[Steiner of Thule]

I sent a new counselor I am planning on seeing this Friday an email describing all of my issues. I am incredibly anxious about it because there were one issue that I don't even talk about on here. It ended up being a long email. Though I guess that is just something adding onto the anxiety.

I've been waking up these days feeling like I've been rejected by the world. That no one likes me. Everyone despises me. I've started overdosing on an old medication I had to cope. It gives me an intoxicated feel. I usually end up stumbling around.

It just seems that my life with socializing with people is just repeating itself over and over. Again and again. I can see when I am going to be rejected by someone at this point. It doesn't hurt as bad as the first few times. I've learned that pretty much everyone will reject me at one point or another. It seems like people are very fickle these days and will easily abandon people. Then they wonder and are flabbergasted why schools get shot up. They try to put reason to it but really I think some people just get tired of being constantly **** on while trying to reach out to others.

I am constantly being **** on and that is the thing I am anxious about. I told the counselor I have a lot of homicidal thoughts. Which I do. It's probably better to try and seek help for them then to keep bottling them in like I have been doing. Constantly biting my tongue about what I truly feel. Suppressing urges.

She will probably reject me. Along with telling me I should commit myself into a mental health ward.

It's more like I am sure to be rejected because that is what people do.

Instead of helping someone who admits they are having bad thoughts they will reject them instead. Which helps increase the amount of bad thoughts they have because they are, -again-, being rejected by society.

Isolation is a curse. Some people like to say they are isolated. A lot of people actually aren't truly isolated. I guess it would be silly sounding to state I am truly isolated. I feel like it though. I am afraid to go out of the house. When I do go out I feel rejected by people. I go online to try and socialize. Again I get rejected.

I can't seem to win.

[bluekoi]

SteinerofThule, I hope you appointment goes well. Try not to over stress about it. Please let us know how it goes on Friday.

PS - Sent you a friend request.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

SteinerofThule, I hope you appointment goes well. Try not to over stress about it. Please let us know how it goes on Friday.

PS - Sent you a friend request.

Oh thank you. I accepted your friend request

[glok]

Hello, SteinerofThule.

15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
Fixing Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
The Power of Positive Thinking | Psych Central

I wish you well.

[avlady]

People can be judgmental, but i have found once i get my foot in the door it is a lot easier to get to know people first. People seem to test each other, maybe you just need to get past the getting to know people part of getting to be one of them. I know from experience that some people wait until something bad happens to people to get them to break the ice, which is a sad thing.

[Steiner of Thule]

The counselor told me no. I will add more to this later.

edit: okay I am on my laptop so I can explain. The counselor told me no as I expected. I sent her a rather large explantation of my issues. She said that she couldn't handle that so she told me I can go to someone who does EMDR. Never really heard of that.

[glok]

Hello, SteinerofThule.

Can You Benefit from EMDR Therapy? | Psych Central
EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

I wish you well.

[bluekoi]

SteinerofThule, Did she recommend a therapist for you to see?

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

SteinerofThule, Did she recommend a therapist for you to see?

She did. Not sure where my last post went. I guess I can see why it got deleted though.

[Steiner of Thule]

I can't afford any of this. Recommending I go multiple times a week. The therapist the counselor recommended me is like 80 bucks if he goes down on his sliding scale. I just can't afford it at all. They always want me to go like 3 times a week. 240 a week. I just can't do it. My parents can't do it. I'm broke. There is no way for me to afford any of this. Was thinking of seeing the general practitioner that was prescribing me meds before. Though I am moving out from where I used to live and I don't live next to a costco now. (cheap meds) So what is the point.

Someone will probably try to link me that 80% discount off of meds thing.

[Yoda]

Three times a week is a lot. If you are going to do that often I'd rather go inpatient.

I think a T should understand that not many people can afford three times a week. Which T recommended that often, the old T or new T?

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Yoda

Three times a week is a lot. If you are going to do that often I'd rather go inpatient.

I think a T should understand that not many people can afford three times a week. Which T recommended that often, the old T or new T?

The one that said they couldn't handle me. Also a therapist I went to in the past told me that I should go like 3 times a week.

Is it cheap to be an inpatient?

I don't think I could be an inpatient either. Parents said no.

[Steiner of Thule]

My mom just took away the meds I was taking. It was actually making me feel good but she said I was taking too much. I'm not supposed to have my own meds anyway since the doctors told my parents and I that I shouldn't be allowed to hold onto my own meds.

I'm depressed about it and tomorrow will be worse. I'm not/can't get therapy. I'm not getting meds. I'm can't even be an inpatient.Which I heard sucks. I already feel like an inpatient in my own home since I am not allowed to take my own meds.

Everything is twisted inside.

I realize I have no control over my own life. Just a dog told what to do.

[bluekoi]

SteinerofThule, There are state funded mental health services. Here's a link -

https://www.dshs.state.tx.us/mhsa-mh-help/

Perhaps you and your mom can look through this together to find out what is available in your area.

Doctor prescribed medications can be very helpful in treating depression, but they have to be taken exactly as prescribed.

I'm sorry you are going through such a painful time.

Originally Posted by SteinerofThule

I sent a new counselor I am planning on seeing this Friday an email describing all of my issues. I am incredibly anxious about it because there were one issue that I don't even talk about on here. It ended up being a long email. Though I guess that is just something adding onto the anxiety.

I've been waking up these days feeling like I've been rejected by the world. That no one likes me. Everyone despises me. I've started overdosing on an old medication I had to cope. It gives me an intoxicated feel. I usually end up stumbling around.

It just seems that my life with socializing with people is just repeating itself over and over. Again and again. I can see when I am going to be rejected by someone at this point. It doesn't hurt as bad as the first few times. I've learned that pretty much everyone will reject me at one point or another. It seems like people are very fickle these days and will easily abandon people. Then they wonder and are flabbergasted why schools get shot up. They try to put reason to it but really I think some people just get tired of being constantly **** on while trying to reach out to others.

I am constantly being **** on and that is the thing I am anxious about. I told the counselor I have a lot of homicidal thoughts. Which I do. It's probably better to try and seek help for them then to keep bottling them in like I have been doing. Constantly biting my tongue about what I truly feel. Suppressing urges.

She will probably reject me. Along with telling me I should commit myself into a mental health ward.

It's more like I am sure to be rejected because that is what people do.

Instead of helping someone who admits they are having bad thoughts they will reject them instead. Which helps increase the amount of bad thoughts they have because they are, -again-, being rejected by society.

Isolation is a curse. Some people like to say they are isolated. A lot of people actually aren't truly isolated. I guess it would be silly sounding to state I am truly isolated. I feel like it though. I am afraid to go out of the house. When I do go out I feel rejected by people. I go online to try and socialize. Again I get rejected.

I can't seem to win.

I understand how you feel.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

SteinerofThule, There are state funded mental health services. Here's a link -

https://www.dshs.state.tx.us/mhsa-mh-help/

Perhaps you and your mom can look through this together to find out what is available in your area.

Doctor prescribed medications can be very helpful in treating depression, but they have to be taken exactly as prescribed.

I'm sorry you are going through such a painful time.

I take exactly as prescribed and I can't feel any different though. I take more than prescribed and I actually notice a difference. Feel alive. Though when I take more than prescribed they say I can't be trusted.

"Here you go sir."

*hands paper cup with pills inside*

My mom didn't even give me the pills today. She said she was going to call the uhhh GP I went to but now she is just going to act like nothing happened.

She treats me like I am crazy. It's unbearable.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Sorcerer 666

I understand how you feel.

Ohhhhhhh

[bluekoi]

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluekoi View Post
SteinerofThule, There are state funded mental health services. Here's a link -

https://www.dshs.state.tx.us/mhsa-mh-help/

Perhaps you and your mom can look through this together to find out what is available in your area.

Doctor prescribed medications can be very helpful in treating depression, but they have to be taken exactly as prescribed.

I'm sorry you are going through such a painful time. End quote.

Quote from SteinerofThule

I take exactly as prescribed and I can't feel any different though. I take more than prescribed and I actually notice a difference. Feel alive. Though when I take more than prescribed they say I can't be trusted.

"Here you go sir."

*hands paper cup with pills inside*

My mom didn't even give me the pills today. She said she was going to call the uhhh GP I went to but now she is just going to act like nothing happened.

She treats me like I am crazy. It's unbearable.

End quote.

SteinerofThule, Did you and your mom look at the link I posted?

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

SteinerofThule, Did you and your mom look at the link I posted?

No. My mom doesn't even know I use this site really. I looked at it though.

You must be going through hell Steiner, did not realise you were in so much pain, i'm sorry to hear about your meds abuse, please try not to do this. It doesn't make you feel any better, worse for doing it that's for sure.

I have found that one way to deal with such issues is to try and keep your body healthy, i'm not sure if you can go outside or not, but I have started again recently, and have been walking, swimming etc, with meds. And this has helped. Perhaps try to take a leap of faith with it, I did and feel much better x

[Steiner of Thule]

I can't tell if I am crazy or if she is lying to me. She told me she asked me if I wanted any pills and I said no? I don't know anymore. Did I say no? I don't remember the conversation. Talking to my own mom makes me want to cry. I feel anxiety and stress talking to my own mom. Feel like I am about to lose it. I can't trust anyone. Everyone makes me anxious. Talking to online people makes me anxious. Doing anything with others makes me anxious. Yet I am lonely. I try to work with the anxiousness and I just get incredibly pissed off feeling like I am touching a nerve.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by fembot067

You must be going through hell Steiner, did not realise you were in so much pain, i'm sorry to hear about your meds abuse, please try not to do this. It doesn't make you feel any better, worse for doing it that's for sure.

I have found that one way to deal with such issues is to try and keep your body healthy, i'm not sure if you can go outside or not, but I have started again recently, and have been walking, swimming etc, with meds. And this has helped. Perhaps try to take a leap of faith with it, I did and feel much better x

I usually try to stay healthy. I've been exercising and eating healthy. Yet I still feel bad. Good it worked for you.

[healingme4me]

What types of meds, are you taking, that your mom is asking if you 'want' them? What were the initial directives?

Stinks, feeling the loneliness, like you do. Your parents don't have adequate health insurance coverage, it sounds like. And you are clearly in pain. I've learned that such intense anger is symptomatic of underlying repression of a history of reasons for being angry.

I recognize, through one of the responses, a sense of hesitancy for a shared link. This is more an informational one, displays you aren't alone in your feelings, and what to do.

I don't sense a sense of rejection from this thread, hopefully, you aren't sensing that? It's a tough world, at times, recognizing the difference between an outright snub or what's an interest or concern. It's such a gray, gray world, we live in. I've learned, in life, that people come to accept others, for the unique individuals that they are, accepting both the positive alongside the differences.

Having Suicidal and Homicidal Thoughts | Ask the Therapist

Hoping your parents take this as serious, as you are expressing, and just go get you the help you so deserve and crave. They may need a bit of information and education about psychology and medications, to help support and understand what you struggle with.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

What types of meds, are you taking, that your mom is asking if you 'want' them? What were the initial directives?

Stinks, feeling the loneliness, like you do. Your parents don't have adequate health insurance coverage, it sounds like. And you are clearly in pain. I've learned that such intense anger is symptomatic of underlying repression of a history of reasons for being angry.

I recognize, through one of the responses, a sense of hesitancy for a shared link. This is more an informational one, displays you aren't alone in your feelings, and what to do.

I don't sense a sense of rejection from this thread, hopefully, you aren't sensing that? It's a tough world, at times, recognizing the difference between an outright snub or what's an interest or concern. It's such a gray, gray world, we live in. I've learned, in life, that people come to accept others, for the unique individuals that they are, accepting both the positive alongside the differences.

Having Suicidal and Homicidal Thoughts | Ask the Therapist

Hoping your parents take this as serious, as you are expressing, and just go get you the help you so deserve and crave. They may need a bit of information and education about psychology and medications, to help support and understand what you struggle with.

It was uh Gabapentin - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I'm not actually on any meds now. (sortof) I was just taking it because it was leftover and I thought why not. They were for anxiety. The initial directions were for 3 times taken over a day. Each one 300mg each. Though that is why my mom asked me if I wanted any. I'm not really supposed to hold my own meds since I have a tendency to abuse them.

[truebliever]

Hi .I'm not rejecting you.I'm truebliever,a new person to this site.Yes I have a few anxiety issues,but I want to help others also.I'm truly sorry for what caused all your hurt and pain,but in this day and time just getting on the computer you can make friends who won't reject you.Those in person that do probably have their own issues.Please remember you are not ever alone.Everyday when you get up its a day to have a chance to make it and you will.You've gotten this far and you are talking to others.Good Luck and bless You