[Kj0425]

My husband has been showing signs of being manic depressive or bi polar..we married each other really fast where I had no idea. He is 24 years old. this is the 3rd time he has ignored been extremely mean lashing out for no reason told me he doesn't want to be with me he is miserable and he wants out, along with many other hurtful words. The last time I stayed at my parents while pregnant for 3mos ( He had done the exact same thing. ) while he partied and had an affair now we have a child. His Mother is extremely Bi polar. I need help. 2 weeks ago he loved me and things were fine. I need someone to chat with that can give me more insight...there is so much more I could write but It would take me days.

[Elysium]

KJ0425 ~

Hi and welcome to PC!!

I think it is important for your husband to see someone professionally about his symptoms. Most often, people who are bi-polar have a difficult time managing their symptoms without the help of psychotherapy and medication(s).

Of course, first he has to admit that he is having issues and he has to want to change his behaviors. If he's not willing to do that then it becomes more of what you are comfortable living with.

Should he not be willing to get the appropriate help, you need to decide if you are comfortable keeping you and your daughter in this situation. Bi-polar disorder does not get better on its own, and it's not just going to go away. He may go through a period where everything seems okay, but the pendulum always swings back the other way. The risks are that one day he will turn physically violent against you and your daughter. It sounds like he is already being emotionally abusive and possibly verbally, and just because he may be bi-polar doesn't make that okay. There is NOTHING okay about any type of abuse. He still needs to be accountable for his actions.

My suggestion....see if you can get him to acknowledge the issues and then talk with him about getting some treatment. If he refuses, you may have to put your foot down with an ultimatum. It would also be a good idea for you to find your own support systems as well. This will be important for you in your coping with his illness.

I don't see the situation magically improving on its own without help, so I really hope he is willing to work on it.

Best wishes for you and your family. Keep us posted on how you're doing if you like. We'll be here for you should you need to talk and you can always PM me.

[Kj0425]

Elysium,

Thank you so much for responding. It's so hard for me to believe that something could be wrong with him. He makes me feel like I push him away. I don't understand how a week ago we were going to get through this then on Monday he was done with everything talking about how he wanted to leave and have me and the baby stay at the house. I said no because I have no car and it hurts to be around him. He doesn't think he has a problem. I have been at my dads for the past few days I have text him asking if this is what he really wants and he never responded then I emailed him today about a mental heath center and he never responded. I am so hurt and confused. Also ...we had went out a couple of weeks ago and I had got reallt drunk and had called him a cheater in front of his friends..I cried for two days because I felt so bad..he told me to stop beating myself up over it..he loves me and we will get through this...now he is saying that he doesn't want to be with me because of it. Is that an excuse?

[amaviena]

The only person who can know if its really an excuse or if he truly feels that way is him. You can't make him get help. He has to want to.

[jattitude]

I agree, he has to realize somthing isn't right with him and he needs to want to get help. Sometimes it is hard to see your own symptoms. With me it took my husband telling me I either needed to get help or he was leaving. I was in a depression phase when he told me, so I listened, had I been maic, it may have been different, who knows, good luck to you.

[Kj0425]

Originally Posted by jattitude

I agree, he has to realize somthing isn't right with him and he needs to want to get help. Sometimes it is hard to see your own symptoms. With me it took my husband telling me I either needed to get help or he was leaving. I was in a depression phase when he told me, so I listened, had I been maic, it may have been different, who knows, good luck to you.

thank you..my husband is manic right now..so is it best that I just leave him alone? I told him he needs help and he just ignored me. I don't know how I am supposed to react towards him.

[jattitude]

Idon't think I would have listened to my husband when I was manic, I never saw a problem until I was depressed, then I understood where he was comming from. The only advice I can offer is to try to talk to him when he comes back down, but then again we are all different and whet worked for us may not always work for someone else, just try to be sincere in how you feel and what you have abserved, be honest. Hope this helps

[thinker22]

Doesn't sound like a good place to be. If he's dangerous to himself, he could be dangerous to you and your child. I'm not sure what the nature of his manic episodes are, but mine are full of anxiety and impulsiveness. I think I'm invincible and I get somewhat aggressive if anyone challenges me. Other people just talk super fast, don't sleep, drink, and act all goofy. But if he's mean in mania, it could get ugly.

If he keeps ignoring you about getting help or won't sit down and talk it over, maybe write him a note and find somewhere else to stay. I agree with whoever said to give him an ultimatum (and of course, you must be at a place where you are willing to follow through with it should he refuse to get help or just say he'll get help but never make an appointment or show up for therapy or to get meds).

Another thing. You got drunk and you were honest. He did have an affair, right? Maybe you shouldn't have said it to his friends, but some of them probably already know. Even if they didn't, it's still a legitimate hurt that he did this to you. So really, don't blame yourself for that. I tend to say hurtful things when I'm irritable, not drunk at all, and usually in the morning. We all have our weaknesses.

I hope you will find a way to respond to his actions that is healthy and safe for you and your child. Until he's in his right mind, it will be difficult to reason with him.

Stay in touch. We've been there. Luckily most of the bipolar people on this site are in therapy and on meds because they came to a place where the severe emotions were unbearable and causing serious problems in their lives and relationships.

[Kj0425]

thank you that helps a lot. I just want to make sure me staying away is the best choice. It is just really hard for me to be around him when he says hurtful things and acts like I mean nothing.

[Kj0425]

Wow it is so wonderful to be able to have support and answers from ya'll! I am staying away at my dads..I figure when he comes down from this I will give him an ultimatum...but if he has another affair I don't think I could take it anymore. I love him and I want him to get help. So I am going to give him space..he is still at the house I figured if I left he would stay and that might be better then if I was there he would leave and go who knows where. He has the bank account in his name but I can access it to see what he is spending but I have no control. last time we lost our place to live but and he had a place to go. His mother which is Bi polar untreated told us we were dead to her and kicked us out for the dog pooping in the house. thats when we moved to the house we are in now. I have no car..our credit is shot cause when he got married he said that we should stop paying our credit card bills. He admits that his mother has a problem..then right beofore his episode we had a talk and he said Idk maybe I have the crazy gene. So I thin he knows I am right..but he pushes me away saying such hurtfuls things..he hasnt called in 3 days to see how our daughter is.

[thinker22]

Sorry to hear that you are suffering. When he comes down from this manic episode, he will likely shift into a deep depression. That's usually the best time to approach a bipolar person about getting help. They realize there's something really wrong and they just want to feel better.

You did the right thing giving him some space and making yourself safe. Try not to take his actions or lack thereof seriously right now. Of course accountability is always appropriate, but there's no point in confronting him until he is in his right mind and can feel normal emotions like sorrow for wrongdoing. What bipolar and even unipolar depressed people fail to recognize is that being on meds and in therapy is nothing like Cuckoo's Nest. Meds are mild compared to street drugs and very gradually dispensed and you won't be drooling unless you were wielding an axe or something and needed an injection. My morbid humor, sorry.

The psychiatrists and therapists these days aren't generally know-it-alls who pump you full of drugs and don't listen to your concerns. They will adjust them if you have a bad reaction and they want to work on whatever your goals are out of therapy. So...I don't know how to communicate this with him, but a good place to start is the Stephen Fry series where he (diagnosed bipolar in his later 30s or early 40s) talks to all kinds and ages of people with the disease, some of them quite famous and talented. It's done very sympathetically while showing how serious it is and needs to be treated.

This is part 1. I believe there are 12 parts of 9-10 each minutes in all and you may need to click about to find the correct next section, but most are numbered. It will help you understand him (if you've not already seen it) and maybe he'll see himself and realize how he's harming his own life and relationships without feeling threatened.

[Kj0425]

Thank you!! I know It isn't me but I have a hard time thinking everything he says is true. I am very insecure which is an issue I need to work on..but defiantly isn't good when I take everything to heart. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me. It is hard for me to believe that something is wrong with him but its obvious. I am not living at the house right now, I don't plan on contacting him because he will just ignore me. Its hard to understand but I will watch that documentary hopefully will help me understand more. I know he has been going home... the thing that worries me the most is the weekend is coming and I know he is going to self medicate and drink. Possibly have another affair, Its so scary being on the other side and not knowing whats going to happen.

[thinker22]

Stay safe and let us know how things are going. He has to want to get help and change. If he doesn't and he's dangerous and/or cruel, it's in your best interest to stay away. Don't worry about what he may or may not be doing. (Easier said than done.) I think he'll get curious eventually as to why you're staying away, especially if he swings down. At that point you can make some conditions about coming back.



Sorry I can't tell you anything else. You might want to make an appt with a therapist yourself to talk about all you're dealing with. He or she might have some insights and other ideas about how to best deal with the situation or a person with his history and diagnosis.

[Kj0425]

Originally Posted by thinker22

Stay safe and let us know how things are going. He has to want to get help and change. If he doesn't and he's dangerous and/or cruel, it's in your best interest to stay away. Don't worry about what he may or may not be doing. (Easier said than done.) I think he'll get curious eventually as to why you're staying away, especially if he swings down. At that point you can make some conditions about coming back.



Sorry I can't tell you anything else. You might want to make an appt with a therapist yourself to talk about all you're dealing with. He or she might have some insights and other ideas about how to best deal with the situation or a person with his history and diagnosis.

I really appreiciate all your advice and support. I just wanted to give ya'll an update on the situation. My Daughter hadn't been acting herself, and I just wanted to be near my friends..missing My home. So I talked to some close friends and they are going to be here for me 100% when I need to leave and get out. I had a feeling he contacted his ex. the one he had an affair with so I called her and asked her if he had tried contacting her and she told me he had emailed her stating I had been gone for a few days he has a beautiful baby and nice house a great job but he is depressed ans needs someone to talk to. She said she doesn't plan on responding, and she was sorry for what happened before she knew what she was getting into and I didn't ask for any of that. she is happy in a relationship now and doesn't want anything to do with him. So I Text my husband and said I was coming home simply because Oaklyn (our Daughter) wasn't herself.so he text me saying I thought you were moving out. and I said no Im not and he said whatever its over so something needs to be done. So I had some friends bring me home and set up an air mattress in my daughters room. When I got in the house I noticed that he had took down our baby gates rearranged things..and bought a new entertainment center. He was following my brother in law around the house ....(he lives with us) after my friends left I was kissing on the dog and went to bring him in the room with me and he told me "I paid for the dog..he is mine leave him alone. I said "ok" and put the dog down and went to bed. His brother told me that he had came home drunk on tues night. I left before he came home on Friday I applied for some jobs. Friday night I heard him come in at 2 in the morning, Im sure he was drunk. Sat morning (today) he slept till 11 30 I know he wasn't sleeping well cause I had to get some things from the room. I was very calm and nice told him that I had applied for a job and I wasn't sure about the hours but he will probably have to watch the baby. and he said how am I going to do that? I said well obviously when you aren't working. he said well I don't know about that cause we can't live in the same house together and I said ok. but Oaklyn still needs to be watched (still very calm an nice) He walked to the bedroom and slammed the door. I left for the day. I am not going to try and make him talk to me. I am not going to do anything for him, I grew some "balls" as you would say and decieded I don't need to leave my house. I don't think he would harm us his brother lives with us too and he is normal to him. I know that I can't believe anything he says and the issue is with him so I will stay very calm and be conciderate I am not a creul person but I will not let him walk all over me and have the power to crush my spirit. I don't know if he is going to get help I can only wait until he comes down and hope and pray he will get help..if not I will take measures and do whats best for me and my child.

[thinker22]

It takes a great deal of courage to do what you are doing in the face of such a situation. I'm glad that you have another person in the house who seems to be on your side or at least a balancing figure for your husband. I didn't realize that before. In this case, you do need to sort things out and not feel like your own home has been stolen from you and your daughter. I'm really not sure how long other people's manic episodes last. Maybe days, weeks or months and you can't just avoid him when it's also your house just because he's sitting there all day. So long as you feel safe and you are standing up for yourself, that's all that matters. Being manic and depressed (if he's telling the truth to the ex) is a mixed episode. You might want to read up on them. I think there's a description on this site.

Hope you will find a great job and at least be able to take care of yourself and your daughter until he chooses to get help or decides to get another place.

We're here for you. It's a terrible illness, but he is still responsible for his actions and for recognizing that he's hurting other people by not getting help. At some point in therapy he may come to the realization that he's turned into his mother and that will upset him to no end...may be the splash of cold reality that will wake him up. Obviously you can't suggest it because he'll likely get angry and deny it. But I bet it will dawn on him if he does get into long-term therapy. I know I don't want to repeat the mistakes of my relatives.

Thanks for the update. Stay safe.

[Kj0425]

Hey Sorry it has been so long... So Sunday I went to church in the morning and to my friends house for lunch. I came home started cleaning up took my baby girl for a walk. My husband was watching tv on the couch all day..he looked pitiful. He was being corgal I had asked him a few things and he was polite. So I asked him if he was ok and said he was sick..so I pulled some stuff out of the cabinet and gave it to him to take. I sat at the end of the couch to watch tv after I put the baby to bed. he kept rubbing his toes on me. Then he went to bed and said I could come if I want. I asked him if he wanted to talk he said I don't know. so I laid in bed and he started cuddling with me and we slept together. afterwards I was so confused he said he wanted a divorcef still but its harder than he makes it seem. I said well then we shouldn't be doing this. so I went to sleep in the other room. Monday morning he was home sick from work. I called some places..I was ready to be done to work towards getting out on my own. I had a laywer scheduled to call me thurs. So I told him I was going to file for divorce and he seemed mad about everything, I said to him this is what you wanted. and how we need counseling. I also mentioned he should see a psychologist but he doesn't think he needs to. So I went to lunch with a friend I came back and he was moving furniture around and told me he would go to counseling. and nothing more was talked about I set up an appt. for sat. He has been acting normal like nothing even happened. I hope that through our counseling he can realize he has a problem. Talk about confusing? all the things he had said then now he is normal and nicer than before?? what is it because his ex didn't want him. I am pretty sure he got a hold of her because he knew I had talked to her. he said that was psycho of me. and we were getting a divorce so he didn't do anything wrong. He is being a totally different person, but I love this side of him and its so hard to not let him in.

[thinker22]

Wow. That is confusing. I can understand your bewilderment.

Hope your counseling session yields some results, but only one appointment probably won't be enough to fix anything or change his behavior (not to get you down, just so your expectations aren't dashed...not that I think you expected a miracle...ok I'm rambling). He does need long term therapy plus meds. Getting the process started is very important, however, especially if your relationship is to continue (even if just for the sake of your daughter if you do decide to split up).

I'm not a doctor, nor have I ever taken a psychology course, but from experience with family members who do this double talk...say one thing, do another, act like they never said/did something a day or week later, get offended when you call them on their behavior and act like you're the mean one...I'd guess a personality disorder is also at work. Can't really say which.

Wish you all the best and let us know how you're doing if you feel like it. We're here for you as long as you wish to share.

[Kj0425]

Originally Posted by thinker22

Wow. That is confusing. I can understand your bewilderment.

Hope your counseling session yields some results, but only one appointment probably won't be enough to fix anything or change his behavior (not to get you down, just so your expectations aren't dashed...not that I think you expected a miracle...ok I'm rambling). He does need long term therapy plus meds. Getting the process started is very important, however, especially if your relationship is to continue (even if just for the sake of your daughter if you do decide to split up).

I'm not a doctor, nor have I ever taken a psychology course, but from experience with family members who do this double talk...say one thing, do another, act like they never said/did something a day or week later, get offended when you call them on their behavior and act like you're the mean one...I'd guess a personality disorder is also at work. Can't really say which.

Wish you all the best and let us know how you're doing if you feel like it. We're here for you as long as you wish to share.

Yes, I know one counseling session wont do anything..hopefully we can go once a week. I have hope he will decide to get help maybe from the counselors point of view... we will see. you put it into perfect perspective. Thank you so much for all your help and advice it means so much. I will keep you updated!! Take care!!

[agucord]

what ever he is saying to u he dont mean it. im sure it hurts u to hear those things but u not the sick one. u still got hope in this situation. u can make desicions here: have him get threatment, deal with the fact that u have a sick person at home and deal with it, or just get divorce and go on with ur live. sorry to explained to u this way but u have to open ur eyes
and not cry about the situation. get it fix.

[Kj0425]

Originally Posted by agucord

what ever he is saying to u he dont mean it. im sure it hurts u to hear those things but u not the sick one. u still got hope in this situation. u can make desicions here: have him get threatment, deal with the fact that u have a sick person at home and deal with it, or just get divorce and go on with ur live. sorry to explained to u this way but u have to open ur eyes
and not cry about the situation. get it fix.

I came to this site to get support and have someone to vent to and that is exactly what I am doing. I can't make him get help...and when you love someone it is extremely hard to walk out esp. if you know they have an illness. I am dealing with it the best way I can at this time.

[Kj0425]

Originally Posted by thinker22

Wow. That is confusing. I can understand your bewilderment.

Hope your counseling session yields some results, but only one appointment probably won't be enough to fix anything or change his behavior (not to get you down, just so your expectations aren't dashed...not that I think you expected a miracle...ok I'm rambling). He does need long term therapy plus meds. Getting the process started is very important, however, especially if your relationship is to continue (even if just for the sake of your daughter if you do decide to split up).

I'm not a doctor, nor have I ever taken a psychology course, but from im act this way.experience with family members who do this double talk...say one thing, do another, act like they never said/did something a day or week later, get offended when you call them on their behavior and act like you're the mean one...I'd guess a personality disorder is also at work. Can't really say which.

Wish you all the best and let us know how you're doing if you feel like it. We're here for you as long as you wish to share.

Since last night he doesn't feel comfortable going to counseling..and is really upset with me that I think he should see a psychologist. He says its life that's stressing him out.

[thinker22]

That's messed up. Sounds like my brother. "I'm depressed, I'm stressed out." "Well, let's see a counselor or you can go by yourself." "Maybe, but only as long as I get meds to make me feel better. Then I'm done." "You'll have to go long term to at least make sure that your meds combo is working right and for refills." "I don't want to go that long." "You're depressed, but are willing to accept whatever they give you on the first try even if it doesn't work?" "No...okay, but let me make the appointment." (a week later) "Have you made the appointment?" "Stop bugging me. It's just life. I'm fine." "Well why are you in your room all day playing video games and sleeping the rest of the time?" "You're being mean. I'm depressed." "But you won't make a phone call." "When I'm ready. I can't. I need money." "So go to your job." "I can't. I'm too upset." "So I'll pay for the appointment." "Leave me alone."

Actual conversations my mom has with my brother. I wonder if you could find a counselor or state social worker who'd be willing to come to your home. I know some make house calls, but the social worker situation involves paperwork at very least. There are interventionists who will come to your house, though, and it doesn't require inviting tons of people. Could just be you, the brother, and him.

[Kj0425]

Originally Posted by thinker22

That's messed up. Sounds like my brother. "I'm depressed, I'm stressed out." "Well, let's see a counselor or you can go by yourself." "Maybe, but only as long as I get meds to make me feel better. Then I'm done." "You'll have to go long term to at least make sure that your meds combo is working right and for refills." "I don't want to go that long." "You're depressed, but are willing to accept whatever they give you on the first try even if it doesn't work?" "No...okay, but let me make the appointment." (a week later) "Have you made the appointment?" "Stop bugging me. It's just life. I'm fine." "Well why are you in your room all day playing video games and sleeping the rest of the time?" "You're being mean. I'm depressed." "But you won't make a phone call." "When I'm ready. I can't. I need money." "So go to your job." "I can't. I'm too upset." "So I'll pay for the appointment." "Leave me alone."

Actual conversations my mom has with my brother. I wonder if you could find a counselor or state social worker who'd be willing to come to your home. I know some make house calls, but the social worker situation involves paperwork at very least. There are interventionists who will come to your house, though, and it doesn't require inviting tons of people. Could just be you, the brother, and him.

..exactly!! Sounds the same...maybe its a pride thing, I thinnk thats what it is for my husband anyways... who knows only time will tell..I am taking it one day at a time. but planning ahead.
...I will defiantly have to look into that.
Thank you you have been wonderful to talk to!!

[thinker22]

Yeah, it's hard for some people to ask for help...often the ones who need it the most.

Hoping he'll make a good decision in the near future and not put it all on you.