Not yet divorced from Aspie husband

My husband and I married after 8 years of being friends, and we had a lot of together. The day we were married, he told me he had a son with his exgirlfriend. WHAT?? Yeah, it turns out he was trying to be funny and it was a cat they had when they were dating and they called it their son. Later that night, he answered the phone when she called him. She just found out he was engaged. So since day one, it immediately felt like I was no longer number one to him.

I thought I was going to plan the reception (we eloped and did a reception later), since I was the bride. He seemed to have no interest in that stuff before. I wanted black napkins, he refused to have anything black. Okay. But it was the way he said it. It was a command. So now I felt like I was in a power/control relationship. It was easier to not talk. He couldn't turn anything I said into something negative then or tell me how it was wrong or could be improved. There would be less arguing. It chipped away at me every day. I loved it when he left the house, so I could just relax.

He said he had cats growing up. I'm not an animal lover. I get uncomfortable around animals in my environment. Outside, okay, but inside...I'm a bit OCD with anxiety and can't trust them to not destroy something or attack me. But I loved my husband enough to try having a cat in the house...as long as he helped me with it. I helped him in the beginning by changing the litter box (gloves, mask, immediately into its own trash bag, clean the litter box with 401, and add new litter). Then I noticed my husband rarely thanked me...as if he didn't notice. I mentioned this and he told me to just tell him to change it and he would. This caused more frustration in a new marriage for me because I married him to be his wife not his mother. So I was curious if he'd change it on his own, and I kept track how long it took for him to do it. It was over 30 days! I changed it and told him about it later. He didn't believe me that it was that long. WOW! Now I changed it because it was really bad. His version of changing the litter box: take litter box to the trash can we take to the curb WITHOUT a liner and dump it straight into the trash can. I was horrified the first time I saw that and explained to him how he should be respectful to the person who has the job to pick that up every Friday. He didn't understand.

I later made him get rid of his cat because he wouldn't help. He never vacuumed, dusted, changed the litter box regularly, helped keep the cat quiet in the mornings. It started to meow when he left while I was trying to sleep (different shifts). It was driving me crazy, and I couldn't get back to sleep in the morning from the meowing or stay asleep at night when it was bouncing around the room or staring at me when I slightly woke up.

He failed to tell his family any of this but did tell them I made him get rid of his cat. So they started out hating me for that reason. After that, my husband seemed to resent me quite a bit. I tried to ignore that and did feel bad I made him get rid of his cat. I tried avoiding anything cat-related so it wouldn't remind him. He thought it was because I hated cats. He wouldn't change his mind when I told him that the reason was for his benefit.

Then he started talking to his ex-girlfriend a lot more. He was helping plan her reception when we were planning ours. That was fine, but he seemed to be talking to her every time I came home from work. I asked him to dial it back and not talk to her as much. He talked to her more. I asked him to at least not talk to her on our honeymoon. He agreed. The last day of the trip, he was texting her. "What are you doing?!" He told me, "What? You said not to talk to her; you didn't say anything about texting." I was very upset and felt this marriage wasn't going to work. He was just walking all over me and didn't care about my feelings at all. Everything had to be his way or he'd pout.

I made him stop communicating with his ex a few months after that when he kept up with the entirely too frequent communication. Again, he told his family I made him stop talking to his friend without any of my reasonable requests before that. So I look like the crazy, jealous person to his family who is stripping away who he is and making him unhappy.

I found out later he lied about not talking to her. He had been lying about that for a year and a half. I found out, asked him about it, he lied again, then I told him we may have to get divorced. That's what I told him would happen. I haven't been able to trust him ever since. And that is part of why we are getting divorced now. I want to trust him, but he keeps lying.

He filed for divorce last month. So I've been evaluating our marriage, and someone suggested aspergers. My ignorance of this occurred from assuming it was like the character, Jerry, on Boston Legal. So I shrugged it off at first, but looked it up recently. I'm in shock! I feel kinda bad too! He HAS been telling me the truth. I've spent 5 years trying to figure out why we couldn't communicate effectively and would argue over everything. He didn't understand why I looked miserable at all of his family's holidays. I wasn't really miserable. I had fun, but I was always wondering why he seemed so happy and respectful with them but not with me. He also would give me a hard time about 3 minutes late leaving the house or if I had to stay late for an emergency at work...causing me to be late leaving when I did get home. He'd give me a hard time about that in the car ride over and just snap out of it when we got to his family's house. I did not snap out of it. It was as if he never treated me poorly and felt no need to apologize for it.

I've tried explaining these little things to his family because he wanted me to let them know I was sorry for looking miserable and try to change myself. They didn't understand either and, yet again, I was the problem. This was making me feel even crazier than what he had already caused and my birth control. The side effects of hormonal injections combined with a husband with undiagnosed asperger's...I probably did sound and act crazy. Who wouldn't??

Anyway, I now know he has asperger's based on my observations. He also has bipolar disorder, ADHD, heart condition, high blood pressure, etc. There is more to add but not related. So I thought I was dealing with bipolar disorder, but it's not. I asked his doctor about a specific scenario and he said it wasn't bipolar. I think he assumed it was being a jerk, and I was being codependent.

I can't believe I'm just now putting the puzzle together. I am the only one that has solved it too! Not even his own parents, his doctors, his friends, him...NO ONE knows. So I haven't acted the best over the years in reaction to him. (Not all is asperger's...so much more, but 85% of the actual arguing is from this) I also kept telling him that my actions are reactions to HIS actions. He disagrees with this being a solution: he has to behave for me to behave.
That's how he sees it. I try to stay calm, but again birth control with undiagnosed asperger's is going to make anyone react not-so-well.

I would have acted so differently and he would too had we known this earlier. He has a no contact order on me now, so I can't try talking to him. After discovering this, I don't know if I should try with him again. He's put my family through hell by having me arrested and lying to the cops. I'm still dealing with that now. And everyone I've talked to says he's railroaded me. He did all of this behind my back and the cops never even spoke with me to get my side.
He thinks I've put his family through hell because I haven't been super fun at the holidays and they've only seen him become more miserable. (Because I yelled at him for being disrespectful to me and his power/control issues and made him get rid of his cat and friend/exgirlfriend.)

He's had sex with someone else already. Within 2 weeks of filing, but I'm pretty sure it was 2 days. He broke into my car and stole my laptop. He returned it to me via court order, but he's completely messed it up. He deleted my web history (with some school work I didn't save), pictures of the girls he was talking to inappropriately (he'd the type to have them at the house and say they were someone else), hidden all of my pictures, deleted some pictures of the thumb he broke 3 years ago, re-directed web browsers and other shortcuts. There's probably more, but I turned it off before he could remote into it and mess with it some more.

The thumb...He restrained me in the bedroom during an argument over the level of cleanliness he required for the spare bathroom (it still smelled of litter after the cat removal, so I just shut the door). I tried to get out of the bedroom. He bent my thumb back too far and it broke or sprained really, really bad. It required a molding for 6 weeks and physical therapy for a few months after that. It still hurts to this day if I text too much, play video games, type too long, or my normal position when driving. I did not turn him into the police nor have him arrested. He's not even remorseful about this or shows any empathy.

For the last year, he worked at a job he hated. When he came home, I wasn't allowed to talk to him. He needed his de-stressing time for an hour or two. But he sat on the couch in the living room where I was. So now I felt this uncomfortable tension. I wanted to make a comment about the tv show we were watching, but I couldn't. When I slipped and did say something because IT'S NATURAL, he would get really upset, yell at me, and start the clock again on "quiet time." My solution that was unreasonable at the time: go upstairs when you get home and come down when you feel better.

Okay, those are some of the highlights of the more intense arguments that have worn us down. Knowing it's asperger's now, I think we could actually work. Yes, we have some horrible things in our history, but I could put that in the past if he stops talking to these inappropriate girls and chooses to try cognitive/behavioral therapy.

But I can't talk to him. We are still married, and I love him so much. I can't believe he's done some of these really awful things to me, as if he's trying to ruin my life in every aspect...not just emotionally now. I read that it's a business transaction for an Aspie.

I quit my job to go back to school. He tells me 2 months after that, we should get divorced. That was also the day I returned from the brother-in-law's funeral. Then he has an emotional affair with a coworker. He gets fired for his attitude and questioning the boss. He calls the cops on me at his mom's christmas because I asked him if he still had a desire to talk to that coworker. I am serious about that. It was ridiculous. He also brought that up in front of everyone by asking me to apologize or leave. I didn't know what he wanted me to apologize for. Apparently, it was because I stayed in another room until I stopped crying. He got pissed off I asked him that question, wouldn't answer, and left me in the room knowing it was hurting me when he talked to her. THAT to him was me involving his family. I was in the other room. Nothing was public until he came in the living room and called me out in front of everyone.

So he's divorcing me knowing I have no job, he's caused me to possibly fail out of school, put me on a cellphone contract that costs $50 more a month vs the old plan I had (only switched for him), messed up my laptop, had me arrested and now facing a felony charge (he lied and said I prevented him from leaving the room), forced me to pay thousands of dollars on attorneys, kicked me out of the house via the no contact order, have major credit card debt in my name from OUR purchases, not giving me ANY money, etc.

Hell, we paid nearly $2000 on nice tires in november for his new car that we bought May of last year, got him a new phone with a dock to use in the car, put $9000 of the car purchase on my credit card with lower interest rate as long as it was paid off in a year...that's now my debt according to the law. He's really screwed me over...not to mention he's already had sex and has other girls lined up. I really hope none of that is in our house and on our bed. Oh, we bought a sleep number bed last year too because our backs were hurting and we thought it'd be a nice long-lasting investment. If we do get divorced, he's getting that hit on his side now.

Now...opinions from those who know the difficulties for an NT with an undiagnosed Aspie? Do you think he could trust me again? I also read that if an aspie learns to lie, they don't stop. And once they don't trust someone, they never trust that person again. I really think he's the one. We just never learned to communicate with one another. Which makes sense now why we haven't been able to figure it out after all these years. I know the reason now but he doesn't know yet. If he admits he has this and gets help, do you think we could/should have a happy marriage? I plan to take classes on my end to better understand too.

I'm not sure if there's too much bad history to go back to happy for us.

Reminder: he's the one divorcing me because of my capacity to yell so much at him, go through his accounts, email the excoworker to please move on because we're working on us, look miserable at the holidays, not enjoy trips, not seem happy with him at home, not want to go out or do new things, etc.
Knowing it's asperger's changes everything. We can find a solution now and both of us not be miserable from not being able to communicate with the other.

Hi! I have read your story. I know you want to be hopeful about your future with him, but I have my doubts. Are you sure you love him? Do you need him to stay married to you because of finances?

Before you get too carried away with planning for him to get help and return to you, I suggest you talk to him. You two do have a terrible history together. Remember, too, that he has not been officially diagnosed. Unless he agrees to go into counseling with you, then I say, "Move on." If possible, I think you need to talk to a counselor about the situation. Okay?

I honestly don't think this is really an autism thing... I mean, you could be having the exact same problems with somebody who wasn't autistic. Like anyone else, we do make our own choices. Most of us choose to behave like decent people. Some of us... don't.

Love is not a business transaction for us. I don't know where you read that, but absolutely not. To me, love means doing things for each other, caring about the other's well-being. It means spending time together. I express love most by concrete action: If someone I love is hurting, I may have no idea how to comfort them, and will probably admit to them how lost I am, but I will want to do things for them, or give them things. Love for me, and many other autistics, is protection and security and knowing the other person is always on your side. It's being able to predict each other, being trustworthy and trusting.

This isn't Asperger's. If he has AS, it's probably minor and in the background--most Aspies just don't have the social skills to seduce some random women within two weeks. Having "other girls lined up" is practically unknown on the spectrum. He's rigid, he's trying to control you--and you keep trying to control him, too--and neither of you is happy in your marriage.

Re. lying: Yes, we can lie, and most of us "learn" how to lie when we're children, but we suck so badly at it that most of us don't bother. If you weren't able to detect his lies, that shows he has more social expertise than the average Aspie has.

I don't know where you've been reading about Asperger's, but you're getting a lot of misinformation here. When you think of Asperger's, the stereotype that comes closest is probably "nerd". People with AS are usually socially awkward, speaking in monotone and lecturing rather than having conversations, completely fascinated with one or a few subjects of interest. Most of us also have social anxiety and have trouble connecting with new people, especially casually; those who don't have social anxiety are often so awkward that they are mistaken for having an intellectual disability or mental illness. It can be more subtle, but the weaker the AS traits are, the less they affect your interpersonal relationships--by the time you get to an Aspie who can actually seduce multiple women and lie effectively, it's more of a matter of the choices they made than any effect of Asperger's.

Actually, the only Aspie-like thing I see in your whole narrative is that he didn't understand that you wanted him to clean out the cat box because he asked you to tell him if you wanted him to, and you didn't tell him to. So, basically, he took your instructions literally and assumed that you didn't want him to clean out the box. Autistic people are often better at communicating with words.

Regarding whether you two can have a happy marriage: You'd have to work at it. A lot. A big part of that would be your accepting him for who he is, not attempting to change him. Autism is something that's hard-wired in. We can learn to communicate with others, to connect, but we cannot change the fundamental differences between ourselves and typical people. You would have to learn his language, and he would have to learn yours. Note that when I say "Asperger's" I mean the basic cognitive tendencies, and you cannot change those, nor should you try. Nor should he try to change you.

It may be a relief to blame all of this on Asperger's, but the fact is, you have a marriage that is not satisfactory to either of you, and that is a situation that many people find themselves in without AS involved. What you're experiencing is something that happens to approximately half of all marriages--it is not uncommon. I honestly think most of this is not Asperger's at all. Both of you are trying to change the other person to suit themselves, and that is just not a good foundation for a relationship.

What the two people above said. There is some aspie cluelessness, but the manipulation and lying don't fit at all. You two aren't on the same page for anything, so don't go back and try to rescue him, yourself, and the relationship with your, well . . . naive and unprofessional diagnosis.

I was trying to give some highlights and probably wrote too much. He takes words literally, seems to go through motions rather than actually experiencing empathy or remorse, can recite verbatim any line from a movie he watched once, fixates on one subject and researches it to death, refuses to postpone fixing a minor problem until the next day so he can enjoy the evening, etc.

No, I don't need to stay married for finances. More convenient, sure, but I started dating him when he was unemployed. I also know he can't hold a job, so it is definitely not for the finances. He had a low credit score, collections, no savings, no job, and lived in his best friend's house when we were dating. These would have been turn-offs had I known earlier, but I fell in love with him first.

Counselor said he is immature, disrespectful, untrustworthy, and doesn't want to grow up. I concur. It was the verbatim quotes, fixated on a subject before he can move to the next, taking words literally, inability to see chores around the house that need to be done, getting really upset if we leave the house three minutes after the scheduled time, and being able to snap out of a bad mood immediately and confused why I'm still upset.

Some of this is bipolar and sociopathic behavior. He was being set up with a willing participant by his ex-girlfriend and having another conversation with a friend since grade school. She's had a crush on him forever and he's in a downward spiral right now. Not a lot of seducing needed.

It's not that we're trying to change each other at the core but there's always room for improvement. If I left wet towels on the floor all of the time...improving things like that. He's a lot better with his spending habits. We had overdraft fees all of the time. I had to budget for them until I developed a new technique.

This is one website with the information I referenced:
karinfriedemann.blogspot.com

Acting normal outside the home, but being mentally/physically drained at home. It's exhausting for him to appear "normal." He can't stand crowds, gets major anxiety, has stomach problems, sensitive to light, needs to know exactly what is happening when we have a family event to attend, gets unbelievably upset if the schedule given isn't followed exactly.

Manipulation and lying, I believe, fall under the sociopath category. He has all kinds of problems both mentally and physically. Taking words literally seemed to be a unique trait to Asperger's and he does that. I've had many arguments with him because he prides himself on communication, yet doesn't seem to get communicating. I thought he was doing it to debate because he seems to love to argue. He has been consistent on the literal meaning of words though.

smilee44, I definitely think he is dealing with something--I don't know about Asperger's myself, but some of these folks do. IF he does agree to go to a counselor and start the diagnosis process, then you will still have many, many relationship issues to deal with.

Of course, it's your choice to see if he might be willing to try again, but I personally think he's not a keeper. At any rate, best wishes.

You might want to share part of this situation in the relationship forum to see what feedback you might get there.

I think that while he may have some aspie traits, he sounds more like a sociopath. I would be done with him. That's too much even for me. And I'm married to a diagnosed paranoid schitzophrenic. (Honestly, he's a bit better on meds)

Well, exactly. Not AS, the thing you put in the subject line and is in this forum category.

It sounds like a very unpleasant situation and you have been treated very badly.

I suggest that you use this opportunity to make a new life for yourself. You deserve something better. I doubt that your husband would ever change his behaviour.

It doesn't sound like Asperger's at all to me to be honest. I'm also aware that when you get one person's viewpoint of a "problem" relationship, that it's rarely unbiased. To me it just sounds like a bad pairing. While often I know that we can see psychological problems before the professionals, or systems (depending on area, country etc) can be problematic for diagnosis, it concerns me that you have considered him "diagnosed" with all those psychological issues off your own merit, and given the first post hinted not a jot at ASD, it makes me wonder about the others. It sounds to me like you're very hurt, and probably fairly so, so just move on. It doesn't really matter what his problem is, your problem is clearly him and vice versa. It is not a healthy relationship and probably will never be one. xx

I'd just like to be the contrary voice here. Certainly it *could* be ASPD, but you said he had ADHD.

First, it's not unheard of for autistic people to be unfaithful. There is a stereotype of autistic people of being scrupulously honest, and frankly its a little more complicated than that. Even if you just consider autism, they can frequently develop odd viewpoints about relationships because they have profound issues with cognitive empathy... and those can include infidelity.

Pathological lying isn't a typical feature of autism, but lying can go hand in hand with infidelity... its kind of a necessity. Autistic people don't have affairs by accident, and they do hold responsibility for those, but there are, very frequently cognitive distortions involved that have structured the need.

ADHD (and OCD) are a very common comorbidities with ASD. With ADHD sexual relation issues are pretty common, due to impulsivity. The ADHD combined with ASD can cause very significant self-esteem issues, which can lead to a whole host of very odd defensive behaviors... and again, there is responsibility for harmful stuff like infidelity, but there are also disorder-based reasons why the behavior happened, that isn't "I do what I want, and don't care who I hurt."

Your mentioning that you were telling him what he couldn't do, and him overtly complying and covertly rebelling is not very ASPD. In that case he'd very likely become enraged (while being charming for the remainder of the time.)

I wouldn't be quite so quick as everyone else here to immediately say "sociopath." It is a possibility, but the autistic constellation disorders mentioned certainly don't preclude the behavior here.

From what I can see, he might be driving this divorce and this all might be moot, but if he does have ASD and ADHD, and has had no treatment, he's been living in a pretty hostile world, and isn't automatically deserving of being ostracized.

Hi Smile44,

I am in similar situation as you. I would like to know what happened to your divorce or did you guys reconcile?

Thanks,
AS10

Last Activity: 8th May 2013

That is when the OP was here last. I don't think you will get much of a reply.

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