[LMo]

We haven't had the 'one step back yet', but I'm trying not to get my hopes up that it won't happen.

We're making some good progress. I found an Adult ADD coach who happens to live just a few blocks from our house. My husband and I went through her website, and corresponded by email with her a few times before committing to an initial session. He wants me to go with him for the first one, and if he decides to continue, then he'll go on his own afterward, at least once a week, maybe more. She's not free, but not as expensive as I had feared, either, and she has a LOT of good experience with male adult ADD.

The other step forward regards my husband and school. In our last T session, our T concluded that if looking for jobs and applying for schools was easy for my husband, then he would have already done it. He's far from lazy, but he gets extremely frustrated and agitated when faced with a job hunt or filling out an application. Only recently did we make the connection between this struggle and ADD. Anyway, as much as I had been resisting helping him with such things (because previously, our former and current T had said that he needs to learn to do it himself), our T now is saying that he needs to accept and learn to recognize his limitations and figure out ways to compensate, whether it be asking for help with filling out applications, or seeing if there are alternate methods for achieving the same goal.

So, now my husband's job is to:
1) spend 15 minutes a day on the computer looking for jobs and schools, just for data gathering and desensitization (so that the concept doesn't build up inordinate amounts of anxiety and pressure). He doesn't have to accomplish anything other than look, but he is responsible for doing it each day.
2) Spend one hour per day with me doing the same. With the school applications, I read out loud and type, but he has to make the decisions. We had tried this in the past, and it always ended in tears. So, my T's goal for him is to stick through the entire hour, without giving up and walking away. So far so good. We submitted a form for an art school, asking for an appointment to take a tour, and they just called and he talked to them for about 15 minutes, and set a time for a tour and interview next Monday.

MY job is to:
1) stick to the time limit. This means that even if we're only 5 minutes away from finishing what we're working on, I need to respect the time limit and let him go when the hour is up if he doesn't want to keep going. This is hard for me -- I always end on a high note when I do my own work.
2) be careful to always let HIM make the decisions instead of trying to influence his answers. This is also hard for me, because I'm much more comfortable with risk than he is.

Progress!

[LMo]

Ok, so here's my question to a few of the adults in this forum who have expressed their disappointment that their spouses were unsupportive:

What should I do about the fact that while my husband has had a TERRIFICALLY productive day otherwise, he hasn't spent his 15 minutes doing his job/school search yet but is off to participate in a bike race? I'm not sure how much this has to do with ADD as it does his anxiety about doing things that perhaps the ADD makes difficult for him, but if you had ADD and I was your wife, what should I do? Let our T deal with it? Ignore it? Ask him about it?

This is where I get stuck - either I'm nagging or I'm enabling. I can't win no matter what approach I try.

[logan10]

First and fore most, you are way more supportive and paitent with the ADHD issue than my wife is. Kudos to you. If you can handle the our crazy little world, that wonderful. But, for the job search. Looking for a job can be boring to person with ADHD. Sometimes, we need our release and we come back much more focused. I see that your hubby likes to bike ride, let him! Don't hold him back from that. But, make sure that he comes back and works on his job search after he is done. My passion is playing Rugby and the wife doesn't like it at all. With the baby on the way, she whined that I take a season off. So, I am and I will be miserable. On the other hand, I just found out I might need hernia surgery, that will be fun. blah.

I think what your husband is doing is good. Keep the sanity together and don't give up. I do know us ADHDer's can such pains in the arse, but a lot of paitence can go a long way.

KJ

[LMo]

Thanks Logan - I appreciate your feedback. I try to be supportive, because I do have a lot of faith in my husband that he wants things to be different for himself, but struggles to figure out a way to do it.

Looking for a job is boring for ANYONE, btw!

Congratulations about your en route baby!

The problem with the bike race is that it starts at 7:30pm and predictably, he's way too tired when he gets home at 10. So I knew when I saw him getting his bike stuff together that fulfilling his end of the bargain was not going to happen that day

I just want him to try. If he doesn't reach his goals, that's ok, but he needs to try. But yes, I do agree with you -- if he doesn't get his bike hours in, he is also miserable and antsy, and face it -- it's not exactly a vice. I'm glad that he had a healthy way of letting off steam.

Anyway, we have the appointment with the ADD coach on Thursday and his tour/interview with the art school on Monday, so hopefully we're heading down the right path.

Logan - would it be helpful if your wife joined a support group for spouses of ADHD/ADD'ers? I don't know of one, but I'd be happy to look and/or participate with her. Originally, I joined a support group for spouses/SO's of people with depression, and for a while, it was helpful to me to connect with other people who could relate, and hear from more seasoned spouses who had reached the point where they had the energy to share their education and compassion.

Thanks again Logan

[logan10]

Hey, it's a crazy ADHD world out there and some of us have to live it. But, keep on the support with the husband. My wife discourages the fact that I have the GIFT, and calls it stupidity. RRRRRR But, hopefully, she will come down from that high chair of hers and see the whole entire picture. She does remind of things to do all the time (ie: pay bills), and she doesn't let me forget that. She somewhat supportive on the ADHD issue, but lately the preggy hormones are on a rampage. ahhhhhhhhh Thank goodness, little Xander will be here and the hormones will somewhat stop!

[LMo]

Thanks Logan - I hope the preggy hormones subside after little Xander comes along (cool name!)

You know, you and I could learn a lot about our relationships since we're each coming from our spouses' point of view. You could probably help me understand my husband better, and I could probably help you understand your wife better. I like hearing your perspective because my husband is kind of reserved, so sometimes I can only guess what's going through his mind. And you seem very angry with your wife about her lack of understanding, but I imagine that she's dealing with her own frustrations, which maybe you can keep an open mind to learning some compassion about.

Anyway, thank you very much for your feedback. It's really helping me a lot. High-five to you out there somewhere in Illinois!

[Meta]

Hi LMO,

That's great about the coach. I only recently got diagnosed with ADD, but most definitely I have had it for a long time. I don't have a coach but have been seeing my therapist for many years on and off and I plan to start making weekly lists with her. I would classify her style as a coaching supportive one, although she is a certified clinical social worker. My husband has never been impatient with me, perhaps because I told him 3 weeks after we got married about 11 yrs ago that he could never yell at me. He really would love to take me in hand and direct my life because he has no self esteem about himself and thinks I have all the promise in the family. I think we are equal and have completely resisted his pushing, sometimes very angrily. I never yelled at anyone before my husband and never expressed loss of patience with anyone before him. Such is marriage I suppose. I constantly remind myself that he and my daughter are my most beloved in the world. It helps. Because my husband is so underemployed, he has too much time to think and he is very obsessive and can be very compulsive in a non productive way. I had to call a halt to all home remodeling because he would do things over and over and we couldn't afford it. He is wonderful with cooking and cleaning and childcare. I have to do all the paperwork and that only becomes a problem when I get depressed. We both are suited to and interested in different things and mostly that works out.
I do have to keep telling him not to try and direct me. I was single into my 30's and got far with school and work without him.
I took him to my therapist because I was concerned about the possible effects to my daughter from my depression. She thinks my daughter is fine. She really thought my husband was great; she liked how he looked at me and listened to me in her office. She understands he doesn't always "hear" me at home. She also thought my daughter was doing fine, and thatI need not to communicate my anxieties to her. I had to agree.
I have to think spouses coaching other ADD spouses won't work out. I felt like I was being treated like a child at times when my husband was trying to direct me. At other times I appreciated his supportive remarks-like telling me I get anxious when I feel physically sick. He was very right. I think physical sickness makes me feel helpless and helplessness was a big part of my childhood.
I could go on but I will stop and read your posting again to see if I answered it_-lol.

meta

[Meta]

I think I will have to come back to decide!

Hey logan.

Meta

[monjul]

Well, I have to say I probably have of the most most supportive spouse's out there! I was diagnosed last year at age 34 while I was struggling through nursing school (I graduated yesterday btw). I always felt I was different, but I never thought I had ADHD. Once we found out, my husband took over ALL the household responsibilities while I was in school so I wouldn't have any "chores" to distract me and so I could concentrate ONLY on school. Also, between semesters, when I was doing chores, he would always check on me to make sure that I didn't get distracted with anything else. Together we make lists of things I need to do and a timeframe to get things done. I know it seems like he's my parent when it comes to these things, but that's what works for us. I need him to keep me on task. This is our system. He wil also back off if I need him too. I am the one with ADHD, but in his mind, since I have it, and he has me and I have him, then it's his too! We make changes as we go to what works best for us. Now that I am out of school and will be getting a real job, we will discuss how to adapt to this new change. All I have to say is that I couldn't ask for a more supportive and accepting, and patient husband!

[LMo]

Monjul - I love your posts (and you've only made 3 so far!!! )

This is exactly how I would like my husband and I to work together. I have always been willing to support him and generally, we do a good job with teamwork and compensating for each others strengths/weaknesses. However, the main area that we get 'stuck' in regards 'lists'.

The dilemma is that he really freaks out if he has more than one thing to do, and god forbid we make a list. That would send him right to bed, quivering with paralysis. Yet, he also gets defensive if I am involved with keeping him on task, no matter what kind of approach I take. It's a catch-22 - he acknowledges that he struggles and would benefit from help, but he can't accept it. Hence now trying this coach -- we've tried so many other approaches and they didn't work well, so we can't just give up.

One thing that works well for us, though, is the 'job jar' (it's actually an old bike water bottle). We took a few regular household responsibilities, such as cleaning the garage or mowing the lawn, and broke them down into tasks that take less than an hour to complete. Then, on weekends, he just picks something out of the 'job jar'. In this way, he doesn't get overwhelmed with too many responsibilities looming over him, yet doesn't get defensive about having me 'tell him what to do'.

We've also had some terrific therapy sessions lately; ones where we both hugged and cried tears of intimacy (as stupid as that sounds coming from someone like me who tends to be rather stoic). I'm so grateful to our T, who really has an intuitive way of bridging the communication gap and manages to work around my husband's defensiveness.

Anyway, thanks for your stories and your replies. I appreciate it!

[monjul]

Thanks for the compliment. I haven't been on this forum in a long time because I had to put everything on the back burner while I was in school, but now that I'm done, I'll be visiting more often.