No life, no interest to have one?

So after a lot of time spent to figure out where the best place to ask might be, I'm still not sure if this is the right place. Just from the description I'd expect everyone here to be totally withdrawn from "reallife", but that doesn't seem to be the case at all, I checked every thread that sounded like it could be what I was looking for.

But I'll try anyway, I'm currently actively looking for anyone who might be a bit similar to me, and I think for that to be the case, I need to find someone who like me basically has no life and also has no interest in it.
And at least for a very long time didn't have any interest either, because I'm serious about this, no life allowed. Not even work, school is fine because even I had to crawl trough that, even if it almost killed me.
I'm looking for a real friend, online, who like me also will never have anyone important outside of the internet either and generally doesn't know a lot of people....and doesn't want to know hundreds of people either.

I actually never wanted to use forums, but I felt like I had to at least try something about my feelings, so here I am. Chances are someone might come across this at some point in time, and it's unlikely I reach my goal, yet I probably will keep living for a good while too... so can't hurt to put this out here.

Sorry for being nosy but may I ask why you don't want to have a life? And if you're not interested in anything at all.... why are you looking for a friend? Isn't that a part of "a life" as well? Or do you only see knowing hundreds of people as having a life?

I think people on the avoidant forum are pretty withdrawn from life, as you call it, but that's not always by choice. One of the main traits of avoidants is that we do want to connect to people but can't .

Have you had a look at the Schizoid personality disorder forum?

The part about no interest was about "reallife" only. Trying to fit into society, wanting to live like everyone else,...
The thing with me is, I dislike the world, the way things work, people. It's just not my place at all. People always try to change and bend you, most people aren't very thoughtfull, they're naive, easily influenced, or manipulative, lieing, acting, playing with people...and a lot of people don't even realize how things are. I'm not sure what else to say, I don't care about what people do, but I'd rather not get involved with the world more then necessary. I have a lot of "problems" with being around people physical too, which is probably obvious, given that I posted this in this sub forum. There just isn't anything of interest out there.
This world isn't made for me, but I missed my chance to kill myself a lot of years ago, now I don't feel bad enough for it anymore.
I'm fine with online stuff. I'm a human, no one wants to truly be alone forever, no matter what they think or say, that's what I started to believe. Just having someone you can truly connect to, isn't that the most important thing which makes life bearable for everyone (most people?)? And online contact is pretty much the only thing I'm comfortable with.

I've read about people here who have family, children, friends, or maybe just one person.
I think what I mean with having a life is if someone hold on to things like that. I understand it, I understand they have problems too, but I just feel like they're too different then me, who would never be able to have something like a family, or a less extreme example, just a fulfilling friendship outside of the internet, with meeting in person and things like that.

Oh well, lot's of words and I'm not sure if anything I just wrote explained much.
I just don't think I can connect to someone who has a "reallife", knowing they'll get absorbed into it at some point. Someone else had good words for that, most people don't take online contacts too seriously. To me, that's all there is, I'd choose that over people I knew/know outside of the internet.
I do want to connect to someone (not a lot of people at once), just not outside of the internet.
I did consider the schizoid forum for this, but I ended up thinking that it might not be the correct place, since from what I understood, they tend to not want to connect to people, not even online. They aren't shy and have no social anxiety,... things I have... honestly they seem to be more "stable" people. Or maybe people who chose to close their minds about certain things, I don't know.
I did look at the schizoid sub-forum for a good while, but it seems even there are a lot of people with family/children/friends, they seem to be pretty functional with things like work too, if they manage to find one. I don't think most people who truly show schizoid traits would be open to try a friendship with me over the internet. I don't just want a superficial friend, I want to get to know each other and connect. What I saw there just confirmed that belief, either they "have a life", or they don't even want to have online contacts beyond playing games or little things like that.

I might be wrong, I'm not that knowledgeable, some people over there might actually misjudge themselves too, so maybe it's worth a shot, but I don't exactly want to spam these kind of threads everywhere either, it would feel weird, this was already weird enough for now.

Also I don't mind anyone being nosy or questioning anything, so no need to worry about it.

Hi
I have Avoidant Personality Disorder and Social Phobia to a degree that I don't leave the house unlike it's necessary (e. g. because of school) and I perfectly understand what you mean by "having no life". My lifetime record in friends is three at once. All friends I ever found I came to know because I was forced to interact with them for some time span (e. g. seating arrangements made by the teacher). I want to encourage you regarding to not having friends in real life. I had my first real friendship only when I was twelve. Even if it might take longer for you that might be due to the fact that you were unlucky with getting in contact with the right people and being forced to interact with them. The latter one was decisive for me because of my fear of intimacy (=sharing important ideas, feelings, thoughts) which is typical for avoidants. What you say about "not wanting a life" and remorse about not killing yourself sounds pretty conflicted. I know this as well. If you're a strange hermit who has problems showing warm emotions, people tend to be nasty over you or to be unfriendly because they believe you're "lacking interest in them" bc your arrogant/asocial. This makes you feel angry with your social environment and as well with yourself, bc you wonder why you always "**** up" with social situations...
Don't know if you can relate to that...
I'd love to get in contact with you. I understand your wish for friendship and would like to talk to someone in the same situation as me. Meanwhile, I'm German as well, so we could write in German outside this forum.

I sent you a private message, in german, even though we are still in this forum. I'd just feel less comfortable with writing in german the more I get used to using english with you.

That aside, let me know if you can't even reply because you might need more approved posts. I replied a bit late now because I was pretty much done here, but I guess it's a good idea to check back here every now and then. Next time you write anything, I won't take 2 days to notice.
Don't expect much from me though, I tend to not stay in contact with most people.

About your post, I think I already mentioned it in the PM I sent you, I actually am not sure anymore, even though I just sent it.. but I'll say more about it another time. I guess there's no rush.

You will find your way in time.

Hey- I wrote an answer for you in this forum yesterday but for some reason it didn't appear hear until yet. Dunno I guess I clicked the wrong button so it wasn't sent or something. O.o Yes, you're right, I can't send you a PM until I haven't posed something on myself at least five times. So I guess we'll have to wait a little bit until I can write you back. Anyway, I hope this will appear in the forum this time. -.-

Hm, I see.
You might be able to find random threads where you can just say something small without much importance, if you don't mind doing so too much.

If you don't mind me asking here, do you actually have friends outside of the internet at the moment? I'm also curious about your relationship with your family

That is not an option even if I wanted to, I won't be doing anything where I meet people and reallife friends are a bother I can't handle. Not to mention all those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings from being around people

I actually don't mind writing in this forum. I'm pretty afraid of it, yes, but I'd also like to share some of my thoughts, your post made me finally register on this site. I used to read the Avpd forum posts for quite some time now, it makes me feel less alone and incomprehensible.
I do have one close friend at the moment. I know her for five years now. She's understanding and loyal, the latter one being really important for me. Over the years, she has come to know a lot about me, though I don't open up actively because there's so much distrust and anxiety in me. I can't really imagine that someone accepts me the way I am, but there are different degrees of being preoccupied with beliefs of rejection. If I'd have to name a person who doesn't reject me, the first person that would come to my mind is her.
My family is different business. I inwardly turned away from my mother when I was 13. She offends me and tells me I'll never succeed in life in any way. (Which is true, but there's no need to be so cruel to say it, bc I know it.) My brother has always been the idealised one of us two. He's the one my mother calls sympathetic, warmhearted and nice. According to my mother, I should be like my brother, because hes all perfect. Mistakes he made are comprehensible and okay, thereas if I did something wrong, there's no excuse. He actually exploits her sometimes. Also, he never showed any sign of love towards me, even when we were children. He's in line with what my mother says and thinks about me. My father is the only one in the family I have a rather good relationship with. He's the second person that probably doesn't reject me that much. He's very passive in relationships and really has no sense of mutuality regarding to caring about a person, taking response of what you do in and especially with a relationship... This is kind of hard to describe. He's nice with you if you turn to him actively but he always gave me the feeling of being invisible. As if it was nice that I existed, and as if he would love me, but as if he wouldn't necessarily notice if I'd stop existing as well. (I know this sounds contradictory...)
I accept your persuasion of not being able to find friends. I felt like that my whole life, and actually still feel, and in some way I'm always surprised of myself when I realise I did manage it a few times in my life. Also, I could never talk about myself in such an articulated, distinctive way that I do by writing.

Hello
I've been thinking about doing this for a while now. So it has obviously been about three months since my last post.
I'm still in contact with DontWantAName, we write about daily and sometimes even for hours, especially on weekends. It's like really good to have someone to talk to.
So, I just wanted to encourage you. I know it's just so typical of AvpPD to crave human interaction, but to believe that it'll never work out. I'm a prize winning AvPD and I managed to maintain contact with another Avie. It's possible. If I can do it, you can do so as well. The internet is an amazing ressource for people who have problems connecting. So keep searching and don't let yourself being torn down if you have any setbacks with relating to others. You can do it!
So, that's basically everything I wanted to say. Hope it's not to weird.

well .. its hard for me to have close friends; when i start getting close i tend to withdraw to keep from causing any harm or disappointment or expectations... i don't like it because i do want good friends - its just that i cant have close friends... i have tried - fell in love even.. but it all has just caused me to be more withdrawn and afraid of making friends, because i really am more comfortable just by myself.. even though i enjoy being around people sometimes and want to be sometimes, its just when i do - bad things tend to happen... maybe other people wouldnt see them as bad things, but for me im constantly analyzing things and end up having some sort of issue - so not by choice but by demand i am not able to make friends - have only had 1 person that i would say that i truly let close to me and it destroyed my heart so it just made things worse - haven't had any friends for a long time, sure i talk to people from time to time but im a complete actor when it comes to being around people - atleast until i run out of energy to act and am unable to hide those things any longer; in which case i withdraw, if i can, and if i cant, people start pestering me about my "feelings" - like they really care :/ but they cant care - i know

i also have other problems so its not just AvPD ... but im sorry you have a hard time making friends too - because i would like to make friends but part of me refuses to, avoids it, afraid, the other part wont let myself - subconsciously and everything

i find its easier to make Acquaintances ... and you can do that on the computer - through the forums - or video games.. dont have to get too close to them and if things start getting scary you can just disappear - i have practice escapism for some time so i have used video games for a long time - sorry you are struggling with this

wish i knew something better to say to help - but honestly i dont; i hate it

I sure didn't expect any replies after such a long time, I'm glad I still check back every now and then. (Maybe it's time to write another super long message on this forum?)
I know that issue about how bad things just tend to happen because of thinking too much...
Although it might be of different nature to us.
I'm sure that if I re-read what I wrote on this forum a while ago, I would imagine people making fun of me and judging me, or hell, even doing that myself so I don't have to expect someone else to do it... I'm awfully paranoid sometimes. The fact that there is a good reason to be (maybe just thinking that there is), doesn't help much either.
I don't know, I think I just accepted my fate now (for now?), I'll just waste away as I was bound to from the start, maybe help speed up the process if I ever get the chance to do it in a non-scary way and feel too bad, who cares.

Also I honestly can't tell what an acquaintance is... or even a friend, or at which point its a close friend... can you have have more then 1 close friend? Would it make a friend less valuable if you get a second one? That was a bit unrelated I guess.
But for me it's like this, it's easier to deal with people I actually get along with on a basic level. Which for me includes telling them all the bad things about me that come to my mind without thinking too much, if someone still says they don't hate me, it means that either they're lying or that they I didn't tell them enough and I have to talk more to them to prove them that they do indeed hate me once they know me enough... So I don't believe a single person I have ever known to actually like me, but I guess just a pretend-friendship isn't as bad as nothing at all, it's not like I worry about it non-stop when dealing with someone...and I'm not sure if I can say I -truly- like someone or care about them either, so it's all fair I suppose.

...I actually tend to do that myself, I still sometimes don't show myself for some days/weeks. The good thing is that no one seems to care, the bad thing is... that no one seems to care.
About the acting...I try to avoid that as much as I can, it feels awful and I have enough of it. I don't want to live in this world, it's bad behaviour if its hurting me, so why bother doing it? I Don't want to stare into peoples eyes when it makes me loose my mind anymore, I don't want to be like "good morning" when I freaking don't care and think there's no point in saying that... I want to stop being worried about people thinking I'm rude for simple things like that too, it's not like I'm going to eat their children because I don't act like one of those perfect soulless robots... it's rude to expect others to be like that. Just let people be themselves if it's not going to harm you... darn you, normal people...I hate it.
Rant over. (Meanwhile I'm still trying to use proper grammar on forums because I feel like someone is going to expect it)

Speaking about games though, I got praised by someone for fooling around recently without ever saying a word, I actually managed to not feel bad about it and just take it. It didn't matter who I am or who they were, it was fun, end of story. That was the best thing that happened to me this year, as much as I think its silly to feel good about being praised... so pathetic, right? Yep, someone had to say it... But maybe I'm getting used to being pathetic like that, at least I'm honest with myself that way. It sure is progress compared to acting like a puppet that has no feelings or desires on its own... I probably really need to try and drop that stuff, although it's hard in reallife where people are constantly staring holes into you. I don't think I ever mentioned this to anyone at all, but I always feel like I'm doing something really bad if I showed my emotions too much...oh and today I had a scary dream again about a place we used to lived at in the past, I... am probably going really off-topic here... no cares, right? Right. I feel more like I'm thinking then posting now anyway.
So I was dreaming that we lived at our old home which I could have sworn was haunted by something, including one of our cats that died there... even though I don't really believe in ghosts, that home made me freak out a lot. So in that dream we just moved there again and I knew it wasn't safe to go inside, but did anyway... and then I heard a spooky and wind-like noise in my head and the feeling of something trying to get inside of my head, which seemed to make my mind fade away... end. What made me feel weird about it was that it seemed really familiar, that feeling of something trying to get into your head/mind and then basically making you pass out. But that's probably just because I keep dreaming about ghosts and stuff like that.

I'll just end it here for now, see you next time, random forum people who bothered to read this (and elevatedsoul, if you're still around)