[Ltr2Hermione]

I have no clue why I can't seem to get out of this icky, disgusting, uneasy, anxious, gut wrenching mode.

I haven't worked in 2 years. I don't know if I can anymore. I want to but I can't even bring myself to be in a store long enough to buy clothes. I've lost 120 lbs, and I still feel so big and I can't bring myself to even look at clothes. I should be having fun.. and I'm not.

I can't stand being alone anymore. I'm climbing the walls. Even when I'm around family, I feel so alone.

I can't handle ANY kind of confrontation. I get sick to my stomache!

People flat out do NOT like me. I don't blame them........... I don't like me either - but what I want to know is what the hell did I do to them. I smile, I'm polite, interested. Not too long ago, I was helping someone put together his new apartment and one of the neighbors began talking to me. Later on I heard her talking outside of the open window telling the maintenance man when he asked her if she met us "I just don't like HER". WHAT?

That's a small example. I stay to myself mostly and it drives me insane. It would help if I wasn't out of the anti-anxiety meds, but I am and my pharmacy is so incompetent... it could take 2 weeks to get a refill because they'll tell me 5 times over the course of a week that I never requested it. Ok... this is stupid. I'm not an idiot! I even take down the date, time and name of the person I spoke with when I request the medication and they STILL claim I never requested it. Is this really a wise thing to do with someone who is filling ANTI ANXIETY MEDS!

I don't want to clean the house anymore. I don't want to cook. I don't want to do anything. I go to the gym daily and spend 2 - 3 hours there. It's very rare that someone actually speaks with me. In the last year, I've had 2 conversations while working on the eliptical and I see my trainer 3 x a week. He's young and has a whole set of youth issues but I don't mind at all when he tells me about them. At least I feel "engaged".

I HAD a bf (long distance) until about a week ago. I guess I can no longer handle his "moods" and his nastiness. I knew him in high school and we reconnected last year (we're both middle aged... 45 and 47), and we got along famously and I've been out to see him a couple of times for a couple of weeks each time. One would think I would have felt better having a man around, but I didn't. I still had this icky, uneasy, anxious, climb the walls, punch a window feeling.

I just want to get high! (Old behavior) ... but I'm so glad I don't know anyone around here. I can't go back there. I can't go forward.... I can't even stay in the middle... I'm just STUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like God doesn't even wanna hear me anymore.

What the hell is wrong with me... why do I feel like CRAP???????????

[50guy]

Hi,
I just wanted to tell you that God does hear you.
Do you practice any breathing exercises? Just 3 - 5 minutes a day focusing on deep breathing techniques can help enormously.
Distraction works very well to. Do you have a hobby or something you are interested in? Working on a project helps too.

I find that thinking on one thing at a time is helpful, just so it isn't negative. You have made great strides in your heath by losing weight. A wonderful accomplishment.

Perhaps reading a book or listening to some soft music would be helpful. Try to focus on the present moment and don't project into the future, this may help you.

Call your provider and have them call the pharmacy for your prescription instead of trying to do it yourself.

Relax, enjoy the moment, the hour and eventually the day.

[vetswife]

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. I've had feeling of anxiety before; I can say the feeling is not a good one! When I am feeling that way I remove myself from what is making me feel that way. I know sometimes that's hard to do. First of all, you can't worry about what people think. I know that's easier said than done, but they are no better then you. Once you start liking yourself others will too, people like confidence (like dogs that smell fear, people smell weakness) keep your head up and sholders back. You have a great accomplishment you should be proud of! It's absolutely great that you lost all that weight! That is an inspiration in itself! Do you work out with weights at all? Also another think to consider sometimes women can be catty when their jelious. It's also a possibility that girl was not talking about you.

I agree with 50guy, hobbies helps ("idle hands are the devils advocate"). Keep busy, busy, busy don't leave your mind time to destroy itself.

Take care and try to find a different pharmacy.

[Ltr2Hermione]

Thank you for reading, 50guy and Vetswife. I do appreciate the feedback.

There's really nothing to "do" out here. I live in the country. I'm close enough to town to drive in to the gym everyday, but to go back and forth would definitely put me through a couple of tanks of gas a week.. I simply can't do that.

I wish I "felt like" engaging in something. Anything I do has to be alone and to be honest, that's just no fun at all. I no longer view my gardening as enjoyment.... it's a chore that I do begrudginly. I do it so I have fresh veggies and spices with which to cook.

I spoke with the doctor's office. Any rx request takes 72 hours. So in a few days I'll be able to pick up meds.

I really want to be occupied, but I can't find the..... the... "will" to want to.

I can't even seem to spend the time in prayer that I used to (I really miss my old church).

I just keep thinking "I gotta get outta here".... and there's no where to run. I hate the way this makes my body feel. My legs feel icky all the time and my neck always feels tight.... I just want it to stop already.

Again.. thanks for responding. It's really good to know that someone heard me.

L

[concerned4stepkids]

Don't worry about that lady, some people are just that way.

Do you have some family you can spend time with? Perhaps arrange a visit.
How about doing some volunteer work of some kind? Maybe in time move on to a part time job?
Are there any gardening clubs in your area? State run gardening classes?
Maybe take some veggies to share at the gym?
What other interests do you have? What have you always wanted to try but never got around to doing?.. Think about it, then get out there and find others with the same interests.

Congrats on the weight loss. Wow! That's quite the accomplishment. It seems to me, that you set your mind to do it. If you can do that, then you can set your mind to do anything you choose. Don't focus on all the negatives, set some goals and focus on how you can get there. Make a plan.

Want a man in your life? Start out by looking for an online singles sites (only suggested because you live in the country)... sign up for eharmony.com free service, you don't have to pay for or reply to anyone, but it will give you a list of men in your area with the same interests... you'll get a boost when you see how many are compatible with you, some may even request a connection.

Best of luck.

[Fuzzybear]

[pachyderm]

> There's really nothing to "do" out here.

Any animals around? Big ones, small ones...

[vetswife]

My cousin lives out in KY. She use to make candles in her home and sell them over the internet. She quit that to open a dog grooming shop. She has a couple horses too. Animals make good companions. How about hiking or biking? That's one of the reasons I wanted a dog, so I'd have a reason to get up and take him for a walk. If I had the time (and money!) I'd do pottery, LOVED it in high school.

[bmoz]

Hey L2H, sounds like a bit of depression. Are you taking meds for that? One thing you might try when feeling crappy is stop telling yourself it shouldn't be like this. Let yourself feel crappy, really crappy. I for one live by the sayings *what you resist, persits* , *the more things change, the more they stay the same* and most true, *and this too shall pass*. Peace and love, Boz

[Ltr2Hermione]

Everyone has great suggestions... I just don't feel like any of it. There are animals all around.. horses and goats across the road, alpacas around the corner.... and the littlest are mine... 1 big cat and 2 kittens.

I have no talent so "making" anything is not even an option. I can't even play my guitars anymore because of this freakin' arthritis.

I've been depressed for years, and the doc tried to give me effexor. I took it once and it knocked me on my butt. Later that night I read about weight gain as a side effect and I freaked. I'm still not done losing what I have.. I can't go back.. I CANNOT go back!

Guess I have no choice but to feel like total crap.. it's not like I can change it.

Thank you all for your responses.

[Schatje]

Please hang in there. Finding the right med can be tough. I'm bipolar along with ocd and gad and finding the right meds can be a nightmare.

Did the doc put you straight on a therapeutic dosage of Effexor or did he slowly increase the dosages? If you went on too high a dose too soon that could be why it affected you so badly. Also you could try Prozac. It is used for both anxiety and depression, like the Effexor, and is much gentler and usually tolerated very well. I know you don't want to go back to the doc, but I think you really should. You don't have to feel like crap. Please get help or ask someone you trust to help you get help.

[Ltr2Hermione]

My regular doctor gives me xanax for anxiety. It's a small dose.. .5 3 x a day... but I end up taking 2 at night so I can try to sleep. I'm up and down all night so that makes the mornings very vile.

The effexor was 37.5 to start. I took it for ONE day. T tried to talk me into continuing it, but after I read about the weight gain I freaked. That's what I can't go back to. I'm starting to look like a human.. I don't stand out... I can't put another pound on. I'm 25 lbs from my initial goal and if by some miracle I can get lower than that, I'm going for it. I don't want pills that cause weight gain to pull me down.

7:00 in the morning and I already feel like kicking something.

[pachyderm]

> 7:00 in the morning and I already feel like kicking something.

That's OK. Just so it isn't me. Imagine some worthy recipient.

[vetswife]

Then, go ahead kick something.

[vetswife]

You know, I was thinking, If you have the money; invest in the Wii. We just got it a couple weeks ago. My husband (who's right arm is paralyzed) can finally golf again. Or at least see if you can rent one to try it out. I am not a gaming person and I could play this. Let me tell you I felt it the day after Wii bowling.

[Ltr2Hermione]

hahahhahhaha....

No.. I usually go for inanimate objects... like.. walls, throwing ashtrays... things like that. I've NEVER abused a guitar in my LIFE and I don't hit people (although there are a few I'd like to slap upside the head). I still have some restraint!

[Ltr2Hermione]

I have one. That's how I started working out... I'd spend an hour on the lifecycle while bowling (Yes.. I get 300's). It got kinda old.. besides, my daughter's WII had an issue and had to be sent back to the factory so she borrowed mine.

It's still so "in the house". I know these walls so well... I know every little particle of dust on the ceiling that I have to sweep.. I just don't want to.

What is this? Why don't I "want" to do anything. It's not like there's nothing to do. I had to FORCE my butt into the laundry room to wash clothes this morning.. and ONLY because if I didn't, I'd have nothing to wear to the gym. Fortunately, I don't have an appetite either (which is a blessing.. although I have NOT gone hungry at all losing the last 120 lbs).

I thought that once my blood sugar was under control that I'd get my mind back.. BOY WAS I FOOLED!

I just can't handle being angry all the time anymore. It's like.. lonely, angry, disengaged.. yucky, crappy.. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[skeeweeaka]

Hey there...L2H,

Your postings could have been me... I feel the exact same way....just full of nothingness... I have about 100 pounds to lose and don't have enough energy to walk every day even though I should. I feel like climbing the walls and never go anywhere.... It is a struggle to go outside to do anything.... I'm sure my 12 yo dd hates me and wishes she had another life! I don't blame her for hating me.

Tell me how you lost the weight.... I am having a difficult time at it. Which plan are you following? Maybe we can email each other and help each other out....

Every day is like groundhog day, the same old crap!

tj

[Ltr2Hermione]

I started last July by ordering NutriSystem for diabetics. I GAINED 15 lbs in 2 weeks while on it. Then in August I just cut calories down to just enough to get by. I was STARVING all the time... and by the middle of Sept I had lost 28 lbs, but began to gain by the end of that month.

On October 1, I put away the syringes and insulin bottles. I didn't throw the insulin away.. but I put it out of sight and started eating again.

Basically, if it wasn't protein, fat or caffeine, it didn't get past my lips. My blood sugar came under control in the first week, and lost 20 lbs in the first 3 weeks.. so I kept going. The side effect of hunger from the diabetes was gone in the first 3 days. My energy level soared in the first 5. On November 1, I got my butt into the gym (at 265 lbs).. and as humiliating as that was.. I just kept my head down and did my thing. Granted.. I'm obsessed with it at this point, but I can think of much worse things to be obsessed with (I have an addictive personality... drugs being the worst).

I do eat some veggies now.. but I make sure they are dark green or once in a while I'll throw in yellow squash as a treat. I ONLY use splenda in my coffee and I've had to cut coffee way down (I seem to be hitting hard on it again, but it was only 3 cups a day at the beginning).

I use a LOT of basil, oregano, parsley and garlic, olive oil, coconut oil, flax seed oil, butter (real butter).

What I did was extreme because I was dealing with the diabetes and I had to compensate for taking myself off the meds. I believe that ATKINS is a great program for those with a significant amount of weight to lose.

The book really makes sense.. Read chapters 1 - 10 before you do ANYTHING... and I think it'll all click for ya!

Good luck to you and God bless you!

[skeeweeaka]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Ltr2Hermione said:
I started last July by ordering NutriSystem for diabetics. I GAINED 15 lbs in 2 weeks while on it. Then in August I just cut calories down to just enough to get by. I was STARVING all the time... and by the middle of Sept I had lost 28 lbs, but began to gain by the end of that month.

On October 1, I put away the syringes and insulin bottles. I didn't throw the insulin away.. but I put it out of sight and started eating again.

Basically, if it wasn't protein, fat or caffeine, it didn't get past my lips. My blood sugar came under control in the first week, and lost 20 lbs in the first 3 weeks.. so I kept going. The side effect of hunger from the diabetes was gone in the first 3 days. My energy level soared in the first 5. On November 1, I got my butt into the gym (at 265 lbs).. and as humiliating as that was.. I just kept my head down and did my thing. Granted.. I'm obsessed with it at this point, but I can think of much worse things to be obsessed with (I have an addictive personality... drugs being the worst).

I do eat some veggies now.. but I make sure they are dark green or once in a while I'll throw in yellow squash as a treat. I ONLY use splenda in my coffee and I've had to cut coffee way down (I seem to be hitting hard on it again, but it was only 3 cups a day at the beginning).

I use a LOT of basil, oregano, parsley and garlic, olive oil, coconut oil, flax seed oil, butter (real butter).

What I did was extreme because I was dealing with the diabetes and I had to compensate for taking myself off the meds. I believe that ATKINS is a great program for those with a significant amount of weight to lose.

The book really makes sense.. Read chapters 1 - 10 before you do ANYTHING... and I think it'll all click for ya!

Good luck to you and God bless you!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hey I'm on Atkins too... I've been on it since March but only lost 14 pounds since then.... I'm desperate to get it off too...but haven't had losses like that....maybe it is the cheese and nuts! Never considered just protein and fats mostly....too worried about constipation I think. Anyway, I'll have to give your combo a try and see where it takes me...and take the Magnesium that everyone recommends...Magnesium Citrate. I belong to lowcarber.org and that helps a lot. Thanks for the info....and congrats on your success...

P.S. I cannot imagine going to the gym looking like this or anywhere else for that matter... My anxiety is so very high, diagnosed social anxiety disorder along with BP...it is difficult...

TJ