I am going crazy

I just wish the intrusive thoughts would stop. They wont.

((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))

I wish that for you too!
(for me as well ...)

Warm thoughts,
Fuzzy

((((((jmo))))))))

i think a lot of times people underestimate the pure frustration and anxiety that are produced by intrusive thoughts. its horrible. i hope things get better for you!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Did you manage to wean yourself completely from your meds? Maybe it wasn't such a good idea, eh?

Love you, Sweety!

Crazy? I highly doubt it, although it may feel that way at times. I completely understand the intrusive thoughts because I used to get them all the time.

My suggestion would be to try to keep your mind as busy as possible right now. Do anything that requires complex thinking on anything but those intrusive thoughts. When they enter your mind again, refocus on what you were working on and keep going. Each time you get another intrusive thought, refocus on what you were doing in the moment, not on the intrusive thought again. It may get very tiresome, but it's worth it. You may even train your brain to refocus automatically in the future.

Hang in there. We are all here for you.

Hi Jen,

I am so sorry to hear that you are still suffering with these rotten symptoms.

I agree with Lex that it is possible to tune out the intrusive thoughts, but we all get them at different intensities and we can't say how it is for someone else. I have had them really badly at times,and it's gone on for months.

I have gained relief by letting the thoughts do their thing, a bit like having tinnitus, and then carrying on with what I am doing. For me, the secret was to depersonalise the thoughts (which were always self attacking) and regard them as an annoyance rather than a personal attack.

I found this very important. If I imagine that my deceased father is saying hurtful things to me, then to have them repeated over and over again would be excruciating. But, If I imagine that my neighbour is hurling abuse at me, I could laugh it off, because my neighbour doesn't know me. It's not personal.

For me, the turning point came when I realised that my intrusive thoughts were like the neighbour, they were just a noise in my head, or a noise next door, nothing more than that.

It was the realisation that the intrusive thoughts couldn't hurt me any more than I'd already been hurt that made them stop hurting me. Then slowly they started to fade away. None of us know how long a recovery will last, but it feels like I've achieved something.

Having intrusive thoughts is like having a bully inside your own mind. It is one of the most challenging experiences I have ever had to deal with, but I came through it and I know that you will come through it as well. You are a strong person, and I've known you long enough to have faith in your strength.

Good luck Jen, we are all with you.

Myzen

Yeh, it's like learning to ignore a fly that landed on your forehead. Good Luck

((((Jen))))
Intrusive thoughts are most horrible. I'm here for you if you need me. You're NOT going crazy. We care about you here, and we'll help you get through this..

Hugs, Jenn

(((((((((((((((((JMO))))))))))))))))
I am sorry you are going through this.
I understand how devastating and distracting intrusive thoughts can be. Then can knock down weeks of good therapy.
It is frustrating.
I know your pain.
I am here for you!

Thank you again to all of you for your responses and your concern.

I have received a few PM's telling me that talking about what is going on with me is what I need to do, and that it is the healthy thing to do. I do agree although, isolation is much easier for me .

My intrusive thoughts are hard for me to talk about. Mainly because I am extremely ashamed of them. About a year ago I was having horrible thoughts of hurting my youngest child, my son. He is 9 years old (almost 10). They were not specific thoughts on how I would hurt him. It was just thoughts of what if I blacked out and hurt him. I didnt trust myself because I was afraid that I would hurt him. I never shared these feelings with anyone for a few months. I finally felt safe and comfortable enough to share my thoughts with my T. She spent our entire session providing me with literature about OCD and fear of hurting a loved one. She told me that thoughts of this nature are very common for someone with OCD. Although I felt relieved I still felt ashamed. After speaking with her several times about this, I felt comfortable enough to speak freely about it with my hubby and best friend. I have mentioned it on the boards a while back but not in detail. Lately the thoughts are increasing again and I dont know why. It is making me feel extremely uncomfortable around him. I know, logicly this is my OCD, but the shame that I feel when I look into his eyes is overwhelming and I feel horrible. I feel sad because I would never harm a hair on his head.

Yesterday my son and I got into a horrible fight. I was screaming he was screaming and I ended up throwing one of his toys across the room and I broke it. He started kicking my leg and them bit me on arm and left a mark. My first instinct was to hit him but I didnt. I started to cry and walked upstairs. I was so upset with myself. After a few minutes I went back downstairs and said some things to my son that I now regret. I told him that I didnt like him anymore and that I was tired of him not listening and acting like this. He started to cry and I didnt comfort him. I just went out back and cried. My son cried himself to sleep last night and all the while I just wanted to die. I was so angry with myself for saying those things to him. I feel like the worst mother in the world. These are things that I had to listen to my father day to me when I was growing up and I dont want to be anything like my father. I tried talking to my son today. I told him that I loved him and that I was sorry about the things that I said to him. He just seemed so distant. Hubby said that I went overboard with what I said but I was angry. I was angry with him and with me. I just feel like my hole life is going to %#@&#!.

I was doing pretty well and I was looking forward to the holidays and now my life feels like its falling apart at the seams. My anxiety is up. Intrusive thoughts are up. I am beginning to think that think will never get better. I just have to learn to cope with this forever.

I just feel like I am going nuts.

Jen~
Your not going nuts. Your just so stressed beyond what your body and mind can handle hon. Life is so hard sometimes. There are no easy answers to anything . What I would hope you could do sometime soon here is to try to find a clinic that has a sliding scale fee so you can get back into therapy. Most of the time those clinics I think have pdocs too that can treat you . And also they may be able to give you your meds for free. I know when hubby is laid off from work ,mine gives me my meds at no cost ( just my antidepressant and mood stabilizer ) IF you need help looking into it I'd be happy to help you. You need to know you have someone to talk to. And who can help you out too. Know that you can always talk to me or pm me . I am here for you ok? Do this for you first and then for your family.

Love ya~
Hugz~
Bethy

TRIGGER POTENTIAL ; HEADS UP

jmo, Whew hon, biggy on yer plate. I realized I had become my father when I was 15 and found myself at the top of a marble staircase with a 4 week old crying infant in my hands, which were raised above my head, ready to chuck her down the stairs to get a moment's peace. She had been wailing, as only a tiny infant can, for 8 hours. she was sick. Her Mom shoulda never gone out.... But, there I was, absolutely had HAD IT with the noise..... I just needed one f'n minute of silence fer God's sake....... Well, thankfully, just before I chucked her, she shut up(hand of Godd?) and I was able to catch myself, right there at the very last instant....... Holy *****, I "came to" with her up there, above my head, in my own hands, and about died from knowing what I had just about done....... I lowered her to my chest and swore on her life to get rid of acting out of anger in violence. I had to give up violence. Including against myself. Whew. Raging: It was the only way my family dealt with anything.

I had no idea of alternative behaviors. No one to talk to. I literally sat on my hands when the urges hit.... Started screaming instead...... that sucked too. Finally, with the love of this family of kids I was taking care of, I learned how to use my brain and speak with them about what was pissing me off and they learned how to speak with me about what was pissing them off and it turned into a beautiful thing between us. I am still in awe of that group transformation ...... 40+ years ago.

Hang in there. Many things are possible. Do you do couseling with yer kid? Family? When one changes, all must change to the new alignment. Work work work of the hardest yet most fulfilling kind.

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Lexicon78 said:
Crazy? I highly doubt it, although it may feel that way at times. I completely understand the intrusive thoughts because I used to get them all the time.

My suggestion would be to try to keep your mind as busy as possible right now. Do anything that requires complex thinking on anything but those intrusive thoughts. When they enter your mind again, refocus on what you were working on and keep going. Each time you get another intrusive thought, refocus on what you were doing in the moment, not on the intrusive thought again. It may get very tiresome, but it's worth it. You may even train your brain to refocus automatically in the future.

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Lexicon is right. Keeping the mind busy is part of it. I had my worst moments while I made breakfast in the morning and they would come in the silence of the house. They'd pop in and I would allow them to stew in my brain till whenever it was most convenient to cause a ruckus with my spouse. Many times we argued on the way to work. Then one morning I realized it was the silence and wandering mind that allowed them in in the first place. So I brought a radio into the kicthen to fill the air. It worked pretty good too I might add. I've had to do other exercises to keep them silent, and yes, they slowly go away. But the biggest breakthrough came when I realized why I had them.

Hi Jen,

You have done so well getting this issue out on the forum. Nothing bad can come from sharing your hard times with us, nothing bad at all.

Reading your post, and thinking about it, I understand why you are so unhappy at the moment.

It's my guess that your son is young enough not to remember the wobbly times in the future, it's not the main issue. As a good mother, you are worried about how your illness impacts on him, and that is so understandable.

I had to work very hard to keep my symptoms away from my daughter, and then in later life I was able to share something with her, but not all of it. I'm pretty sure that this is a big part of what is bothering you at the moment, trying to deal with the illness and the dynamics with your son, it's a big job.

You are a brave lady for sharing with us. I would say to take support from wherever you can get it, and to keep talking and sharing as much as you can. A lot of us have been in your spot, and we do understand.

Good thoughts, M

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jmo531 said:

About a year ago I was having horrible thoughts of hurting my youngest child, my son. He is 9 years old (almost 10). They were not specific thoughts on how I would hurt him. It was just thoughts of what if I blacked out and hurt him. I didnt trust myself because I was afraid that I would hurt him.

Lately the thoughts are increasing again and I dont know why. It is making me feel extremely uncomfortable around him. I know, logicly this is my OCD, but the shame that I feel when I look into his eyes is overwhelming and I feel horrible. I feel sad because I would never harm a hair on his head.

Yesterday my son and I got into a horrible fight. I was screaming he was screaming and I ended up throwing one of his toys across the room and I broke it. He started kicking my leg and them bit me on arm and left a mark. My first instinct was to hit him but I didnt. I started to cry and walked upstairs. I was so upset with myself. After a few minutes I went back downstairs and said some things to my son that I now regret. I told him that I didnt like him anymore and that I was tired of him not listening and acting like this. He started to cry and I didnt comfort him. I just went out back and cried. My son cried himself to sleep last night and all the while I just wanted to die. I was so angry with myself for saying those things to him. I feel like the worst mother in the world. These are things that I had to listen to my father day to me when I was growing up and I dont want to be anything like my father. I tried talking to my son today. I told him that I loved him and that I was sorry about the things that I said to him. He just seemed so distant. Hubby said that I went overboard with what I said but I was angry. I was angry with him and with me. I just feel like my hole life is going to %#@&#!.

I was doing pretty well and I was looking forward to the holidays and now my life feels like its falling apart at the seams. My anxiety is up. Intrusive thoughts are up. .

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Let me say, you are not nuts. And I confess, before I wrote out the below, I looked back on some of your postings to be sure of what I thought.

I feel so bad for you and your family. I suppose I feel the most for your son because I can see myself in his place when I was young. I'm not saying this to beat you up, but to say this can be fixable if you take a risk with your son and tell him the truth of why you said what you did. By truth, I mean explaining the Game you are playing with him, and your husband and most importantly, with yourself.

THE GAME

By what you said about your father saying bad things to you, there is uncovered a need to get control back over your son's life. So for the last year after this bad thought, you've been thinking of him growing up, becoming a teen, a young adult person, and OH MY GOSH!!! NOT DEPENDING ON YOU ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! So while he's still young enough to control, this thought of hurting him, mentally or physically, pops in as a solution to grab control back over his life, because this is what your father did to you by being horrible, he has been able to control your life even to this day proven by the disabling thoughts you have now. (I suspect this comes from the overbearing, strict and critical Parent information inside you) And so it also makes you feel ashamed about it, you hold it closely to your heart, hurting yourself with it again and again and again over this last year. Does it bring you to the same place you are trying to stay away from?

Do you realize you said those words to your son to actually enable you to get to that place where your father put you years ago? That place of pain and suffering so familiar to the NOT OK child of years ago.

This is the Game you see. You do something purposely to cause the familiar pain and suffering you once felt under the thumb of the antagonist in your childhood. It is the Child inside, the vindictive, mean and cruel child, that said these words to your son in order to hurt him and to verify to yourself that you are a terrible mother and a horrible person. That's the Game. So now you have the shamed Child inside, and the critical Parent inside beating on the Child for what was said, and you the Adult, finds that you can't shut them up and can't find the way to make things better between the three of yourselves. This also comes typically to people who have a Game, to run the Game when everything is going pretty smoothly. And so to reignite the bad feelings and regain our place of sorrow, sadness and self-loathing, we say or do something stupid.

The only other that I can offer you, is to take a read of the pages in my siggy, as it will explain the Parent, Child and Adult relationship inside each one of us. The other is to fess up the Game to your son and husband and work towards becoming responsible for the Child and Parent inside yourself. We know you love your son, but just saying sorry won't convey how deeply you love him or why you would want to hurt him to make yourself feel bad. It will be hard for him to understand, as it was hard for my husband to understand a few weeks ago when I realized what my own Game's payoff was. It was to feel worthless, lost, stupid, empty. I suspect you've been suffering under your father's grip forever and the OCD you've been dx'd with is a result of this relationship. Though I haven't seen anything really obsessive in what you written at all. And I know you don't need me telling you that the damage done to your boy by your words has cut him deeply and without intervening quickly with the confession of the Game, he is at risk for future problems. Look into Transactional Analysis for the whole family if you can find someone in your area. If nothing else, read what's in my siggy, then go on to the book suggested therein, INNER CHILD OF THE PAST and I'M OK YOU'RE OK by DR Thomas Harris. GAMES PEOPLE PLAY BY ERIC BERNE MD is what made me see my Game.

Thank you all for your replies. I always appreciate the feedback I receive here.

Huggles,

Jen

Jen,
I'm so sorry things are so hard for you now. I don't know very much about OCD. It occurs to me though that if your father said abusive things to you as a child, that this is programmed into the back of your head. Do you feel you have the ability to supervise yourself, and maintain some emotional distance between you and your son, until things balance out some.

Do the intrusive thoughts put you down, or are you remembering some traumatic event?

Maybe there is an event that happened around Christmas in your childhood that you have repressed. Maybe now it is trying to rise to the surface, and is disrupting your feelings.

Is there a type of prescription medication that could help quiet your thinking some until this period passes?

Hoping this note finds you feeling better. Let us know what we can do.

Praying for a special Christmas blessing for your whole family,

Jane

Hi Jane and thank you for your reply. Yes, I did endure alot of abuse from my father as a child and even as an adult. Certain things that he did and said are burned into my memories and my soul and will never be forgotten.

The intrusive thoughts that I have do make me feel sad, ashamed and guilty. I do not beleive that they have to do with a repressed memory. Although, in the past few months I have remembered something that my father did.

I am currently on medication (for depression) that does help with the thoughts but unfortunatly nothing is 100 %.

I appreciate your response and support for me. Take care and thank you for your prayers.


Huggles,


Jen

Jen,
How about coming up with an affirmation to counteract the intrusive thoughts -- something like, "I am loved and forgiven."

Let us know how you're doing.

Praying for special Christmas blessings you and yours, Jane

I am hanging in there. One day at a time.

I don't have any advice for you because I'm in the same place. But things will get better for you. I find that it helps me to talk about the thoughts to someone that I trust. Or sometimes I just say that I'm having the horrible thoughts and it helps.
Hope you have better thoughts soon.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Thank you Estee

((((((((((((((((((Estee)))))))))))))))))

Hi Jen and everyone,

I've been thinking some more about the intrusive thoughts problem.

I had this really bad, about 2 years ago, maybe 200-300 hurtful thoughts per day. I decided to work hard on making a place in my mind where I could live. I could still hear the thoughts of course, but I was able to get on with something else.

I think it is vital that we are able to do something other than focus on the thoughts. I don't think of this as a distraction, but as actually getting on with our lives at some level. It helps if we can choose something that we find important, as that makes it feels less like a distraction.

This is what I did.

I posted supportively on the web.

I put together a collection of psychology and philosophy books, buying off the internet and at auctions (I would go to auctions and hang out at the back, never speaking to anyone).

I wrote up my life history (the good and the bad) and sorted out all the photos etc. I also kept a daily diary of the illness, keeping that separate from my own diary.

I took some holidays and forced my boundaries - flying on airplanes and stuff.

I wrote poems about the illness and about my painful childhood, which I now perform publicly (to my own amazement).

OK - I know it's sounds a bit braggy to say that I still did things while I was ill, but believe me I was very ill - lost my job, lost three stones in weight, could hardly eat, locked myself away in my room for months on end, stopped watching TV - all that kind of stuff.

Anyway, that's how it worked for me, I just knew that I had to hold on to something inside myself or I would go down, it was like that for me - sink or swim.

I truly believe that we are all stronger than we think we are, if we can find that place where our strength comes from and tap into it. Yes, there were times that I didn't think I would come through, but I'm still here and that's the aim IMHO, to survive and make something of what's left.

Peace to us all, M

Myzen,

Great post and I dont think you were bragging at all. I find it very helpful to hear others insights and to see what has worked for others because, that is how we help and support people from speaking from our own experiences.

I think you and I are alot alike, we suffer with the same dx and share similar intrusive thoughts. We see eye to eye on alot of things and each of us have tried in our own way to battle this illness with everything we have. You are a great inspiration to me and to all of us here Myzen. Your supportive and caring posts carry us through our darkest times.

I liked your suggestion about keeping a journal of the past and of the present day seperatly. This is something that has sparked my interest. I am not one to want to dwell and/or relive the past but I know that facing it, feeling it and then dealing with it, is the key to being able to feel again and to be free from my past. No one said it would be easy, did they?

Well I will end my post there. I could babble all day. LOL

Thank you again My :P. Your awesome


Huggles,


Jen