[sanityseeker]

I need to stay engaged right now and moving forward with my new day.

I need to fight the urge to give into this anxiety and live through it. I am hoping if I can use this thread to acknowledge what I have done and encourage myself to keep moving that I can be victorious today.

I woke at 7:30 to know it is Monday and therefore a work day. The weekend had gone well. I accomplished some long put off tasks and felt strengthened and empowered for the effort. I gave in to avoidance by sleeping another hour. Resisting temptation to sleep some more to avoid I pulled myself out of bed and went immediately to writing my morning pages. Cut my ranting off at 3 pages.

The anxiety was still holding strong. That fuzzy feeling, hands shaking, shallow breathing, headache mounting. Reduced some with focused breathing, positive affirmations, day plan broken into small pieces.

Quick visit here and to facebook with a 30 minute time limit.

Pushed myself into my office at 10 to prevent putting it off until after lunch and risking putting it off entirely. Checked my work email and was blessed by an encouraging note from a dear friend. Thankful for the gift that seemed connected to my effort to make it into my office. It was like see what blessing await you if you move towards them.

Checked my to do list of clients I needed to contact and other pressing matters that needed to be addressed. Not ready yet to pick up the phone I opted for the shower I had skipped earlier when I took another hours sleep. Sang songs of affirmation and kept my focus on breathing to calm the shakes and ease the pressure on my head.

Here now back in my office getting set to call the first client on my list. Need to open an document and prepare myself for the call. Thoughts are spinning but I can do this. One step at a time. Here I go.

[perpetuallysad]

Wow, I think you are doing a great job. I am really impressed with your ability to take all these daunting tasks and break them up into doable things. Way to go. I hope you continue on this good path.

[sanityseeker]

Thank you.... I appreciate your encouragement. While this thread is somewhat self serving I am also hoping it will be useful to others who know how hard this is and are facing the same choices minute by minute.

So here is an update... I called one client and the work I have been doing for her organizations won't need my attention again for a few months but she did give me a lead on some work with another organization where a mutural friend has just taking on a new job and may need my expertise. I called and left a message.

I called another client about a project that is still hanging and found out she left the job and so the follow up with me has been transfered as well. She said she will be meeting with her replacement tomorrow and will bring it up with her to give me a call to talk about moving it forward.

A third client was not in and so I left a message there as well.

So I didn't get what I wanted from anyone.... that is I didn't secure a new contract that would bring money in right away but at least I created some momentum that has the potential to spin some work out sooner rather than later. Phew!! I did it!

My hands are still a little shaky and my head is still aching but I am no worse for the effort and more or less am better for it actually.

Time now for some lunch and a walk with the dog. Maybe treck to the river where I am always lifted up by watching the running waters and listening to the music it makes. Maybe by the time I get back the phone will start to ring.

I still need to call my bank to see if I can defer next months mortgage payment to take some stress off my finances while I generate some new work. Maybe I should do that now in case it is another call back situation and then I am likely waiting another day for resolution. It will ease my anxiety a lot if I can get that deferal. I have never had to do this before so it is hard not to worry about it or see it is a sign of tougher times to come. Yes, I will do that and then have lunch.

Okay... doing okay... one step at a time. Affirming action.

[sanityseeker]

argg... the number the bank's financial officer gave me doesn't work in my area. I try another number and it takes me 4 tries to be able to stay focused long enough on the talking babble coming through the phone before I figure out which option will get me to someone who can help. I hate automated phone systems. They drive me spinny!! And if there are more than 3 options then I am lost. Okay... I pick an option.... They need my bank card number so I go get it but its not the number they want. I try another number I have recorded and its not right either. I am beginning to looooose it here!! arg! panic!!! Breath.

I hang up walk around my room a few times... breath... affirm... its okay... I'm okay.

I try again. I finally figured it out and I am talking to a real person. phew!! A zillion questions later and the resolution is that if I move my payment date ahead by one day then I can opt to just pay the interest on my mortgage for this month only. Oaky that's something I can work with. I agree and we say goodbye.

Big breath.... time for lunch. My goodness. So tired!! But I got through it and I am still okay. Maybe a little more haggered but now I can eat my lunch in peace.

Will get to paying some bills now with the last few dollars I have to work with befor they cut me off from heat, phone, internet etc etc and I will eep the faith that before the month is out some money will flow my way again. hope hope. affirm. affirm.

Time for lunch and that walk to the river.....

[sanityseeker]

Refreshed from the walk and recognizing that although I didn't want to go out in the cold I am much better for the effort. Back in my office prepared to face the truth about my financial situation and do my best to stretch my remaining few dollars far enough to keep everyone satisfied for now.

Still no call backs but satisfied I did what I set out to do today and will leave it there for now. Tomorrow is another new day and a few other clients to contact so will rest in the knowing something is bound to break open soon.

It is now pushing 2:30, the shakes and headache have both subsided and my breathing is steady. I have good energy and clarity of thought so its all good. Now to crunch some numbers.

I received an email from a cousin who needs my help to alter a dress for her daughter. Posses some dilemas for me to consider how but have decided not to try to figure it all out right now. It can wait until later for me to figure it all out. This one is okay to put on hold right now.

You did good, sanityseeker. Well done.

[sanityseeker]

Thank you TheByzantine... I did do good!! and I feel great for the effort. It is now 5:30 and I just wrapped up my number crunching and even though my financial situation is pretty scary I seem to be able to keep it in perspective. No amount of worry is going to fill the coffers so I keep telling myself there is just no point in letting worry in the door. I am allowing hope to fill me up so there may be no crack for worry to find a space in my head.

Now for some dinner and some quality time with my son. He will be happy to see me smiling again. I am actually looking forward to tomorrow. Bring it on!!

Your simple words... 'you did good' have carried me to this place. Thank you my friend. You are often one of few words but wow what power your few words carry. Wishing you well.

How are you doing, sanityseeker?

[sanityseeker]

well since you asked.... not so good. I am in my office today but am yet to start the task I pushed myself in here to do. The strain of Monday spun me into paralysis on Tuesday so it was a washout. Literally washed out in tears. I had to cancel the plans I had made the night before to go to my cousins to alter a dress for her daughter.

Wednesday morning I got a call back from another client to tell me the workshop I was to lead on Friday needed to be cancelled. She was my last hope in terms of immediate work and a little bit of cash flow and so it spun me into insanity. I was able to resist the temptation to self harm and transfer the pain but otherwise I couldn't muster any motivation to do much of anything beyond wash a few dishes and make meals. I had made other plans to do some networking but the crying had made such a mess of my eyes that I couldn't go out in public if I wanted to. I just shut my door and watched movies to try to distract the worry and block out the overwhelming sense of hopelessness.

Back to square one today by first getting out of my hidding place and into my office to get at one of the outstanding tasks I have on my plate. Filing my years of overdue taxes. I have put them off because there are some complications that I don't know how to resolve and besides that I haven't had the extra money to be able to pay them and one year has just piled onto the next and now its 5, no 6 years of back taxes to be filed. Its a mess and I avoid messes until I can't avoid them anymore. I think I am going to need to go and apply for social assistance and I know I will need my taxes to be up to date to even be considered. I can't imagine how I will get myself calm enough to be able to walk in the offices let alone talk to anyone but I don't have anywhere else to turn right now. Even if by some miracle I do get assistance it won't be enough to cover my monthly expenses and so now I am trying to figure out what I can cut out. I have already cut back spending to necessities and now its down to cutting the cable and internet and taking the insurance off my truck but then how will I be able to look for work. Just overwhelmed trying to figure my way out of the hole I am in.

I got in here today because I talked myself into it this morning through writing in my morning pages and doing some relaxation exercises. I had a good breakfast and went for a quiet walk. Meditated at the river and filled myself with affirmations. I do these things hoping it will motivate me and dilute the worry thoughts because what else can one do. Sitting and hiding is useless.

My son has been home all week with a sinus cold and it isn't getting any better. Will take him up to emergency since the doctors office can only offer an appointment later next week. I know they will hassle me at the hospital for bringing him in to emerg for a cold but he has already missed more days than he has attended this year due to this persisting issue returning again and again. I bought him one of those nasal washers and he has been talking echinachia and Vit Cs and sinus drugs to alleviate symptoms and he is eating lots of oranges and chicken soap and he is no better for the effort.

So there's my pitiful update. Wish I could say things progressively got better through the week after some vicories on Monday but it didn't play out that way. I am doing what I can to keep in the game but the string I am hanging on to is wearing thin from the strain.

Time for lunch now while my papers sit untouched beside me. I will need to go and do some relaxation and meditation to prepare for the trip to the hospital and pray I can cope with the strain of dealing with people and all the stuff that goes with that. Try to hear what the doctor says and survive a visit to the pharmacy etc etc.

Life goes on I guess. I appreciate you checking in and I am sorry my update isn't more encouraging. There is always tomorrow I guess. Wishing you well.

Hoping things get better soon.

[sanityseeker]

Thank you. Me too. One day at a time.

[Belle1979]

Huge hugs from me to you
I had to have a look as you mentioned you had posted again

Let it all out in emails and here - one day it will get better

[sanityseeker]

Thanks Belle. Thanks for noticing me. Sometimes I feel like a little kid so needy for attention it almost makes me gag. GEESH!!!

Hope you have a wonderful weekend over there in the summer sun. I think I am just really sick and tired of the long dark days. I could really use some sunshine and heat about now. Something about the sun that is so soothing and comforting. Could use a sunshine hug about now.

Soon it will be spring and my garden will reward me with lots of colour and replenished life to remind me that I too may feel renewed and full of delightful joy again.

Blessings.........

[sanityseeker]

Feeling much better today so hoping to use it to move some things forward today. No more indulging fear or doubt. Somehow things will work out and I will do my part today to usher the possibilities into my life. YES!!

Good for you, sanityseeker!

[sanityseeker]

Thanks hun. Another good day today. Mind you the weekends are usually easier to manage because I give myself permission to not go into my office. Monday is going to be a big day.... doctor appointment and since I can't see a way around it I will need to step into the social services office and ask about assistance. Focused right now on visualizing positive outcomes in both cases. It's a health and wellness focused weekend until then.

Hope you are well. Take care and thanks again for keeping an eye on me. I appreciate knowing you have my back.

[pondbc]

Just so that you know, you are light years ahead of what I could cope with. I am not sure how long it would take (if ever) for me to rebound to where you are. Give yourself lots of credit for all you are doing!

[sanityseeker]

Thanks harrietgate... ya know... rapid rebounding is kind of a double edged sword. I can never make plans or commitments because I never know how I will feel one day to the next. I really do have to live one day at a time and that is pretty limiting as evidence by my current situation of no income or prospects for income on the horizon. Not to mention my inability to maintain contact with people because it feels way too demanding.

The other challenge is that when I am suffering in the pit I am desperate to find relief and I eventually talk myself in to asking for help. Unfortunately asking for help usually means waiting for weeks for appointments with docs. If in that time I start to feel better then I talk myself into just taking better care of myself thinking I have it licked on my own if I just do this or that or the other 'good' thing consistantly enough. I tell myself I need to do everything within my own power before I have the right to ask for help from anyone else. I know it is old tapes playing in my head. At home and even at school it was all about doing things yourself and if you had to ask for help it would cost you and you would be constantly reminded that you were 'less than' for not being able to do it yourself. Asking for help was always a weakness and it is really hard to replace that message in my head. It gets louder when I get needy.

I am really trying to make sure I don't listen to the tapes and will choose to allow myself to ask for help this time even when I know that I haven't done everything on my own that I know I should or could be doing. I can really be my own worst enemy sometimes by overthinking and letting fear of disappointment and judgement paralyze me.

I think sometimes we are all further ahead of the game than we give ourselves credit for. You are here and engaging in keeping the hope alive in you. That's major. I have had many periods over these many dark years where I couldn't be a part of a place like this. Being here means we are on the journey to wellness. Even if the journey is slow and our progress may seem unnoticable to ourselves.

We really are less different than you migh think. Of that I am pretty certain. Positive talk goes a long way and sometimes it is all that gets me moving somedays.

Take good care. Let us celebrate even the smallest victories.

May each day bring peace and meaningfulness into your lives.

[sanityseeker]

Off to the docs this morning. Lets hope I have the courage to talk about more than my thyroid levels that apparently came back fine from the lab reports.

How are you doing, sanityseeker?

[sanityseeker]

Hi there... I am doing pretty good over all. The doctors appointment went amazingly well. I am still a bit surprisingly stunned actually. Of course the anxiety had me in tears but he saw me beyond the anxiety and made me feel hopeful about asking him to help me. There was lots of info stored on my computer records from previous attempts over the last decade of asking for help that I gave up on. He was very understanding of why things never worked out before. He was very patient too when I needed him to repeat the steps he was recommending. He didn't push meds on me but didn't rule it out as something I might want to consider when we got to that point. That alone helped to ease my fears and trust him if and when meds were going to be recommended. He reviewed with me the med treatment history I had consented to in the past and the reasons it didn't continue. He also told me that if and when I do opt to try meds again that there is a program that will pay for them even though my tax returns are not up to date. Aside from the fear of meds I thought the costs were prohibitive so that was very helpful. He is also going to make a referal to mental health now that a counsellor I saw and liked is back from a long term leave. He was amazing and really give me reason to hope that there is help out there for me.

When I finally found the social services office to apply for assistance I was happily surprised to be treated there with unexpected patience and kindness too. The receptionist gave me forms to complete and encouraged me to not worry about the job search component. Seeing how anxiety was impacting me just being there talking to her and since I had told her the doctor had suggested I apply as a person with multiple barriers she told me the first application for assistance would be fast tracked so that I could proceed with the multiple barriers application.

I almost felt like I was walking through a dream because everyone was being so helpful. It made me think about people on PC who talk positively about their doctors and the services they access and for the first time ever I got a taste of what support felt like. My doctor even made it possible for me to see him on a weekly basis until the other supports were in place. He even went with me to the front desk to tell the nurse receptionist to make the next appointment for Monday so that I wasn't told it would be a 2 or 3 week wait again which is the usual response when I phone for an appointment.

Tomorrow I go back to social services with all the information they need me to provide to proceed with the application. It has taken me all week to gather it together but thats okay. Just a few more documents to dig up today and I will be ready for my appointment. Its not like I have anything else to do so if it has taken me 4 days to do a job that might have taken the average person a few hours that's just the way it is and its okay.

Mostly it has been very humbling to find myself needing to ask for help especially financial assistance. I actually appreciate this as a good opportunity to face prejudices I didn't think were an issue for me. In my past life I worked with people in the shoes I am now walking in myself. It is an eye opener to be in their shoes. Learning to live with less is a good thing and asking for help doesn't have to mean I am weak or dangerously vulnerable to abuse or that I will be dependant on extra help forever.

It has been an interesting week of mixed emotions but mostly it has felt really good to know that I have the makings of a support team that really cares about me as a person. People who don't just flash the neon lights of problems that send me running the other way. Finally there are people who meet me where I am at and don't judge me or expect more from me than I can give or do when my symptoms are raging. It motivates me to want to let them help and to help myself more too. Its all good. I have hope.

Thanks for asking. I had meant to give this update but I guess a part of me has been afraid the bubble was going to burst and I didn't want to broadcast hope if history repeated itself and a wall went up somewhere that would send me running away again. I think now even if there is some obsticle put in my path I have a place to turn to help me over it. That is my hope.

I am so pleased for you.

[sanityseeker]

Thanks. I just have to believe in better days to come. I can't allow myself to dwell on how things 'look' today. I was faced with another job opportunity today that a friend thought would be right up my alley. I almost went to the effort to send off a resume even though the number of obsticles flooded my brain. I didn't let myself obsess about all the obsticles. I told myself one step at a time. But then it hit me that my number one job right now is to get healthy. I have only just this week found a doctor whom I feel I can trust. I have only this week accepted that I need help beyond my own will and determination to fight or endure the effects of my symptoms alone. Even if I could convince myself that good self care could be enough to maintain employment and cope with the stress the job would require me to relocate and leave behind the supports I am just now beginning to connect with.
I really think I need to be working full time at getting well. As much as I am bored with not working maybe what I really need right now is to find a way to survive financially while I focus 100% on getting well. Even when I was working part time as a contractor the stress of meeting deadlines, dealing with people and chasing down new contracts consumed me, left little time to really take care of myself and probably just kept me sick or made me even sicker.

I have opted to see my job right now as that of getting well. Financially I may have to ask for help from my father and my son's father to top up what government assistance can provide. They have both offered to help me out financially if I need it. Pride has kept me from sharing my need with them. I know in my heart that they would be much happier to see me getting professional help even if it means giving me some money for a few months than watching me continue on as I am. It has been nearly 10 years since I was employed or even considered I would ever be employable again. I thought once I gave in to disability assistance that I would be stuck there forever. Seems I am now able to see it as assistance meaning help for a time of healing and not a lifetime lifestyle.

what do you think? Am I just making an excuse to not try to get a job when one is put in front of me or am I starting to make some sense and getting my priorities straight? Deadline for the job is tomorrow so I could still throw my name in the ring and ignore my fears and doubts and all the zillion obsticles involved if that is all that is holding me back. Have I developed over these years false rationales about my employability and allowed my fears to paralyze me and make me think I am too sick to work full time or am I showing some signs of hope that with the right help and treatment I can actually get my life back again. I don't want to keep hiding but I don't want to do something I am not ready for. Just don't know if I'm not ready because of irrational fears that have become habitual and controlling or because its more than all that and overcoming what ails me needs all of my time and attention for a while.

I sit here flip flopping because I don't think I have ever given myself permission to believe my life would ever again be anything more than coping.

Maybe I am not making any sense right now. I am really tired from doing some running around this morning gathering information for my assistance application. Energy level still so limited and the effort of coping still so draining. At the same time I find myself really bored with out some work pressure to obsess about. Yet I have no energy to do other things that I now have the time for. sorry.... rambling.....

My thought is you are ready to fight your way out of the malaise that has been your scourge for so long. Until you get better, feel better and have more energy, your focus should be on getting well.

Good luck.