****

not sure what to say if anyone will see this
if anyone will understand or even care but i
just had to put it down somewhere i have an
ed been dx as beign anorexic by my pdoc and
a dr been anemic alot of times started listening
to people started eatign more than i think i really
should have ive gained alot of weight i see it im
gettign worse everyday but no one else seems to
see what i do plus i miss being able to say no to
it all it felt good the control i had my tight feeling
i had in my stomach and it wasnt that i liked being
anemic it just sort of meant something i know i
must sound sick in a way but i do miss alot of it
of what it was what it did for me who i was who i
know i am but no one else seems to liek that me
think part of me doesnt either really but a bigger
part of me does and its this part that just wants me
to say **** it all and just go back to what i know..
lex

Huh? I don't understand..you have an eating disorder diagnosed by a psychiatrist..then I lost it.

Lex,. you know I care a lot. A huge huge lot. I know it is an excruciating struggle. Although of course I do not know how it feels. I know that often Eds can help people feel control when they feel out of control otherwise. So I get that. And I get that it is so very hard for you. I also get that you have been literally heroic in your work to try to manage this horrible thing..... ed. I know it has taken such huge enormous strength to do that. And I know you want to go back to feeling the control. I love you very very very much. And of course all i want is for you to not harm your body by starving. The human heart can only take so much strain, as you know. Mostly, I want you to know that I am very very very glad you wrote here. I love you. And you are always in my heart.

thanks for the hug wolfin
and thanks for what you said (sun) love you too
havign a rel hard time a very confused time but ill be ok
just had to set my thoughts down somewhere
lex

well thanks for writign back anyways ill try and explain it
to make it clearer for you then..

not sure what to say if anyone will see this
if anyone will understand or even care but i
just had to put it down somewhere i have an
ed been dx as beign anorexic by my pdoc and
a dr you understood this

been anemic alot of times started listening
to people started eatign more than i think i really
should have ive gained alot of weight i see it im
gettign worse everyday but no one else seems to
see what i do
this is just me saying i have been anemic many times
in my life. this made people worry so people who are
my friends and family wanted me to eat more be more
healthy so i started to listen to them all. i have gained
alot of weight they do not think i have but i think i have.
i can see it in my body how it is gettign worse everyday.
my friends and family do not see what i do they think i look fine.

plus i miss being able to say no to
it all it felt good the control i had my tight feeling
i had in my stomach and it wasnt that i liked being
anemic it just sort of meant something i know i
must sound sick in a way but i do miss alot of it
of what it was what it did for me who i was who i
know i am
this is me saying i miss being who i was when
i was not eating when i was in control i miss the control i
had it felt good. i liked it when i woke up and my stomach
felt tight like a drum, empty. and being anemic meant
somethign to me it is not that i miss beign anemic but
it just meant somethign to me that i can not explain. it
must sound sick that i miss all of this but i do. i miss alot
of it, what it was for me what it meant to me, who i was,
who i know i am.

but no one else seems to liek that me
think part of me doesnt either really but a bigger
part of me does and its this part that just wants me
to say **** it all and just go back to what i know..
this is me saying no one else seems to like the me who does
not eat. part of me does not liek that me either but a bigger
part of me does. it is this part of who i am that wants me
to say **** it. just go back to not eating, go back to who you
really are what you are good at what you know.

thats what i said i just needed to put what was in my head here
sorry i wasnt very clear
lex

Lex, I really hear what you are saying. I hope that you can keep writing. And that people will answer.

This is so hard. And painful. I think that sometimes when we are healing something huge, we see what we are losing. But we do not yet have anything to replace it. So we can only see the power and control that we are losing. We cant yet see what is replacing it. What is replacing it is more authentic. But I know my words dont help much. Because the new strength is not yet in place.

I know these words are meaningless in the face of what you are fighting every moment of every day. Just know I am reading your words. And very grateful that you are writing them. And I am hoping you get other responses here. I love you Lex. And I admire you in many many ways.

((Hugs)) I don't have eating disorder but struggle with weight issues,
I've never been over 9st nor have I been under 7st.

I understand your struggle, you know I'm here for you, whenever you need me. ((Hugs))

I know you want control, it's the same with si, your wife loves you lex. If they see you eating its cos they know you are safe.
I already inboxed you before I read this..
Be thinking of you today
x

I am thinking of you today too. I understand how that is, I have gained quite a bit of weight because the people who cared about me sent me to a inpatient place, and I am better weight-wise, but I oh so miss the control I had before, I feel totally out of control now and hate it. So I know where you are coming from! I so hope that you can find a way to like where you are at now (easier said than done, and I feel hypocritical for saying that since I haven't, lol) But you totally deserve to be happy without being trapped by the bonds of the ED...although it doesn't feel that way sometimes, I know that too. Thinking of you...

thanks for what you said it helps to know people
understand what im saying i wish you didnt have to
feel all this but it is what it is isnt it ill be thinking of
you too i hope you can find a way to like where you
are as well maybe we both will at some point in what
right now feels like a very very distant future if at all
to me but you never know i hope you do i know that
feeling of not deserving i feel it everyday im sorry yu
feel that as well but like i said hopefully one day
we will be better emotionally with it too take care ok
hugs thinking of you
lex

thanks for all you said im here for you too
thanks for the inbox message and i know im loved and
all but that stuff i miss makes it so so hard to see or
feel anything but the wanting of the control and all else
that came with it im trying and im still eating ok ill be
fine just hard at the moment thanks for all you said
thinking of you ok take care
lex

Hello, lex - I completely understand where you are coming from. I have gone through a couple situations where people kept saying I needed to regain weight "have a milkshake - or two," and I would start eating bigger portions and things.

I'd arrive at a weight that wasn't comfortable for me and actual feel very resentful that I listened to people and "gave in" and miss the control, feel guilty for not exercising my willpower and not eating...

But what people above are saying is right - I struggle with anemia too, and it makes everything harder, lacking so much energy - but maintaining proper nutrition is priceless. It's very hard, because so often in the world when we make motion for changes, we can at least see some of the results before our eyes. It isn't so obvious for something like this, and it can be very discouraging.

Maybe try some regular activity? I know I hate it when people tell me this, but it can be helpful. This doesn't mean you have to start lifting huge weights or running miles and miles. This isn't realistic or really even possible when anemic because getting tired can happen so quickly. I know that exercising to build a little muscle is motivation for me to eat healthy, because it's something where you really can see the change!

This may sound kind of silly, but there is cool little blog called Lazy Girl Fitness that I really like, where the creator has "invented" little ways to get some exercise in when doing daily things like brushing your teeth or watching TV. Now even when I'm cooking at the stove (or the other day was peeling chocolate kisses for cookies, lol!) I've started to do things like squats or ab twists. Feels kinda silly or embarrassing at first - but it works!
http://violetsage.wordpress.com/cate...-girl-fitness/

Hope you feel better soon.

Lex,

I get it.