Couldn't make it to work

I couldn't make it into work today. I have been up since 2am. My NP never called me back yesterday, even though I left a message that I needed help. I went to T and she was super concerned about me. I promised her I would be safe.
I asked her for some recommendations of new psychiatrists that I am going to try to call today. I have to call my insurance to find out what will be covered, who is covered, etc.
UGH! I feel totally overwhelmed on top of feeling the lowest low I have felt in a long time.
I hope I don't lose my job, but at the same time....I just don't care.

Don't sweat it too much, we all need a "mental health day" every now and then. Your plate is full and if you did go to work you probably would not have been very productive anyway. Don't beat yourself up over it. Spend your day calling around for a new pdoc and the insurance company and most importantly, find some time to relax and enjoy some "me" time.

Problem is that I left work really early yesterday...like 2 hours after I got there. I have had to take a lot of FMLA days off due to surgery I had in March, so I am stressing just a little bit. No, I would not have been productive at all. I am going to try to get some stuff done today and maybe sleep a little. Maybe I'll actually eat during the day today and not just when I take my meds tonight, like I did last night.

Sending lots of gigantic bear hugz your way!!!

Thank you, Trippin2.0!

ugh... sorry you're having such trouble right now. I know you said you don't care about your job in a sad, negative way, but honestly if you intentionally hurt yourself (or worse) b/c you push yourself too hard to be at work and do well at work and all that then what good are to to anyone? What good are you if you're gone? Sometimes we need to take a step back and take a "mental health day" or a "mental health month," b/c in the end it's your health and your sanity. If you don't look out for what's best for you, no one else will. I do, however, understand the fear and uncertainty that goes along with missing work. I assume you, like me and many others, are not independently wealthy and need to work to live so the thought of losing your job is very real and very scary. Do you best to relax, regroup, find a pdoc, sleep, and eat today b/c if you don't de-stress soon, you're going to need to be missing more than a day or day and a half of work. I do hear your frustration and your feeling of being overwhelmed but hang in there and just put one foot in front of the other right now. I think we all know that sometimes just existing is a huge accomplishment, so bravo for you for that! Take care and keep us posted about the pdoc situation.

Thank you gravyyy. I don't really think about not being good to anyone if I don't take care of myself. I often only think that I need to be at work, put on a happy face wherever I go, do a good job and *I* come last to all else. You are right that it is totally my sanity right now. I feel like I am completely and utterly losing it right now.
Yes, I do need to work to live. I am going to try to get on FMLA and/or short term disability until I can get this all figured out.
Even my son knows something is wrong, just yesterday when I came into the kitchen out of my room he said, "Ooooh look, mommy is out of the room!" all excited. I know I am having a huge effect on his little 10 year old mind and my husband and I are going to try to talk to him a little about it so I don't have to hide it all from him so much. It is really hard to do.
It is helpful to hear that you all understand where I am coming from and what is going on. Yes, existing is really freakin' hard right now, but thank goodness for my family and friends...they are the biggest things keeping me fighting.

Well, I called my NP again a few hours ago....and still haven't heard from her. I think she hates me.
I called a couple of other places and my insurance. I am going to get into this one doc that my T suggested. He is out of my network, but if he is good, it's all worth it! My appt is 2 weeks away, but there is another place that is going to call me back once they contact my insurance company. Maybe I can get in sooner that way.
No matter how I look at it.....I am going to be struggling for a while and I am already exhausted. I have even contemplated going to the hospital because I know that I would start getting taken care of right away and not have to wait so long. I have NEVER wanted to voluntarily go to the hospital....so that is how desperate I am.

Thanks to everyone for caring.

Thanks for the update. If you're thinking the hospital would be the best place, then go there!! It's awful to be in a situation that you know the hospital would be best, but I can say from having experienced it, it's worth it. I hate the hospital (and I even went to a nice private hospital, not like a hospital 'ward'). I often feel like if I need to go to the hospital then that's shameful because I am not good enough to do my job or live life normally. It's not actually that at all. When we are sick, we seek treatment typically. Mental illness is the same, but I also have to convince myself of that regularly. Hopefully this other office will call you back so you can get going with treatment. 2 weeks is an awful long time to wait when you feel as poorly as you do. Maybe if you called T he/she would be able to get you in sooner?? I don't know, just a thought. At this point, beg if you have to. Call them every day to see if they have any cancellations.... do whatever you have to do but you're obviously interested in maintaining your sanity so do what you need to do... again, this is about YOU and you're worth it!!! Hope you hear something soon.

Ugh.... I will talk to my sis about the hospitals here, she's been several times and knows all about it! I'm scared.. I don't know if I just walk in and say, "hey I'm screwed up. Take me in" ? I don't want to take a bed from someone who might reallyreally be out of their minds and need the bed.
I have np tomorrow... I'll see if she can help, if not I will go to the hospital.

I feel like I can relate to how you're feeling so I'm saying to you the same thing I'm trying to keep in mind: take it easy on yourself! Things are stressful enough without being hard on yourself.

If you check into a hospital I strongly advise that you make sure that you will be able to check yourself out when you want. Get it in writing with one of your family members present. I voluntarily admitted myself and was outright lied to repeatedly about being able to leave on my own accord. Long story short I thought I was going in overnight and was trapped with the threat of a court order for ten days. Please be careful and be good to yourself.

Thank you Eloise42.
That sounds horrible! Thank you for the advice. I will have my husband and sister there with me, if I go.

Onlymedid - sounds like you really have a nice support network of people who care, around you!
I have often thought of going to hospital, but other than when I was first dx'd, I haven't managed to get myself to book myself in again. It's also so hard when you go thro rapid cycling, as it may just be the next few hours that your are really badly depressed or suicidal.
I hate not being able to explain to people, even my boyfriend, how low serious depression can be. How you can feel suicidal, then things in your life are going ok - there really is no other explanation other than BP wreaking havoc with your head. Today I feel like I've done my chop at work and just want to go home. Just 2 more hours to go - and I've really put the effort in to be productive today - but think I'll try shave an hour or a half off my work time. I didn't take my lunch, so i can even justify it.
Arg, just in a tizz right now.

Please just look after yourself - I too know the guilt one goes through to take a break due to mental exhaustion, as opposed to a "real" physical illness.

Yeah, Sugahorse, my family is pretty awesome. I just can't always tell them "everything" so I don't worry them.
That is exactly how I feel about when people think you can just wish yourself out of this rut. I just want to yell, "THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!"
I left work early for my physical therapy and just lasting that long took a lot out of me. So, I totally get it.
I am trying to deal as best I can. I went to my NP and she is putting me on more meds and taking me off some. She agreed that I can't keep going like this.
OH and she lost her cell phone!!! That was why she hadn't been returning my calls. She didn't even know she lost it cuz it's her work phone and she just put it on the charger and forgot all about putting it back in her purse.
THEN she sent the script over to the pharmacy...with a dosage that doesn't exist. Poor woman, she is just frazzled. I called her and left her a message.

Onlymedid - that sounds so consoling. So you have a legitimate excuse for her not getting back to you and she's helping you with your meds combo. I'm so glad for you.

And I can understand that even somebody you love and trust - you cannot tell them EVERYTHING.

You sound a whole lot happier - glad you also didn't need to make the hospital decision!

Yeah, I felt bad for being so angry with her for not calling me. Thankfully she gave me her home phone, so if my meds don't work by Sunday, I am to call her and we will talk about the hospital at that point.
I feel a little better with the thought that she thinks the new meds might help.
I'm not completely out of the woods as I was up til 2am last night and get up at 5am...hopefully that just because of the new sleeping med. I still feel crappy, but definitely not as bad as yesterday or this past weekend.
Thanks for all the support sugahorse, I appreciate it!