Alone and depressed.

Though I get medication for Depression, my real problem is that I am socially avoidant. That is why I am depressed.

Going to work was pretty much my source of contact with people. Since losing my job last summer, I have been in and out of severe depression. At work, I kind of knew what to do around people. Outside of work, I flounder around and do not have success making friends.

My significant other is away for 3 weeks. I was fine for about 4 days after he left. Then, since a few days ago, I am not okay at all. This is the first time I've been completely alone since losing my job. For 3 days now, I have been in bad shape. I am awfully depressed.

I'm in a similar situation though I left my job to go back to school (school starts full time in the fall). I wanted to take some time for "me." I knew the potential for this to destroy me as I am single, live alone and have all but abandoned all of my friends. It's tough for me when I've done all I need to do (chores, errands and such) and I get completely lost not knowing what to do with myself. I am not avoidant per se, but have no real desire to "entertain" people and act fake and happy all the time. I'm Borderline which makes relationships difficult as well. I just want to say that I understand and if you ever are bored, lost or are a total wreck, shoot me an email or something. I think my info's available. If nothing else, we can chat about the freakin' grass or something! LOL

It sounds like you don't see school as a venue where you will be very interactive. I know how that can be. People say that "taking classes" is a great way to meet others. I never found it to be that, other than just superficial. An exception to that did exist. When I went to nursing school (a 2 year program) I did make friends. Unlike regular college, nursing school was like boot camp. We were all subjected to abuse like students in other areas wouldn't imagine. That made the experience extremely "bonding." Nothing unites like a common enemy. I don't know if other vocational training programs are like that. General courses, though, aren't.

Still, I envy you going back to school. Also, I think it shows a lot of character to be willing to accept the diagnosis that you were given. I've tried to talk my pdocs into giving me a diagnosis of Mixed Personality Disorder, but they just focus on the depression. I am socially avoidant, but I can fake being socially appropriate so good that I think it confuses people. I know what you mean about having no desire to "entertain" people. I can be very nurturing, but I don't have much desire to do that unless I'm being paid for it. I know that sounds cold, and it kind of is. Maybe I am alone because I deserve to be. Deep down that's what I think. Connection involves compromises that I don't want to make.

I don't think I was fair to myself in the entry above. I started this thread looking for support, and I can see I am already talking myself out of getting any.

I actually am a pretty nice person, or so I've been told often enough. That tends to lead to me getting drained by the attachments I make.

I am under-experienced socially, and can be very avoidant out of fear of not knowing what to say. Spontaneity doesn't come naturally to me. Also, sometimes I can be overly blunt and then very remorseful afterwords. When I was working, I did very well meeting the needs of people I took care of. It's weird that I was effective with people on the job and lost otherwise.

At any rate, I am extremely alone at present and it is horribly demoralizing. I do like people. But, I am afraid to approach them. Friends I made in the past have gotten separated from me by time and geography.

I relocated from where I grew up to a distant part of the country. Over time, that causes massive deterioration in family connection. I would have said it happened just because of faults I have, but I have seen it happen to a lot of people who move.

When I've asked family to please not forget about me, they say "Well, you're the one who moved." I never knew I was going to get this cut off. It's horrible.

Hi Rose,

I'll talk about me fist so that I can end with you. I don't necessarily have a problem in social situations or meeting people ... IF and WHEN I want to. I am easy to talk to, funny, sarcastic, enjoyable. I am capable of saying those things because I believe them to be true. However, I am none of those things when I don't want to be (i.e. when I'm depressed). I am in a master's program and have huge potential to meet like-minded people who believe in and care about many of the same things I do. However, I found myself in class retreating, folding into myself and adopting an "I don't NEED anyone else"` attitude. And while I realize that I CAN function with no one but myself, it's also quite miserable. I guess the issue I have with social situations and friends is, at this point in my life, I feel like I am in the relationship FOR them. I'm not getting anything out of the relationship. I find myself with absolutely NO desire to hang out with, chill with, have coffee/dinner with ANYONE when I feel depressed. Being with and dealing with people who want something from me (emotion/feeling/companionship/relationship) is almost more than I can can handle. I feel completely fake and that I am in their company for their benefit and for the sacrifice of mine.

Okay, so on to you ... the following is based on my own insight and experience as I have nothing else to offer. I wonder if you feel socially avoidant because you're actually depressed. When I don't feel like smiling, it can be difficult, and quite annoying, to try and convince others that everything is just peachy. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you aren't scared or anxious about being social or meeting new people, it's the "front" that you have to put up to avoid the never-ending questions of "what's wrong with you?" that drives your desire to be alone. Feel free to tell me I'm full of S***, but I think I understand where you're at. I understand that you don't want to "entertain" people and I don't think you should do anything you don't WANT to do. But, take a second of your time to sit back and think ... would any of the social interactions that you avoid ACTUALLY be of benefit to you and your mental state?

Lemme know...

I've had a lot of high and low points in life socially so I can relate to how you feel. Social situations actually feel very draining to me, but I still wish I was able to go out with a group of friends and enjoy life. I get depressed because I am lonely, but stressed when I try to cure that loneliness. School can be a good source to meeting new people, but it can still be hard to form a bond. School has always been an uplifting experience to me because even if I am not forming friendships, I am at least improving my life and knowledge. Don't let this period in your life get you down. Think of it as a stepping stone and take these moments to reflect on what you want to work on to improve yourself and what steps it is going to take to get there. And remember to be patient because some things can be a life long struggle, but if you try there is always the possibility that things can get better. You have to hold onto that hope!

Some people shine best when they are in a giving situation. When in a job that pertails to dealing with others and you are the one that knows the correct infomation and are performing a service, there is not much need for a pretend type of attitude.

If for some reason you lose that comfort zone by losing the job or being rejected somehow it can be devestating. Many of the people who have lost jobs in this economy really struggle as their job gave them the comfort zone of self worth they needed. There can then be feelings of anger and self doubt and even bring on low self esteem which can lend to the inability to even desire to be around others. And much of this runs in an unconscious level and can escalate into anxiety and depression. As we get older those feelings of taking charge and being outgoing can often fade as we do not have the luxury of years ahead of us as we once had.

We call it midlife crises as we finally get to a point where we see the time for achieving our dreams has grown short and our youth is behind us. Often people work longer because they don't really know what else to do, it was always what their life was about. Even empty nesters can go through an awkward time period as they spent so much time living around their children they actually forgot how to live for themselves.

I know it sounds strange but often we never really learn to just live for ourselves and in that we can become lonely as we didn't invest as much as we thought in ourselves. And sometimes people can feel they are unworthy because they never got to make a big statment in life. But no one says you have to make that big statment. Going out and taking courses or classes are not about meeting others, it is more about meeting yourself.

This is something to really think about. I think about it too. Not everyone is born to be a socialite, you don't have to be one, don't have to be popular, but you do need to challenge yourself and that could mean looking for something to learn that YOU enjoy and get something out of. One can be very good in a professional control situation, they have the answers as stated above, but that is not the same as just free socializing. And we often don't like to do something we never really learned how to master, unknowingly.

Open Eyes

That's some really great feedback above. It means a lot to me that members actually cared enough to think about my situation.

To Defeated: I was in a graduate program at one time. Just like you, I was thinking I would meet like-minded people, but to be honest I didn't. After a year, I quit. I had a lot of problems, at the time. And, yes, I've had people, over the years, ask me "What's wrong?" when I didn't know I was projecting that. But I must have been, because they saw it. I mean total strangers on the campus, walking past me and stopping me to say "Are you alright?" I think I hide it better now. But, actually, I feel worse.

To OurLady: I wish to God I had patience with long struggles. There's been too many of them and I'm all struggled out, at the moment. But what you say is true.

To Openeyes: You are always very perceptive and it is appreciated. I will have to read these replies over and think on them. I don't expect that I will ever be a Socialite. But I am living like an eccentric recluse. I mean, honestly, the neighbors are beginning to talk. It feels humiliating just to go out for the mail. I live in a small apartment complex. Our mailboxes are altogether in one place. I slip out after midnight so as to avoid everyone. I'm getting whacky.

I get that! Either the neighbors are commenting to me in the elevator, Where have you been, I haven't SEEN you in a long time! (I've been in my apartment, if you were really that interested, you would have knocked or slipped a note under my door, so why don't you just shut up?) Or else I'm in the lobby talking to the divorced doctor who lives in the "penthouse suite" (I should say the rooster in this henhouse) and they're standing there with their eyes popping and jaws dropped.

So any special plans while the "cat" (H) is away? They showed the movie Little Miss Sunshine on canadian tv tonight, I never saw it before, I enjoyed it.

I actually went out and filled up my bird feeders today. I put up a clean hummingbird feeder with fresh home-made nectar. Now I can see birdies from by bed. Also, I can see them real good when I'm washing dishes at the sink, WHICH I ACTUALLY DID TODAY.

As "OurLadysTears" encouraged, I will try to hang onto the bit of hope that flickered in me today. I really will try.

I even talked to a neighbor (and his dogs) who lives in his own house next to my apartment complex. He's very shy, as am I. It took about a year for us to say "Hello." He doesn't know how grateful I am to him, but he was thanking me for chatting with him. So that's a big start to my day. I better build on it, while the wind is at my back thanks to these good things happening. May it please not get too oppressively hot today.

On and off, I've been hearing my heart beat in my left ear - quite a lot of the time. Next week I see a doctor about it. From what I've "googled" there is not a lot to be done about that. It's not distressing, just kind of weird.

Yesterday, I started taking my PRN anxiety medication, which I had not bothered with for months. Maybe, I'll stick with that again today. I don't like to get used to Benzos, because of the withdrawal when I stop. First you take them for anxiety, and then you end up taking them just to avoid the stress of stopping them. That's been my experience, anyway.

So today, I'm less deptessed AND I even went outside and talked to someone. I better do something else positive before the glow wears off.

Thanks Everyone. I re-read all the messages above again today, and I think about them, and I know that I must use the truths that I find there.

I managed to go outside today and fill up my seed bird feeders, and put up fresh nectar for the hummingbirds. I cleaned and put fresh water in the bird bath. While out there, a neighbor from a house next to my complex initiated conversation with me. He has dogs in his yard who like me. (I sneak them the occasional healthy treat.) He even thanked me for chatting with him. Little did he know that I am the grateful one. Just doing these things this morning was a huge improvement over how I have been. I am so thankful that I feel better than I did, which was really awful.

Congrats! Sounds like you've got a little wind in your sails! It always does wonders for me when I am able to be productive. Just makes me feel a little accomplished or something. Anyway, thanks for the update!

Defeated, Thanks so much for checking my newest post. I feel improved and it's really nice for someone to be glad for me. I better "make hay while the suns shines." Like - I was going to go to a gym and exercise. But, I might have some more important things to do first. (Yeah, isn't that the conventional excuse.)

I hope something goes successfully for you today.

WOW. I feel so much better than a week ago. I was alone without my significant other and thought I couldn't manage. Guess, I just needed some experience being alone to learn to do it. I am managing just fine. He comes back tomorrow. I feel so much less needy now. I was getting so clingy. I CAN be on my own and cope!