize you can't change anyone or their actions, only your own, then the healing will be possible.

[StargazerLily]

I know, I know. But I'm having fun. Going out to lunch today with an old drinking buddy of mine, maybe he'll buy me something.

..Love that all my friends are 21 or older..yay

~Kayleigh

[BamaSurvivor]

Does that 21 or older friend know that giving alcohol to a minor can land him in jail? Does that 'friend' know you have a problem with alcohol or anything that alters your mind? Does he know that real friends try helping the situation, not harm it? Just something to ponder.

[StargazerLily]

He knows he can get into trouble for that. But there's worse things he could do. He's almost been arrested before for being friends with me, so we know the risks, but it's all good. I'm not trying to get him arrested, just have a good time. And, no, he doesn't know that when I drink, I drink *too* much.

~Kayleigh

[StargazerLily]

Anyways, what I meant to say this morning when I logged on..
(the bell rang, had no time and had to go to class, grrr)

I don't feel safe with myself anymore. I don't know what to do at all. I have a pocket full of blades and all my meds are in my bag. I dunno what to do. I've been suicidal the past few weeks or so, but I'm not sure I want the outcome of that action. I don't entirely want to, but it's getting harder and harder to resist. I dunno what I'll do..

~Kayleigh