[perpetuallysad]

Like most things that go on with you in say, the last month? What about, can you remember when you were a kid, a teenager? I mean like remember a lot of random but specific things that you did or that happened to you and not just bad things or just really good things, but just random things like "remember that time we rented Look Who's Talking and ate that gross pizza?" kind of stuff?

I have found (and me and my doc have talked about this a lot) that I have a great deal of difficulty remembering fairly recent things, ESPECIALLY if they were upsetting and my past is quite honestly nearly non-rememberable. (Yes I made that word up.) I cannot remember 2nd grade or 8th grade or anything before, between or after that. I know I graduated from HS, but I don't even remember that event. I know it happened, but I'll be damned if I can remember much of it. The not remembering my childhood is especially upsetting for me as I had a brother who committed suicide when I was 18 and I can not remember him!!! The only things I can remember are the many, many, many traumatic things that happened to me, and even with those, its more of a vague thing, like I can remember that when I was 5 my step dad broke my finger or when I was in the 7th grade my mom hit my face so hard that my tooth cut a hole through my bottom lip. But I cannot remember DOING anything during those years, I cannot remember playing or having fun or going anywhere.

Anyhow, is anyone else like this? Do you have any idea why I am like this? Or it is just the obvious that I want to block everything from those bad times out? Seems like if that was the case though, I wouldn't remember the bad **** and would only remember the good things. I cannot remember the good things AT ALL!

[perpetuallysad]

No one has any opinion about this?

This is one of those times when I really wish people would respond when they read...

[billieJ]

I am responding because I am so sorry that these traumatic and awful things happened to you. I hope that your adult life has been better. Probably the traumatic events you speak of overshadowed the memories of more "normal" events and/or, as you say, your effort is to block out the whole period of time. I remember 1st grade as being particularly traumatic, as I was an only child at that time, and I had had no experience with the teasing of other children. I hated it and developed rheumatic fever, so I could get out of school for the rest of the year! 2nd grade is a blank, and the only thing I remember about 3rd grade is getting my first pair of eyeglasses. Most of my school experiences are essentially blank, and maybe this is not too abnormal. I wish you the very best present and future, in fairness, to balance out the horrible experiences of your childhood. Yours in friendship and in the knowledge of perpetual sadness ~ billie J

[perpetuallysad]

Thank you very much for taking the time to talk to me billie j. YOu always have such kind things to say.

[FeelingHopeful]

Ps!! Im sorry I just saw this now,I feel so awful all this has happened to you,I think your very strong ,despite your own pain, you have reached out to help me with my struggles on my issues. Thank you for that, Im always here for you,I may not have much to say because Im messed up emotionally right now,but im here for you my friend , even if all i can do isa online hug.Your a amazing person!

[lonegael]

I had to sit and think about it. You know, I also have a very patchy memory when it involves periods when i was very depressed. If I was normal or mnic atall, like mixed, I have no difficulty remembering. Also, the memory that I lose is the visual; I can't picutre events that took place when i was really depressed, or if I do, it's unclear. Sorry I didn't get to you earlier. Huggs!

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks billiej, feelingsad and lonegael I appreciate your responses. I was really hoping for one of those times when everyone would say, "ya, I do that too." Its a terrible thing to not remember much. My t/pdoc says I'm repressing everything. It just seems like an awful lot of time to repress.

[Typo]

(((((((((((Perpetuallysad)))))))))))))))))

I too have a patchy memory, I can't remember most of elementray school and there are chunks of high school that are foggy because they were surrounded by truamatic events and stressors in my life.

Your not alone hun,

sending many peaceful thoughts
Typo

[Moreta]

I don't remember many things from my childhood, except all the traumatic events. I still have problems remembering what happened in the recent past. I've been keeping a journal though, so I can remember.

[owllover99]

I remember quite a few things from my childhood if you want to hear them.. Being so neglected I didn't know how to take a bath, molestestation (Ithink that's a work) being kidnapped at age 3 with a father who neglected me (I didn't know how to comb my hair right). Then my teenage years. Being taken from my dad and deciding to go to my mom who hated my dad and took it out on me. My step-dad beat and raped me for a year at aged 14. He said if I told Mother he would kill me. When he did break down at tell my mother, he said he was in love with 2 women. My mother to this day (I'm 56) blames me. She thinks a 14 year old virgin seduced my step-dad.
I have not tried to be overdramatic or anything. These are the facts. I do pretty well except I think I'm dirty and have a hard time dealing with the people at work (I work in an office).

[perpetuallysad]

owllover, I'm sorry you've gone through so much. I wasn't trying to make light of not being able to remember things. I hope you didn't think I was. Its very painful for me. The only memories I have are of bad things. Can you remember just "regular" times from your childhood? Those are the things I really wish I could remember.

[catrules]

I have very few memories of elementary school either. I got picked on terribly because I was a bit awkward, and well ahead of my peers academically. However, an interesting thing has happened. I have been on facebook, and reconnected with a lot of folks who I went to school with. People have posted pics of group school photos, and even photos that they have with me, like when I would go play at their houses and so forth. Everyone talks about things that they remember, and its funny how we all remember things a bit differently. Perspective has much to do with this I am sure. All I remember is being made fun of, and being bullied. But there were obviously other things that happened that were good and fun.

[KJDlost]

I am new here, just today. I also have a terrible memory. Sad that things like the birth of my children, wedding & supposedly happy times were pretend happy and I barely remember them. I was always worried and nervous during every big event. Now, I have a daughter who tells me she has been depressed since she was 8. At 12, we knew she was having anxiety and she has been seeing therapists and psychiatrists since then & just diagnosed with bipolar disorder 3-4 years ago. She's 25 now. She's also had spells where she doesn't remember things. I can't tell you why these things happen. I can only tell you, you're not alone.

[perpetuallysad]

Thank you for sharing KJDlost. I was wondering if it had to do with bipolar or mania or depression or just a coping mechanism. I have talked to my t/pdoc about this, but I think I would like to discuss it more to better understand. I've even thought about asking him to hypnotize me to help me remember some things that I really want to remember but cannot. Has anyone here been hypnotized, did it work?

[Merlin]

I've been hypnotized. Apparently those who dissociate hypnotize very easily since it can be a form of self-hypnosis. Hypnosis to recover memory is a touchy subject in psychology since it can (though does not necessarily) create false memories. I used it for test anxiety. It went a lot faster than it seemed. What was 45 min felt like 15. I found it comfortable, but trusted T almost implicitly. I don't get near the test anxiety I used, though whether or not it was actually the hypnosis, I couldn't say.

[leah0306]

hi, i too have trouble remembering, like i just dont know where several years of my life went,as a child-and older (im turning 29 in 3 days) so i understand, and you may be right,maybe for some of us its easier and maybe HEALTHIER to not remember-esle we might dwell on events. i honestly dont know, but do know your not alone take care

[dogwood]

What a doozie of a day! Right before I read this post I had a talk with my mom that has been coming for 40+ years about the abuse in my past. My dad abused me and I talked to her about it tonight for the first time(I'm 54,she's 80). Needless to say it didn't go very well. It is hours later and I'm still sitting here crying.For the most part I've put my past behind me but something triggered those horrible memories of my past when I was with her today. Wouldn't it be nice if we could only remember the good stuff?

[catrip1024]

I have always wondered about my lack of memory. I just recently realized that it is a result of the bipolar. I remember a handful of events from my school years. I remember even less of my college years. Sometimes I feel like I should just be thankful that I remember my day to day activities! You are not alone. Don't ever feel like you are in this wacky world of ours!

Carla

[Rebound]

When I first read it this post, it started me dwelling on my own past and I wanted to use that to give a better reply.

I can remember far more of my childhood now than I could 20 years ago. I hated my childhood but I can remember some good things. Incidentally, I think that helped keep me from doing some drastic things I considered during that time.

Now that I have been naval gazing for the last several years, more and more childhood memories are coming back to me, whole sequences of hurtful events rushing back into my head in waves. Each time, something sadistic in me keeps picking at the old wounds. I can't help but focus on it entirely, bringing it back to life as fully as possible no matter how much it hurts and I can practically see it all happening in technocolor. I'm not sure it's doing me any good because I do it more and more now and so I'm lost in the past. So there's good and bad in that. I think eventually some good stuff will come back if there's any more to find.

But like you, I have huge blanks, not much positive stuff, and for more recent events, I have a really hard time with the order in which they occurred plus much of what has been said above. On the other hand, I remember random people I hardly knew who have wronged me in one way or the other because I can't let go of even the smallest stuff except when I'm manic.

I was really confused and more than a bit scared when I was in my 20's and 30's because I could remember almost nothing of my elementary school years and very little of the rest and yet I was also afraid of what I might remember. Frankly, I believe Lamictal has helped free my mind to begin to be able to recall those memories since the timing seems right... if I recall correctly lol.

It's disturbing, I know. Although I still remember only a small fraction of that time, it was a relief when I began to remember. I hope the same for you.

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks everyone for sharing. Its incredibly hard to not remember things that seem like I should be able to remember. But I know its a defensive thing. My childhood was wrought with one traumatic event after another. My mother and 2 stepfathers were both horribly physically and mentally abusive to me and my one brother (the one who committed suicide when he was 16 and I was 18), but for some reason neither abused my 2 younger siblings (thank goodness), I think part of the reason they didn't is that I would put myself between them and take their punishments if I could. All I remember is pain and being terrified of my mother (and to a lesser degree, each of my step fathers). My mom was also an alcoholic and drug addict and started AA and NA when I was a teen. That was a really strange time.

Anyway, good or bad, I really wish I could remember and get over it. My past is what has created this person I am today and I hope that if I could deal with my past, I could become more whole today.

[adventureseeker]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

Like most things that go on with you in say, the last month? What about, can you remember when you were a kid, a teenager? I mean like remember a lot of random but specific things that you did or that happened to you and not just bad things or just really good things, but just random things like "remember that time we rented Look Who's Talking and ate that gross pizza?" kind of stuff?

I have found (and me and my doc have talked about this a lot) that I have a great deal of difficulty remembering fairly recent things, ESPECIALLY if they were upsetting and my past is quite honestly nearly non-rememberable. (Yes I made that word up.) I cannot remember 2nd grade or 8th grade or anything before, between or after that. I know I graduated from HS, but I don't even remember that event. I know it happened, but I'll be damned if I can remember much of it. The not remembering my childhood is especially upsetting for me as I had a brother who committed suicide when I was 18 and I can not remember him!!! The only things I can remember are the many, many, many traumatic things that happened to me, and even with those, its more of a vague thing, like I can remember that when I was 5 my step dad broke my finger or when I was in the 7th grade my mom hit my face so hard that my tooth cut a hole through my bottom lip. But I cannot remember DOING anything during those years, I cannot remember playing or having fun or going anywhere.

Anyhow, is anyone else like this? Do you have any idea why I am like this? Or it is just the obvious that I want to block everything from those bad times out? Seems like if that was the case though, I wouldn't remember the bad **** and would only remember the good things. I cannot remember the good things AT ALL!

I really don't remember most of my childhood and I have no idea why. It is very frustrating and I am kinda relieved that I'm not the only one. It really sucks and it makes me wonder if my kids will remember all of the great things that we do together.