[Martina]

I've been this way my entire life, but I hid it for 27 years until I finally got help in April 2008.

Now, it's like it's taking over my life. Every day I'm reminded that I'm crazy.

I'm so overmedicated it's insane, but every time I ask to drop a med or lower a dose she says no. My life revolves around what time I take one teeny little pill, because it basically knocks me dead for 12 hours. Oh yeah, and the Zyprexa I took up until May made me gain 80 pounds and almost diabetic. Lovely.

I'm just so sick of being sick. I just want to be normal.

I don't want to have a g* d* pharmacy of a gazillion pills and vitamins and supplements in my cabinet. I had to buy a bigger Sun-Sat container to hold them all, the one I had was too small.

I don't want to have to constantly question the way I think, and try to reframe every thought. I just want to be normal. I want to think normal.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the point where I wasn't in treatment, where nobody knew I was crazy, where I just hid it and somehow life went on as if nothing was wrong. Not even my husband knew. I hid it well.

But when I went really crazy I announced to the whole flipping world that I was crazy. Family, extended family, all my Facebook friends, everyone on my email contacts list, my employer....I told EVERYONE. Why, I have no idea. But now they all know. And nothing will take that back, ever.

I will never be normal.

[owllover99]

I wish I could give you a kiss and a hug kind of answer and help. But the reality is as it is with all of us you will never be normal. So you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. With us, pills are a way of life. I hate them, too, but I hate to take them. And I wonder what people think when I have to open up my purse and get a couple of pills out. But I do it anyway.
You have a husband, a little girl, and a job. All of that is a plus. Even after you had probably a manic episode. Some people lose it all. They are worth the pills you have to take.
I wish I was more huggy huggy with you. But I am out here working every day and I know people don't care how many pills you take or what you have to deal with. When it gets to be a problem you have to stand up for yourself to keep what you got. We do have a few rights.
It takes time to get used to it. It will get better. Hang in there

[perpetuallysad]

Owllover has great advice.
It is hard. I want to quit taking my pills ALL the time. I hate that if I forget for a few hours all these negative feelings start creeping up (headache, cranky, panic attacks). Several times I've just quit taking my meds and the results were disastrous. Even before I started therapy and seeing my pdoc, I knew I was crazy, I just wasn't sure what kind of crazy I was. I have never felt normal and I've never been able to hide what I am. Its still hard, I still wish (especially for the sake of my 8 yr old son) that I was a NORMAL mommy. That I could just randomly do things without extensive panic attacks and paranoia. I wish he didn't have to see me freak out and scrub everything in the house or rearrange already perfectly organized things for hours and hours at a time. I am still searching for that "right" combination of medicines. I have this weirdly optimistic hope/wish/desire that if I get that awesome combo, I will have normalcy. I'm not holding my breath though, because like I said, I've never been normal. (What is normal anyhow?)
I guess my point is try not to be so hard on yourself. Taking pills sucks. Telling people about your problems sucks. Feeling weird sucks. I totally relate. So if nothing else, you are not alone.

[wiprwill]

Wish you better. I too hid my conditions for many years until I had a breakdown at age 24 now 11 years later I am happy to take Meds to keep me somewhat normal

[VickiesPath]

I have my moments of wishing all my pills would go away. But you know what? I know deep in my heart that if I had never started taking them, I would be dead.

And I would not have this beautiful, 16 year old son that I have.

And I would not have a fairly good life that I have, even though the bad times do come occasionally now and then.

So, I'm going to take the bad with the good.

Things will get better for you.

Every day they are inventing new meds for us. They get better all the time. Life can only get better.

Hang in there.

[phoenix47baby]

You are NOT, i repeat, NOT crazy. You have a difficult chemical imbalance. Sit down with the doc and tell her everything you wrote in this post....your fears about your diagnosis and the pills you are taking. Just because you are taking a lot of meds right now does not mean that you will have to take that many forever. Hang in there.

[lonegael]

((((((((((Martina))))))))) Yeah. it can be really hard with this illness. But you know, I am glad for what normalcy I can glean from my meds. After twenty years, I finally hit the right combo. For the first time in forty years I have not been afraid every breath I take. For me, that has been a major miracle. HUGGS dear and I hope that they can find somethign that works for you and that you can find some peace where you are.

[Rebound]

I have to admit I've said the same thing exactly, sick of being sick, more times than I can count. Like right now, I'm in the middle of a meltdown and it's all I can do to keep my head on. But I'd be far worse if not for medication.

It's important to remember that every effort to improve your quality of life is worth it. I want you to know I hope we both can stick with it. In the end it's all we can do.

[Martina]

Just last night I filled up my pill container for the week. I do one of those Sunday-Saturday ones with a slot for AM and PM. It took me forever just to fill it all up. Not just pills, but vitamins, because there's a faint glimmer of a chance that fish oil could help, so what the hell, take that too. And I hate milk, so there's calcium. And a regular multivitamin. And this, and that...it's insane.

Two years ago, I wasn't taking anything at all. And I seemed to manage okay. Nobody knew I was messed up. It came as this huge shock to everyone when I finally 'came out' about it all.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back to that, hiding it, pretending it was all okay. But I can't.

[perpetuallysad]

Taking meds does suck. I completely agree. And in some sort of glamorous retrospective look you might think things were perfect two years ago, but I bet they weren't. The thing now is that you know there were things wrong then that you were hiding from YOURSELF. Now you aren't hiding the truth from yourself and that's a really good thing. I am proud of you. I am proud that you were able to tell people. Those are good things and they will lead you down a healthier path.

[NuckingFutz]

Sounds like maybe you need to work out the med issue with your pdoc...does your pdoc explain why they will not change your dose? I am greatful for the meds. I feel better able to deal with my illness. I do wish they had these meds when my biological mother was still alive because then she would still be alive. I do understand that you are sick of being sick. I was there once and slowly went through the greiving process. It is pretty hard. Hang in there.

[leah0306]

i understand where your coming from was diagnosed 8 years ago after birth of my daughter, bp,anxiety, ocd, and my parents still dont completely believe i should be on medications.. i hear "but you seem okay" ect. until i call and am manic!! leaving them to question if im taking drugs or something. its so frustrating to deal with i hope you have a good support system,and of course a positive outlook couldnt hurt, sorry for rambling... take care

I know. The pills are a constant reminder that there is something wrong with me. But, the depression and mania are even worse reminders, so I'll take the pills.

[NuckingFutz]

I forgot to tell you that I did the exact thing you did and sent out some messages facebook but was lucky and let my sister know what I had done because I realised what I had done. She calmly helped me delete the messages before anyone could read them...it was 3:00 am so I do not think anyone saw what I sent. I was lucky and I have 3 wonderful sisters as part of my support network. You know I think my sisters and I would not be this close if it was not for my bipolar.

[vox1]

"sick of being sick"...so true. I also hid my diagnosis from others, especially church members. There's still such a stigma associated with mental health. But people should realize that mental health problems are prevalent & increasing annually. We're not crazy. We're just trying to re-balance our brain chemistry. I find it comforting to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. Since I'm obsessive-compulsive, I have to look at the latest stats.....annually 12% of women, 7% of men get seriously depressed....the lifetime risk of a depressive episode ifor women s estimated at 20% (that's 1 in 5 women). And this is depression only, not to mention other mental health conditions. So take comfort that we are not alone & we have each other.

[crazymusiclvr]

Everyone,

Reading these posts, was so beneficial for me. For me, this disease has been like a roller coaster ride. Right now, i'm cruising, doing great and have been for a long time but it is something that I will all struggle with on and off, during the rest of my life. One day at a time, I tell myself.

We all hate pills and they are just part of the coping strategy but those of us who have gotten any type of grip on this battle know, that without taking them, it's just pure....dangerous. I hate the side effects, the expense, wondering if my bf things i'm crazy for the amount of bottles of pills I keep in my cupboard but they keep us functional so that we can start to cope.

However, life throws us all a curve. Unlike a disease that you get that costs you a foot, or loss of hearing, or loss of site, we are dealinging with this. What is worse? Who knows.

Just remember the struggles you've been through and how they make you that much stronger. It's true! Battling this has made us learn who we are, and in life, there will be battles, beyond just mental illness but we can handle them! The things that we have been forced to deal with in regards to our mental disorder, make us experts!

I am only 27 years old but the one thing that I am most proud of in my life, as many will not understand, is how I have learned to overcome and cope with this. Be proud of yourselfs and hang in there! We are on a different rollercoaster ride than others but when the ride stops, we know where to get off.

Thanks again,

~Lia