Overwhelmed

well ps, if nothing else, at least you got some reassurance that your T/pdoc isn't going to be dropping you. That's a great thing! It's too bad he doesn't have the availability to see you more often. Did you ask if there's anything else you can do? I hate to think you're just meant to sit and suffer between appointments (I mean of course you know we love you and support you here but I get that that's not quite the same). There has to be something. Did you look at anything online? Like a therapist online. Some of them offer sliding scales and will charge a certain amount for unlimited e-mails or will do chat or will even do phone sessions. I don't know what your finances are or what you can find online, but maybe it's worth a look?? I don't know but I hate to see you suffering. Hang in there PS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi ps,

I just logged onto PC & saw that you PMed me, so I responded without reading this thread first . (Sorry!)

I really think that you were feeling so much anxiety b/c you were/are ANGRY & you are uncomfortable with that emotion. Maybe you feel guilty about feeling that way towards your doctor, or you're afraid to express it b/c he seems to be the only available T/Pdoc. Or maybe you feel too unworthy to feel like you have the right to feel angry. But you DO have that right. If you have an illness & you need to see a doctor for it & you can't, it's frustrating as hell! I don't know what your situation is, but I understand how tough it is when you can't even see a T like everyone else on this site seems to (b/c I can't, either). And I'm ANGRY about it! It isn't fair! I am also angry that I've seemingly been on every medication ever manufactured to no avail (you've mentioned something similar) & I'm pissed off about that, too! You have the right to be angry about that as well. We all do! Of course you were overwhelmed with all of those feelings & are now exhausted! It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you; it means you're a human being & entitled to your feelings. So feel them. Anger turned inwards = Depression/Anxiety.

Now that you may have a clearer understanding of what might have led up to your feeling like you were going to have a panic attack or lose it, you will understand that you aren't going crazy & are just denying yourself the right to feel what you do & be human. Love yourself & allow yourself to feel whatever you do. Write it down, draw a picture, exercise- get it out in a tangible form.

I wish I knew the answer to the other problems- finding effective treatment with both a regular T & medication. But this is all I can offer. I hope it helps. Gravyyy had some good ideas that I hope will be helpful to you.

Please keep us "posted" & I hope you're feeling better after a good night's sleep.
Sending big hugs

i was thinking about you today. hugs coming from me

PS, there's a site I used a while back called www.helphorizons.com. It's basically a site where therapists can conduct online sessions with clients. They have probably like 20-30 Ts listed on there and if you click on their name it will tell you their cost info. Most of them do at least online sessions (like in a chat forum) and then individual e-mails. There is one lady on there who charges $5 per e-mai it says. I don't know if you're able to swing $5 per e-mail but maybe you could so that like once a week for the 3 weeks of the month that you don't see your T/pdoc. The first e-mail is typically free. I have also worked with a few other online counselors who charge for a month at a time. Like 'x' amount of money for 30 days, unlimited e-mails. TO find them I just typed in e-therapy or online therapy in Google. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know.

You all are so very wonderful and I am just overwhelmed by the goodness and kindness coming from you. Thank you all very much.

Psyched, I think you are right. I am angry. That is really hard to say, to admit to myself. I was never allowed to be angry as a child and I find that even now I tend to focus my anger on myself and hold it all in because I have no idea how to let it out.

My t/pdoc has given me the homework assignment of writing a letter to my mother (whom greatly mentally and physically abused me) telling her all the things I've wanted to say but that she wouldn't allow me to say. I am supposed to bring it in to him on my next visit and we are going to read it together and then he's going to help me mail it. Even though I know she will not respond and if by any chance she does, she will only turn things into my fault, I believe this is something I do need to do.

Gravvvy the email thing is awesome. We are doing alright financially, but I feel tremendous guilt spending money on me, so I have a really hard time finding any way to justify expenses on myself, but the idea of paying per email doesn't sound bad at all. I wouldn't feel guilty about that. Wow, that's a great resource. I am going to try that out and see if I can handle it.

Really,everyone, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I hope the writing exercise helps. Even if your mother never reads the letter, just finding a release for that anger inside of you & validating it will make you feel better.

I know that I wrote that I didn't think my T's did much in all of those years, but psychology has come a long way since then. It isn't just talking to a face now; it's about learning skills. You are sooo lucky to be financially capable of seeing a T, & your life is worth the investment. I'm sure that your hubby & son would agree b/c they want you to be happy. I wish you would reconsider.

I know what you mean about being uncomfortable with anger..took me a long long time before I tried to express that emotion..just wasn't me........but it NEEDS to be expressed,,,anger directed inward only becomes something that drains you, drains you....

assertiveness and anger are so important I have found..

I'm a doormat. I think that's why I have just quit having friends. I seem to allow people (hell even seem to want people-subconsciously) to use me up and throw me away. I got tired of it and cut everyone out of my life except my husband, son and sister. (And I tell my sister nothing, I'm mostly there to support her.) I was just never, ever allowed to express my feelings as I was growing up. I realize its quite pathetic to let my childhood effect me so, but I cannot figure a way to break this cycle. I try and try, but it never lets go of me.

i wish you all the best!

There is nothing pathetic about it PS. My inlaws are far worse, and it is basically from holding all the childhood anger and fear and hate inside all the while denying it exists. you at least are aware of it and doing something about it. remember, too, you have taken many years to get this way; it won't get straightened out quickly.
We are all affected by our childhood to one degree or the other. I turned anger in ward for many years, and it took a while to really acknowledge that I was mad before it carried me off and exploded.
You might want to try just looking in the mirror and saying, I'm not afraid, I'm not sad. I AM ¤%&/ ENRAGED; ANGRY ; PISSED OFF. You were anxious and angry at the pdoc, and you didn't explode, nothing terrible happened, it was just a draining visit. You can be angry without terrible things happening. Try acknowledging it enough so that the sound of it is no longer frightening. It might help, if you feel safe doing it. Huggs dear, and please don't call yourself pathetic. You're not.HUGGS again.

You are not pathetic..you have inherent worth ((((worth))))) you matter to me and everyone here

As far as friends could join a group with the same interest as you or a church or support group?

You could slowly ever so slowly build up a decent numner of friends who do not use you or throw you away

you are wirht so much more