[valium_is_love]

Hi. I'm new here, so first time poster. Obviously.

Anyways. I'm 18 and have agoraphobia. I've had it for what's going on 4 years or so. The first year, I was completely roombound. Second year, I actually managed to get a little better and was able to go on trips and such and live a semi-normal life, but that only lasted for 4-6 months. I had a panic attack and relapsed. I really havn't been out since, nothing note worthy anyways. I feel myself slowly slipping back into being as bad as I was that first year. What's even worse this time though, is that i'm becoming extremely dependant on my family. I can't be alone in the mornings/early afternoons because I panic. I'm not sure what about the mornings/early afternoons make me worse. (Does anyone else notice that they're worse during certain times of the day?) I feel like i'm going crazy. It's actually my biggest fear. Which is in and of itself crazy because I KNOW that's impossible. But yet I can't get the thoughts out of my head. Which leads me to believe I have some form of OCD. Everything has to be -just so- or else I lose it.

In a week, my parents are going out of town for a weekend, it's important and they can't get out of it, so they've hired an aid to stay at the house with me. I'm pretty freaked out about it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel completely hopeless, and I try to stay positive and focus on the good things in life, but it's really difficult. I cry all the time and i'm so needy and clingy. I know all my fears are irrational and just ridiculous, but I can't kick them. I feel like I can never think straight. I feel like i'm always walking on egg shells, and sometimes I even force myself into a panic because feeling 'relaxed' just isn't normal to me. Which again, leads me to believe that I have some form of OCD.

blah blah blah. My point is. I'm terrified of going insane, of forgetting who and where I am, and of fainting. I've been to many, many doctors, all of which said I'm just extremely neurotic, opposed to being psyhcotic. But i'm scared.

I really need some support, so please, feel free to share your stories/tips/anything.

Thanks in advace.

[Parker10]

Hi - You are not a loon, nor are u going to go insane. I was housebound in the past. I thought the same thing as you do. I found the right Doctor, therapy, and medication, and since 1990, after 17 years of UNdiagnosed panic disorder with agoraphobia, I have been panic free.

I think there could be some truth in "feeling relaxed" doesnt feel normal, but I am not sure about forcing a panic attack. IMHO panic can only happen when there is fear, therefore if you actually WANT to feel panic, you cannot. (Sorry, thats my psych degree talking as well as my own experience). I realize that your parents perhaps think getting an aid to stay with you while they are away is helping you, but it is actually enabling you, and to be blunt, the worst thing they could do to HELP you.

IF u have been housebound for 4 years more or less, what did u do about school ? Are you in therapy ? Are you on meds? Great book that might be of help to you and your parents - "Anxiety, Phobias and Panic - Taking Charge and Conquering Fear" by Reneau Z. Peurifoy. I facilitated a Support Group for 7 years for folks with panic disorder, and that was our "bible".

Good luck ! I would be happy to chat with you more about this if u would like.

[valium_is_love]

I started homeschooling when I was in 5th grade. The reasons being completely unrelated to this. I actually did really well in school, graduated when I was 15 and am now taking college classes online.

AND, I disagree with you about that being the 'worst thing they could do' for me. Seeing as how I can't leave the house, I can't even walk my dog... someone needs to be here incase of emergency. I'm freaked out enough that they're not going to be here. Them giving into me wanting one of them to stay behind would be the worst thing they could do.

Valium and Zoloft.

I havn't read that book, but I actually just bought a new one, Panic and Anxiety Workbook... or something. It's pretty neat... now if only I could convince myself of everything it says.

As for the, 'you can't FORCE yourself to panic' thing. I disagree with that as well. I feel like i'm so used to just being a wreck -all- the time, that when I feel relaxed, I feel 'out of it' or not like myself. Which causes me to analyze everything to death, and panic.

I just recently stopped seeing my therapist, because talking to my wall was just as helpful and a lot cheaper.

[Parker10]

Congrats on your early HS degree and taking college classes ! I am probably older than your Mom, and only received my last degree in 1993 - guess old dogs can be taught new tricks! LOL

The book you mentioned is pretty good. If you get a chance to get the one I mentioned, you might really find it wonderful.

I truly understand that being alone for a weekend would be difficult. IF you are totally isolated, with no one to call in case of an emergency, with no one to stop in and visit, etc, then perhaps an aid would be necessary. IMHO, however, I was enabled by family, and it was not until THEY understood that panic attacks and the resulting agoraphobia is in our heads, and the things they thought were helping us were just allowing us to continue to be fearful of those things we were fearful of, did they stop enabling and in actuality, MAKE me get the help I needed, do the work myself and get better - did it happen. I also understand stopping therapy if the therapist wasnt the right kind for you........I had several before I found an In Vivo Therapist , which is what saved me (also what I spent almost 12 years doing as a career). Perhaps you could find one - they actually take you out, talk you through your fears, give you coping skills, etc.

We will have to agree to disagree on panic attacks happening when we are not afraid of them, or when we want them to happen. Panic does not happen unless there is fear, and to want to panic - removes the fear of doing so. That is not to say that you are so fearful of being "relaxed" that you cant panic tho.

I truly am sorry that you are suffering with this ! Having been there myself, I hate to know of anyone else going thru it. I wish you all the best in getting better.

[Rhapsody]

AND - I feel your pain, for I have been where you are now....... and I can honestly say that I am getting better, in time. One must cont' to work on the issues (baby steps) before they can run the race of Life & People.... YOU can DO IT and YOU will get there in your own time.

Just cont' to talk on here and to share your feelings and thoughts with us and in time you will start to see some answers to your inner questions.... I PROMISE!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[mangledreality]

Hey, I have "forced" a panic attack laugh if you want but I get panicted about if I am going to get Panicted. I get scared that I might get scared. I have problem In mornings when fam is leaving for work. I have to be asleep or know someone is in house. I had heard that some say a panic attack is more about not being able to get back to your safe place for example your car, your room your special closet, I get scared I will have my hull. and see stuff and get so worked up and so "crazy" that the person I am is gone for ever. Locked AWAY IN mY HEAD. I know the time when I am most at risk and seeing that clock head that way sends me off. nice to now some of us are kinda the same!!

[Parker10]

I would agree with what u say - u are so "scared" of having a panic attack, that you have one. That is absolutely 100% possible and normal with those of us with panic disorder........but in order for you to panic about having a panic attack - there is FEAR present. You FEAR having a panic attack. Does that clear up my stance on not being able to have one IF you want one - because to have one, there has to be fear present ? Just so you know, I would never laugh at someone who has panic attacks........they are horrible, and I wouldnt wish them on anyone !