[perpetuallysad]

I'm manic. I knew it was coming, it always does at this time of year. And, for the record, I don't have fun, I'm the queen of the world mania, I have crappy, I know everything and everyone else is a dumbass and everything on the face of the earth is a trigger and I cannot even really get on here because I find myself about to say too much and I just keep typing out responses and then having to delete them because do you all really want to hear me spout my know it all ********? I think not.

And about 2-3 weeks ago my darling husband (who's driving me insane) talked me into a fish tank. So we have a very small, 5 gal tank with a few fish and I find that I am absolutely hysterically worried about these stupid fish. I cannot seem to acclimate the tank properly, though I've read about everything ever written on aquariums and I was trying to explain my anxiety about the tank to my husband who then says that I am reading too many things on the internet about it and that's what's upsetting me (DUH!) and I should just try to find one reliable source. So I tell him that I have narrowed it down to one particular site and I am trying to follow the advice and then he starts grilling me about how do I know that site is the best, why do I trust that particular author, on and on, I was having to justify everything. I seriously felt under attack and I finally screamed at him that he was making my anxiety worse and went to my room and cried my eyes out. Then I took a shower and decided I was going to leave, but my son saw me and wanted to go then I couldn't just leave because I didn't want anyone with me, I wanted to run away and now I am just... arg. ****, I know I am being mean to them, I cannot help it, I try to hold it in but they continuously do this **** that drives me insane and I seriously cannot control myself anymore. I CANNOT KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT, I CANNOT SLOW DOWN MY BRAIN, I CANNOT BE NICE. Why didn't I just leave and run away when I had the chance? Now I am stuck. And I know this is a huge insane run-on sentence that pretty much makes no sense but I have to get some of this out or I am going to implode or explode.

[Moreta]

Breathe in 4 seconds, breathe out 4 seconds, repeat until you calm down.



Then go here and look at kittens: http://icanhascheezburger.com/

If that doesn't help, go read about stupid celebrities: http://www.wwtdd.com/

If that doesn't work, and you feel the need to rant, you can rant to me. I don't mind.

[Skully]

Wow, you sound like me when I am manic. I like QueenAccountant's idea about looking at kittens lol. Worth a try. Whatever you do, don't look at fish!!!

[RRU96]

Or you can go to Google and play Pacman
This is another one I found that is Hilarious

And of Course... Like QA Said... Ranting is always fine.

[NuckingFutz]

The thing about ranting where there are fellow people is that a few who will actually understand. I like QA's breathing and ranting advice. Order pizza for the kids and tell hubby to find the best fishtank site. Go blow off some steam in a safe way. Go easy on yourself while manic. Post here often.

[busiemommie22305]

Invest in a punching bag and some bag gloves. It releives stress and builds muscle.

[grizmom]

Feel free to take out any and all aggression on my soon-to-be ex-husband. He needs someone to kick his @**, and I have to be nice until the divorce is final.

Otherwise, I agree with previous suggestions...get something to occupy the kids, tell husband to start finding a good website about fish care, and go out dancing. Then come back and rant some more if need be!

[perpetuallysad]

I love you guys. I really, really do. Thank you very much for caring enough to read my lunacy.

I'll write more later. I'm frantically searching the house for something, and I mean EVERYWHERE, but I don't know what I am looking for yet. Hopefully I find it, because I'm insanely frustrated. I know it doesn't make sense to say I'm looking for something and I don't even know what it is, but that's just my freakin' brain these days.

Anyway, maybe I'll find it. MAYBE I LOST MY MARBLES AND I'M LOOKING FOR THEM??????????

[NuckingFutz]

You will find what you are looking for in the last place you look for it.

[perpetuallysad]

Ah, a wise man once told me the same thing...

[sugahorse1]

I can empathise and think I'm coming to join your side of the world shortly. Friday night I slept close to 11 hours, Saturday a bit less and last night I had a migraine and really just couldn't sleep. I got close to only 5 hours of sleep. Yet I feel OK this morning. I never make lunch for work (it's so much easier to just buy at the canteen) but I was up and busy making my own lunch this morning. Driving to work I was turning the music up, listening to serious house music... this is just not the normal controlled me, so I'm sure I'm entering a manic phase.
I think the important part is to channel this extra energy into a useful path - maybe start taking up running?

[perpetuallysad]

Oh I do LOTS of things when I am manic. My newest idea is to make woven purses out of old garden seed catalogues. Also, I've woven about 10 coasters (for drinks to sit on), salvaged a coffee table that was on the side of the road, fixed the leg, distressed the paint, decopaged some flowers on it, and now it adorns my living room. Not to mention the garden and the fish that I am worrying to freaking death. Thank goodness I have xanax or else I'd probably never go to sleep. Yesterday I was so much in a bad mood that my husband suggested I take a nap. I laid there for 50 mins staring at the clock and then got up. Poor guy tried to cut the yard (to make me happy, he hates yard work=that's the stuff I always do) and I went outside and screamed at him. So he didn't cut the grass and got mad at me because I won't let him help with anything. Its not that I don't want help, its that I am a fricken lunatic and unable to accept help. Oh the fun. I am hoping that today I can be nice to my son. That's my goal. I've got to stay in control enough not to nit-pic him to death. Today is his first day of summer vacation and I don't want to ruin it for him.

Now I am off to get a cup of coffee. Yes, I know, NO coffee. But I have absolutely no other vice, so I am drinking my coffee.

[sugahorse1]

I'm ready to go to sleep - think my mind has worked enough for one day. I have been quite bouncy and sharp most of the day!

[grizmom]

Have you considered calling your pdoc for a med adjustment? I really don't want to see you spiral out of control into a psychotic episode, or to see you crash into a depression. Please take good care of yourself...I like you and don't want anything bad to happen to you!!

[leah0306]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

I'm manic. I knew it was coming, it always does at this time of year. And, for the record, I don't have fun, I'm the queen of the world mania, I have crappy, I know everything and everyone else is a dumbass and everything on the face of the earth is a trigger and I cannot even really get on here because I find myself about to say too much and I just keep typing out responses and then having to delete them because do you all really want to hear me spout my know it all ********? I think not.

And about 2-3 weeks ago my darling husband (who's driving me insane) talked me into a fish tank. So we have a very small, 5 gal tank with a few fish and I find that I am absolutely hysterically worried about these stupid fish. I cannot seem to acclimate the tank properly, though I've read about everything ever written on aquariums and I was trying to explain my anxiety about the tank to my husband who then says that I am reading too many things on the internet about it and that's what's upsetting me (DUH!) and I should just try to find one reliable source. So I tell him that I have narrowed it down to one particular site and I am trying to follow the advice and then he starts grilling me about how do I know that site is the best, why do I trust that particular author, on and on, I was having to justify everything. I seriously felt under attack and I finally screamed at him that he was making my anxiety worse and went to my room and cried my eyes out. Then I took a shower and decided I was going to leave, but my son saw me and wanted to go then I couldn't just leave because I didn't want anyone with me, I wanted to run away and now I am just... arg. ****, I know I am being mean to them, I cannot help it, I try to hold it in but they continuously do this **** that drives me insane and I seriously cannot control myself anymore. I CANNOT KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT, I CANNOT SLOW DOWN MY BRAIN, I CANNOT BE NICE. Why didn't I just leave and run away when I had the chance? Now I am stuck. And I know this is a huge insane run-on sentence that pretty much makes no sense but I have to get some of this out or I am going to implode or explode.

hi, hang in there , for me the mania is a ***** too, only about two days is fun, the rest is hell, so irratible and pissed off, wishing you an easier time, try to do something just for yourself, damn the fish!! do take care,

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks all. My pdoc is lousy, I can finally admit this. If I called him, nothing would happen. Hell, he probably wouldn't even call me back.

I'm trying to not freak out. So far I'm not being too mean today. Though I am wired as hell and going nuts. Now my pool is rusty and I can't get it to clear up and so I am fixated on this problem now. Yea for obsession!

[sugahorse1]

I hope you're feeling somewhat better today?
If you can admit that your pdoc is lousy, please try find a new one. I think they often don't realise what a life bouy role they play in our life, and how we cling to them for an answer. Mine is awesome like that - I can phone her and tell her if I have a major concern and she will send a script to my chemist, at least until I can get in to see her. Sometimes it may require a med change, and at other times maybe just some Benzo's to see me through this time period.

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks for being so sweet Suga. I have a big dilemma with my pdoc as (1) I've been seeing him for almost 6 yrs for meds and "therapy" (2) I live in small town Mississippi [this is literally the poorest state in the US and we have NO resources, like doctors or therapists]. My pdoc services a HUGE area and travels between many offices, so my time with him is very limited. But I have no other options, there are no other docs here, or any where close to here. I've been through a huge long post where I got tons of great advice, but it just comes down to what's available, he's the only thing here, so I am stuck.

Anyway, I am still manic as hell. At one point yesterday I was so nutz that I was talking so fast I could barely understand myself and I know I was freaking out the neighbor kid (she's 14-not the annoying family) whom I was talking to about her pool problems. I was (obviously) running off at the mouth, sweating, short breaths, ug, just the whole can't shut the **** up mania crap. I finally settled myself down at about 1am last night and I did manage to make myself stay in bed until 7:30. I didn't sleep the whole time, but I stayed there trying. And thankfully, I am on 1 mg xanax 3 times daily (or as needed, depending on how I am at the moment). So that does help me to calm down enough to sleep a bit sometimes.

Miraculously, I have not killed my fish yet. And they are not acting like the are suffocating anymore. I also managed to rig up a wonderful contraption on my pool skimmer that has filtered 99% of the iron/rust out of the water. Now I have to figure out some sort of tent/curtain thing to put around one end of my pool for shade (even in the pool its so hot here that you nearly cook, not to mention the horrible sun burns...) and to keep the fricking neighbor kids from standing there staring at us because I won't let them swim. Too much responsibility entailed to let other people (non-family swim in the pool). Thankfully I have a fence, but it starts probably 20 feet from the pool, so they will literally stand (or hang) from the fence and stare at us.

[sugahorse1]

arg - irritating neighbour kids.
i think my hypomanic stage is over, busy feeling VERY sorry for myself and very emotional. Here goes the rollercoaster ride again. At least I've managed to drag my cycles out to 2 weeks now whoop whoop!
Hey; I have 1 siamese fighter and he's touch as nails and doesn't require a filter. That's about as much maintenance as I can handle, lol! Managed to keep him alive for about 1 year now. Hoping the chameleon is as tough....

Sorry to hear you only have one pdoc to go to. We have quite a choice (as long as you are paying privately or via medical aid) State hospitals/clinics are a real no-no here. But our biggest issue is finding one that isn't that busy and can actually accommodate you in an emergency.

[grizmom]

How did today go for you? I'm glad you managed to at least lay down and try to sleep last night!! Hang in there and keep posting!

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks gals. I appreciate your continued support. I've only had a few periods of freaking out today and managed to actually SHUT MY ****ING MOUTH when I was in a bad place and wanted to say bad things. It was tremendously hard, but I did it. I then cut the yard to keep my mind occupied and have just avoided my family to keep from screwing with them too much. I hate that this is a symptom of my mania-I cannot handle anything anyone does that I remotely perceive as wrong, stupid, annoying, loud, rude...etc. I've been ranting and raving for days about the hundred million things wrong that I have all the answers to if people would just listen to me. If there were some truly effective way to harness all of we bipolars' manic ideas, man we could create a whole new world! I have about 20 books I want to read right now, but of course, I cannot make myself sit still long enough to actually read them. Even sitting for long enough to check on this thread and a few others is hard to keep from getting distracted.

Has anyone seen on of these purses?


I'm making one right now, though I'm using seed catalogues. Its turning out pretty neat. Nice and tedious, so it keeps me absorbed for a good 20 mins at a time. I haven't started cleaning out closets yet (something I invariably end up doing at times like these) but I do have plans to rearrange the living room.

[gravyyy]

Bipolar Disorder sucks. Hang in there PS. (would offer a hug but I know when I'm like you are now I don't want people touching me). SO I will stay at a distance and just say hang in there and type as much as you need.

[sugahorse1]

Isn't it strange how in these moods you are so irritable, and "want space", yet at the same time wish you could just break down, cry and be held and comforted? I feel like a tiger locked in a cage that just wants out and to be taken home to be a pet...

[grizmom]

That purse looks neat...are there instructions for how to make them somewhere on the internet? I might like to have a go at one sometime.

[perpetuallysad]

I do completely hate for people to touch me or really just be near me or hell, even talk to me! But you are so right, I do want to break down and cry and just get held. But this is the insane **** that goes on in my head, everything is a contradiction, so there is no way I can give my husband advice on how to deal with me, because nothing he does will be right.

Griz, I am going to write up some instructions. I kind of made up what I am doing by looking at some pics and working it out by trial and error. I'll pm the instructions to you when I get them finished.