Getting really tired of all of this BP stuff

For months I was way down in the dumps - since 11/7 when I broke my arm and couldn't do anything! The holidays were coming up, my favorite time of the year and I was a grinch... I just didn't care. I managed to do my shopping on line and no have to leave my house (which is good as I have agoraphobia besides be bi-polar). I was a wreck and tried my best to hide it for my husaband and son. So last week all of a sudden, after 3 months of deep depression and thinking of suicide, I suddenly felt better! I was happy, laughing, almost giddy with happieness!! Then wham, on Wedneday I feel back down into the pit of darkness and hell. I've been contemplating suicide and have the pills I need stashed - I almost gave them to my husband today, but at the last minute put them back in their hiding place. The idea of suicide use to scare me - but it doesn't anymore - I can almost feel the peace it will bring me... I'm not ever upset that the thought of doing it doesn't scare me anymore or cause me to reach out for help... It just feels right... I don't plan on doing anything right now, but I'm afraid that I will, maybe the next time the depression just gets too much to bare again. I hate the depression - it sucks the life out of me and leaves me a zombie - not caring about anything or anyone. I have become good at hiding my feelings - I don't want to worry my husband or son as they have thier own issues and jobs to do. I don't work as I cant leave the house. I don't even want to do my favorite things - when my husband tries to force me to do my scrapbooking which I use to love, I get very upset and which he would just leave me alone - but I smile and do it...all the while fuming inside, ready to explode. Instead I just cry in private. I'm almost out of tears... I just don't have the strength I use to have to keep on battleing this bi-polar issue... WHY CANT THE HIGHS LAST AS LONG AS THE DEPRESSION???? It's just not fair!!
I see my psych next week and I already know that I won't tell him the truth - I have to go alone and I'm scared already. I'll just tell him I'm fine and leave with another 3 months worth of prescriptions.... I'm so lonely with no one to talk to about this... I journal, but it doesn't help anymore. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.... I just don't want to be anymore. I want peace... I want peace...

Just going to the Psych for 3 month worth of meds is not going to cut it. I tried that for twenty years till I finally found out that talk therapy beats any kind of med you can pop....hands down!.......If this Psych you are seeing doesn't foot the bill, get another one till you find the one that can see your plight. It took me twenty years of Bipolar UPS and deressive DOWNS...It was exausting, and I had my hand on the trigger more than once......believe me...THAT'S NOT THE WAY.....
Meds only stop the pain a while to get your head around things.....It seems you are there....you just need the professional guidance a good Psych can give.....I can't do more from this keyboard but tell you that it has worked for me...and IF you want it, it will work for you......Post back, PM me or whatever....but don't go under...it can be better.....'the yutzman'

I was where you are last summer. I made a serious attempt...with my meds. Here is what happened... I took my meds by the handful. By handful number 6 I was in the bathroom uncontrolably purging...from both ends I might add. Then I started vomiting so hard that I could not breath. I paniced and called 911. They found me in the bathrom surrounded by my own feces and vomit. I pass out in the ambulance. I wake up to the most chilling words I have ever had "it's weak, but we've got a pulse back". I had a suicide volunteer that was like an angel. I then drank something that looked like the tar pits of La Brea and tasted like it too. I met with the nefrologist who said I may have to go on dyalisis. Confirmed I coded on the way there. They gave me a copy of my heart monitor...23 seconds of flatline. I had someone watching me in ICU 24/7. This was my wakeup call. I am here today partly to help others. Especially those thinking about doing what I did. I did not realize how many people my death would hurt. Call doc ASAP

Almost all cases of bipolar are an ongoing and constant practice. I can say I have come a long way from where I was 7-8 years ago. Some people get lucky and get stable fast but most of us have invested years in our process to get a little headway. But we decided we wanted to get out enough to get help even if it was hard. I didn't get help because I was afraid I couldn't live any other way. I didn't get help because I was addicted to the intensity of life I lived as an untreated Bipolar Sufferer ( I am no longer a sufferer, I am a survivor). I didn't get help because I was afraid no one would understand. I didn't get help because I didn't want to face life, because I had effectively developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from so many failures at work, in relationships, in my life in general. It was too much to face. To close, I am glad I got help and I hope you do as well. Please stay safe. We will be here if you need us.

(((Bashfull))) Please tell your p-doc what is going on with you, or tell your husband or someone who can help you.

Last summer I was having thoughts of suicide and I knew where I had some pills that I no longer used. I opened the bottles to see if I had enough and the only thing that stopped me at that moment is that I didn't know how much I needed. I made plans for my kids, imagined all the people in my life and figured out how long it would take them to feel better, imagined how long it might take and what I would do if I changed my mind after I took the pills.

I wrote it in my journal and that's when I snapped back to reality. Seeing the words there is what saved me. I was frightened that I wasn't scared during all that planning. I was frightened that it actually comforted me. I took the journal entry to my T and we talked on the phone to my p-doc. I flushed those pills. After a few more days of thoughts and taking inventory of everything in my house that I could use, I went to the ER. I stayed at the inpatient psych unit for several days after that and they changed my meds.

I guess I am saying a few things here. That you aren't alone. That you should tell someone right away what you are thinking. That the hospital, although frightening, was the best choice.

Please take action to get help before you go through with anything. Let us know how you are doing.

Hi. Sorry about what you've been going through. The high is not all it's cut out to be. My high always has a nagging reminder that I'll definitely crash sometime, but the lows are weird. When i'm depressed it's like i'll never feel different, ever, but eventually i do. I'm in a funny place myself and i totally understand the urge to give up. I feel like everything i try to do by way of personal development amounts to alternating highs and lows. Like it comes down to rituals to maintain a balance i can work with. That's not how i planned to live..

And it makes me want to cry. But I don't, because i feel ten times worse after crying.

It's hard but it's better than before. Talk to your doc about it, u may need a higher dose of what ur on, then try to find your personalized rhythm for life.

Probably all of us have had suicidal thoughts at some time. I had a plan and wrote letters - one to my son, one to my family and one to my friends. I still have them and confessed that to my therapist last time I saw her. She was not happy. I also have saved all the meds I am no longer on. I didn't tell her that. I used to cut myself and still have razor blades tucked away. I tried to explain to her that somehow it is comforting to know that if it gets any worse or if I go into the darkness and don't come out, I can stop it all. Then again, I have a very strong faith that gives me all kinds of reasons to fight to stay alive. I have always told those who love me to love me enough to let me go, to want this hell to be over for me. They of course want to save me. Right now I am in a better place than I have been in a long time. I hope you get there soon. Hold on to the fact that it will get better. You have a family who loves you. Just keep trying to find the treatment that is right for you but it starts with being honest with your doctors.

Thank you for your message. Unbeknownst to me I've been bi-polar for years. But I was only being treated for depression - but my pdoc after an a couple of days talking with me discovered I was bi-polar and I was being over medicated with the wrong meds from my previous pdoc. I think maybe the winter, with lots of snow, and very few days of sunlight, might be the bigest problem and causing the depression. The few days that I was really UP the sun had been shinning for about 3 days and the snow was starting to melt. I have a lot to learn about being BP depression and just reg depression. If that makes sense. Anyway, I gave my hubby all my meds that I had been holding back. I feel that a hurdred pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you again so much for your message and for caring.

Tonight I gave all the meds I had been hiding to my husband. I don't want to take the chance that I may do something stupid... I almost poured all the meds into my hot coffee this morning. They would have put me to sleep - a sleep that I would never have waken up from. Thank you for your honesty and for you message. Thank you for careing enough to send the message. I see my pdoc next week and my husband has decided to go with me now. Thank you...

Thank you - When I see my pdoc next week I will ask about a therapist who may be closer to where I live. I don't like to leave my house if I can help it - the closer the T the better for me. Thank you for all your insight. I appreciate it so much. I had a close call once with suicide - my dog saved my life. She woke up my husband whom she didn't like and he found me and rushed me to the hospital. If it wasn't for Maddie I wouldn't be here now. She died of cancer in my arms - she was the best friend I ever had.... Again Thank you so much for caring.

Good job making sure you are safe. I have given my husband my meds before. I understand how hard they are to give up for so many reasons. It is a very brave step you have taken in your recovery.

Keep checking in with us, with your husband and if you need to call your p-doc before your appointment I am sure he/she will appreciate the call.

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And it makes me want to cry. But I don't, because i feel ten times worse after crying.
Aww Damnare that made me tear up, I hope you can cry one day because crying is a good release, at least it is for me since im constantly crying. How are you doing today?

Please be honest with your pdoc. He/she can't prescribe the right med mix and dosage without knowing how you are actually feeling. Also, you won't feel better until changes are made. I have known suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide and it is a horrible place to be.

Glad you are taking the steps necessary to get better. Keep us posted about your changes and your process. Best wishes.

I never got to talk to my pysch - my husband did all the talking. He went with me as I'm afraid to leave the house. And I asked him to go in with me - my mistake. He interrupted me every time I spoke - I finally gave up. Once the weather gets better I'll try to go alone.
Thank you all for your posts - I really appreciate it.