the thing that gets me about this condition...

this exagerrated brain power backfires on me struggling to sustain the basic activities of living?

I use and misuse so much time simply worrying about how to get things done the things that keep me alive...they get done....it's instinctive but adhd does not seem to trust instinct doesn't want nuthin' to do with it have to panic it all into motion...bummer!

BP's and BPD's don't help much with the running of the show!..but thats more to deal with on another level call it maybe level 195 of absurd skyscraper brain?

it's like my mind decides all by itself that it's unridiculous capable and allows way way too much information in and realistically there just aint enough space for it.

I really don't know?...it's not right to clumsily assert that all things are figured out and it drives me crazy.

things ....I believe...just are not meant to be as complicated as I experience them.....the ordinary becomes the superordinary.... a voltage spark becomes lightening I want to drive this electrified monster to the limit!

therefore I daydream all flippin' day...while hypertension destroys me from the inside out.

next time I will write something more positive....I'm sorry

[BlueInanna]

You're right monkey. It doesn't make sense. People with adhd (and bipolar too) are known for having a high aptitude for abstract thought, usually considered intelligent, creative. But then why the F do we have so much trouble with "basic" functioning in society... I have some pretty spiritual ideas personally, like we are very sensitive, intuitive, and today's society doesn't value that. And if we were living in a way more of one with the earth, many of our symptoms wouldn't manifest. I could go on and on, but sleepy time for me. nite nite, hope I have some groovey dreams

...I really like your ideas there Blue and totally relate to the part about the earth, thanks so much, I hope you have those groovey dreams as well nitey nite

[kindachaotic]

monkey, thing that has always confused me is, I can have an fairly intelligent conversation with someone but.... if you ask or tell me to do something, the instructions hit a wall...
I have been this way all my life, school was horrendous. Being shunned cause of it always really hurt. Did wonders for my self-esteem.
Thoughts have either drifted away somewhere or are scrambled & overcooked.
Sound familiar??
See why I don't write much, it can get a wee bit personal.

...I understand yep, sharing this sort of stuff is like breaking a piece of yourself off and it gets taken away and "we want it back, give it back to me it's mine aaah"

I have been much the same as you described, throughout my life and it forced me to be a loner but my upbringing sort of helped with that still it wasn't easy.

I got really good at nodding my way through people giving directions but that never meant I knew what I was hearing people tell me and the 'drifty eye' was difficult to control cos I am trying sooo hard to focus!! it's bloody nuts! I'm using all my concentration to 'appear' like I'm concentrating ...funny hey? I still do it, I really keep to myself these days. People can notice we are intelligent but then they get let down when we screw up and that hurts.

there is also the little accusatory voice in my head mocking me and setting me up to fail when I'm put on the spot and expected to learn the way things are taught ("you aint listening are ya?...you think this is all stupid hey?...bet you can't remember what they just said? you know it's true, damn you're bored why don't you check the time again! maybe this pen can look interesting again?...oh time to nod again and just agree, thats right nice one!")...classrooms are an anxiety nightmare..

Many times at jobs I never would know what I was meant to do?...just nodding wanting to be left alone to figure it out myself and this is where mania would kick in and I would finish up doing other peoples jobs as well.

..didn't know what to do so just did everything in sight!, then expected to keep that up? nope....then burnout and now I'm rambling ...sorry

I love that...what you say there "scrambled and overcooked thoughts", overcooked....wow! so descriptive, and it's so true.

hey kindachaotic...you write whatever you feel comfortable with....thanks for what you wrote yep

monkey

"I knew what I was hearing people tell me and the 'drifty eye' was difficult to control cos I am trying sooo hard to focus!! it's bloody nuts! I'm using all my concentration to 'appear' like I'm concentrating ..." -- Very interesting

I feel like I fake my expressions, except for the easy ones like "Happy", so when things are rough and people need my help/understanding is a crisis I'm so focused on the problem that the energy spent on faking my expressions is immediately put "On Hold" and many times people think I'm uncaring or a jerk.

[Curlew]

Your first post of the thread was such stream of consciousness. I've tried to follow it, taken my faithful dog out for his few minutes of bedtime hyperactivity chasing rabbits, then I've come in and read it again. It's resonating strongly with me that we can't somehow claim back the time we lose whizzing round with ADHD or - for me - in lethargy and on self loathing from the losing things etc with ADD. What can we do but try to move forward? At best we may just be able to harness some of the wild horses in some creative direction. I've not yet come close to being offered medication - only informally reached the diagnosis myself, in the last few days, after having a sort of subliminal awareness of it for years and years. I don't fancy drug treatment with hypertensive side effects, if that is what you are referring to. I've got hypertension already.

Best wishes - I'm just off to take refuge in sleep, if I can. R

Originally Posted by YYZadd

"I knew what I was hearing people tell me and the 'drifty eye' was difficult to control cos I am trying sooo hard to focus!! it's bloody nuts! I'm using all my concentration to 'appear' like I'm concentrating ..." -- Very interesting

I feel like I fake my expressions, except for the easy ones like "Happy", so when things are rough and people need my help/understanding is a crisis I'm so focused on the problem that the energy spent on faking my expressions is immediately put "On Hold" and many times people think I'm uncaring or a jerk.

..yep, I wonder?...it occurred to me that sounds a bit like not being in "synch"

unsynchronised with the world around us and unless we can be deeply assertive that we have our own unique understanding and that we are likely to be outnumbered anyway...then it's so easy to become insecure and let people punish us it's unfair.

we feel the need to fit in with others yet others don't appear to need to fit in with us...those that love us will try and succeed and the rest can think what they like I reckon...

most adhd/add people I know are gentle and have a quiet way about them not overbearing at all but can retaliate when necessary with highly calculated and intuitive responses when stressed.

I sincerely doubt you are uncaring or a jerk YYZ

Originally Posted by Curlew

Your first post of the thread was such stream of consciousness. I've tried to follow it, taken my faithful dog out for his few minutes of bedtime hyperactivity chasing rabbits, then I've come in and read it again. It's resonating strongly with me that we can't somehow claim back the time we lose whizzing round with ADHD or - for me - in lethargy and on self loathing from the losing things etc with ADD. What can we do but try to move forward? At best we may just be able to harness some of the wild horses in some creative direction. I've not yet come close to being offered medication - only informally reached the diagnosis myself, in the last few days, after having a sort of subliminal awareness of it for years and years. I don't fancy drug treatment with hypertensive side effects, if that is what you are referring to. I've got hypertension already.

Best wishes - I'm just off to take refuge in sleep, if I can. R

thanks R for even giving it one read and still another .

I often have to read back several times what I write to 'learn' what on earth is going on in my head, aaah!
it's a risk to burst brain matter onto the page but it helps and thanks for responding.

you know those lottery machines? ...where the balls are flung around in the big clear ball and then a mechanism trips and spits a ball out with a number on it.

...it's a bit like that in my add brain, I never know what number ball is gonna pop out and keep waiting for the jackpot...ah it's such fun

gee I hope the hypertension aint too bad! I was banned from add medication years ago for abusing it (naughty)....thats a shame but I have other problems that intersect and yep. I just hypertension anyway.

enjoy the sleeping ....monkey