[feary]

I feel overwhelmed

I feel I have no purpose

I feel ashamed to be with my kids- I have missed out on so much of their lives

I am too anxious and depressed and tired and in physical pain to be around them

I miss the past so much- everything I do reminds me instantly of how I did the same thing in the past without being like this and it is such a painful remembering and i want to go back to that time

I feel rejected by an entire society- all the friends and people that were a part of my life because I gave up my life and dove into my husband's where his friends and family became mine solely and I am not close to my family anymore

Since the divorce I have NOBODY and feel so worthless but keep remembering these people and things we did etc

I am ruined because of the divorce

My kids are the only things getting me through a little but I keep having this dreadful feeling of feeling myself in the future when the kids are grown and I am all alone

And I only see them every 2 or 3 days and that is devastating still

I force myself to be with them, take care of them, take them places, do things for them and with them and seem put together but inside I am fallen to pieces and extremely depressed and have an overwhelming sense of impending doom where I believe something will happen to me any second and in front of them, I feel such a sense of sheer terror while I am with them

I always feel like I am messing them up and I have no confidence in how I am raising them or treating them and I always think I am making the wrong decisions and doing the wrong things

And then I have to see everyone around me who have nice lives with a husband and a social group and people around them that make them feel worthy and good about themselves and safe

I feel so alone and unsafe and terrified in this world

I am taking the kids to the zoo today but I am sooo exhausted and tired and feel I will pass out and die and the whole time I will be terrified and worried and very depressed about the future and past

Everyone needs at least ONE friend around them regularly, you know.

And I tried so hard to make friends but NO ONE wants to be, why should I be the one calling them or suggesting things 3-5 times before I get the hint that ok, they don't want to

Most people with kids at my age of 36 have their lives set already and they don't have to start ALL OVER and if they do they don't have a debilitating fear of aging and dying

I wish some meds would help even a bit

[Gus1234U]

aaah feary, it's so clear from here, that you are stuck in your feelings. if you could bring yourself to try answering those thoughts of fear and worry in a life affirming way; if you could only believe that:

I am not my thoughts; I am not my feelings; I am not my body; I am living in the eternal now, and at this moment I am safe and there are people who love me, and someday I will love me again, too.

I know from experience that hearing a message like this will not change life for you. That is something that only you can do. But I hope it helps to hear these things said over and over by people who only wish you well. {{{{{ Wishing you well }}}}} Gus

[feary]

thank you I do appreciate the caring and support from everyone here

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((feary))))

I think Gus' post is perfect and I agree that you seem to be completely stuck in the negative without even trying to see any positives. That must be so hard on you!

You are overwhelmed: Day by day ease yourself into life gently and lovingly
You have no purpose: You have children and the days you do not see them, prepare to see them
You feel ashamed: Release all shame and let it go, no longer hold it within your body or mind
You miss the past Create your future, see yourself proud and healthy, strong and happy
You are anxious & depressed: talk to your doctor and therapist and have medication adjusted
You feel rejected: Why are you rejected by society when you are the one rejecting life? Change this, you can change all of these things as soon as you decide to change them.

It's time to start changing what is wrong in your life and move onto what is going to be right for you. You have us here to support you in doing that and you can use us as a sounding board everyday if you need to.

So you can read it again I've copied Gus' affirmation

Gus1234U: I am not my thoughts; I am not my feelings; I am not my body; I am living in the eternal now, and at this moment I am safe and there are people who love me, and someday I will love me again, too.

Say this as many times as you can and believe it, know that it is true and that it is healing and helping you...Wishing you only the best,

Many hugs,

Rhiannon

[treenut]

I felt your pain in each sentence. I was once in that same exact situation after a divorce and I felt like such a no body. I felt like an empty shell. I didn't love myself but I loved my 3 boys like crazy. Only I felt like I had nothing to offer them and that I looked like some uneducated divorced mom who was struggling and there was no way to hide it. It was obvious. I was embarassed about my life. Now I am 42, my parents took my kids in and are raising them while I literally struggle with my mental health problems, can't hold jobs, and hate myself. I have physical problems now at my age too that prevent me from working any type of retail or labor job. I feel like there is no place in this world for me. Thank God for those social workers and one friend, and those that have helped me survive this far in life. I have no "real" friends either. They don't want a friend like me with baggage. When I am sad, I read a book. Read Breaking Dawn. The 4th Twilight book. it is really good.

[feary]

I am so afraid

[DavePanic]

Hey Feary,

Divorce is always hard and especially when there are children involved, I hear you crying out from a very lonely and desolate place and I see the many voices answering you on this forum. Embrace the positive energy which is being sent to you by us all and know that happiness can be within your reach. One saying which might help is "First love yourself so that others know that they may too."

The moment you begin to use affirmations such as those which Gus suggested, the easier it will become for you to begin to love yourself once again and in the process the easier it will be for you to see the love which others are offering to you unconditionally.

You are a deeply emotional person and this is a good thing, now try to start using these emotions to assist instead of obstruct you. We are all here for you and pray that you will find that immense strength which you have within you to see the light in your life and strive towards it.

All my strength and prayers are with you! Blessed Be!

[feary]

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

aaah feary, it's so clear from here, that you are stuck in your feelings. if you could bring yourself to try answering those thoughts of fear and worry in a life affirming way; if you could only believe that:

I am not my thoughts; I am not my feelings; I am not my body; I am living in the eternal now, and at this moment I am safe and there are people who love me, and someday I will love me again, too.

I know from experience that hearing a message like this will not change life for you. That is something that only you can do. But I hope it helps to hear these things said over and over by people who only wish you well. {{{{{ Wishing you well }}}}} Gus

Found this in a very interesting and helpful article on ocd:

"We all need to understand what is going on in our lives, as has been discussed previously. It is a species trait. And the obsessive thinker tries more than most to make sense of his or her world: anything that reduces anxiety is grasped like the proverbial straw. In such a situation, it is common for a sufferer to find (and cling too) a coping technique, or therapeutic suggestion, that works once or twice, something along the lines of accepting the thought as ‘just a thought’ not a reflection of one’s life style or value as a person.

The problem is, if this is taken on in response to an outsider’s urging, much of the ‘power’ liberated might be that of the outsider. That is, the sufferer might be carried away by this outsider’s conviction or silver tongue on only a temporary basis.

‘…it may be comforting (not therapeutic) to know that the content of one’s obsessions does not characterize one’s true identity.’
(Phillipson)

Then often occurs the problem that relief is experienced without inner conviction that this is the way forward. The mantra, ‘It’s just a thought, it means nothing’, or whatever is used, becomes just more noise with no real belief behind it. Then a double problem is in place for the person does not experience much further relief, because the words are not really believed, and this person begins to search wildly for some other combination of thought and/or outside person to repeat the earlier ‘success’.

In this way, meaningless mantras are voiced, ‘proving’, by their failure, that accepting the anxiety is not the right approach and that some other outside force or power-person is needed to take the pain away. This stands alongside the willingness to give up responsibility for the problem as in the mantra: ‘It is not me, it is my OCD!’

While the latter may be useful as in the sufferer realising that he or she is experiencing erroneous responses on the basis of false perceptions of anxiety-borne information, it is more often used by people who are dissociating themselves from their thoughts. That is: ‘these are not my thoughts, they belong to the disease OCD which is inhabiting my brain.’

This frequently brings comfort but it is not therapeutically sound. All thoughts have to be accepted by the obsessive thinker if recovery is going to happen. These thoughts belong to this person. They are the result of a lifetime’s thinking, together with perceptions that have involved little thought. They are the result of every single external and internal action that has ever been processed by this body’s five senses. If they are distanced, if they are viewed as some malevolent invasion that has no part of the person they are ‘preying on’, then they can truly be seen as having power of their own. In such a case it is then one short step to believing that obsessional thoughts will lead to anti-social or illegal actions. Why shouldn’t they if they are not part of the reasonable and rational OC person and are taken on face value?"

http://www.anxietycare.org.uk/docs/o...kingonline.asp

[owen2110]

I am looking to make new friends, like you I don't really have any and from all the research and reading I have done on depression, having friends is important, keep trying it will be worth it.

[feary]

I can never be well I know it I just know it

there is nothing in my life to help me nothing and no one to support me

i miss my youth and I don't see anything good for me in my life at 36 because i will always be focused on my age and dying and the past gone

there's no way out of this prison

there just isn't

I tried for two years and have only gotten worse and will continue to

It is too hard to even brush my teeth, shower etc

there's no hope

i have no one and am all alone

I just see disaster and danger in every single second and that will just get worse

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((feary)))

it seems as if you have already decided and that is so sad because no matter how bad it gets (and it gets bad for all of us), there is always the moment in which one chooses for things to be different.

In that one moment you can decide to change your thoughts. Even with OCD I've managed to break the thoughts down one tiny piece at a time. I'm not there yet nowhere close but I started from a point similar to yours and within a couple of years I've managed to get the OCD down to a few billion thoughts a day and the anxiety and agoraphobia to the point where if I get the courage to go out onto the deck, I now walk inside in a dignified manner when the neighbour gets home rather than bolting inside as if him seeing me would blister my skin.

Wake up feary, let life in don't block it out and then complain that its not there for you...You and ONLY you are in control of whether you will get well from this. I know it seems all up hill and hard, and I'm not going to say that it's easy but it is POSSIBLE.

I was the most hopeless case I knew of and I felt as if I didn't deserve to take up space in the universe...but I've come from that to where I am now...and that is a really big thing for me. I wouldn't even let sunlight touch my skin and now I even go into town on occasion...going this thurs to see a doctor

Anything is possible feary if you just give it a chance

((((hugs))))

Rhiannon

[muncie]

feary, rhiannonsmoon, I feel deep within there's a living spirit that (sooner or later) arises and becomes discontent with these walls in which we imprison ourselves. This spirit presses us forward in our journey to heal.