[Igenio]

Hey guys,
I kinda want to have anorexia. And I feel really disgusting about it.
I just want to feel proud and strong and be thin and all those people trying to help you and the attention you'll get. But it just makes me feel pathetic. Especially since I know having a ED really isn't fun.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Igenio: Yes, there is something alluring about the attention one gets when one is ill... at least that's the fantasy. My personal experience has been that the reality seldom lives up to the fantasy... especially when it comes to mental health problems. From my perspective, there is no reason you should feel disgusted about yourself for having this urge. However, it may be useful for you to investigate what it is that is causing it... perhaps with the aid of a therapist... if you don't already have one. My best wishes to you...

[Bill3]

I wonder if there might be other ways to feel proud and strong.

Are there other things you already are or do that you can already feel proud and strong about?

Are there skills that you don't have yet that you find attractive that you would like to learn?

Is there some road/path/direction you can choose (that doesn't involve the way you look) that feels interesting and challenging and worthwhile?

I'm interested by the words "and all those people trying to help you" ..... what does that actually mean to you?

[aloneinmusic]

There are other ways you can attain those things though, without developing a serious mental illness that'll take away everything you love from your life. Trust me, it is hell. I am sitting here on the verge of having a breakdown because the weight I lost is not good enough and I feel fat and I can't even drink a glass of water. Any attention and help I receive that I might appreciate is still not worth the pain of this.

I'm glad you recognise that's it's an unhealthy thought though, unfortunately a lot of people out there wouldn't. It sounds to me like you already have an awful lot going on. Maybe it's worth talking about the roots behind these feelings? What is making you feel like you need to be strong, or want to be helped?

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Can I confess I feel similarly, OP? I often find myself wishing I had the discipline and body-disconnect, or at least the self-control, to starve myself, hate food and be nicely underweight, instead of being 30-40 lbs too heavy, addicted to food and sugar, and seemingly unable to stop compulsively eating.

I'm going to get flamed to hell for saying it almost seems more....refined, to struggle with eating too little than too much. Blah blah romanticizing mental illness blah blah I know. Intellectually I realize an ED is a horrible thing (kinda like how some portray depression as this beautiful, haunting sadness....when really it's more like being a messed up, numbed out wreck with a hamster wheel turning in your head), but...I can't help thinking this way.

[Ghost5]

Yes, I totally agree. I get a buzz and satisfaction that I'm losing weight when being weighed by the psychiatrist and that I'm successfully fighting against what they want me to do (eat). I view weigh day as a goal to lose more weight for. I feel like I'm a stronger and better person than everyone else when im losing weight. Rationally I realise I'm fighting a serious mental illness that's destroying me and has been destroying me for 30 years but I can't get the rational part of my brain to win. I don't care about anything in my life other than losing weight and I'm good at nothing else, my eating disorder is me and is my life and I don't think I'll have achieved what I want to until I'm lying in a hospital bed being force fed,until then any weight I lose just isn't good enough.

[eskielover]

I understand that feeling & my last time anorexia took over in 2004, my mother was dying of cancer, my new foal had injured her leg & the home care person who had manipulated her way into caring for my mom, I caught her abusing my mom. It was 6 months of hell I was in the middle of & was married to a useless husband who had no idea about emotional support or how to communicate. I ended up in the medical hospital the night my mom died. The good thing was I was surrounded by care & organized my moms funeral from the hospital though I almost missed it though it was 2 weeks later because of weather issues, because I got worse not better & they were determined I needed IV nutrition immediately or I would not live either. The hospital staff psychiatrist threatened a hold, my GP looked the other way with my AMA as long as I promised to come back after the funeral. Yes, I needed their support because I had no friends or support network like I have now after totally walking (running away/escaping) the horrible 33 year marriage I had been in. I had nothing tying me there any longer & moved 2100 miles away where I didn't know anyone & have never been more happy or cared about in my life. Living alone with a huge amount of care my farm requires, I eat enough to stay healthy. Have only been sick 2 times in my 9 years here & weight is now a healthy stable. When we have natural care & support in our life there is no need for searching for it through unhealthy behavior. Lol I never thought I would get to this point....but it is possible.

[VermiciousKnid]

I used to feel similarly when I was bulimic. It's nothing to be ashamed about. I would have stints of not eating, but I mostly binged and purged and yes, I was jealous of my friends who struggled with anorexia, even the other patients I met in a treatment center where I was eventually sent for bulimia. (I have been free from bulimia now for 5 years!) Now, I am beginning to truly struggle with anorexia, and the mind battles are excruciating. I literally torture myself, worrying that I am gaining weight even though I am eating very little. When I lose weight because of eating so little, I worry that I will gain it back and lower my calories further. I do understand the appeal of anorexia in a society that values thinness, but now that I am in the middle of it, I wish I could escape. On a mental level, it is truly not worth it. I am also worried about the condition of my hair, skin and nails, so even as an appeal to vanity, it's not the answer.

[eskielover]

I am also worried about the condition of my hair, skin and nails, so even as an appeal to vanity, it's not the answer.

Oh, the long straw hair was the worst. It took years after I finally was at a safe weight for my hair to start looking better & falling out almost as bad as with cancer treatments.

[VermiciousKnid]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Oh, the long straw hair was the worst. It took years after I finally was at a safe weight for my hair to start looking better & falling out almost as bad as with cancer treatments.

my boyfriend is patiently cleaning up all the hair I leave lying around.
I am so glad that you are healing, eskie.

[eskielover]

Living alone on the beautiful farm I bought after finally leaving my bad marriage takes a lot of energy. My desire to enjoy my farm far outweighs ( no pun intended) my desire to be thin....just working on the farm wears off enough calories that I don't have to worry about weight & need the calorie fuel just to function. It's nice to be healthy & at a healthy safe weight?

Though stressful situations still trigger weight loss as they always have in my life

[runningonresilience]

I try my best to understand how someone who does not struggle with anorexia might find it alluring, but please let me shatter that reality for you. I have struggled with anorexia for 11 years now. There is no glamour, no satisfaction, no perfect weight. There is only panic and self hate and horrendous fear of anything and everything you eat/don't eat. There are the thoughts about food that plague you day and night. They turn into dreams, you can't escape. There are the dinners with family or friends that tear everyone apart. You start to lose people, activities - your world shrinks. Then once the weight starts coming off you are exhausted and cold all of the time. You wake up in the middle of the night because your stomach is crying out and your calves are racked with spasms because at this point your body is feeding on muscle. Your brain is malnourished too and it plummets you into awful depression. You are on and off the scale 1, 5, 10 times a day. You can't go out with friends, go to school/work, heck you can't even get out of bed. At this point you end up in inpatient treatment (if you are lucky and have insurance). For some, this works. For most others, you come back again and again. I've spent more collective years in treatment centers than in college. Treatment is brutal, strict, unrelenting. They make you gain the weight back, and quickly. If you refuse, they drop a feeding tube. If you refuse that, they take you to court and get an order for said feeding tube and bed rest and drugs to subdue you in case you protest still. When you discharge from treatment, you have to make the difficult transition to eating in the real world. You start your recovery terrified of another relapse, knowing that the average length of time is takes to recover is SEVEN years.

Is this harsh? yes. Is this the truth? yes. So please let this shatter any shiny perception of what anorexia is or isn't. It's a mental illness. EDs are the most deadly of any mental illness in fact. Be kind to your body and mind by continuing to nourish yourself and consult professionals if there is a reason you need to lose weight.

Sweetie, you don't want it. You really do not. I'm not judging you and I understand where you are coming from.

But the reality of it is not something anyone would want. I haven't even recovered. I basically have been struggling with it for so long that I generally can pull myself together in time. To not blackout. To not have size zeros falling off me. I know how to stay alive but that's it.

And I still feel fat. It's no good.

Instead, try to get into good shape physical fitness wise. You'll look and feel awesome. Be well.

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