[RRU96]

I feel myself spiraling with irritability again. Last time I got so fed up with my wife, I nearly walked out.

She has Multiple Sclerosis. She is probably about to be diagnosed with a disease called Neuromyelitis Optica or NMO. THis is a very serious and very rare disease. One study showed 33% of the people in the study died within 5 years from Respiritory Failure. Nerves in your spinal cord get affected and ruin you. I held off telling my wife all of this. She knows its bad, She knows that it is a serious issue, so what does she do, Go outside and Smoke. She already has heat sensitivity issues so I made it off limits to smoke in the house. Figuring that when it gets 90 degrees outside which it already is doing, she would realize that smoking was not as important as her health. Low and behold, she still goes out and smokes.

If I buy cigarettes (I also smoke though have set a quit date of July 4th)... I buy 2 packs. 1 for her 1 for me. Telling her that I will not buy more cigarettes in hopes that she would learn to ration out her cigarettes so that she can stretch a pack to 3 days or more like I do. Instead hers are gone in a day and a half at best. Then she comes up "Ryan, Can I have one of your Cigarettes". If I say yes, I teach her nothing. If I say no I get attitude from her. She has tried to quit 2 times using that new medication, failed both times. Getting her dad to buy it for $80+ each time. If she runs out of cigarettes, and I am not awake, she will get her dad or sister to go to the store and buy some more for her.

It has come to a point where I care more about her health than she does. I have tried everything that I can to be here for her, to do what she needs. After a talk over a year ago, when her Multiple Sclerosis started causing seizures, we decided for me to quit my job so that I could become a caregiver. Taking care of whatever she needed. Being stubborn, she still tries to do things on her own, and then wonder why her Methadone wont work. She asks for help sometimes, but she just doesnt get it. I have chosen to be a slave to whatever she needs, and she continues to hurt herself, not caring about her health.

Tonight I finally decided to do something I didnt really want to do. I have made a pact that I am going to kill myself smoking every damn cigarette that she gets someone to buy, thus preventing her from smoking. She doesnt get it.

This, while trying to stay compliant on my medications, is not helping me and MY issues any. I understand that she doesnt have the ability to do things for me when my medications wipe me out. I know this. She can talk. Instead when I get irritable, storm off, she comes gets the dog and leaves me alone. I have told her that I need to talk. I just dont know how to talk. I need her there for me, have told her that time and time again, and here she comes, gets the dog, and off she goes.

I come on here to try and escape sometimes. As some of you may know I try and go fishing as well to help escape. Only to find out when I come back that she has done more things that were not important, then I have to hear her whine and "wince" in pain when her methadone doesnt work.

I log into PC, trying to escape, then I see topics where people are trying to have children. I have no problem with people wanting a child, it just hit close to me and I am sure most of you know the thread I am talking about. If anyone read anything I posted in that thread, please understand it was not hatred that may have been portrayed in my words. I simply got hit yesterday hard when reading it, knowing that there is NO WAY I could ever justify bringing a child into this world knowing that there is a chance that we could pass on this NMO disease. Multiple Sclerosis would be hard enough to pass on, but this. No chance. So now, I am married to a woman, who doesnt care about her health, who is ruining me emotionally with my Bipolar. My medications, while I am compliant, are probably about to be upped. I have no problem with Lamictal. Have titrating up for the last 5 weeks to 100MG. This is about to be bumped to 200MG. I have had NO problems with Lamictal so thats fine. Geodon, that is a different can of worms. I am currently at 40mg which I can typically tolerate fine. But sometimes when I take 60mg, which is what they initially tried to start me back on, I get slight breathing issues. Not sure whats going on because sometimes I do fine. Maybe its just Anxiety.

Anxiety is something I am starting to notice, which ended me up in the ER with a full blown panic attack. Also have severe HIgh blood pressure. Now I have over $4,000 of hospital bills that I cant pay.

I try and try to do right for my wife, but it seems like she cant do right for herself. Instead I look over and see her falling asleep with a mouth full of food, or a soda in her hand passed out. She doesnt care. She has already fallen off the toilet and gave herself a black eye. Which also ended up busting blood vessels in her eye.

I try coming here to help, and realize that what I say, is crap. I see people like Grizmom... Very insightful, very helpful, very compassionate and understanding of people... and then there is me.

I'm waiting for a decision on Disability, though am expecting a denial. I cant fish as much now because my wife wont care for herself when I am gone. Video games trigger anxiety. I have nothing left to escape to. My sleep schedule has NEVER been good. When I was a child I saw my father sexually abuse my sister while I "acted" like I was asleep because I couldnt do anything about it. Sleeping ever since has only come when I get tired. Sometimes this is 10 hours after waking up, sometimes it is 20+. I just dont know what I can do. I want a kid, I wany my wife to understand that she has to take responsibility for her health, but I have taken a vow, and I will stand by that. I just....don't know how to escape anymore.

[Trippin2.0]

It saddens me that you have it so rough right now.
I admire you for the immense strength you portray,how you look after your wife, even when it seems she's given up, and still face your own personal challenges. How it's not easy being you, yet you still find the compassion to care for someone else.

You're a special person, don't you ever forget that!
Even though it might not seem like it now, I'm sure your efforts,love and compassion does not go unnoticed.

But you have to remember that in the midst of all this, there is YOU, and you need to take care of YOU. You are not expected to carry the weight of the world at the expense of your health, happiness and peace of mind...Please take the time to do something just for you. My brother wrote a song, and I quote one of the lines religiously "take it easy on yourself, cause no1 else will..."

You might not feel up to it, and part of you might just want to give up altogether,but it's a step in the right direction, REMEMBER: YOU ALSO MATTER! YOUR NEEDS ARE NO LESS IMPORTANT! YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT! YOU ARE WORTH THE ENERGY! YOU ARE WORTHY!!!
Best wishes & hugzz!!!

[perpetuallysad]

RRU96 I really wish there were some magic thing I could say to make you feel better. First of all, I am really sorry about your wife's medical problems. They seem very severe and very scary. That alone would have me in constant panic attack mode, so I really think you aren't giving yourself credit for the stuff you are doing. You are trying to take care of her; that is a good thing. There is going to be a point, for your OWN health and well being, that you are going to have to talk to her about what her expectations of your are and what you are realistically able to do for her. You also need to understand what she wants as far as her health and her treatment plan. As much as it may hurt and you may not like it, she may have decided that she doesn't want to quit smoking. It sucks, but just because you want her to do something (even if its for the best intentions in the world) it doesn't mean she will or that she has to. In fact, if you force her to do something she didn't want in the 1st place (again, even if it is for the best intentions) she is going to be resentful and who knows what may happen as a result.

Is she on disability? Would she qualify for some sort of personal care nurse or social worker that could come to the house a few days a week? Maybe if there were someone to share the workload, while allowing you to give yourself a break, it would be easier to deal with things the rest of the time?

Arg, you bring up so many things in your post and I want to try to address them all and give you advice, but I am manic myself right now and I know that I am coming across as bossy and all, so I am going to try to shut myself up for now.

You are a good person and you are doing the best you can. You are an adult and make your own decisions, your wife is also an adult and makes her own decisions. Its going to be hard, but you have to accept she may not make the best medical choices for herself and as long as she's of sound mind, you are going to have to let her do that.

I hope things get better or that you can find some relief. I'm here if you ever want to talk to me.

[grizmom]

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with so many things at one time. It's completely understandable that you are on edge and irritable, bipolar or not. I can see how concerned you are with your wife's health...I'm wondering, how concerned is she? I could be completely off track here, but it almost seems as though she has given up on herself. Going out into the heat when she knows she has heat sensitivity, doing unnecessary things that cause her more pain, falling asleep with a mouthful of food, etc. The smoking thing...well, that's a hard one. It's hard to quit under the best of circumstances, but when you are dealing with any type of illness, physical or emotional, it's going to be even more difficult. I just wonder if she might benefit from some talk therapy? If I remember correctly, you had stated in another post that she is on SSI, so I'm assuming she has state medical benefits? I would imagine that would cover therapy. Like I said, I could be totally off the mark, but from what you've said it seems that she has either given up or is perhaps in denial about how serious her health issues are. Just something to think about.

In the end though, as was stated above, she is an adult and has the right to choose how she wants to live. I know first hand how hard it is to sit by and watch someone ruin their health and know there is nothing you can do about it. The one thing that you can do is to refuse to buy her cigarettes anymore once you reach your quit date and aren't buying them for yourself. If she has someone else buy them for her, as hard as this will be for you, it would not be helpful for you to smoke them yourself or to forbid her to smoke them. Again, she is the only one who can make the decision to keep smoking or to quit.

As for some topics on here being a trigger; there are things on here that trigger me as well. Things that probably don't trigger anyone but me. Those are the posts that I exit and don't read again. And thank you for the compliment, it is much appreciated, but don't throw yourself under the bus! It's easy to come here and try to help others; but I can choose when to respond and who I respond to. Your compassion exceeds mine as evidenced by the fact that you were willing to give up everything to stay at home and do anything and everything to care for your wife. I don't know that I could do that. There aren't a lot of people out there that could. And your determination is astounding. You are fighting for not only your wife's health but for your own. Having meds adjusted, trying to learn how to deal with frustration and irritation and anxiety, reaching out to the people here when you are having a hard time...all of that shows a lot of strength.

As mentioned in another reply, I agree that it would be a good idea to look into finding someone to help care for your wife so that you can have time to get out and relax and just get away from it all if even for a few hours. And don't give up on the disability; they do deny a lot of people when they first apply. The important thing is to appeal the decision (if you are denied) and try to keep a positive attitude about it (yes, much easier said than done!!).

When all is said and done, I think that for the amount of things you are juggling, you are doing a great job. Hang in there as best you can, and come here and vent away whenever you need to. Lots of hugs from my end!

[kadesgirl09]

RRU96, I never have anything incredibly insightful to say. Im just not that good with words. But I want you to know that I think your a hero for all you do for your wife. I hope you can find some help and focus on getting yourself better!

Your wife smokes. That is one problem. You are upset about her smoking. That is two problems; one too many. I think the smoking issue is a manifestation of a much deeper frustration. Life is hard. Life is not fair. You are facing the death of your wife. You are in emotional overload.

As the others have suggested, you might need to look at how all this stress is affecting you. You cannot control the course of your wife's illnesses and apparent apathy, but you can choose to look out for yourself before you become a second problem.

Good luck.

[RRU96]

Well, I ended up blowing up last night. She asked for help and I told her no. I have done everything I can for her, and got so fed up with her, I told her no. THis is the FIRST time I have ever done this. This is something I had no right to do. It has been my job to do anything and everything for her and I felt like **** when I told her no.

I just keep trying to get her to realize what she is doing and for some reason, thought pissing her off enough would help things. I ended up getting my pillows and going to the other bedroom to sleep. Calling it my 'bedroom' last night. I punched the walls more and harder than I should have, kicked the wall. Needless to say it was not a good night. She ended up going to her moms house at 5:00 in the morning despite nobody really being awake. Just to get away from me. She said last night because I was mad at her she was afraid to ask me to do anything for her, feeling like I would breeak something. I have broken a laptop, some computer mice, etc in the past so her fear is somewhat justified. I have never hit her, will never hit her. She knows this, I take out my anger and agression on other things. It would not have been anything to me last night to break my xbox, my 50" TV we have so she can see it, anything. It wouldnt have mattered to me last night.

As I am sure most of you could have guessed, I love my wife more than anything. I would rather die myself than have her go through the struggles she is going through. But I know that would not heal her. I still plan on quitting on 4th of July, giving myself time to ween off cigarettes, and I guess I will have to go back to hiding my cigarettes. I shouldnt have to go buy cigarettes every day and a half if she is smoking them all the time. I guess from here on out, I will buy us more until my quit date when I run out and only when I run out. When she is out, and I have hidden mine, I guess I just deal with her lip and tell her if she needs more, call her dad or wait until I run out of cigarettes. I just dont deserve the attitude that I get, which just starts to trigger. Its like it doesnt matter. Yesterday I heard, "I just get in so much pain". Pain doesnt get helped with cigarettes. If anything, cigarettes are a vaso-constrictor, shrinking your blood vessels, increasing your blood pressure, making it worse. She and I are both Medical Assistants..... She knows all of this.

I've made the decision to love her, richer or poorer, sickness and in health. But its like sometimes my mental health issues take back seat to her physical health issues. I am continuously being told "I'm Sorry" for things that she does on accident. But nothing appears to be genuine. She appologizes for something, and then a day later does the same thing again. Time and time again. Then I have to deal with her mother talking to my wife behind my back like, "This is why Ryan needs to not be going fishing all the time," and then not knowing why I choose to avoid her and her house.

So far today, I have told my wife good morning, she has responded in kind. It seems like last night got swept under the rug for now, even though it still leaves a big lump, its not seen at this moment. May trip over that rug a few times today, who knows. We will see.

[perpetuallysad]

RRU96, I'm really sorry things aren't getting easier right now. As I have no good advice, please just keep talking to us, getting it all out has got to help somehow, right?

[Trippin2.0]

please just keep talking to us, getting it all out has got to help somehow, right?

I agree 100%, please keep posting, we're here for u!

[kadesgirl09]

RRU96... please hang in there! we are here for you. rant anytime!!

[grizmom]

How are things going today? Any better?

[RRU96]

Well... my wife and I have had a talk. One of those serious talks. Trying to get her to understand that its hard for me to deal with everything because, you cant look at me and see the problems. Trying to slowly educate myself, and her as well. She is finally helping some in taking a stand against her family and the comments they make about how I should stay home, and not go fishing all the time. They know I am Bipolar, but since they cant see it, and since they dont live with me, they dont "get it". My wife is starting to. I was an asshole to her the other night. I appologized for my actions. It was over the top. I hope she can accept my appology and realize that when I have those moments, I yell. But yelling back at me will only make it worse. That isnt fair for her, but I need her to calm me down. Talk to me. Make me understand what I did/am doing. Hopefully if something this severe happens again, she can remember this talk and help me out of that moment. Because that night was so severe, I ended up going fishing. It is one of the few things I can do that helps......level me off. Clears my head.... Gets me excited when I catch my big fish which I need to upload to my profile. Getting excited about fishing, gets me to forget the bad times. It may be a cover.... but it is a chance to make me happy again so that we can have those serious talks about me and MY health.

So to answer your question, I guess okay. Will she forget what I did, no. Does she understand it is the Bipolar, she's getting there. Does it make it better, no. Because I still wish I didnt do it to begin with.

[perpetuallysad]

Someone else posted this somewhere, I hope that its ok that I stole it from them. It really helped me, I sent it to my husband, though he never said that he read it.

written by Julie Fast

10. If you blame us or put us down or get impatient or angry with us for bipolar disorder behavior it simply makes us sicker! Impatience never got us out of bed or made us less depressed. Anger never made us stop spending when we are manic. Kind and realistic rules and limits do help. Telling us that you will not and cannot live with us if we don't treat bipolar disorder first does help. But helping us help ourselves is the best gift you can give us. If you know what behavior is a symptom of the illness, you can then treat the illness to help the behavior instead of getting so upset with us all of the time. (We are upset enough with ourselves, believe me!)

9. Understand that we cannot always help you do things when we are sick. You may need help around the house, with the kids, the bills, the laundry, etc. Deep down we know that, but sometimes we are just too sick to do anything. Help us get well and then we can help you around the house more. Help us get well and we will be a good friend, partner, daughter, son, grandson, granddaughter and parent. If you expect us to be able to do normal things when we are sick, then you will only get more upset with us. If you expect us to treat bipolar disorder first- that is reasonable and something we can work on together! Then we can do the laundry and the dishes with pleasure. We can have fun in life.

8. Depression is very motivated. I don't know if there is a more successful illness in the world. It is a champ, a winner! It sets goals and follows through with its goals. "I want Julie to be really sick and down on herself today. I want her to stay in bed, eat junk and cry buckets of tears." And it sure does do a good job! Depression is serious and motivated and strong. Without the right tools it is impossible for us to fight it. WE ARE NOT LAZY! WE ARE NOT SLACKERS! WE ARE NOT DUMB, WEAK OR FAILURES! We are sick. Learn our individual signs of depression and help us fight it. If depression is motivated and successful, then we all have to get motivated and successful. If you see us sitting on the couch doing nothing day after day- don't get on our case for being on the couch. Get some tools to help us get off the darn couch! Get motivated, serious and strong, just like depression. Then teach us how to do this. Help us find the right mix of medications, alternative treatments and lifestyle changes that make depression the failure instead of making us look like failures. We need your help to fight this illness. We need your love to beat depression.

7. What you do in YOUR life makes a huge difference in how we experience our bipolar disorder symptoms in OUR lives. This is not fair on you, but it is a reality. It should be that you can do what you want and we can lead our own lives and let you be you - but people with bipolar disorder cannot simply separate themselves from the things you do. If you are stressed and unhappy and unhealthy, you have to know that it can affect us greatly.

6. Bipolar disorder is a disability. It is not really recognized in that way right now, but it will be more so in the future- many of us are dis-abled from leading the life we want and you want us to lead. We simply can't function like other people can function. We can't snap out of it, therapy our way out of it or just get on with it- whatever the "it" is you want us to do. WE HAVE TO LEARN WHAT WE CAN DO AND WE NEED YOUR HELP! Please know that stress makes us sick- good stress, bad stress, stress that is none of our business- all stress makes us sick. Can you look at us differently? Can you see us as people who have an illness that often makes us unable to be "normal"? Can you hug us, love us and help us even when we make you scared, angry and embarrassed? Please help us turn a disability into an opportunity.

5. This illness is not about you. We are not trying to punish you or ruin your life. We do not want to treat you badly. It is a side effect of bipolar disorder when we change our moods. This does not make it ok- and it does not mean that it will not cause huge problems for you, but it is not about YOU at all.

4. If we are manic, spending money seems like a good idea. It is part of the illness. It is a proven symptom of mania. We need your help in creating checks and balances so that we can prevent manic spending sprees. If you are blind to what we are spending when we are well and then suddenly notice the $5000 we spend during a manic episode and then get angry, it is not fair. Please be consistent and help us monitor our money at all times so no one is caught unaware again.

3. Medication side effects really, really suck. They often make us fat, tired, sick, scared, suicidal, seemingly stupid and angry. We need help in adjusting our meds and telling the doctors what we need. It is not ok to have these side effects and when we are in the middle of them and a doctor is telling us just to "wait and see how things go," we feel helpless and want to give up. Help us find different medications and comprehensive treatments that do not have so many side effects. Advocate for us if we are intimidated by our doctors.

2. Some of us with bipolar disorder cannot work like "normal" people. We cannot go to the office or keep a 9-5 job. It simply makes us too sick to function. Many of us have had a different job every year because we want so badly to fit in and be like everyone else. The reality is that we may need to find alternative ways to support ourselves and we truly need your help. Please understand that we WANT to be productive- we just have to find a different way of being productive. Going to an office really is not everything. If we need disability, help us get disability and understand that it is so very humiliating for intelligent people like us to have to get help from the government because we can't work. Never, ever make us feel guilty because we can't work! Help us find work that is non stressful, fun and helps us be independent. And if you are supporting us because we can't work- thank you so very, very much.

1. People with bipolar disorder are intelligent, funny, creative, free thinkers, different, loving and kind - WHEN THEY ARE WELL. People with bipolar disorder are demanding, sad, annoying, scary, self centered, all over the place, uncaring, dangerous, and crazy - WHEN THEY ARE SICK. In order to help us be all of the good things, bipolar disorder must be treated first. This is the ONLY way for us to have a good relationship. Because bipolar disorder does not want any of us to be happy. Friends and family are so important in the lives of people with bipolar disorder. We do not need you to take care of us- not at all- we need you to help us take care of ourselves: Take care of yourself first, get the right tools and then show us that you are willing to join us in our goal for a stable life. Always take care of yourself, but NEVER GIVE UP ON US!