struggling a lot at the moment TRIGGER possible

I have been clean and sober since dec 3 rd 2008 . I know its not a long time , but for me its a lifetime. I have used a variety of different things over the past 30 yrs to avoid life , and although i have had some sober times in the past , this is the first time that i have recognized that i was an addict. Back in 2007 i did a 6 week stint in IOP that was sort of successful , but after 8 months i relapsed, and since then had gone back to using , probably more than ever. In dec of last yr i decided i had to stop yet again , and have done very well , that is up till this past thursday.
My mom is disabled and lives with me . On thursday of last week she had a surgical procedure and was sent home that same day , but sent home with very powerful pain pills (one of my many drugs of choice) . She is unable to get the meds herself , therefore needs my assistance . Anyway since having these meds in the house it has been hell . The first day i tried to do the right thing , but by friday i had stashed 2 of her pills . Since then i have 5 more stashed (so far in the last 2 days she hasnt needed any pain meds and there are about 25 remaining in the script) . I have these pills stashed for one reason and one resaon only .. to use them . But at the same time i dont want to lose my clean time . I dont want to go back to my old habits. On this "quit" i have done this totally on my own , but last night i was so afraid that i would use some of the meds that i decided to look up a number to call NA and did just that . I made it through last night , but now i am struggling once again ... really bad. The lady i talked to last night said that there was a meeting today about 30 miles away and she will meet me and go with me to it , but its not till 8 pm , and thats another 8 hours away! I know the easy solution is to put the meds back and not take them , but its just not that easy. I have such a sense of comfort just knowing that i have something , just in case. UGH I DO NOT WANT TO USE!!!!!

Congrats on your sobriety, it doesn't matter if you've been clean for a month or just 1 day, it's still something to be proud of.

It's got to be so hard on you, the situation you're in right now. Reaching out to others for help is the best thing to do -- you're on the right track. I know how hard it is to see those pills, the impulse is almost over powering. I'm glad you are going to that meeting, hopefully it will stomp out that ugly little addiction demon and renew your strength.

Perhaps you can distract yourself by staying on this site most of the day until you leave for the meeting. That's what I do when I'm having a really bad time. If you need someone to talk to (live), there are always the chat rooms. What I do is make a pest of myself, I instant message, leave visitor messages, respond to posts and start new threads. Sometimes I look at the archived posts from 2 or 3 months ago, just to keep my mind distracted.

Don't give in to that ugly little demon, you must fight!!!

First, CONGRATULATIONS on your quit!!!
You're doing exactly the right thing - calling for a NA member; and making plans to go to a meeing. And also, coming here to tell what you've done.
BRAVO!!!
We are only as sick as our secrets!

My son is an addict. I know your sickness from his life; and what it's done to our lives. And you are doing so well, I KNOW you don't want to go back to that life again.

That junkie voice is calling.
You do NOT have to heed the call!

Keep yourself busy. Your behaviors will make all the difference right now. And you CAN make it through these next few hours!
We are HERE for you!

What can you do right now?
Do you have to stay home? Can you get out and go to a gym or go for a walk or a bike ride or do something that will let you be physically active? That will let your brain fill with endorphins - the "natural" high that our bodies and nature intend; that is actually good for you.

If you cannot go out, do you meditate? Do yoga? Pray?
How about cleaning out that closet that's been a mess all winter?
The basement? The kitchen junk drawer?
Do the bills.
In short, keep busy.

Do whatever you have to do to stay occupied.

The other poster made some good ideas too. Go to the chat. Read some of the older posts. If you need to, call an emergency hotline. But, keep yourself safe, please.

You are a child of G*D, and you deserve all that is good in the world.
Believe that.

And get rid of the pills.
You don't need them.
They will only be a downward pull for you.
And, you know that, now, don't you...
Said with total love and understanding.

Please, be gentle with yourself.
And let us know how you're doing.
We care.

Peace

Thank you both so much . I am still here and still really struggling , but its getting closer to time to get ready to go to the meeting too.

my3sns,
Keep up the good work--not using. It's hard, it stinks, it's a seductive call back to a life that cannot be called life, call it Hades for that suits it better.
You've made it for the last few hours, and I applaud your sticking to it. A few more hours to the meeting...

Also, Thank You for helping me to stay sober and clean.
The anguish you are experiencing reminds me of the despair and hopelessness that I experienced...
Most of my days are good and I'm very grateful for them. The days that I hear that "Call" is when I call my sponsor, get to a meeting, and distract myself.

Your mother doesn't require these pain meds any longer?
Flush Them Down The Toilet.
Yes, it's asking a lot.
Yes, it will be hard to do
Yes, you might cry while doing it
Do It Anyway

If you feel it would be too tempting to do it, get a friend to do it...but there is power in being able to do it yourself.

You can do this m3sns.

Cap

Are you getting ready for the meeting my3sns?

How are you doing?
Sorry I had to go out, but, please know, I had you in my thoughts and prayers. I do hope that you took caps' advice and flushed those plls down the drain. Better yet, burn them. That way, they don't contaminate the drinking water. (Yes, this is a real problem. My pharmacist told me to do this with my mom's medication when she passed away last August.)

I look forward to hearing from you, either before or after the meeting. I hope to hear that all is well.

Peace!

my3sns?
How are you doing?
Are you still around?

We'd love to hear about how the meeting went last night...
And what you did with your disease...
We care.

Peace!

Well sorry it has taken me some time to get back to this thread. I have been doing ok And i did make that meeting as well as many more since . I didnt get rid of the meds right away , but on monday of last week i did finally dispose of them , that was hard to do! Since then i have been going to meetings every night and i still hanging in there , but sometimes just by a thread. After going to meetings i found that i actually misspoke in my original post .. the last date that i used was dec 3 rd , so my clean date is actually the 4th. Right at the moment i am struggling with missing that final hoorah i guess , for lack of better word. When i stopped using this time it was kind of uneventful . I went to T one day high as a kite . My T asked me if i was and i lied to her for the first time , and said no . She made some comment about there being no need to do therapy high or something , but i assured her that i was not (lied) . Anyway it really ate at me that afternoon that i had lied to her and i decided that that wasnt where i wanted to be , so i just didnt use. The following week i told her the truth and let her know since that meeting i had been clean. I have been clean since that day. You know its easy to forget the bad times when they are gone .. Like forgetting the pain of childbirth i guess lol. I havent talked in any meetings yet (well read the things at the begining of the meeting, but not shared) . Last night we had a celebration meeting for a lady with 12 yrs clean. She made a beach ball with lots of stuff on it and they threw it around the room for everyone to read what was facing them on the ball and share about that ... i got Make the call... And well i did talk a little about making that first call ugh . Anyway thanks for being here and listening . I am hanging in there just for today . I dont have a sponsor yet but thinking about asking one lady in the next few weeks .

Congratulations on getting rid of that junk!!!
And getting to the meeting; and thinking about getting a sponsor; and telling your therapist the truth and all the other "next right things" you are doing for yourself!!! It works if ya work it!

And thanks for updating this thread. I was wondering about how you were doing. I'm so glad to hear such good news.

Keep up the good work, and keep lettingus know how it's going.

Peace!

Bravo!

I really congratulate you on your post in hadling your situation appropriately when you were in a crisis. I hope your posts brings some insight and inspiration to someone else int eh same situation that may not have the courage to know wha tto di in a crisis. Take care. I hope the best for you in the future. Soidhonoia

I really congratulate you on your post in hadling your situation appropriately when you were in a crisis. I hope your posts brings some insight and inspiration to someone else in the same situation, that may not have the courage or skills needed to know what to do in a crisis. Take care. I hope the best for you in the future. Soidhonoia

you've made a big step by not using, by sharing about your thoughts of using with us, and then going to meetings. just take it a day at a time. a minute at a time if need be. those minutes add up. all you need to do is to stay in today and tomorrow will take care of itself. today you are a winner at life. i am so very happy for you.
know we are here for you and that i care about you. you are worthy of having a drug free life, of having your dreams fulfilled, and enjoying each day you are blessed with having. i made the decision to live a d and alcohol free life and i can tell you it was the absolute best decision i ever made.
many hugs to you and sending you lots of hope and prayers, jme.

My new sobriety date is Feb 27, 2009...after being sober for 8 years.

Being sober is the best thing that has ever happened to me....it gave me a life...before I was only existing. Still I had to test the waters...which doesn't make me a bad person...only still sick and need to keep that in the forefront...that we only have a daily repreive contingit on our spiritual condition. Pray for the willingness to get rid of all the pills that would led you to a relapse. You're stronger than you think you are...you had the strength to reach out here and to the NA helpline. Keep remembering where you came from and ask youself do you really want to live like that again? I know I don't so I'm making alot of meetings...talking to my sponsor and making new friends...to enlarge my support group. I wish you the best. Love and Peace, Kathy

I have soo been there, and sadly will probaly be there again whe I get off the methadone clinic. I was clean for a year and a half on my own but then something unspeakable happeneded to me, and I had to testify to put a man in jail who did something bad to me, If I had used I would have messed up the whole trial and he would be free right now. SO I went on the clinic, I an not sure if that was the right thing becasue I am trying to come of that and it sucks. I know for me I cant talk to any of my old drug buddies, cuz thats all they where no matter how long I knew them for. It is a trigger for me. I also think back to how I was, even keep the up to 60 rehab wrist bands to remind me of all the nasty places I have been, Remembering every time I walked out of there saying I would never be back. My husband and father ar not supportive, they think I can shake it off! In there words, That coming to my dad who did herion in vietnam, He came back went to a hotel and kicked it in 2 weeks, I was like good for you dad! You did drugs while fighting in a magor war, and did not knoe if you where gonna make it home anyway! It is so different than my kife which has revolved around drugs for 15 years, mainly opiates for about 8 years, That is when things went from bad to worse, That is when my mom passes away for cerosic of the liver from drinking, I turned in to a mess. anyway, I think anyone can do it if they put there mind to it, forget all the statistics, that say like only 10 or 20 % will make it, I dont believe all that. I wish you the best, if you ever want to chat, write me some time. DONT GIVE UP!!! Jillian hugs from all the people that care about you in your life, I know as addicts we tend to think people dont care, but they do, Jillian

Thank you everyone for your thoughts . Things have been busy as i dont know what , but i am holding on. Just got back from a couple of short vacations , so i havent been around to write anything earlier. I am still attending meetings and holding on to my clean date . Just for today! Take care all
Lisa