No stability for me

After two weeks of weird symptoms, physical depression and mental agitation, I realize I am nowhere near stable.

Today I feel confused. I had to take my son to a doctor appointment and after I dropped him off at school, I felt like I wanted to drive home as fast as I could. Then I got the idea that I had a half tank of gas and wondered how far and how fast I could go. I was listening to music and with the beat of the music, the world was becoming visible to me; a flash of trees here, the cars in front of me, houses there, the sky, the trees; everything was becoming crisp and in focus.

Now I am home and I can actually feel the energy draining from my body as if someone pulled the plug out of a full bath tub.

Last night I took the Mood Tracker quiz and I scored 24 points depressed, 25 points manic. I am guessing that is pretty mixed, although the numbers aren't scary high.

Most of my episodes are mixed lately.

Eight more days until I see the shark talker again, unless I go to the hospital first.

It is really good that you can recognize your own instability. That's where mood charting is so important, at least for awhile. We have to learn to recognize our own symptoms and take action to try to stabilize, whether that be seeing our therapist, our pdoc, having meds adjusted, or the hospital. It's just what we have to do sometimes. I hope you will get through this phase without needing to be hospitalized, but if that is what you need, that is what you need. Take care.

I was just thinking about you wondering how you were feeling... I am pretty much always in a mixed state too. Sometimes though its more depressed and sometimes more manic. Hang in there girl! And if you ever need to talk pm me.

I hope things get sorted out for you soon; I will continue to keep you in my thoughts!!

I took an extra Seroquel because I have been thinking of SI, and making "braver" moves toward doing it. I am hoping it will knock me out and get those thoughts out of my head. If not, I will have to call my T and ask his advice.

I'm worried about you, BNLs. I hope you are ok.

I have been knocked out since this afternoon. I have been sleeping on and off. Every time I woke up I immediately had obsessive images of SI. It was my first thought. I have to remind myself that these are disturbing images, and that they are not things that I need to do. I generally think in images. When it is time to eat breakfast, I have an image of myself eating, or making breakfast and so on. They are like brief flashes. The same think is happening with these SI ones. I know they are just images and I don't have to give in to them. It is really hard to keep myself from doing it. I take my next Seroquel in a couple of hours, so I am going to have some dinner and chill tonight. If I still have these images tomorrow I will have to call my T.

Please stay safe, BNLsMOM.

((((((BNLsMOM))))))))

I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending you some love.

Can you think of some beautiful images? A time when you laughed, or felt the love of a child, or even your favorite flower. Spend a little time thinking of these things and making a clear mental picture.

Every beautiful image you can hold in your mind helps to counter the effect of those disturbing images.

If this doesn't resonate with you, please ignore and just accept my support.

Many hugs, and please be safe.

The weird thing is that I don't feel particularly depressed. My body is depressed, I have a hard time getting moving, doing anything, etc. My mind is just always on the go, and these images keep coming in. This was happening last year when I went to the hospital and it is just as hard to explain now as it was then.

I am doing my best to be safe.

I'm worried about you too, call your T no matter if the Seroquel works or not okay?

The more I think about it, the more I agree, Amazon. I can't keep poppong extra pills unless they are prescribed or else I will run out. I also have to take care of the kids. They are pretty good about playing quietly if I need them to, but it can't be every day. I do have permission to take an extra pill here and there in case of a bad day like today.

I've felt like you too. My body depressed and my mind kind of numb. Try reading an uplifting book or watching a funny movie. WE have a channel here in South Africa that occassionally shows clips of really serene settings, especially in the morning. I find this very relaxing and motivating.

Alternatively, do you have a pet? I find if you realise you are responsibly for that animal; it's companion, feeder... it uplifts you as you realise you are needed and have a purpose.
I've never SI'd, but OD once. I had genuine intentions and spent a few days in hospital. Yesterday I started getting strong suicidal thoughts. But i'm an intelligent person, I have a good life-style, I have a family, a few friends... and I cannot let myself get involved in something like that rationally.

seeing my p-doc in 1.5 hours and need to discuss this with her - in future I believe the responsible thing would be to admit myself to hospital.

BNLsMOM - please look after yourself, post here if you can, and really consider everyone around you as well as yourself. It is very responsible of you if you admit yourself to hospital if you really feel the images getting too bad.

Of course, now I am afraid to call and feel embarrassed about the whole thing.

I am still having thoughts. In fact, I was walking down stairs and my husband had left a wall paper scraper on the window sill because we are slowly working on removing wall paper in the stair way. I actually shuddered and had a physical reaction to seeing the blade because I knew exactly what I could do with it. It was like reliving a nightmare. I held the railing tight and kept walking. It felt like I was going against the muscles in my body that wanted to stop and look at the blade and hold the handle... I actually felt weak in my legs and arms.

I know I have to call. I will. I am just afraid.

I know that it's scary, especially if your T recommends the hospital, but if you would be safer there, then I hope you will go. It's better to go in for a couple of days to get the meds tweaked a bit than to wait until something serious happens and then have to spend a lot of time in hospital as a result...take care of yourself!!

I am just waiting for his call back now.

I feel the same way it is so much easier for me to care for others than myself, don't know why that is?

Never should there be shame in problems of any kind, especially those dealing with mental health.

I am VERY proud of you to be able to acknowledge the danger, the images of SI, and to be aware of them. You obviously understand somewhere that it will not accomplish anything. You have children and I would imagine they mean the world to you. When you have those visions, are they something you can hold on to.... spend time with... hear laughing.. so that it can help clear your mind of these negative images?

Many others here have also struggled with SI, and we all know that ultimatly, it does nothing for us. Take rest knowing that your not alone and that others here obviously show deep concern for you and your safety. No shame with us.... so there should be no shame in those that help treat us.

Take care and be safe.

Let us know what the T says.

Looks like a visit to the ER. I am waiting for my husband to get home and then we have to figure out what to do with the kids. We'll either go tonight or in the morning.

My T thinks that I am not going to find relief from these thoughts until I am either on a new med, or in a safe place or both.

I'll post at some point after I get home.

I am so sick of this stupid disorder.

Stupid insurance. I had my husband call the triage at the ER and they told us that the ward is full and the ER is a extremely busy. They called my insurance to find out if I could go anywhere else. No. Insurance won't pay for it. The triage said that if I can hold on through the night that I should go to the ER first thing in the morning.
So that's what I am going to do.

I'm glad you're going to go in the morning!! I hope a bed opens up for you so that you will be somewhere safe and can get your meds adjusted. Take good care of yourself and I look forward to hearing from you when you get home.

I hope I don't need the bed, but I am going "Survivor" style and bringing my bag to Tribal Council. (For people who don't watch Survivor, I am going prepared with a bag in case I have to stay.)

Wishing you good luck and sending you positive energy that you will be feeling better soon.