Not doing well

I don't even know why I'm posting this, because I'm too tired to elaborate. But, I'm not doing well. Things feel very... don't know the right word... out of control, I guess.

I'm (still) reading a book called "Wherever You Go, There You Are". It's an attempt to help me meditate my way through some of this stuff. It's sort of helping. I don't know what else I can do, though.

Frustrated.

I'm practically NEVER able to spend more than a few seconds on PC at a time these days, so please bear with me if I don't respond right away (that is, if anyone bothers to reply to me at all).

I'm here. You know where to find me to talk.

I am sorry that you are not doing well LMo. I will keep you in my thoughts.

(((((((((((LMo)))))))))

I'm sorry you are not feeling well. If you are hiding, it's not a good way to cope though. But if you have to take a break from here to get back on your feet then it's the best thing for you to do.

agnes, i know you're too busy to get to be here too much.......but you aren't forgotten and i'm sending you mega vibes......

and Texas is a callin you......two-stepping and boot scooting...........

try to take a wee bit of time for yourself every chance you get.......

that is a good book. there aren't any geographical cures.....we're always with us. love ya, ethel

Sorry you are struggling.

Not sure if this will be of any help-- but remember-- one can only control themelf and how they think, feel and let other things affect them.

Sometimes letting things go-(what will be will be) is so hard but can be a step in the right direction-- you know?

Thinking of you--

{{{{{{{{LMo}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Here's hoping you're feeling better. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Mary Alice

((((((((((( LMo ))))))))))) Feeling out of control is very scary. Like someone else said, you can only control your thoughts and reactions, and you can't control other people, a hard lesson I am still learning I hope things feel smoother and safer for you soon! I have also tried the geographical cure, it doesn't work!

(((((LMo)))))

Thanks guys - I'm already late for work and shouldn't be typing this. What feels out of control is that my husband, who as you know was depressed for 2 years because he was unemployed, yet was too depressed to become employed, was fired three months ago. With our T, we worked out an agreement that he would have 3 months to look for a new job or get back into school, to reduce the pressure that I feared would send him back into a new depressive episode. Well, the 3 months is up today, and as far as I know, he hasn't even looked for a job. He's been busy and productive, sure, but.... no job, and no school. We tried talking about it with T on Tuesday but he clammed up and stopped talking. By the end of the session, we got him to loosen up a bit and came up with some interim steps (he has T again today at 1pm, for example) but still... Yeah, I know I can only control myself, but a) I can't handle another 2 years of him being mortally depressed, and b) I can't handle another 2 years of being the sole provider and dealing with my family's harrassment about it.



I'll be ok. Just getting through the day today.

Thanks Ethel.

You know - the little guy banging his head against the wall looks like he's getting a lot of relief out of it. Almost feel like doing the same thing myself... being conscious and aware is getting really old...

This is SO not me, btw... I realize that...

for both shoulders............

Sending you hugs>>>>>>>>>>>>

((((((((((((((( LMo ))))))))))))))))))

As you would say-

*****************.........onward and upward!*****************

heh - thanks Pegasus!

I keep the Signatures option turned off, so I forget that's what mine says!

LMo and Friends,

Having a husband that most days feels like he's trying to drive off the road, can make a wife feel like it is essential to her survival to stay in control -- afterall her life may depend on it.

Hope you see this note, LMo,

Hugs,

EJ

LMo -

I know what you mean, being too tired to ellaborate on something or what's going on.

Hugs,

EJ

LMo -

If I waited for my husband to look for a job, I would be dead and gone before he did, but I respect the fact you are seeing a therapist together and taking a different approach.

I handed him the newspaper with a job marked Wed., on the way to foot doctor to have the stitches in my foot removed. When I returned, he said he had called, and the guy sounded nice, and he thought he would be going on an interview. By the end of the day he had a job.

It's not your family's business. It's your life.

Just to get you to look at it another way, during this 10 month desert period of my husband's (refusing to look for a job, b/c he thought he should be entitled to retire b/c he was 65 -- nevermind how our finances looked), I would have been thrilled to be making enough money to support the two of us again. This is not in anyway to invalidate how you're feeling, b/c I have felt that way too.

Hugs,

EJ

LMo,

Have you tried screaming into a pillow?

It doesn't hurt as much as banging your head, although I know that's what living with a depressed person can be like.

Hugs,

EJ

EJ - thanks for all of your replies and support! I know that you understand... thanks. Especially about the driving off the road part... lots of people really wouldn't get that, but you clearly do. My H is not really 'depressed' these days, per se, but either he's teetering on the brink or I am just hypersensitive to his signs. Probably the latter. My T has said several times that I was traumatized by my H's past depression, so I keep reacting as if it's going to be a replay. It's not necessarily so... it's not necessarily so... (keep repeating to self).

Screaming into a pillow... no, can't say that I have. I live in the city, remember? My neighbors would call the cops instantly.

I know that it's not my family's business - and I tell them as much. But it doesn't mean that I am immune to their worry (which to me feels like harassment and nagging, although I know that their heart is in the right place). In our shoes, we also suffer a stigma of depression -- it's not just the depressed that get it -- the spouses/SOs get it too. It's not easy to deal with. I can't tell you how many times it has been insinuated, usually by coworkers or people who don't know us well, that I'm his sugarmomma, or I'm an enabler because I don't "make" him get his act together (as if...), or that I must be secretly enjoying the position of power over him to let our relationship be so financially unbalanced. Oh how I enjoy hearing that stuff... NOT.

Well anyway, an update: H went to T yesterday by himself. He is supposed to have a formal proposal written by Tuesday, outlining what he would like to do and what he is asking from me. The key here is ASK -- my T is awesome and she is really driving home that it is NOT okay for him to just unilaterally decide that looking for a job is too much pressure. If he wants to take it slowly, it needs to be a joint decision since I'm the one who has to carry the load in the meantime. It is SUCH a relief to have someone go to bat for me -- when I do it for myself, it turns into a big fight no matter how gently or compassionately I try to explain it. He is naturally feeling very defensive -- I don't blame him -- but he doesn't handle his defensive feelings well -- even with her -- but having an objective 3rd party helps him see that I'm not being harsh and unreasonable.

Anyway, we'll see what happens. Going to bed soon. Thanks again everyone

LMo,

I think you are doing things so well. I hope with all my heart that things work out for both of you.

When you stated about being traumatized by your husband's passed depression-- that is very understandable. I'm sure it's been so hard. Though, I agree with you saying to yourself--- this time -- "it's not necessarily so.... it's not necessarily so".
My husband lost a job(got fired) a few years ago and I couldn't get him off the couch... his depression was debilitating. That's when our boys were very small and it was just weeks before Christmas. SO's depression can and does affect the whole family. I really understand.

I hope my previous post on this thread didn't seem like I was saying "suck it up" and get on with things. That's not what I meant at all. I was trying to say that there's only so much one can do when it comes to the actions of others in our lives. We can't make them do the things we wish they would do--, they must see the value of doing it themselves. I was also trying to say that it's not all up to you (you shouldn't have to have the whole burden-- that's way too much for anyone)--- some of the responsibility should go to him--- which is, by your last post - what you and the T. are doing. It sounds like you have a great T. , that really makes a difference I'm sure. I'm glad for you that you have her. (sorry I'm not very good at expressing what I mean )

It also makes it hard when others in one's 3-D life don't understand and aren't supportive in a helping way. I wish people were more informed about mental struggles and could understand. I guess it's hard for some to know, if they have never experienced similar.

I really hope your H. can see beyond and reach for the future. If it's the same for him as it is for me, when I'm low (which I've been for a long time now) I struggle to see past the next minute let alone the next day or week. He's so fortunate to have you there and also in having a great T. I'm hoping things get better for you guys.

Thinking of you

LMo -

WOW - your T does sound awesome. Having someone go to bat for you ---- SUPER!!!

I think it's normal that you feel hypersensitive to how your husband is feeling, and any possible signs that he is headed back down the road to depression that is so harmful to your life together.

I thought that was really interesting about how your family's worry feels like harassment and nagging. Wow, I think that's really insightful and is stirring a thought in the back of my head about my childhood.

Nothing like financially carrying your husband for whatever reason, and then have to bear the burden of being misjudged by other people on top of everything. I'm sorry you've had to endure all this.

You really do need a third person to deal with spouses who are depressed. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful one. It really gets old trying to communicate with someone who practically lives in defensive mode!

Here's hoping and praying for a positive outcome --

Please keep us posted -- we want to be able to carry you and support you!!!!!

Hugs and love,

EJ

You guys are amazing -- I'm so glad I have found people who understand! Thank you both!

But definitely feel free to tell me when I'm being unreasonable or heading down the wrong path ... it's very hard to get lost in this whole thing and lose the bigger perspective.

Thanks guys

LMo -

Depressed husbands will try to make you believe you are being unreasonable, so they don't have to deal with their issues.

Repeat after me, "I am an understanding, generous, patient, caring and reasonable wife, who for some reason unbeknownst to me at this time thought it was a good idea to marry this man." -- shakes or bangs head (you decide) on wall -- What did I see in this man? -- shakes or bangs head again --lol.

Hugs and love,

EJ

"I am an understanding, generous, patient, caring and reasonable wife, who for some reason unbeknownst to me at this time thought it was a good idea to marry this man."

"I am an understanding, generous, patient, caring and reasonable wife, who for some reason unbeknownst to me at this time thought it was a good idea to marry this man."

"I am an understanding, generous, patient, caring and reasonable wife, who for some reason unbeknownst to me at this time thought it was a good idea to marry this man."

... actually, it REMAINS a good idea to have married this man. He is truly remarkable and worthy of my full respect. I love him without reserve and certainly have no regrets. I just wish this career thing wasn't such a struggle for him I know it isn't easy and having undiagnosed ADD (which I bah-humbugged until recently) made things very difficult for him when everyone else was packing off to college and he couldn't make a decision about what direction he should take. It's a mistake he still lives with, because he remains without direction to this day. His new meds are helping a LOT, and I think with our T's help, he'll find his path. It's just so hard to not do it for him, even though I know that it's the worst thing I could try to do. It's painful to watch someone you love struggle to do something that seems really easy.