Frustrated Mother of 8 year old.

I have this beautiful boy who tests high in school, but never finishes anything he starts in school; if he does finish, he'll rush through and will NEVER read the directions. He has lost 4 sweatshirts this school year, forgets his lunch/backpack each morning, can follow directions well if they are simple with few directives. He is sensitive (really sensitive), but does not ever have emotional outburst with anger or rage, ever. The one who is angry much of the time, is ME. IM frustrated beyond what words can convey and IM ashamed of the snapping and short temper I have with my child.

He is going to the Dr. today for an "attention issue"; what will they do? How can I take him to a Dr. for this and not hurt his self esteem (worse than it already is)? What is the differences in some of these medications? For three years I've been told by teachers that I should probobly have him tested for ADD (not ADHD), and for three years I have denied that MY SON could have such a problem. I cannot set him up for failure any longer and I pray that the outcome today is benneficial for all of us; Im just sad, upset, and angry.

PLEASE dont judge me for what Ive said here. I realize I havnt been very honest with my son or myself, but Im here now, facing this, and I need some direction.

Much Thanks.

Michele

Hi Michele. If the doctor is a good one, he will not hurt your son's self-esteem. I understand "denying" he could have a problem, and maybe you were right to do so. I have seen kids ,who shouldnt have been , "classified" becasue the district gets extra funding for them. And you probably didnt want to have your son "labeled", which is perfectly understandable. I would have waited, too. I have ADD, and my daughter has ADD. We live alone together and we both forget everything, every morning, lol. But things are still OK!One thing I can say is try and build as much structure into his life as you can, for example, make sure the lunchbox is in the same place every day...if you can get him into habits it will help..one habnit at a time...slowly.
When I go to school I can always tell my daughter desk right away becasue it is the one that won't close with all the papers sticking out of it..We had homework problems because she kept forgetting to bring her books home. But we work on one habit at a time and that seems to be helping a lot..
If you dont mind me asking, how are things at home. Is he under a lot of stress? That seems to make it worse, when we have "other things" on our mind..
Dont panic, just take it one thing at a time...If the doctor suggests medicine you have time to think about it. Its possible its not necesary. My niece is on something, Ill find out the name of it, and she LIKES taking it. Says she feels better.Please let me know how the doctor visit went! And dont be so hard on yourself. Maybe part of the reason your short with him is just becasue youre worried for him. really, he's smart, he'll probably be just fine...

And I agree with you. Both me and my daughter can be extremely frustrating....I tend to get distracted right in the middle of conversations with people...thats real endearing, lol..

My son is 8 years old and has ADHD. I spend much of my time being and feeling so frustrated and angry. Forgetting and not finishing tasks is something I know very, very well! Michele, please don't feel guilty for feeling this way. I am pleased that you are taking your son to a doctor, and as justsignmeupalready said, if the doctor is good, your son's self esteem will not be hurt any further. You have done a good and courageous thing in getting help for your son. When my son first went onto medication he said that at least he could hear his thoughts again and not a gazillion (his own words) other things.
Please let us know how everything is.

My son is 8 years old and has ADHD. I spend much of my time being and feeling so frustrated and angry. Forgetting and not finishing tasks is something I know very, very well! Michele, please don't feel guilty for feeling this way. I am pleased that you are taking your son to a doctor, and as justsignmeupalready said, if the doctor is good, your son's self esteem will not be hurt any further. You have done a good and courageous thing in getting help for your son. When my son first went onto medication he said that at least he could hear his thoughts again and not a gazillion (his own words) other things.
Please let us know how everything is.

HI Michelle - Boy you could have been writing about my son - the lunch box, the desk, the sweatshirts, the whole kit and kaboddle. And we have the self esteem issue too. How did the doctor visit go? Did you see an MD (and if so what specialty) or a Ph.D.? Have you had your son's IQ tested? I initially had my son's tested because we thought initially in 1st grade that he was just bored. He scored very high (probably smarter than mom )but in 2nd grade he has really struggled. And at home it is the same. I have learned not to tell him to clean his room but rather to list each task individually and only tell him the next after the first is done otherwise nothing gets done. And half the time I still need to remind him to complete the task as hand. But there are a few things that can keep him occupied - the GameBoy, the Game Cube, the computer, and reading. I read somewhere that kids with ADD enjoy activities like those above because they move fast - like their minds. Don't know if that makes sense or not - any ways I would love to hear how the Drs. went and will post how are visit goes as well.

When I took my 7 yr-old to the counselor I prefaced it with, "Mr. Gary listens really well. Whatever you say in his office will never, ever get you in trouble. If you want to talk to Mr. Gary alone you can." Be certain your son understands he's visiting a "safe" person who (hopefully) won't pass judgment.

I understand your frustration all too well. Your first paragraph could've been about me. I suck at follow-thru. I forever lose my keys unless I'm parked in the garage and can leave them on my dash. I even told a church buddy while co-founding a support group, "Lou, I'm a great idea person but I need help implementing them." This was before I was dx'd with ADHD myself.

Anyway, have you picked up "Driven to Distraction" by Hallowell and Ratey? If not, please get this and their two follow-up books, "Answers to Distraction" and "Delivered from Distraction." These books are awesome! They are easy to read and very eye-opening. I was crying at times because the stories mirrored my life...finally I understand why I'm a spaz!

Please realize your son has an incredible gift, not a disability. I'll bet he's funny, vibrant, and incredibly loving. His mind is going a mile a minute with thoughts and songs. He's got some great ideas bouncing around in his head. It's just that often it's hard to articulate them. And you're doing the best thing for him.

Good luck!
<font color="blue"> Bloo! </font>

I'm a frustrated mother of 6 year old here! I'm ADD but he's got ADD on steroids! Seriously. Any symptoms I had as a girl, he's got them tenfold as a little boy. It is frustrating, especially in our case, since it's the ADD leading the ADD - a recipe for a lot of forgotten tasks (and sweatshirts).

The doctor will likely help his self esteem, not hurt it. When he realizes the reason he has these behaviours is not because he's lazy, or stupid, or any other negative thing. It's simply a chemical imbalance that can be corrected with meds or behaviour therapy. I bet he'll be relieved to know this.

Hi, don't be discouraged ,that's about the age my dd was diagnosed. we've been off and on meds for several years. It does seem to help. Check out www.connectwithkids.com they have several good articles about ADD. I hope this helps and hang in there.

Hi, Michelle, and all,
I am a middle school art teacher, and having casual discussions with my rowdy group of 6th graders this past week, nearly ALL the class revealed they have been diagnosed ADD or ADHD. I'm pretty certain the kids were not making this up about themselves, and many revealed being on medication or supposed to be on meds, though many are not, for whatever reason. Since my class is relaxed and fun, it's not much of a problem, but I see how this would be a serious problem with academic classes...and IS for these kids.
I'm always exhausted by the end of this class! and wondering how they all got grouped together! I usually have a couple in each group, but not the whole class!
At the same time, they are very sweet, not mean or disruptive in a bad way, just often inattentive to instructions, requiring that I repeat myself many times!
I have been wondering lately why there are so many children like this. Has it always been so...in the past? I think not, but wondering why so many now?
Patty

I have been a teacher for many years and over the past 10 years have seen the diagnosis of children with ADD and ADHD explode!!! I have no doubt that there are children with ADD, however I believe that they are actually few and far between. GPs are very quick to prescribe "ritalin", often only on the information they are receiving from the parents, who are often at their wits end with the demanding behaviour. In Pattys post, she questioned why there is now so many children like this. My own personal belief is this:: 1. Lack of bonding with a primary caregiver in the crucial developmental years. Children often spend 11 hours a day in daycare for 5 years. 2) The creativity in children is no longer nurtured. There is far too much time spent indoors on computers and watching TV. 3) Lack of structured routine -children thrive on routine. 4) Children are growing up eating high processed, high fat and high sugar foods. I am sure that many parents with ADD children don't do any of the above, but from years of working with children I know that many do. I am not a professional, and I'm sure many will disagree . All I can tell you, is that after many years of working with children, including working in a special needs unit, I honestly believe that many children are being medicated unnecessarily. Patty, thats unbelievable that nearly the whole class said they had been diagnosed - in fact I would say it is quite disturbing. Here in New Zealand, in a school of 700, there would be likely to be 2 or 3 children medicated for ADD. Anyway, like I said , this is just my own personal opinion. Good luck to everybody!!!

Being a young person I can understand your consern for your little boy's self esteem. Sometimes I feel like I'm different and I don't belong in school or with other people. Sometimes I feel worthless because I have ADHD; on the other hand sometimes I'm proud to be different. It's a curse and a gift. The best thing you can do to help him improve his self esteem is to make him understand that he is differnt and tell him to embrace it, but keep it undercontrol. It is hard for a child with ADHD to keep the ADHD under control because we work a million times faster then normal people. Like someone changing the channels on the TV.

Medication is another thing. Some time childern can not take centain medications because of the side effects. I can not take any stimulant medications because them make me go absolutly nuts. At such a young age it is going to be hard to find a medication that will work well with him. I've taken every single medication there is for ADD and ADHD! I found mine which is Stratera, a not stimulant. It helps me focus but understand, he has to put in his OWN EFFORT. The medication won't just 'Poof' make him pay attention.

Good luck. Sorry that is all I can offer you

I hope you are taking your son to an experienced, qualified psychiatrist. If you are concerned about self esteem get the boy appropriate treatment which includes a combination of a single stimulant medication, prescribed by a psychiatrist who monitors the medication closely in the beginning, making adjustments as needed and will then monitor the boy at least monthly. When he is functioning better his self esteem won't be at risk. Self esteem issues are exagerated. Unfortunately if the behavioral symptoms of the disorder are severe, constant arguing, purposefully ignoring directions, or worse overt oppositional and defiant behavior he have the additional diagnosis of Oppositional/Defiant Disorder which would be ADHD/ODD. Legitimate scientific research, not some alternative med scammers view, has establish the effectiveness and safety of using stimulant medication for children. You have undoubtly been influence by non-professional people you come across who have no stake in your's or your son's lives but are not reluctant to share their expertise with a doubting, confused and vulnerable parent. These message boards are full of them. They don;t know what it is like in your home and don't experience your challenges and daily, disappointments possible guilt feelings because you can't help your son. ADHD is not fatal, but can have severe consequences affecting your child's ability to get educated and have a chance at a decent life. I have met many, many parent's who have a child in high school doing poorly, their hopes and ambitions for their child's future disintegrating and prospects for college diminishing with each report card that comes home. At ages 15, 16 and 17 desperate for help to save their child's futture. They all, one and all say these exact words, "We wish we had let him be put on medication when he was younger." You are lucky, your child is eight, but you should give very serious consideration to allowing your child to be treated by a competent clinical professional in the field with training, background and experience with treating this disorder. Who else should you seek help from? I have never heard of kid's self esteem being damaged by taking meds. They conceal it rather well from school mates and play mates and are in denial about having a disorder anyway. They will say they don't need and it makes no difference. Fine don't argue, but your observations and the doctor's consultation will be the determinants. You are an adult ,responsible parent, the decision maker and decide what is best for your family, not all the so-called experts who never hesitate to thow in their two cents worth. But they don't live in your house.

I found your reply to frustrated mother interesting in that you mentioned help could be found through behavioral therapy. Have you known or experienced an occasion where a child whose behavioral symptoms were severe has been helped with behavior therapy. Of course the child would need to be on a stimulant med as well. I suggest that there is no effective behavioral treatment for the severe behavioral symptoms of ADHD and ADHD/ODD currently being practiced by the ADHD clinical behavioral therapists. I could be wrong. The description of your son's severe behavior problems sounds like ODD as well. You must be a very busy lady. It's nice of you to take the time to be supportive of another member of our ADHD community. There is a new type of behavior therapy being practiced for severe problems that was discussed recently at the CHADD conference.

It is very difficult for ADHD childen to handle tasks which require organization either to follow a plan or to create one. Why do we put our kids and ourselves through hell about cleaning up their rooms? Because we are captives of our culture and its traditional child rearing rules, a product of our beliefs and values and what a good parent should teach their children, clean your room. My son, upon request carried a bag of garbage out to the garage to be deposited in a larger container. A nice gross motor activity that occurred three times a week and which he was very successful at as well as having fullfilled some cultural mandate that we teach our kids to be responsible for the care of the home, especially their area. Three or four times a week I would cruise through my son's room and do a little straightening up for a minute or so. I preferred that to standing around giving directions for this and for that for 30 minutes. I felt good, he felt good. No conflict, frustation or anger. Besides you will never teach them to do that. They don't see the room as messy in the first place, but if they did there is no way they can organize a method to straighten it up. One alternative they can handle if you insist on Saturday room cleaning is keep it simple. The rule is get everything off the floor onto the bed, then call me. Stand there and give him objects saying put this away, put this away, put this away or just say " Thanks, good job I'll do the rest, thanks for helping, I'm proud of you." Nothing more. Keep it real. Keep it genuine. Let's not even get started with the book bag. But we must. Parenting rules again. The kid will come home with a disorganized bag and never be able to organize it. Even college, same for his room. What he will learn is that it is supposed to be organized from watching you do it while he starts his homework, one of the ADHD parents worse nightmares. From a young age, second grade, my son came home from school, took off and dropped in a pile there at his feet at the front door, his coat, scarf, gloves (if not lost that day )and hat. Next he bolted to the dining room table with his book bag where he always did his homework, hollering, "Come on Dad let's get started." I then organized homework, searched for important messages from school and organized the bag for the next day while he began his homework. No break. Snack at the table if his Ritalin supressed apetite wanted one. Our kids don't transition well. Especially from something they like to something they don't like. Like homework. But we had a rule that never changed and took him through to high school, "Nothing occurred until homework was completed to my satisfaction. Absolutely nothing." Then he bolted to his Play Station II. Thank God for those electronic recreation/leisure items. They are excellent rewards to be doled out if earned and can provide a lot of motivation for the child to be more cooperative. Never just give it away. You have to adapt your parenting because our kids don't respond to traditional parenting and the typical parenting practices we all look forward to with our children. But they don't work. Rules work that are followed strictly, rewards work when given or withheld according to the rules. Arguing is complete submission to your child dominating the environment and controlling your behavior. He makes you stand there and argue. Save your breath. He's not interested in reasons and rational explanations; a child 7 or younger with ADHD? The longer he talks the longer he keeps the door open for a possible capitulation on your part. It's happened before that's why it continues to happen. As far as time-out goes if your child is willing to participate in the activity you can be thankful that your child's behavioral symptom's are mild. If they aren't and there is any tendency toward physical aggression what do you do when he refuses to go? Do you want to end up in a situation where you have to use restraint or rooms with no inside door handles to control the child. Time-outs and restraints aren't teaching tools. They go on for years. A good intervention shows improvement in a fairly short time. But this is all therapists have for you folks, "Show the child who is boss, you have to be in control of the house." Yes you do. For a child who is 7 or under and is totally dependent on his parents for everything in the world that he has, don't give him anything fun. Let them use it. Control the access to all those fun thingsand based on something you get from him, such as completed behavior or the absence of inappropriate behavior you let him use them. Your ADHD kid unfortunately is not responsive to all those, "Ideal," ways of child rearing. Nope, but if you are mean when you need to be you'll have more time for the hugs and praise you want to give him and more opportunities to tell him how proud of him that you are and how you just love him to death.