Hi guys,

So after all the self-discovery I have been through the past year, months of agonizing over things that went wrong in the past and analyzing what my role in it was, and finally getting over not being able to have a relationship with a person that I wanted to, I began to think - what’s the point of it all?

Briefly, last year was a revelation for me - I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder as many of you may know, after 24 years of not understanding why my life seemed to be the disaster it was, why everyone rejected me, and why I seemed to be an involuntary observer rather than an active participant in life. Over several months, I began to put the pieces together, all the bad experiences I had up until then, and finally what they all meant in the context of having autism.

I also figured out why, for example, I can’t seem to start or have relationships, whether romantic or just a friendship, with people. It comes down to the lack of my ability to show empathy. I finally figured out that was the reason my romantic interest mentioned earlier (and that some of you know about) never materialized into a relationship with that person. She obviously felt rejected by me and wasn't impressed with me no-selling her romantic signals, which I by now figured out she was doing initially (until she got fed up of being ignored obviously and felt rejected by me).

The thing is though, I know now that I acted like a jerk to many people - very cold and unresponsive, lacking compassion and empathy in every day encounters with others, and believe me, for that I feel sorry and extremely guilty. I accept that it was ME that did put out that message and I don’t blame normal people for being pissed with me, I really don't. I understand that they don't understand, because I didn't even understand, if you know what I mean.

The thing is, I don’t know if anyone here (diagnosed with autism in adulthood) has ever had this experience, but have you ever tried explaining to normal people that you now know what you did and you feel bad about it, but that it really wasn't intentional, and that you didn't even understand what was going on and what you were doing? That you are not heartless, cold or compassion-less, but simply can’t show it? They totally IGNORE you and CONTINUE to believe their own analysis of you. I already feel so enormously guilty and ashamed for the mere fact that I portrayed such a horrible false persona of myself, but I mean, I didn't know I was doing it. Now that I wish to explain, people convey to me in a non-verbal manner that I must leave them alone forever for being such a jerk (yes, it was her that did it). They firmly believe I am a psychopath or some narcissistic jerk who has not an ounce of compassion for any living person. In other words, I am some kind of monster. The worst thing is, they treat you like this so much that you begin to believe it yourself.

So, when I really think about it, I mean what's the difference, right? To a normal person, an autistic person and a psychopath boils down to the same thing - a person to avoid, a monster that you must keep out of your life at all costs.

Furthermore, if you really think about it, why should they care anyway, right? Statistics say that 2 to 3 people out of 1000 people of the population are autistic. So, I mean that's at most 1 person in about 330. Let's just imagine you've got a normal person and in their life they have at a given time about 100 in total of a mixture of friends, acquaintances, love interests and colleagues. Let’s say 1 of those 100 people is autistic. I truly believe that it becomes a case of “cut your losses” for these people (of course they'll never say that because you are technically a “human” and they should never be so callous as to reduce it all to a numbers game and see you as just a number - yeah, whatever) or the investment is greater than the reward. They just look at us and say “it's just too much effort to try and understand this person” and then they decide to just discard us, because let's face it - they've still got 99 other normal people to play with. I mean, I am yet to meet a farmer who will look at a crate of 99 green apples with 1 red one who says: “I'm not going to throw out this 1 red apple, I am going to throw out the other 99 green ones.” It just doesn't happen.

People just ignore autists because it's the obvious thing to do with the least amount of effort. Those other 99 normal friends or whatever constitutes less effort and more reward to the person.

So, at the end of the day, what’s the difference? We, as autists, expend substantial effort and spend so much time analyzing our condition, trying to accept ourselves, trying to get over a life of hurt and rejection, trying to improve the way we present ourselves, trying to show empathy (even though I have no clue what I'm doing) trying to see things from another, normal person's perspective. And, from their side, they just simply can't give a flying *****. In their eyes you’re just a freak, a weirdo, and a psycho - it doesn't matter that I have autism, because in their eyes it might as well be schizophrenia, psychopathy, or even f*cking rabies.

Now, these people are telling me I must take pills to make myself happy, that I have depression and who knows what. All I keep hearing is I must go onto medication. I don't need medication dammit, I need to be accepted just like everyone else gets accepted by default, with no effort simply because they are lucky enough to be born normal. What do they expect? All I know is a lifetime of rejection, false assumptions about me and projection of their fears onto me, and I'm going to just ignore all of that and smile and be happy about it? I must go onto medication? I know why they say that. They're tired of looking into my expressionless face. The fact that I'm unhappy is tiring to THEM. They don't like this unhappy person in their midst. Well boo-hoo, try walking in my boots for a day. As usual, it's all about them, the normals. Then, they have the audacity to tell me it's because they want me to be happy and they care about me. They only want me happy so that they have one less unconventional or uncommon problem/thing to deal with. They want everything to be easy, uncomplicated, and in a form they can solve with no effort on their part. They just want that luxury of being able to continue rejecting me, but now with a clear conscience, because, "Hey, the asshole is happy now because he's on happy pills, so nothing needs to change."

And then they call me narcissistic, a compassion-less monster. Whatever.

[kaliope]

well i will start by telling you i dont have autism, but i hope you dont think that negates my response. i know i cant possibly understand what you are going thru.

but i do want to say that you have more caring and feeling than i do. i have my own mental health issues that keep me from being able to connect with people, form attachments, and have relationships, but i simply dont care what other people think of me for not being able to do this. so who is the real monster here if anybody is a monster. i am just trying to give you some prespective here so you stop beating yourself up so hard. you seem to have so much compassion and feelings. it is oozing out of you.

i am basing this on what you wrote. i dont know what you did. but it seems that you went to her to apologize and explain and she rejected this. well i have some words for her. so she is the one who lacks compassion and does not care. do not base who you are and the future of mankind on her response. while i do not have much faith in the world in general, i do believe that you can not judge how others are going to react based on her reaction.

there are many kind and caring people in the world. if they are not surrounding you now, find a new crowd to hang out with.

[kim_johnson]

The environment / the people in your environment makes a huge difference. People on the higher functioning end of the Autistic Spectrum don't seem to have a great deal of trouble communicating with / relating to other people on the Autistic Spectrum. It isn't that people on the Autistic Spectrum lack empathy - it is that they are differently empathetic. It wasn't that you didn't send out signals... It was that the people around you didn't know how to read them.

What I'm trying to say... Is that there isn't anything wrong with you. But you are different from most people, and that makes it hard, sometimes.

You can learn (painstakingly) to improve the quality of your relationships with people who simply don't get you... I think it is worth doing this, to a certain extent. But I also think that it is important to seek out people who are more like yourself. People who you can relax around instead of needing to devote vast resources to translating their words / behaviour which is... Exhausting. Is there some kind of in person support group you can access?

One thing that has perhaps been a bit difficult for me to come to terms with is that my intimacy requirements are different from most people. I feel comfortable with people being at arms length. I don't need to interact with people every day. Most other people are different from this. I have had to come to terms with things like... How the person who I think of as my very best friend in the whole wide world... Can be someone who I only talk to every few months. I realized pretty quick that a proper relationship / marriage would be off the cards for me. I don't need to see people every day. Maybe I could get married... If we lived in separate houses. Perhaps spent half a year (or more) of each year apart... I feel sad about this, sometimes.. But it has been a process of accepting myself and what I need and what it is that is good for me.

Thank you for your positive words kaliope! I'm sorry that you have mental issues as you have mentioned here, many hugs

Yeah, I mean, of course, one can never generalize, it is generalization that has put me in the boat I'm in after all anyway.

But, I see more and more of this "standard" response with people. It is so hard to try and do something when people blatantly just don't care.

I mean, first of all, I am autistic, not a psychopath. I don't go around murdering people, stalking and raping women, planning and conniving my way to the top of any situation, and working people out of positions and ruining their lives for my own benefit. Yet, I might as well because people have no trouble treating any one with mental illness/conditions this way.

I guess I am just frustrated at the whole lot. Normal people expect me to learn their world and play their game if I want to survive or get anywhere. It's no easy feat. Half the time I have no idea what I'm doing. Yet, no matter what they say, they don't care one tiny bit about understanding people like me or just showing a little bit of comprehension and compassion. They demand compassion, empathy and understanding from me, and I promise I would have no problem giving it, if only I KNEW HOW. But, for them, ignorance is bliss. If I even want to have a semi-normal existence, I have to spend 90% of my time and mental effort examining, understanding and applying their rules of the game - and frequently I still get it wrong, for which I accept full responsibility - no problem there. But for them, they don't even care if autism isn't the same as psychopathy for example, it's all the same to them. Just avoid anyone with mental issues, they're all nuts and dangerous. I really don't appreciate being labelled a would-be criminal when all I'm trying to do is my best to try and interact with them.

But, I mean, let's kill all the sharks in the sea, all the snakes on land, right? They're all dangerous so they all kill humans, right? Sure, a couple of crazy professors on TV tell us some sharks are safe and some snakes are non-venomous, but, I'm not taking any chances. If there are no sharks or snakes, nobody can die - seems logical enough. Avoid the guy with autism, because I'm taking no chances, they all belong in an institution along with the other nut-jobs and serial killers and stuff. I don't know what autistic people are capable of, so to be on the safe side, just avoid him.

I'm constantly just having pre-emptive strikes dealt to me, without just cause. Then people wonder why I withdraw or avoid others. I just don't want to be hurt anymore.

Originally Posted by kim_johnson

The environment / the people in your environment makes a huge difference. People on the higher functioning end of the Autistic Spectrum don't seem to have a great deal of trouble communicating with / relating to other people on the Autistic Spectrum. It isn't that people on the Autistic Spectrum lack empathy - it is that they are differently empathetic. It wasn't that you didn't send out signals... It was that the people around you didn't know how to read them.

What I'm trying to say... Is that there isn't anything wrong with you. But you are different from most people, and that makes it hard, sometimes.

You can learn (painstakingly) to improve the quality of your relationships with people who simply don't get you... I think it is worth doing this, to a certain extent. But I also think that it is important to seek out people who are more like yourself. People who you can relax around instead of needing to devote vast resources to translating their words / behaviour which is... Exhausting. Is there some kind of in person support group you can access?

One thing that has perhaps been a bit difficult for me to come to terms with is that my intimacy requirements are different from most people. I feel comfortable with people being at arms length. I don't need to interact with people every day. Most other people are different from this. I have had to come to terms with things like... How the person who I think of as my very best friend in the whole wide world... Can be someone who I only talk to every few months. I realized pretty quick that a proper relationship / marriage would be off the cards for me. I don't need to see people every day. Maybe I could get married... If we lived in separate houses. Perhaps spent half a year (or more) of each year apart... I feel sad about this, sometimes.. But it has been a process of accepting myself and what I need and what it is that is good for me.

Up until the age of 21/22 I would have wholeheartedly agreed with you on the intimacy issue, I felt the same way, I was not planning to marry or anything probably ever in my life, I felt no attraction to such a thing at all.

Until I was 22, and I experienced love for the first time. Just because I'm autistic, didn't exempt me from feeling such a thing as love too, just like everyone else does. And, it wasn't a shallow thing, I felt it extremely strongly. It has taken me a full 3 years to finally get over that person.

There's a misconception that people like me feel nothing. Only because we show nothing? How many times in the history of our world have we learned - just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it's not there. I mean, that's even the basis of most religions in the world. It's not like you can see gods or God, but they/He are/is there. Electricity is real, radio waves are real, UV-light and X-rays are real things. My feelings are also real, they exist. In fact, nobody will ever be able to measure this, but I'm almost willing to put money on it that people with autism feel more strongly than normal people do. If you simply look at how everyday things can impact autistic people as opposed to normal people, I would say this is not such a far-fetched theory at all.

[Anonymous37919]

I hear you, man. It sucks being single. I'm so sick of being alone. I reckon I'm never gonna get popular. Neurotypical people just aren't really all that interested in us.

In fact, you should read my blog.

Peter A's World of Ranting

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Thank you for your positive words kaliope! I'm sorry that you have mental issues as you have mentioned here, many hugs

Yeah, I mean, of course, one can never generalize, it is generalization that has put me in the boat I'm in after all anyway.

But, I see more and more of this "standard" response with people. It is so hard to try and do something when people blatantly just don't care.

I mean, first of all, I am autistic, not a psychopath. I don't go around murdering people, stalking and raping women, planning and conniving my way to the top of any situation, and working people out of positions and ruining their lives for my own benefit. Yet, I might as well because people have no trouble treating any one with mental illness/conditions this way.

I guess I am just frustrated at the whole lot. Normal people expect me to learn their world and play their game if I want to survive or get anywhere. It's no easy feat. Half the time I have no idea what I'm doing. Yet, no matter what they say, they don't care one tiny bit about understanding people like me or just showing a little bit of comprehension and compassion. They demand compassion, empathy and understanding from me, and I promise I would have no problem giving it, if only I KNEW HOW. But, for them, ignorance is bliss. If I even want to have a semi-normal existence, I have to spend 90% of my time and mental effort examining, understanding and applying their rules of the game - and frequently I still get it wrong, for which I accept full responsibility - no problem there. But for them, they don't even care if autism isn't the same as psychopathy for example, it's all the same to them. Just avoid anyone with mental issues, they're all nuts and dangerous. I really don't appreciate being labelled a would-be criminal when all I'm trying to do is my best to try and interact with them.

But, I mean, let's kill all the sharks in the sea, all the snakes on land, right? They're all dangerous so they all kill humans, right? Sure, a couple of crazy professors on TV tell us some sharks are safe and some snakes are non-venomous, but, I'm not taking any chances. If there are no sharks or snakes, nobody can die - seems logical enough. Avoid the guy with autism, because I'm taking no chances, they all belong in an institution along with the other nut-jobs and serial killers and stuff. I don't know what autistic people are capable of, so to be on the safe side, just avoid him.

I'm constantly just having pre-emptive strikes dealt to me, without just cause. Then people wonder why I withdraw or avoid others. I just don't want to be hurt anymore.

Remember all that we've talked about. Be true to yourself and what You believe. Take no thought in how the world sees you, because now you know who you truly are. Nothing is impossible to those who believe. What others think is their own cross to bear. Don't let it become your burden. You are free to live your life. People are always going to talk about or label other people. Not much we can do about that. But it's not what people call you, it's what you ANSWER to that matters. Those who judge you are already beneath you and their words should fall on deaf ears! You must not let the opinions of others dig another pit for you! You've come too far to turn back now. ♡♡

[avlady]

It seems like you don't want to be labelled with some type of pshycopathological type diagnosis. don't worry about a lable, they are basically used to give people help through meds to stop your symptoms. I rebelled against my diagnosis of schitzophrenic for years. im 54 now, and have a doc and t which i rely on for mental issues. There are great people who have similiar diagnosis, no one has to know but you. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, maybe just a condition. I see now that people were trying to help me and i wouldn't accept their help because i thought they were calling me a pshyco, but now i accept their help and it has helped 100 fold. my mom said she is glad to have me back.

Originally Posted by avlady

It seems like you don't want to be labelled with some type of pshycopathological type diagnosis. don't worry about a lable, they are basically used to give people help through meds to stop your symptoms. I rebelled against my diagnosis of schitzophrenic for years. im 54 now, and have a doc and t which i rely on for mental issues. There are great people who have similiar diagnosis, no one has to know but you. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, maybe just a condition. I see now that people were trying to help me and i wouldn't accept their help because i thought they were calling me a pshyco, but now i accept their help and it has helped 100 fold. my mom said she is glad to have me back.

Thanks, yes, you're right. Maybe I should have titled my thread "Normal people don't care about the details." But, yes, OK, I have accepted my condition, the thing that just gets me is how people who are "normal" just say "Ah, whatever, autism, psychopathy, what's the difference? All those people are nuts and belong in a nut-house." And, that's literally the vibe I get from people. One just wishes they had a bit more finesse and a bit more understanding. You don't use a sledgehammer for knocking in small nails or when using thumb-tacs/drawing pins. It's that mentality of "ALL snakes should be killed because SOME are venomous." Maybe it's the age-group of people (younger folk, perhaps more ignorant), but, I truly have experienced this to be the viewpoint of all those not suffering with mental health issues where I come from. I try to be as understanding and accommodating as I can, but I don't like being accused of or labelled as something I am not. It's all well and good to say "well, screw their opinions", but, as I've mentioned once before, the normal people hold all the cards. If I don't play their game - I don't get ANYTHING right, I'm OUT, TOTALLY OUT. They have no problem cutting a guy like me out of the fray. They don't need me, I need them. That is and always will be the plight of the autist. They created the world as it is, and they rule it. I have to fit in with their expectations, otherwise I might as well go crawl under a rock and never come out again. And that's hard, when you don't have a clue what you're doing and somehow you HAVE to make it all work.

Our cases are actually rather different. In your case, the people actually cared and were supportive (tried to help). Here where I am, people go out of their way to avoid me, and when I do get their attention, my shortcomings and faults are always thrown in my face. It's almost like that type of ignorance-consequent-discrimination type of thing that happened in the 70's or 80's in the USA, before people understood mental illnesses, those years when people were just "crazy" or "normal" and people like me who spent more time on their own doing things in their room were "weird" because they don't seem to want to socialize with the others. People here are extremely ignorant. I don't even want to go into the stupid assumptions people made about me for just being smart in school for example. As a small taster, imaging trying to talk to a group of peers your own age, and they all, with a glimmer of mockery in their eyes ask you "what are you studying?" and someone shouts from the back "probably rocket science" and keep chirping in from behind not allowing you to answer. I am a big guy in stature, and on many occasions I had to maintain my composure because I felt like picking that loud-mouth up by the neck, hoisting him up against a wall, and then shoving my boot down his throat to shut him up. But, I was always someone who kept my cool and I knew violence was not the answer.

I think I am slightly misunderstood here. I'm not rebelling against MY label, which is "autism", that I accept because it kind of almost works for me - it helped me process a lot of things and understand a lot of things, and I never have a problem accepting something wholeheartedly if it's the truth. But, what I do have a problem with is people trying to stick superfluous labels onto me to make things easier for themselves. That doesn't work for me. And, it's all because they just can't figure me out easily like they do other people, and so to save themselves the trouble, they say just stick a label on me, any label, so it gives them a good enough reason not to bother. That really doesn't cut it for me. If there is one thing I can't stand, and maybe it's because I'm an extremely analytical/scientific person, are people who "shape" data or ignore some data in order to fit their interpretations. You can't throw away evidence simply because it doesn't fit your theory, and you can't make up evidence to prove your theory either. That doesn't work for me, never has, never will.

And, I know, people say, well just screw them, screw their opinions. It's not so easy. The misinterpretation of evidence has sent innocent people to jail already, hell, even to the electric chair. It's a dangerous game that can ruin lives, it's not something you can just forget about. Yes, I can be as forgiving and as understanding as I want, but there are some things in my life for example, that I know have changed irreversibly. Those scars I will bear forever, no matter how happy or successful I ever become again. Those stripes are something I will have to carry with me for the rest of my life.

Furthermore, I am a 0.3% minority in the human race. Taking a stand only makes you isolate yourself. I've tried that. If you take a stand, they are so thick-skinned, they don't even notice it. They just think you're being full of BS, or they just wonder what got into you, and relegate you to more "crazy". You make it worse. If I get bold, they cut me out, as simple as that. They are at a 99.7% advantage, they sure as hell don't need me and my stands I'm trying to take for myself, they just show me the door and say "Hey, if you don't like it, there's the door!" What am I going to do, stay isolated and alone for the rest of my life? No person is an island, trust me, I've tried that.

[avlady]

i'm so sorry if i got you upset. yes it is all true what you know to live with autism, i feel for you, it must be hard. i don't know what to even say about what could be called your enemies, those who make fun of you, or treat you bad. there is no excuse to teat people bad, they are just arrogant and ignorant. i really don't even know what to say, i hope people will learn, we all here especially have to bear the stripes of being different and it is like a stripe we will carry out our whole lives.I myself have learned over many years that i can not help myself without the help of others and i do worry these people will be gone someday. well i hope you can do what you like without the critizism from jerks like the ones you came across. good luck!!

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Thanks, yes, you're right. Maybe I should have titled my thread "Normal people don't care about the details." But, yes, OK, I have accepted my condition, the thing that just gets me is how people who are "normal" just say "Ah, whatever, autism, psychopathy, what's the difference? All those people are nuts and belong in a nut-house." And, that's literally the vibe I get from people. One just wishes they had a bit more finesse and a bit more understanding. You don't use a sledgehammer for knocking in small nails or when using thumb-tacs/drawing pins. It's that mentality of "ALL snakes should be killed because SOME are venomous." Maybe it's the age-group of people (younger folk, perhaps more ignorant), but, I truly have experienced this to be the viewpoint of all those not suffering with mental health issues where I come from. I try to be as understanding and accommodating as I can, but I don't like being accused of or labelled as something I am not. It's all well and good to say "well, screw their opinions", but, as I've mentioned once before, the normal people hold all the cards. If I don't play their game - I don't get ANYTHING right, I'm OUT, TOTALLY OUT. They have no problem cutting a guy like me out of the fray. They don't need me, I need them. That is and always will be the plight of the autist. They created the world as it is, and they rule it. I have to fit in with their expectations, otherwise I might as well go crawl under a rock and never come out again. And that's hard, when you don't have a clue what you're doing and somehow you HAVE to make it all work.

Our cases are actually rather different. In your case, the people actually cared and were supportive (tried to help). Here where I am, people go out of their way to avoid me, and when I do get their attention, my shortcomings and faults are always thrown in my face. It's almost like that type of ignorance-consequent-discrimination type of thing that happened in the 70's or 80's in the USA, before people understood mental illnesses, those years when people were just "crazy" or "normal" and people like me who spent more time on their own doing things in their room were "weird" because they don't seem to want to socialize with the others. People here are extremely ignorant. I don't even want to go into the stupid assumptions people made about me for just being smart in school for example. As a small taster, imaging trying to talk to a group of peers your own age, and they all, with a glimmer of mockery in their eyes ask you "what are you studying?" and someone shouts from the back "probably rocket science" and keep chirping in from behind not allowing you to answer. I am a big guy in stature, and on many occasions I had to maintain my composure because I felt like picking that loud-mouth up by the neck, hoisting him up against a wall, and then shoving my boot down his throat to shut him up. But, I was always someone who kept my cool and I knew violence was not the answer.

I think I am slightly misunderstood here. I'm not rebelling against MY label, which is "autism", that I accept because it kind of almost works for me - it helped me process a lot of things and understand a lot of things, and I never have a problem accepting something wholeheartedly if it's the truth. But, what I do have a problem with is people trying to stick superfluous labels onto me to make things easier for themselves. That doesn't work for me. And, it's all because they just can't figure me out easily like they do other people, and so to save themselves the trouble, they say just stick a label on me, any label, so it gives them a good enough reason not to bother. That really doesn't cut it for me. If there is one thing I can't stand, and maybe it's because I'm an extremely analytical/scientific person, are people who "shape" data or ignore some data in order to fit their interpretations. You can't throw away evidence simply because it doesn't fit your theory, and you can't make up evidence to prove your theory either. That doesn't work for me, never has, never will.

And, I know, people say, well just screw them, screw their opinions. It's not so easy. The misinterpretation of evidence has sent innocent people to jail already, hell, even to the electric chair. It's a dangerous game that can ruin lives, it's not something you can just forget about. Yes, I can be as forgiving and as understanding as I want, but there are some things in my life for example, that I know have changed irreversibly. Those scars I will bear forever, no matter how happy or successful I ever become again. Those stripes are something I will have to carry with me for the rest of my life.

Furthermore, I am a 0.3% minority in the human race. Taking a stand only makes you isolate yourself. I've tried that. If you take a stand, they are so thick-skinned, they don't even notice it. They just think you're being full of BS, or they just wonder what got into you, and relegate you to more "crazy". You make it worse. If I get bold, they cut me out, as simple as that. They are at a 99.7% advantage, they sure as hell don't need me and my stands I'm trying to take for myself, they just show me the door and say "Hey, if you don't like it, there's the door!" What am I going to do, stay isolated and alone for the rest of my life? No person is an island, trust me, I've tried that.

You have some very good points, and what you're saying makes sense. (As you know) my son has aspergers, so I myself don't really belong on this forum, but I'm trying to both learn how to understand what my son goes through with this, AND I am trying to find ways to raise awareness to my own community so that our teachers will begin to be better equipped as to how reach and teach children like him. The point I'm getting at is maybe, just MAYBE instead of just making a stand for yourself, you could one day be a voice for Many like yourself. Even from your room, on your computer, you could write a book about it. Who knows, it could be a best seller! You're very good at expressing yourself through writing! You could write about anything! Or you could be a public speaker, or an artist. You have gifts and talents that norms don't and truth be told are probably jealous of, so they put others down to make themselves feel superior. But they don't have the power to limit your potential. Only you can do that. Or hey!.... Maybe you could teach Science to autistic children! You could be born to greatness and not even realize your purpose. Just because our lives don't always work out the way we planned, doesn't mean there's not a plan for our lives!

Originally Posted by avlady

i'm so sorry if i got you upset. yes it is all true what you know to live with autism, i feel for you, it must be hard. i don't know what to even say about what could be called your enemies, those who make fun of you, or treat you bad. there is no excuse to teat people bad, they are just arrogant and ignorant. i really don't even know what to say, i hope people will learn, we all here especially have to bear the stripes of being different and it is like a stripe we will carry out our whole lives.I myself have learned over many years that i can not help myself without the help of others and i do worry these people will be gone someday. well i hope you can do what you like without the critizism from jerks like the ones you came across. good luck!!

No, not at all! I liked your comment. No upset created at all. I'm glad you DO have someone/people who can stand with you when you need someone, as I would imagine it truly helps, like you say.

I do have some people now who understand me after I explained what I am all about, and it has made a world of difference to me and them. They no longer see me in the negative light that they did and I no longer have to "disprove" my alleged malicious intent. The only thing is, that is two people out of thousands, and they are in such a position, that they are not my friends as such, more my "superiors" at my university to whom I finally divulged all this information. I mean we are close, but I can't "hang out" with them for example, to put it bluntly.

I think that is what I miss the most. I am a functioning, emotional and loving person under this perceived thick exterior slab of cold, callous and indifferent stone, and I also wish I could just "hang out" with other young people for the fun of it, like they do, enjoying the company of friendship and the joys of youth. I feel like an inmate in a one-cell prison, guarded by an evil warder who twists every message I try to send to the outside world and spitefully bins any messages being sent to me from them. That's about the best way I can describe it.

Thanks for your kind words. I think I just wanted people to maybe be more inquisitive and ask something about me for once, ask me stuff, probe into my life, I really don't mind. A lonely guy like me would only welcome that. I would be totally OK with that, it's so much better than them just assuming I must be sadistic and cold or something, and then continuing to ignore me. It's people's faith in me that has always moved me. My one closest friend was not the one who did stuff for me, but was the one who just came up to me, spoke to me like I'm just a normal guy, and never made a fuss of trying to hard to "not awaken the sleeping lion". Everyone else assumed I will react like some kind of monster and bite their head off if they even dared it to come near me. When people show that little faith, how do they then expect me to show them the true me? To love me is truly to know me.

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

You have some very good points, and what you're saying makes sense. (As you know) my son has aspergers, so I myself don't really belong on this forum, but I'm trying to both learn how to understand what my son goes through with this, AND I am trying to find ways to raise awareness to my own community so that our teachers will begin to be better equipped as to how reach and teach children like him. The point I'm getting at is maybe, just MAYBE instead of just making a stand for yourself, you could one day be a voice for Many like yourself. Even from your room, on your computer, you could write a book about it. Who knows, it could be a best seller! You're very good at expressing yourself through writing! You could write about anything! Or you could be a public speaker, or an artist. You have gifts and talents that norms don't and truth be told are probably jealous of, so they put others down to make themselves feel superior. But they don't have the power to limit your potential. Only you can do that. Or hey!.... Maybe you could teach Science to autistic children! You could be born to greatness and not even realize your purpose. Just because our lives don't always work out the way we planned, doesn't mean there's not a plan for our lives!

Thanks so much! To be honest, I have actually considered it already. I've just got this damn PhD I have to finish first.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Thanks so much! To be honest, I have actually considered it already. I've just got this damn PhD I have to finish first.

I know. Just don't for a minute think that there's not a place for you and others like you in this world.

[Anonymous37919]

Two wankers came and arrested me a few nights ago, mate. All I was doing was yet again apologizing to Sara and Joanna on Facebook. They used to be my support workers with Autism Initiatives until I lost them and got lied to by this Andrew fellow, who (at the time) was a senior member of staff. Hell, I even linked them to a whole ton of posts such as those here on these forums and the entries on my blog, to show how much losing them as my aides has impacted my health. But they clearly do not care man. Nobody does. They just think I wanted to scare them, when it is far from true.

I ran off for much of that day, walking along riverside pathways, *KNOWING* the scummy fuzz would come and get me if I went home. They came after 8:30 PM to detain me to be questioned, because I went back to the house for a much needed rest and surprise, surprise - the pigs came not long after I was in bed.

They were provoking me to have an outburst at the cop shop and even before the interview process, I was kicking off because of how anxious I am about no working with the two aforementioned ladies. The police know how emotional I am about the women, so when I blurt out comments, it all gets logged and used in a prosecution process. The police are not your sympathetic shrinks. They are douche bags.

The two pigs that interviewed me were arrogant, so I even called them pigs. Too right as well. They think they are so clever. Well, they are not. They are pricks.

I have been charged 7 bloody times now, just over losing those two women. It is sad and they are never, ever gonna be my care workers ever again. But do they care?

N-O. No.

[Sinking Feeling]

Where are these "normal" people? I have not met one yet. Oh there are plenty with no labels, but none are normal.

[Anonymous37919]

Oh, I think he means neurotypical by what autistic people label as normal terms.

Originally Posted by Peter A

Two wankers came and arrested me a few nights ago, mate. All I was doing was yet again apologizing to Sara and Joanna on Facebook. They used to be my support workers with Autism Initiatives until I lost them and got lied to by this Andrew fellow, who (at the time) was a senior member of staff. Hell, I even linked them to a whole ton of posts such as those here on these forums and the entries on my blog, to show how much losing them as my aides has impacted my health. But they clearly do not care man. Nobody does. They just think I wanted to scare them, when it is far from true.

I ran off for much of that day, walking along riverside pathways, *KNOWING* the scummy fuzz would come and get me if I went home. They came after 8:30 PM to detain me to be questioned, because I went back to the house for a much needed rest and surprise, surprise - the pigs came not long after I was in bed.

They were provoking me to have an outburst at the cop shop and even before the interview process, I was kicking off because of how anxious I am about no working with the two aforementioned ladies. The police know how emotional I am about the women, so when I blurt out comments, it all gets logged and used in a prosecution process. The police are not your sympathetic shrinks. They are douche bags.

The two pigs that interviewed me were arrogant, so I even called them pigs. Too right as well. They think they are so clever. Well, they are not. They are pricks.

I have been charged 7 bloody times now, just over losing those two women. It is sad and they are never, ever gonna be my care workers ever again. But do they care?

N-O. No.

Oh man, I'm so sorry about that. Many hugs. That's exactly the kind of thing I mean, people who don't understand what it's like having this "condition".

You know, your account brings up a good point. I think you know about that girl I was speaking of before, the one I was in love with. I had a similar situation, I also tried to explain to her what was going on with me and that any coldness or rejection from my part was not intentional, it's an unintentional expression error on my part. She proceeded to delete her Facebook account and has either blacklisted me or something because I can't use mine anymore. I was also expecting police to come round my house and arrest me for like stalking or something, or that she was going to take out a restraining order on me or something to that effect. Thank goodness it never happened, because in a South African jail, a first-offender is no more than a piece of fresh meat to play with, they would've killed me in there, for sure.

But, I mean, it just sucks so damn much to be constantly misunderstood and misjudged, and people always fear the worst, so when they do take a pre-emptive strike, it's normally a death-blow.

Originally Posted by Sinking Feeling

Where are these "normal" people? I have not met one yet. Oh there are plenty with no labels, but none are normal.

I just mean the NT people, the socially-gifted, socially-able masses.

[Anonymous37919]

StbGuy, one way you can tell if you've been blocked is if you go to her account page while signed in. If she blocked you previously, it usually displays a 'sorry, this page is not available' notice with a thumbs up logo. So many folk have done that to me, so I know what it is.

But I think we're in the same boat, women-wise. Letting go of those people we cherish ain't easy and we will always pine for their presence again. Nobody said life was easy, but now I feel deeply hurt. I'll never take anything for granted ever again.

Originally Posted by Peter A

StbGuy, one way you can tell if you've been blocked is if you go to her account page while signed in. If she blocked you previously, it usually displays a 'sorry, this page is not available' notice with a thumbs up logo. So many folk have done that to me, so I know what it is.

But I think we're in the same boat, women-wise. Letting go of those people we cherish ain't easy and we will always pine for their presence again. Nobody said life was easy, but now I feel deeply hurt. I'll never take anything for granted ever again.

Ah thanks, yeah I think that's what I got too. Yeah, I can always ask my one friend who's on FB to check if she is still on there.

I'm sorry you hurt so much, I know how the "not taking for granted again" feeling feels, I'm so sorry you had to feel that too in your life. Many hugs buddy.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Oh man, I'm so sorry about that. Many hugs. That's exactly the kind of thing I mean, people who don't understand what it's like having this "condition".

You know, your account brings up a good point. I think you know about that girl I was speaking of before, the one I was in love with. I had a similar situation, I also tried to explain to her what was going on with me and that any coldness or rejection from my part was not intentional, it's an unintentional expression error on my part. She proceeded to delete her Facebook account and has either blacklisted me or something because I can't use mine anymore. I was also expecting police to come round my house and arrest me for like stalking or something, or that she was going to take out a restraining order on me or something to that effect. Thank goodness it never happened, because in a South African jail, a first-offender is no more than a piece of fresh meat to play with, they would've killed me in there, for sure.

But, I mean, it just sucks so damn much to be constantly misunderstood and misjudged, and people always fear the worst, so when they do take a pre-emptive strike, it's normally a death-blow.

In my case, being bipolar, I've actually been "football tackled" to restrain me during manic episodes for fear of what I might do, which actually makes me more likely to become voilent than if people would just leave me alone to begin with.

[muffinhead]

I get what you're saying. There was someone who loved me a while back, and I was too damn cold to reciprocate it. Now I realize what I have lost and feel absolutely horrible. I just hope to learn from that mistake and MAYBE do something different if such a chance ever occurs for me again.

Originally Posted by muffinhead

I get what you're saying. There was someone who loved me a while back, and I was too damn cold to reciprocate it. Now I realize what I have lost and feel absolutely horrible. I just hope to learn from that mistake and MAYBE do something different if such a chance ever occurs for me again.

Aah, I'm so sorry that had to happen to you too, oh, I so know how you feel, it hurts sooo much, and the best advice people can give is "don't cry over spilt milk, try to get over it", like that's going to help the feeling go away. Many hugs

What you describe is what happened in my case. I only recently worked out that the girl I was speaking of did like me initially, all the signs were there, but of course, I saw nothing. I obviously then came off as rude and rejecting, she took it to heart, and has of course made the decision long ago to cut me, a rude asshole, out of her life, so my pleas to be friends again just fell on deaf, and offended, disgusted and proud ears. I worked out she had a life of rejection too for some reason, and I think she was quite damaged herself, so my apparent rejection probably had quite an effect on her, up to the point of hatred and vengefulness I suppose. I don't know.

I hope things can improve for you, and so much faster than it took for me.

[Anonymous37919]

I just wish there was more in the way of dating sites for men and women on the spectrum. One thing I know I find impossible to find in my town is a girlfriend, so I often just use sex workers which obviously provides relief, but is still a made up bond as the money side of it matters more than the relation. A lot of websites like Tagged allow you to chat, but I am unsure of how to view their profiles. There was only like one autism site I found, but there weren't any members on it from my city.