[SeptemberMorn]

Friday night, my youngest son's "adopted" daughter came to stay the night with me. We went shopping, originally, to buy her a swim suit so she could go swimming here. It turned out to be quite a bit more than that, but we were both having a blast! Sometime during the "shopping spree," I recognized some of the old feelings I had when my daughter and I went out together: the feelings of what it should have felt like to be that age (12), having someone sort of to show me how it should have been and actually feeling the freedom and satisfaction of being 12. All time time, I knew that in some way, I was reliving the times my daughter and I used to have and maybe just a little bit better because of my experience since she cut me out of her life eight years ago this July 4th.

Yesterday morning, right before waking up, I had a dream. The kind that comes from your subconscious to help you work out hidden emotions. As you may remember, Jerry (hubby) pulls "disappearing acts" once in a while when he just doesn't want to deal with what's going on between us. In my dream, he had pulled one of those. I was at a small group gathering when I saw him come through the door. His hair was wet, which gave me to know that he had been in town. In my dream, it seemed that there was some doubt as to where he had stayed in town or left for parts unknown.

My "adopted" granddaughter came up behind me and told me that Jerry had a new girlfriend and that she and her three kids were with him. All of them appeared in front of me, doing a line dance. The girlfriend wasn't very good looking (thank goodness LOL) She had mousy brown hear and an ugly hook nose. Again, my adopted granddaughter approached me with two other little kids. I kept telling her to stay away from me! I didn't want her physically close to me, as if I had something to fear from her. She was just trying to give me what she thought was needed information about Jerry and what he was doing.

She wouldn't leave me alone so I got up to leave and she tried repeatedly to stop me. When we came to the door, she wedged herself between the door and me. In my dream, she faded in and out going from being Cheyenne to being Karla, my daughter.

The emotional pain became too much to bear and I woke up stunned. Awake, I couldn't figure out where the pain was coming from; either from the knowledge of having lost Jerry (not in 3D) or from the real 3D loss of my daughter. Eventually the pain eased to a point that I started crying and feeling a great loss.

Today, I experienced a panic attack like I hadn't experienced in YEARS! Although I recognized it as such, all the fears and obsessive thoughts started; the light headedness, dizziness and the trembling legs and hands. I'm hoping that my anti-depressant and the Klonopin will take care of the symptoms but I don't know what to do with the feelings. (Owie... headache now) I thought I had that all sorted out.

Now I need to make sure that I don't over power Cheyenne with my need to replace my daughter. She's a different person with her own needs.

I need objectivity to love her for herself and not because she satisfies my own needs.

I'll need to learn to remain objective about how I care for Cheyenne and how I love my own blood granddaughter who has been my own precious angel and only admitted granddaughter. Soon there will come a time when I'll have to warm up to my middle (step) son's hateful little girl. He and I reconciled when Jerry's dad passed away in January.

All of this needs to be sorted out for my own sake. It's "Me First" time and I feel guilty. I feel afraid of screwing up my relationship with Cheyenne and with my Princess Autumn.

Ooooh, my head.... oooooh, my heart....

Tomi, you must take care of yourself. My sense of you, and your family, is that you give and give and give..and frequently you aren't getting back enough of that love. Being with Cheyenne opened you up to some feelings, some conscious and some not, and your dream picked up and went on with those feelings. You aren't selfish, wanting the world to be better to you.....work through this, with us and I am positive that things will get better for you. Family is hard. Can't live with 'em and can't shoot 'em. When my youngest was 14, she bought herself that tee shirt in Santa Fe. It was the source of many good laughs, through her teen years.......xoxox pat

[SeptemberMorn]

You're right. Being with Cheyenne opened up the can of worms I've been keeping buried. At the same time, though, I had a very enjoyable 24 hrs or so. That was also "being good to me" not just Cheyenee. When I saw her yesterday, she said a few little things to let me know she wants more of the same. They were little games, but I saw through them so I reassured her that everything was going to be okay. I know her need for attention and where it comes from. Being able to give that to her makes me feel good and satisfies something in me. At her age, I know that even if something separates us, she'll remember me as "one of the good guys." Maybe she'll have something positive to draw from for her life. That is important to me... maybe because I feel that I have things to make up for in the way I raised my kids, especially my daughter. Maybe, just maybe it will get back to Karla the things that I do and she'll change her sick mind about me. I've found out a little bit more about her and she's been diagnosed as Paranoid Schizophrenic.

I don't know how else to take care of me except to give. That's who I am. You got any ideas?

[h0kie]

Giving is good. I also think you have the knowledge and the ability to pull back when things are getting out of hand (like in this situation).

You don't have to prove you're a good mom/grandmom/person to anyone, if you know you are now, well then thats all that matters. I assume you have apologized (or tried) to your daughter. That's all you can do...you can't control how other people respond.

((((((((((Tomi))))))))))

i am positive that Cheyenne will reminder all that you two did together. children remember, even when we doubt that they will. they also remember the "words" we use, when we think they aren't listening... seriously, you're a positive influence in her life. i think that's great.

take care of yourself, by doing something that you want to do. buy a new book, rent a movie.........some time for you!! pat

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((((Tomi))))))))))))))))))))

[heatherm]

(((((((((((Tomi)))))))))))))

I am so sorry hun How are you feeling now? Those dang panic attacks are the worst aren't they? I am so proud of you though for knowing what was happening....that is the biggest step with them. Take gentle care of yourself ok?

Awww hun....I wish I knew what to say about Karla I cannot even imagine how that must feel.

I do think though that Cheyenne was sent to you for a reason....I can remember when you first met her and you clicked. I don't think you are trying to replace Karla at all. You have so much love in your heart for all of your grandchildren....your heart just gets bigger to hold each one of them in a different spot.

Try not to feel guilty...enjoy the time you spend with all of them....I know you won't screw anything up. Recognizing it is half the battle right?

Love you
xoxo

[SeptemberMorn]

Guess what scares me is that Cheyenne may someday say "You love me too much!" like my daughter told me. Translated, that meant "You're controlling." I didn't think I was and still don't, but it's not MY perspective that counts. It's my daughter's. I guess most of all, I'm afraid of my own pain.

Maybe because Karla has shut me out of her life and because David isn't close to me is why I feel I still need to prove something to them. I would like it to get back to Karla in the right perspective, well... I've already said it. So maybe she might try making a connection again, no matter how thin or fragile.

Maybe I'm more afraid than anything else of loving a little girl again. The dream made it so clear to me just how deep my pain goes at losing my daughter. It probably wouldn't hurt as bad as if we'd had a good relationship and she had suddenly died. There would be peace in that. Knowing that whenever she thinks of me or talks about it, it's with bitterness that keeps the pain alive.

Yes, I've tried several times to apologize to her but she's remained silent. When she got her master's degree, I gave John a card to give to her. It had the words to "I Hope You Dance" in it, signed "all my love and pride always." John had to talk her into reading it. Silence. Maybe it's the knowledge that she's alive somewhere that keeps the flicker of hope alive.

And what was the meaning of losing Jerry in the dream? Betrayal? He's never betrayed me with another woman, even during the seven yrs we were separated. Do I feel betrayed by Karla or do I feel that I betrayed her in some way?

[SeptemberMorn]

Buy a new book? Wayne Dyer's "The Power of Intention"? It's too expensive this month because I spent too much on Cheyenne. LOL

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{jmo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Hugs feel really good right about now. Thanks!

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Good hugs!

You remember me clicking with Cheyenne? I don't remember that. I remember resenting her because John and Jerry were giving her so dang much attention I felt Autumn was getting left out. Hmmm... maybe I forgot. It's when John and Chrissy got permanent custody of her I knew I had to accept her. That's when I remember beginning to care for her. That's what amazes me now and scares me at the same time.

As for her needing me, yes, she sure does! John does the best he can but because Chrissy is her cousin, too, she treats her like a bratty kid with very little understanding. It's like two kids interacting. When Cheyenne complains about having to take care of the two younger ones or doing dishes, Chrissy tells her that's what they got her for. ARGH!!!! @#$%^&*(@#$%$#@!!! BAD FORM!!

As for Karla, I don't know if it was you or someone else that offered to email her and I turned you/them down. It's still a thought waaaaay back in the back of my mind, but I think it has to be a family member that talks to her again. For sure, it's not going to be David! He "hates drama."

Ahem! hehe Uh... You really don't think I will screw anything up? You know what I'm talking about, right? It takes courage to walk back into a relationship that didn't work quite right the first time... "if you know what I mean."

DANG!! I just thought of something! Maybe God took you by the hand and walked you back... and such perfect (or imperfect) timing!! LOL Oh, geeez!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[heatherm]

((((((((((Tomi))))))))))

I can remember when you first met her....you had said you sensed a sadness in her eyes. I remember thinking - yup - Tomi has met a new soul to make a difference in her life. I don't think you should be afraid of how you feel towards her. You are making a difference in her life by being there for her and spending that fun time with her. Autumn knows how special she is to you....that will never change. You are teaching Autumn how to accept family that may not be "blood related" but family just the same.

Chrissy will never change will she keep being there for Cheyenne....she knows you are in her corner and that will make the difference for her and how she grows.

Yup it was me who said to email/talk/phone/visit/fax/send carrier pigeons/have an overhead plane carrying a banner to Karla LOL I think that was my way of trying to fix the hurt I have always known you have in your heart about her. Have you ever written a letter to her and not sent it?

Ahhh courage we've always had it in us haven't we....LOL sometimes a bit of pride gets in the way (just a bit ) People are in your life for a reason....the fun part is trying to figure out what that reason is

Love you xoxo
(((((((((((((Tomi))))))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

Thank you so much for reminding me!! !!! I had forgotten that! {{{{{{{{))Heather((}}}}}}}}} My defensiveness for Autumn had made me forget that and it is important to remember! That's why you're back in my life now... Well... that's one reason. LOL I need you to keep me balanced.

Yup, I've written several letters to Karla that I haven't sent. They've run the gamut of emotions. It helps for the time being and they've at times clarified some of my emotions for me.

When I had John deliver the card when she got her Master's, she told him this: "If an alcoholic is in recovery, he doesn't need to go back into a bar!" That tells me two things; she's admitting to having a problem that is difficult for her to control. The painful part is that she sees me as "bad," "destructive," a bad "addiction." I don't know!

On the other hand! About you... It's so good to hear you admit to your courage!!! YAY!!!! Love it! Love it! Love it! hehehe

Love you, Hun!

[heatherm]

((((((((((Tomi))))))))))

As William always says..."yup - that's my job" LOL of course he says it when I say that he is driving me bonkers

Maybe it's time to write another letter? Send it to me if you want....from what she told John...it seems she is trying to blame someone (you) instead of looking at it as her own problem. That must be so frustrating to you Was she ever in therapy?

I am so glad to have connected with you again....true friendship never goes away does it?

Take care of yourself today

Love you xoxo

[SeptemberMorn]

Hmmm... and what would you do with that letter? She changes email addresses like she changes panties... err, sox! LOL

Don't know if she was even in therapy. Get this! Her MIL is a psychologist! I'm wondering if she's not the one that convinced Karla that she's better off without me. That woman has said some things that have really shocked me. They use their religion to excuse some of their bizzare behavior, like "spare the rod, spoil the child." Remember I told you that Karla had bought a long glue stick to smack the kids with?? Yep! And remember I told you that her "parenting group" had come up with the glue stick because it inflicts the most pain with NO bruises? That was "faith based" can you believe??? So...

GAWD, I FEEL SO HELPLESS!!!! I just don't know, Hun.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I really do appreciate our friendship. Down deep in my heart I knew we'd get it back.

Love you!