[Rhapsody]

BIG SIGH.......................................

While I am thrilled and blessed to be back home with my husband and family (after 30 days away) I am also having those panic attacks again - the ones that left me alone while I was away....
I just feel like crying - - -

While I know that I still have some unresolved feelings left in me and that in time I too will work through them - I just hate having to face the FACTS (I have been deeply wounded)....... phooie spit spit.

When will the past be left just there - in the past? - for I so what to carry on with my life and with my love affair with my dear husband (a man who loves me and yet has made some mistakes, but now he is changing).

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Just sharing, not for sure where I am trying to go with this, but I will see as others reply back.... maybe some thing will come to ME as I talk it out with all you wonderful and caring people on here?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Hi Rhapsody,
I don't know your whole situation, but I am sorry that you are feeling "lost" again. I hope you feel better, and anything I can do to help, just holler! Or pm me, that would probably be better .

I know what it's like to have panic attacks, and the fact that you didn't have them while you were away makes me curious. If you could avoid having them at home that would be great! Is there something triggering your attacks at home? You mentioned being deeply wounded and having unresolved feelings, which is a surefire gateway for panic attacks. I don't really know what else to say except I hope you feel better, and if you ever want to talk I am here, as are all the other wonderful people on this site. Take care.

Hugs,
Sujin

[Rhapsody]

YES..... sadly enough it is my own "Dear Loving Husband - I am really having a hard time of letting go of the past with all that my mind remembers / knows.

BTW - we just had out 20th Anniversary on April 6th (w00t w00t)....... We both have renewed our vows and have promised & committed our hearts to making the next 20 plus years so much more better and loving than the last 20 years that the good memories will no choice but to over come the bad ones..... and then hopefully forgotten.

The MIND can be ones WORST ENEMY at times........................................ phooie spit spit.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

Still feeling LOST today.... but after a restless night sleep I am starting to believe that the feeling goes much deeper than first thought.... Maybe it is "ME" the person that is really and truly LOST? ? ?

BIG SIGH ........................................................... (sad)

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[SongBirdandDaisy]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have been deeply hurt

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I think I know what you're saying here, Rhapsody, and if so, I too have been deeply hurt. My anxiety is highest when I am at home. I think most of that comes from "the bad hurt" and trying to pretend it's in the past. Trying to pretend everything is normal - not just with that but also the other stuff in my mental health life. I don't know how to help you resolve that, except maybe knowing that you're not alone and somehow, we'll get through this.

Hugs, if okay,
Songbird

[Rhapsody]

YOU know what? - I realize that I am SCARED....... scared that the new HOPE that has finally come over the horizon will not last or that it is not really true.
I FEAR that my husband's new way of being will not last....... that it will all pass away, that I will wake up and see that is was but only another dream.

My LIFE > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
Why won't my feelings / fears let me see HIM as he is today and not as he use to be?

Rhapsody,
That is very enlightening to hear! It's good that you are recognizing your fears and realizing why you are having those feelings.

I understand so well what you mean when you say you have a fear of things being full of hope and that your husbands new way of being is a fear to you because you wonder if it will last. I often have those fears also when things are going really well, it's like I'm almost waiting for something to come along and take all the happiness away. I wish I had an answer for this, I think that living in the moment is the best way to overcome that fear. We tend to get used to things when they aren't going all that well, and then when things are going good we wonder when they will go back to being bad. I think it is a natural thing to feel this way. We don't want to lose our newfound happiness.

Something that you can tell yourself that I often tell myself is sometimes you have to go through hell before you get to heaven, and it's about time things turned around after so much misery! You are deserving of happiness and I do believe things are going to keep looking up for you. Congrats on renewing your wedding vows, that is so beautiful!

Love,
Sujin

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Because you don't want to get hurt again. Because you're scared that it won't last - I noticed that my fears come and go. I panic as soon as he is upset or on edge or goes to "a meeting". I've recognized all of these as triggers for me. Sometimes I can deal with it - talk myself out of the negative thoughts, sometimes I can't and get depressed thinking - he's doing it again but how do I prove it. Sometimes, I'm strong enough to address the issue and think to myself, what have I got to lose? And I don't deserve this. We're going to be companions, partners or we won't. The first two years of knowing was hard - I stayed with him because of the kids. Now, I still get suspicious but try not to. It's a trigger, but then think, what if he is and I'm denying it like the last time? I don't think there is an easy answer.
My T wants us in couples counseling but he won't go. I could give him an ultimatum - I don't know. I guess he behaves enough for me to keep trying it this way. I have too many issues from child abuse that I'm trying to deal with now - so, one step at a time, and as my psychologist says "trust your gut".
Hugs,
Songbird

[Rhapsody]

QUESTION...................... so do you all think I should inform my husband as to how I am feeling right now (or) should I just ride it out for a month and see how it goes? - see if the feelings lessen in lue of the new changes and with time.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Rhapsody,

The decision is ultimtely yours. You, yourself know the situation best and going with your gut (judgement) is usually the best with thought.

In my experience, I addressed the issues (very difficult and I was terrified because of all the issues that surfaced because of it) right away, even though he was on his best behavior. While the incident was still fresh and he then knew he had to try or meet me half way to resolve the problems (whoever they belong to) that caused the problem in the first place.

I knew if I let things settle down, he would feel safe and not take my emotions and concerns as seriously because he thought everything was okay. He needs to know that what he did caused you great heartache and continues to do so. If you're willing to work through it, it's going to take time and he is going to have to be patient while you learn to trust again. There are nice ways of saying things to keep him off the defensive, because you don't want that.

"I feel ___(emotion)______ when you _____(behavior)_______ and I would prefer that you _____(new action or behavior)_____."

Hope this is helpful. It still hurts me after three years, I go up and down with my feelings toward him, but we're healing. Communication is the key.
Hugs,
Songbird

[Sabrina]

Fear is such an enemy. And such a thief. Fear is the greatest robber of all time.

You are one step ahead of fear though Rhapsody - for you have recognized it. And that is healing start.

My thoughts are with you.