Not doing well

I don't know a lot about ADD, but my son's g/f has it.. She has been on meds since grade school... She flunked out the first semester of college and decided to take a break...then she took one class and failed again... She is now taking a summer class and she is making A's.. so there is success and failure... but they have to keep trying as my son's g/f did... She is rather proud of herself.. ....Although she is almost 6' she seems to "walk a lil taller" with more confidence than she had been...

Oo yes... she stopped take her ADD meds a year ago because she didn't like how they made her feel... She is forgetful at times which also frustrates my son.. She also said it is hard for her to concentrate in class...She is trying and I gotta give her credit for trying...

I know you are frustrated and I sense your fear.....

Maybe write a note on the refrig that he needs to complete the applications .. Put a note on the bathroom mirror... too.....

Poor concentration also can be part of depression.. I know at times I have serious concentration problems.... When I can, "somehow I can "inside" grab hold and can focus better... at times.... but when stressed or under pressure I am a basket case... I haven't always been this way, but that is how it has been for several years....

Don't forget... You don't have to do "everything" for him... You can do only so much... and your stressed big time now... so you need to lay back from his problems and focus on you.... which is sometimes easier said than done......

Thanks again, RF... you have been very good to me today.

Sooooooooooo did hubby fill out the three applications today?????????? just wondering ....

(((((((((((((((((( LMo ))))))))))))))))))))))

Time for you to take some time just for you! Go do something special just for you. No hubby. Just you.

Self-care!

Well, I just got home (8pm) and he's still in his PJs and is in a foul mood.

I can't believe I'm back to where I was 3 years ago. I really thought we had developed better ways of coping than this.

You could put some of that "itch powder" in his PJ's... Might keep him out of them for awhile... grins.... If you can't find the itch powder, extra starch his jammies... starch em so much that they can stand up ... grins

And that foul mood...I'd make him sleep on the porch for that....

Suggestion box here... Tell him it would be nice if he had dinner ready when you got home for work.. and if he doesn't your are going to hire a sexy, male cook.........live in too...and move his (hubby's) butt to the basement

This is really bad - we're back to the same old thing. I can't believe this. We just wasted the last 45 minutes arguing about the fact that he has slipped back into his old bad habit of withdrawing and apathy. He said it tonight ... the dreaded words... "what's the point in trying? nothing ever matters".

I really feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. I can't go through this again. Night after night coming home to this. I don't know what to do. I can't make him try and I can't make him leave the house and I can't even get him off the couch. I feel unwanted and unwelcome and completely uncomfortable in my own house. YES, it's fine with me if he moves out but how do I MAKE him do that when he can't even make himself get up to answer the phone? How do I change this???????????

Sweetie, I don't know what to tell you at all. You know I was the exact opposition situation - I was in your H's place. But my solution isn't what you're hoping for. And you aren't in denial about his depression like my ex was about mine. He seems to be reacting to you the same way I reacted to the ex, though. I resented everything he suggested.

I wish I could give you a solution for a happy outcome, but I can't and it's leaving me sad. You've always helped bring me up when I'm down and I can't do the same thing for you right now.

Be prepared for a ramble...

Thanks Wi_fi... it helps so much to know that you care. Your outcome (as we discussed last night) is exactly what I *don't* want but this is one of the reasons I'm so terrified. When he's depressed, all logic flies out the window and he resents me for things that I have nothing to do with -- like losing his job in the first place. I actually got blamed for that last night, based on some extremely loose and pieced-together connection that made very little sense. On Sunday, I had offered to shovel some gravel off the patio and put it in a bucket so that when he's ready to use it, it will be convenient for him and the next thing you know, he was screaming at me for always complaining and criticizing him. Huh? But whether it's rational or not, he clearly feels resentment when he's depressed (and maybe underlying resentment when he's NOT depressed... who knows?) and I seem to be the target of it.

This triggers (as much as I hate that word) bad flashbacks of my first marriage. We were together for 6 years (come to think of it, I've been with H for 6 years now too... yikes) and while we certainly had our share of struggles, I thought our relationship was pretty strong overall. We went to counseling together every week or two (his idea), just to make sure that the lines of communication were open, yet he never once mentioned that he was considering a separation or divorce. He dropped the bomb on me after a business trip - he had decided that he wanted a separation. Two weeks later, he wrote me a letter saying that it was time to face reality and that he was filing for divorce. I found a fax that he had sent to his parents (for some reason, he always assumed that I couldn't read his native language even though I studied it for several years), saying how for the past few years, he has completely hated me and he finally was doing something about it. You can imagine how this destroyed my ability to feel confident that I know how to gauge my standing in a relationship.

So now, in addition to what seems to be a relapse (ha - I do realize how ironic it was that just two days ago I was saying "he's not depressed" and yes, I feel like a moron about it), I worry that he could hate me too. Honestly, if he wanted to divorce me I suppose one could say that I'd be better off in many respects. It's not so much that I couldn't survive without HIM. It's more that I'm worried about the ensuing emotional damage that I would suffer after TWO involuntary divorces. It wouldn't be a fear of rejection, per se, but rather a fear that I am a poor judge of how people feel about me.

Ok, to calm myself down... my H, when not depressed, appears to love me tremendously. We are normally very, very close -- each others' rocks. We normally have an intimate bond that I actually learned to believe wouldn't break (which is saying a lot given my past experience and subsequent fear). This could be the depression talking... but then again, what if it isn't? What if he ALWAYS feels this much resentment, but has more energy to hide it? And how do I konw how bad his depression really is, anyway? If it really has less to do with me than it does how he feels about himself, then he's got to feel REALLY lousy. Which makes me scared to leave him alone...

!$^*(&$)!%@ - what am I doing? I can't keep a positive train of thought for even a few sentences. This is what the problem was during the last bout -- I became, as my T said, "hypervigilant" and overly focused on him. How the HECK do I stop doing that when I am terrified about what he could do to himself when I'm not home?

Today is the day I'm increasing my Wellbutrin dosage. It feels self-indulgent to medicate myself when HE is the one who is depressed, but I honestly don't have any other ideas how to get through this. I know I make it worse with my anxiety about him, but I don't know what to do about my anxiety. I already go to therapy every week. I read books on meditation and try to practice it. I bought some ridiculous biofeedback software to try to relax myself. I exercise almost every day and do yoga. What else can I do? I see medication as a last resort, but how else do I stop the world from crashing down on both of us?

Thanks for listening.

((((((((((((((( LMo )))))))))))))))

I don't know you that well, and tell me where to stick it if you like , but-

How about printing off that last post you wrote and showing your husband how YOU feel. He may then have more understanding of your fears and how badly you were treated in the past. This may then get the ball rolling and then he might tell you how he feels.

Another suggestion- How about getting some individual therapy, just for you to help with your self-esteem, and to work through your own past trauma.

Help with coping with the anxiety- You do the relaxation and meditation.

Other ideas-

Slowing the breathing down, put hand on stomach and feel yourself breath deeply in and out for at least 10 mins (feels like for ever!)

You can't sort out big problems if the anxiety has taken hold, so go do something to distract yourself for a while (something you like doing) then you will be able to think clearer.

Take a half-hour hot bath with your favorite bubbles, with the door closed!

Arrange to do something really nice and enjoyable with your husband. A walk in the park where you agree not to discuss problems but spend the time together almost like going out for the first time together.

Hope this helps. take care.

It does help Pegasus - I appreciate it. I would never tell you where to stick it, so please don't feel shy about offering feedback and suggestions. I agree with pretty much everything you said.

Do you think if I showed him what I wrote, that it would induce more guilt? He feels terribly guilty as it is, and while I am very good about sticking up for myself, I don't want to further contribute to his problem.

Wow - that sounds really pathetic of me to consider that. Am rather confused right now.

Will think on this while working in the garden today. Thanks so much, ((( Pegasus )))

Today was much better, halleluiah

Is there something called "weekday depression"? Granted, he was in bad shape on Sunday, but today was a reminder of how much better he used to be on weekends when I was home, versus during the week when he was home alone all day while everyone else was at work.

We did TONS of yard work and were a great team. We even took a break for a little afternoon delight and his mood was terrific. I made a decision about his "plan". The T gave him an assignment to come up with a proposal for what he would like from me in terms of support until he gets a job, but it's been 3 weeks and no proposal (she's on vacation). Each time I've asked him about his proposal he has sunk. So, given the fact that my parents will be here in a week and a half, I really need him to stay "up" ... for MY emotional health. Therefore, I gave him another month to work on house projects IF he:
1) spends one hour per day looking for jobs
and
2) enrolls in two classes

He was greatly relieved.

It's weird - he really loves to work and has a strong work ethic when he IS working. But he's terrified to apply for jobs. He is generally very shy and has some social anxiety, but he really shuts down when it comes to applying.

Anyway, I'm just relieved that we made it through the day.

I don't really have any suggestions...just wanted you to know that I know how you feel and where you are. I know how bad it stinks.

Hubby's T is trying to get me to realize that while being "hypervigilant" is my way for things NOT to relapse, it actually makes a relapse more likely. He seems to get it. I'm not buying it.

Thinking of you.

Sure is good to hear you guys had a good day....

.......Remember to take one day at a time......

We just had a really awesome therapy session. We went over the past few weeks' experiences and all agreed that ADD is playing a big part in his inability to get started. I have to admit that I have been very skeptical about ADD but now I'm convinced, especially since things have slid rapidly downhill since he ran out of Strattera. He said the nighttime heebie jeebies started right after he ran out of meds (and confessed that he ran out a week or two earlier than he previously admitted).

So now we're taking some baby steps, and since I just changed to a better insurance plan, he is going to go see our T more often. She also is looking into local ADD resources to see if we can find an ADD coach (or something like that) because doing things like filling out a college application are incredibly frustrating for him, as I got to witness the other night. She thinks that support social workers might exist for such things. We also are going to attend a CHADD (Children and Adults with ADD) support group meeting and perhaps visit a specialist to learn if there are any resources that will help us. My H and I are both really relieved about this realization.

However, that doesn't cover everything that has been going wrong. There is still the issue of how I'm coping with this, and I made a point of bringing that up. During the previous Depression episode, my emotions were on the back burner for 3 years while we focused on finding help for him, but I can't do that again -- I will grow resentful, crazy, or both. I really felt as though I was going to have a heart attack this past weekend, and for the first time in my life I was not exactly contemplating suicide, but just feeling desperate for some way to shut my brain off. That is scary that it's come to that for me. My T did not feel that I was coping poorly -- she thought that under the circumstances, I'm doing fairly well, because this an extremely stressful situation. I don't know if I felt better or worse when she said that -- a little of both, I think. Anyway, she and I will have some 1-on-1 sessions to help me work through some of this. She is really wonderful - she is so compassionate and understanding, yet always knows the right moment when to switch to business and work on practical solutions to the problems. I appreciate her so much.

So, we have some baby steps for now, and H will go back to therapy on Friday during the day to work on some ADD research. We'll both go back together on Tuesday to set up the next baby step. It was a really good session and I have a little more hope than I did a few days ago.

Thanks for sticking with me through all of this, both in this thread and in the PMs some of you have sent me. I am extremely grateful...

I don't think you are coping poorly either. Even a person with a very good emotional control would have a hard time in this situation. You care for him and you want your relationship to work, there is nothing wrong in this. Just don't fall into "pity".

He is lucky to have YOU. I hope he knows that.

(((((((((LMo)))))))))