[AlteredState01]

Blowing it so badly! Everything! All at once!!!

I am a wreck. I have totally driven my bf insane!! (No, seriously, he's really losin' his sanity when he talks to me these days - I am completely sucking away his sanity!) He wasn't like that when I met him. Not ever. He can't take it anymore! I've seen this before in my life... And he's been giving it a good shot too! 5+ years! (poor guy - at least I gotta give him credit for lasting so long)! I so hate hurting him this way! (of course, he's not without his faults - had to add that!)

Now I am falling apart at my mother's - completely ruining her special event. It is her joy to be able to make a beautiful dinners throughout the "occasions" of the year - it is "her" thing - we kids have always honoured her by trying to be here, all of our lives, when we have been able!

And I always end up doing the same thing to my family too - sucking the joy out of these events. Every occasion, every year! I hide away! I am miserable, and that vibe just spreads through the whole atmosphere! And I do this over and over and over again!

But I NEED them and I WANT to be near them - they are not cruel people! I have come to understand the family dynamic (I am not a child anymore) and I have let so much go - most of which was overblown in my child's mind and heart anyway! There was nothing hugely extreme going on in my family. We were the typical family with the typical difficulties.

"I" just seem to be the only one who has made my life out to be some kind of horror story and now I am so stuck in it! They have nothing to be forgiven for; I was just the angst-ridden child who couldn't take any pressure of any sort!

But WHAT I can't let go of is the deep and endless ritual of pain I keep repeating in my heart, mind and soul, just like the occasions that my family humbly tries to maintain, in the most beautiful and simplest of ways.

I do occasionally find the strength (or rather, humility?) to come out every now and then to try to show some sort of affection, but overall, I just fall apart and push everyone away.

I shouldn't be here with them! It would be so much better for them if I just weren't here!!! (In the house, I mean; NOT to be taken in the suicidal sense).

I can't even medicate the anxiety away! I probably couldn't even overdose on it because it would never tranquilize me enough to settle me down! This is one anxiety attack that NOTHING helps! Look! I can't even stop using the "!" button!!

I am just such a downer! And I'm way too good at it!

This will pass right? Someone tell me this will pass! Of course it will, it always does... BUT THEN IT COMES BACK!!!

Please, someone tell me that my family understands? Tell me that they believe me when I apologize over and over for acting this way, that I really don't want to do this, or be this way. I so badly want to show them how much I love them, but all that comes out is anguish, anger and tears. How can they continue to believe me?

This is truly a moment of my insanity!

[untold27]

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AlteredState01 said:
"I" just seem to be the only one who has made my life out to be some kind of horror story and now I am so stuck in it! They have nothing to be forgiven for; I was just the angst-ridden child who couldn't take any pressure of any sort!

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First off.. don't blame yourself for anything that you do. or have done. whether it is anxiety related or not. Obviously it is not making you feel better. Let things in the past go and live day to day. And furthermore dont blame yourself for things you do that is anxiety related because that is most definitely not your fault.

Second, you want reassurance that your family understands? I am sure they do. And I doubt they don't want to see you. You are a part of the family. Not seeing you would probably hurt more.

Keep in mind that you can not control that you have this issue.

If you want to make sure that your family understands and apologizing doesnt reassure you, write them a letter. take your time. put in everything that you would want them to know. it might help you and it might get them to understand better if they read something written when you aren't completely upset/etc.

hang in there. you'll be fine.

[Liberada]

[Fuzzybear]

[muse]

AlteredState, you know what you're doing that is INCREDIBLY important?

You're recognizing that your behavior has an effect (and a negative one) on other people, and you conciously WANT to stop doing it. Even if you've come to this point before, this means so much.

Now you need to STOP being so hard on yourself, take a little time to collect yourself, relax a bit, and try to get back on track. I am SURE your family understands your hardships, and while they may sometimes feel upset when you're really down, they will NOT stop caring for you because of it!! I'm sure you hold an incredibly special place in all their hearts. In fact, the fact that they are upset because you are shows how much they care!

BIG HUGS for you, and I hope and pray things get better!! Just hang on and be strong, things will improve with time!!
~muse

[Juliana]

AS, of course your family loves you. I'm sure they know how hard you are trying. Do you tell them how much you care about them? In your post, your love for them is so clear. The fact that you know that making beautiful dinners is your mum's "thing" and you don't want to ruin it for her, and the fact that you try to find the humility to be affectionate when it's such an effort for you, shows what a lovely, thoughtful person you are. Family dinners are stressful for everyone. My sister usually has some sort of breakdown at every family occasion. It doesn't make any of us love her any less, though. We would be lost without her and her holiday hysterics. When you love somebody, you love their imperfections too.

I just have to say that I think it would be impossible not to love you. The fact that you say things like this: "I so hate hurting him this way! (of course, he's not without his faults - had to add that!)" just makes me adore you. I love your spirit and your passion and the fact that you're forthright and care so deeply about how your actions affect your family. You're not perfect. None of us is. It doesn't mean that we're not the object of lots of love, though.

((((AS))))

[daisiesneverlie]

you are not alone, the same thing happens to me at the holidays, yet the difference is that i can not even attend the events yet. i was told not to be so hard on myself and that is what i am saying in turn to you, this is part of the illness and we have to have hope that we will get through this and function "normally" again someday!!!

[AlteredState01]

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My sister usually has some sort of breakdown at every family occasion. It doesn't make any of us love her any less, though. We would be lost without her and her holiday hysterics.

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That is so FUNNY!!!

Now I don't know whether to laugh or cry - actually I am doing both! Oh, great, now I have the hiccups...

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When you love somebody, you love their imperfections too.

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Yes, of course! I forgot about that. If I see it that way, I ought to let others be able to see me that way, too.

[AlteredState01]

Thank you all for such kind words. I so deeply needed to hear them - or rather, read them.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[AlteredState01]

[AlteredState01]

[AlteredState01]

((((((( )))))))

[AlteredState01]

Thank you for the flower, Liberada! It's so beautiful!

[AlteredState01]

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If you want to make sure that your family understands and apologizing doesnt reassure you, write them a letter. take your time. put in everything that you would want them to know. it might help you and it might get them to understand better if they read something written when you aren't completely upset/etc.

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I will do this!